Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
Very nearly the best present ever
“Okay, time for presents!” Mom said. Then she had to repeat it, because all the colts and fillies were still running around like idiots and Topaz wanted to just smack them all. It took a few minutes, but everypony finally settled down, and she was finally able to start opening her gifts.
Present after present was torn into. Buttons and bows, hoof-bands and hair bands were common from the fillies. Notebooks, pens and pencils from the colts, who absolutely refused to buy “girly things”. Each gift giver was given a sincere, if slightly terse, thank-you, and their present was put on the table with their card. Topaz could barely avoid trembling with excitement as the time to open the biggest present, the one from her parents, came closer and closer.
And then, at last, it was time. After having to wait nearly forever, her mother finally levitated down the big box. It was wrapped with paper that had both Celestia’s and Luna’s cutie marks on it, which, as far as Topaz was concerned, was proof that her parents had actually listened to what she’d wanted for her birthday for once.
Topaz took her time with it, relishing the wait as she carefully peeled off the paper. Her patience was rewarded when the last of the paper was whisked away, revealing the Pretty Pony Princess Palace Playset (with realistic Princess Celestia and Luna figures included) underneath. Unlike the others, this present didn’t get put up on the table. Oh, no. This present required her immediate and undivided attention.
So she opened the box, completely forgetting about her guests, who eventually wandered off to do their own things.
She took out the Palace first, a highly abbreviated scale model of the actual palace at Canterlot. She took a moment to savor the detailed exterior and to exclaim over the golden accents and sweeping spires. The playset opened up to reveal a tiny replica of Princess Celestia’s actual throne sitting on its dias, with a red carpet leading up to it. Topaz studied it for a moment before setting it aside.
The carriages (pegasus charioteers sold separately) came out next. First, Celestia’s white and gold carriage, then Luna’s done in shades of dark blue, purple and black. Topaz took a moment to admire them before parking them outside of the palace.
Finally, it had come down to the last of the smaller boxes inside of the largest one. Too eager for magic, Topaz reached out with her hooves and took the lid off of the box that had Princess Celestia’s cutie mark on top... and stopped, confused.
The box was empty.
Heart thudding, Topaz checked the larger box to see if the princess figure had somehow fallen out. There was nothing. A wave of despair washed over her, even as she reached for the other small box that was marked with Luna’s cutie mark.
It, too, was lacking its princess.
Topaz burst into tears knowing that this, right here, was the worst that life could ever possibly be. If she hadn’t been so upset, she might have noticed the bit-sized hole in the back of the large box, as if something—or somepony—had dug their way out of it.
Unnoticed by the anypony at the birthday party, two tiny ponies hid out amongst the dust bunnies underneath the sofa. They watched in silence as the birthday filly’s heartbroken sobs were soothed away by her mother, who promised to go to the store right away and complain to the manager regarding the missing princess figures.
“Discord is going to pay for this,” Princess Celestia stated in a voice as cold and hard as iron.
“What was it you said to him, Celly?”
“Not now, Luna.”
“Oh, yes,” Luna said, ignoring her. “I remember, now. ‘I never had a birthday party as a filly. I sometimes wish I knew what one was like’.”
“Not now, Luna!”
Luna looked away and snickered into a fetlock.
“Of course you find this funny,” Celestia grumbled. “He didn’t turn you pink.”
Present after present was torn into. Buttons and bows, hoof-bands and hair bands were common from the fillies. Notebooks, pens and pencils from the colts, who absolutely refused to buy “girly things”. Each gift giver was given a sincere, if slightly terse, thank-you, and their present was put on the table with their card. Topaz could barely avoid trembling with excitement as the time to open the biggest present, the one from her parents, came closer and closer.
And then, at last, it was time. After having to wait nearly forever, her mother finally levitated down the big box. It was wrapped with paper that had both Celestia’s and Luna’s cutie marks on it, which, as far as Topaz was concerned, was proof that her parents had actually listened to what she’d wanted for her birthday for once.
Topaz took her time with it, relishing the wait as she carefully peeled off the paper. Her patience was rewarded when the last of the paper was whisked away, revealing the Pretty Pony Princess Palace Playset (with realistic Princess Celestia and Luna figures included) underneath. Unlike the others, this present didn’t get put up on the table. Oh, no. This present required her immediate and undivided attention.
So she opened the box, completely forgetting about her guests, who eventually wandered off to do their own things.
She took out the Palace first, a highly abbreviated scale model of the actual palace at Canterlot. She took a moment to savor the detailed exterior and to exclaim over the golden accents and sweeping spires. The playset opened up to reveal a tiny replica of Princess Celestia’s actual throne sitting on its dias, with a red carpet leading up to it. Topaz studied it for a moment before setting it aside.
The carriages (pegasus charioteers sold separately) came out next. First, Celestia’s white and gold carriage, then Luna’s done in shades of dark blue, purple and black. Topaz took a moment to admire them before parking them outside of the palace.
Finally, it had come down to the last of the smaller boxes inside of the largest one. Too eager for magic, Topaz reached out with her hooves and took the lid off of the box that had Princess Celestia’s cutie mark on top... and stopped, confused.
The box was empty.
Heart thudding, Topaz checked the larger box to see if the princess figure had somehow fallen out. There was nothing. A wave of despair washed over her, even as she reached for the other small box that was marked with Luna’s cutie mark.
It, too, was lacking its princess.
Topaz burst into tears knowing that this, right here, was the worst that life could ever possibly be. If she hadn’t been so upset, she might have noticed the bit-sized hole in the back of the large box, as if something—or somepony—had dug their way out of it.
Unnoticed by the anypony at the birthday party, two tiny ponies hid out amongst the dust bunnies underneath the sofa. They watched in silence as the birthday filly’s heartbroken sobs were soothed away by her mother, who promised to go to the store right away and complain to the manager regarding the missing princess figures.
“Discord is going to pay for this,” Princess Celestia stated in a voice as cold and hard as iron.
“What was it you said to him, Celly?”
“Not now, Luna.”
“Oh, yes,” Luna said, ignoring her. “I remember, now. ‘I never had a birthday party as a filly. I sometimes wish I knew what one was like’.”
“Not now, Luna!”
Luna looked away and snickered into a fetlock.
“Of course you find this funny,” Celestia grumbled. “He didn’t turn you pink.”
Again, title case is important, at least for me. The story only gets one chance at a first impression.
And yet, again, the story’s great regardless. The prompt spoiled a bit of it, but I did not see that twist coming. Thank you for it.
And yet, again, the story’s great regardless. The prompt spoiled a bit of it, but I did not see that twist coming. Thank you for it.
I think you've managed to capture the 'child at a birthday party' very well here. That first paragraph confused me a moment, the way it has two actors; I don't know if I can say you're actually breaking a rule there, but for a better first impression I'd suggest re-working it. There's not much here besides a joke; but it's a well-told joke, and couched in original ideas and solid prose. Good work!
It was off to a bit of a rocky start, and that had me worried—especially given the lack of proper title case. That said, as it went on it became better and better, and the twist at the end really threw me for a loop. Certainly one of the more literal interpretations of the prompt, and no worse for it! In the end, it was a cute little story that I enjoyed more than I initially anticipated. Good job!
“Okay, time for presents!” Mom said. Then she had to repeat it, because all the colts and fillies were still running around like idiots and Topaz wanted to just smack them all. It took a few minutes, but everypony finally settled down, and she was finally able to start opening her gifts.
I knew when I read this paragraph that this would be a good story. The narrator's voice is well-done, and trickier than it looks. It gets across the attitude of a filly ("and Topaz wanted to just smack them all"), yet has the precision of adult language. The narration is full of words like repeat, sincere, relishing, whisked--words a filly wouldn't use--yet it stays true to the perceptions and reactions a child would have.
“Of course you find this funny,” Celestia grumbled. “He didn’t turn you pink.”
I laughed.
This one was great. The beginning left me briefly confused about what exactly was happening, but I feel I can't fault you for it seeing as it makes quite sense and sets the scene well.
Voice and demeanour fit story and characters perfectly, and I really can't suggest significant improvements here.
The ending surprised me, and the last line was an extremely funny closing of the story.
Very good and funny story with negligible issues.
Voice and demeanour fit story and characters perfectly, and I really can't suggest significant improvements here.
The ending surprised me, and the last line was an extremely funny closing of the story.
Very good and funny story with negligible issues.
Nothing to say that hasn't already been said. This was funny, and you write the child's perspective phenomenally. Good job!
That pool little filly.. Her hopes and dreams smashed... :sadfluttershy:
I really did not see that twist ending coming. Very nicely done!
I really did not see that twist ending coming. Very nicely done!
>>FanOfMostEverything
Embarrassingly enough, this title wasn't intended to be permanent (though, I did end up liking it). I was on vacation with my family when I was writing it and got called away "just for a few minutes" during the editing process, and wound up forgetting to go back and change the title on this and "An Opportunity For Improvement", which I was going to rename "Fixer-Upper".
Oh, well...
I also never got a chance to finish my third entry, which was going to be called "Deposed". I'll probably post that to my short fiction collection at some point, when I get a chance to write it.
Embarrassingly enough, this title wasn't intended to be permanent (though, I did end up liking it). I was on vacation with my family when I was writing it and got called away "just for a few minutes" during the editing process, and wound up forgetting to go back and change the title on this and "An Opportunity For Improvement", which I was going to rename "Fixer-Upper".
Oh, well...
I also never got a chance to finish my third entry, which was going to be called "Deposed". I'll probably post that to my short fiction collection at some point, when I get a chance to write it.