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Off With His Head!
“Citizens of Canterlot,” crowed Prince Blueblood over the ponies assembled in front of Canterlot Castle. “During their noon lunch, the Princesses have decided to take an *ahem* ‘beach day’ for the rest of the day. Until they return, I am in charge.”
BONG! The grand clock of Canterlot chimed out the hour over the din created by the mob of ponies in front of the castle. On a temporary stage presided a guillotine, with one bound prince and several other ponies beside it. The leader of a group is an earth pony, with a beigish coat that permanently looks dirty, and a dark brown mane and tail.
“Rabble, is this really necessary?” asked Blueblood. “Can I call you Rabble?”
“No.” The bulky earth pony wasted no more words on the snobbish prince, instead turning to the crowd.
“Citizens of Equestria! Today, this stallion shall pay for his crimes against ponykind! Bring him to the guillotine!”
“Wait! Aren’t you going to tell them my crimes Mr. Rouser? It’s standard at every beheading.” asked Blueblood.
“Is it?” whispered Rabble to his aid, who merely shrugged.
Rabble turned back to the bloodthirsty spectators. “The treasons committed by this rat are unforgivable! First and foremost, the insinuation that the Princesses would leave their post for any reason...
“...and finally maliciously knocking over a poor, overworked maid. So now, time for the beheading!” Rabble cried to the cheers of the assembled ponies.
“Aren’t you going to call witnesses for the crimes?” inquired Blueblood.
“Witnesses? Do we need those?” Rabble muttered to his aide, who just shrugged again.
“It was awful! I had just finished my schedule dusting in the third guest suite, and went back to my quarters for some much needed rest, when rounding the corner I was suddenly knocked over. When I looked up, he was there, and he simply raised his head and walked away! Not even a simple apology!” sobbed the mare in a maid’s apron on the stage.
As his aides ushered the maid down to the crowd, Rabble faced the onlookers, took in a deep breath in, and-
“I demand a lawyer!”
Rabble turned to address his aide, who was already shrugging. “Why did I even hire you?”
“What did you think of your third lecture of your freshman year criminal law class at Hoofvard Law?” probed Blueblood of his next prospective lawyer.
“My class and, in particular, myself (who has carriage of this matter) found-”
“That’s enough!” yelled Rabble. “Pick now or I will appoint a lawyer for you!”
Back on stage, Rabble glared at the prince and his lawyer for several minutes, waiting for one of them to say something. Finally, he turned to the remaining crowd and-
“I demand a trial by jury for my client!”
“Fine! You, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, and you. You’re now the jury,” said Rabble, pointing out ponies in the crowd. “So I guess now we need to find a courtroom-”
“GUILTY” chorused the chosen ponies.
“Oh thank Celestia,” groused the revolutionary leader. “Now, let’s get to the beheading!”
“What about my party?” asked Blueblood.
“Party?” questioned Rabble, facing Blueblood and cocking an eyebrow.
“Yes, my execution party.” replied the prince.
“What do you mean execution party?”
“Turn around.”
Turning back to the crowd, Rabble was shocked to see banners, streamers, balloons, and all the other trappings of a celebration adoring the courtyard.
“Are you ready to rock, party ponies!” screamed a mare behind him. He looked back and saw a pink earth pony holding a mike dancing, while DJ PON3, if the logo on the DJ stand that was now onstage was to be believed, levitated a record onto the machine.
“Oh come on!”
“That’s it everypony! Have a good night!” shouted Pinkie as Vinyl packed up her equipment.
“Finally,” muttered Rabble under his breath. “Ok everypony! It’s late, so let’s get this beheading done!”
“What about my last meal?”
“No!” Rabble snapped, whirling on Blueblood. “No more crimes and witnesses, no more lawyers and trials, no more parties and meals! It is time that I get to cut off your head!” he shrieked, spittle flying from his mouth into the prince’s face.
“Are you sure about that my little pony?"
BONG! The grand clock of Canterlot chimed out the hour over the din created by the mob of ponies in front of the castle. On a temporary stage presided a guillotine, with one bound prince and several other ponies beside it. The leader of a group is an earth pony, with a beigish coat that permanently looks dirty, and a dark brown mane and tail.
“Rabble, is this really necessary?” asked Blueblood. “Can I call you Rabble?”
“No.” The bulky earth pony wasted no more words on the snobbish prince, instead turning to the crowd.
“Citizens of Equestria! Today, this stallion shall pay for his crimes against ponykind! Bring him to the guillotine!”
“Wait! Aren’t you going to tell them my crimes Mr. Rouser? It’s standard at every beheading.” asked Blueblood.
“Is it?” whispered Rabble to his aid, who merely shrugged.
Rabble turned back to the bloodthirsty spectators. “The treasons committed by this rat are unforgivable! First and foremost, the insinuation that the Princesses would leave their post for any reason...
“...and finally maliciously knocking over a poor, overworked maid. So now, time for the beheading!” Rabble cried to the cheers of the assembled ponies.
“Aren’t you going to call witnesses for the crimes?” inquired Blueblood.
“Witnesses? Do we need those?” Rabble muttered to his aide, who just shrugged again.
“It was awful! I had just finished my schedule dusting in the third guest suite, and went back to my quarters for some much needed rest, when rounding the corner I was suddenly knocked over. When I looked up, he was there, and he simply raised his head and walked away! Not even a simple apology!” sobbed the mare in a maid’s apron on the stage.
As his aides ushered the maid down to the crowd, Rabble faced the onlookers, took in a deep breath in, and-
“I demand a lawyer!”
Rabble turned to address his aide, who was already shrugging. “Why did I even hire you?”
“What did you think of your third lecture of your freshman year criminal law class at Hoofvard Law?” probed Blueblood of his next prospective lawyer.
“My class and, in particular, myself (who has carriage of this matter) found-”
“That’s enough!” yelled Rabble. “Pick now or I will appoint a lawyer for you!”
Back on stage, Rabble glared at the prince and his lawyer for several minutes, waiting for one of them to say something. Finally, he turned to the remaining crowd and-
“I demand a trial by jury for my client!”
“Fine! You, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, and you. You’re now the jury,” said Rabble, pointing out ponies in the crowd. “So I guess now we need to find a courtroom-”
“GUILTY” chorused the chosen ponies.
“Oh thank Celestia,” groused the revolutionary leader. “Now, let’s get to the beheading!”
“What about my party?” asked Blueblood.
“Party?” questioned Rabble, facing Blueblood and cocking an eyebrow.
“Yes, my execution party.” replied the prince.
“What do you mean execution party?”
“Turn around.”
Turning back to the crowd, Rabble was shocked to see banners, streamers, balloons, and all the other trappings of a celebration adoring the courtyard.
“Are you ready to rock, party ponies!” screamed a mare behind him. He looked back and saw a pink earth pony holding a mike dancing, while DJ PON3, if the logo on the DJ stand that was now onstage was to be believed, levitated a record onto the machine.
“Oh come on!”
“That’s it everypony! Have a good night!” shouted Pinkie as Vinyl packed up her equipment.
“Finally,” muttered Rabble under his breath. “Ok everypony! It’s late, so let’s get this beheading done!”
“What about my last meal?”
“No!” Rabble snapped, whirling on Blueblood. “No more crimes and witnesses, no more lawyers and trials, no more parties and meals! It is time that I get to cut off your head!” he shrieked, spittle flying from his mouth into the prince’s face.
“Are you sure about that my little pony?"
This one toes the line between enjoyably absurd and just absurd. Some parts, like the party, work in their ludicrousness. Others, like Blueblood demanding a lawyer, don’t. Lampshading the silliness of the situation doesn’t do you any favors; it just underscores how this probably shouldn’t be happening.
There’s also the matter of the abrupt scene transition. Granted, you had few words left to work with by the time you were through—the choppiness of the rest of the story’s almost unavoidable, given the circumstances—but an hr tag between those first two sections would’ve really helped indicate the more significant shift in time and space.
As for that last line, you had more than enough words left to attribute the dialogue. As is, I can’t tell if that’s Blueblood preparing one last ace in the hole or Celestia swooping down to his rescue. “My little pony” isn’t the obvious indicator you think it is; it could be a confident bit of condescension coming from the prince, especially given the prompt.
This one will definitely benefit from a lack of word limit, giving you a chance to expand it out and justify some of the more ridiculous delays. I look forward to that.
There’s also the matter of the abrupt scene transition. Granted, you had few words left to work with by the time you were through—the choppiness of the rest of the story’s almost unavoidable, given the circumstances—but an hr tag between those first two sections would’ve really helped indicate the more significant shift in time and space.
As for that last line, you had more than enough words left to attribute the dialogue. As is, I can’t tell if that’s Blueblood preparing one last ace in the hole or Celestia swooping down to his rescue. “My little pony” isn’t the obvious indicator you think it is; it could be a confident bit of condescension coming from the prince, especially given the prompt.
This one will definitely benefit from a lack of word limit, giving you a chance to expand it out and justify some of the more ridiculous delays. I look forward to that.
I enjoyed this non-sense. Despite it's errors (most of which I credit to a word count; I feel, I feel) I was able to get into this fic and found myself smiling stupidly and even laughed a little. It's not the funniest in the competition, but I do think it's a quality comedy fic. And I'm a sucker for those anyways, so that definitely will help you out as I continue to shuffle my list around and continue adding stories to my slate.
While this fic was rather ridiculous, it uses that ridiculousness to its advantage. Obviously, no one would execute Blueblood for something as small as playing Kanye West or Seth Macfarlene (take your pick). And then obviously from there on out... well, the events that ensued wouldn't have ensued. If someone's going to behead someone I doubt they're going to throw them a party. But that's my point. I really liked the wackiness about the fic, because despite it being mildly absurd I thought it still was tangible. Would it ever happen? No. But I could feel it happen. The dialogue is well done. The characterization is on point, so great job in that regard!
As for issues... abrupt scene changes. This a technical issue, not so much my personal issue. I understand the word count being a limiting factor, so I'm not going to beat you over the head with it, but I feel like--at the very least--you could have used a line break, a physical, horizontal line, streaking across the page. Just to clarify since you technically have weak line breaks.
Another thing I noticed is this fic was dialogue centric, and I'm not sure how much that's going to work for you or against you, because with it being a dialogue centric fic you snubbed your writing quality. I thought this one wasn't written near as well as some of the others out there, and that's--in my opinion--this fic's downfall. The writing just isn't very strong, or at least not in comparison to the other stories on here. I mean... there are some better written fics that will do worse than this one, yeah, but it feels like by choosing to write a dialogue heavy scene (not so much story, but yes a series of scenes, which personally, I thought it was smart to do so), you line yourself up against some of the most magnificent writing and your story just doesn't look that impressive. As a standalone--if this was on FIMFiction--I would upvote it. But say you gave me my current slate and I was limited to seven upvotes. I probably wouldn't upvote this one. Definitely wouldn't downvote it, but to put it simply, by choosing to write just dialogue--and while it's good dialogue, it's not the best--you elect to not showcase your writing ability to the fullest. Versus those who mixed dialogue and description, and put their whole toolbelt on display, in the limelight, up for everyone to see it, whatever expression you choose. And because you didn't put all your cards on the table this fic cannot shine like other ones in the competition. Then again, this is just my opinion. I'm sure some may disagree with me, but it was my one major gripe with it, because I really like these kind of stories, and it kills me because I know this could be better. Once again, dammit word count!
Lastly, FanofMostEverything mentioned this, but I too, was onfused by the final line of the scene: "Are you sure about that my little pony?" At first thought, I assumed it was Celestia arriving to save him, but honestly I also thought it could have been ignorant cockiness from the village idiot. And in the next scene Rubble would just go: "'Yes,'" and the guilotine chopped his head off, Yayyyy~~ But anyhow, I don't know how many words you had to spare, but I'm sure you could have squeezed in some indicator. And if you couldn't, eh, I was in the same position so yet again, I feel. I completely know where you're coming from.
All in all this was good. Not great, not bad (definitely not bad), but it was just good. I expect this one to shake up around the middle of the pack. Or it could get snubbed and fall a bit. But I don't see this one finishing very high. That's the one posssibility that would blindside me, but it could happen, you never know. I enjoyed the read and can't wait to see this on FIMfiction!
While this fic was rather ridiculous, it uses that ridiculousness to its advantage. Obviously, no one would execute Blueblood for something as small as playing Kanye West or Seth Macfarlene (take your pick). And then obviously from there on out... well, the events that ensued wouldn't have ensued. If someone's going to behead someone I doubt they're going to throw them a party. But that's my point. I really liked the wackiness about the fic, because despite it being mildly absurd I thought it still was tangible. Would it ever happen? No. But I could feel it happen. The dialogue is well done. The characterization is on point, so great job in that regard!
As for issues... abrupt scene changes. This a technical issue, not so much my personal issue. I understand the word count being a limiting factor, so I'm not going to beat you over the head with it, but I feel like--at the very least--you could have used a line break, a physical, horizontal line, streaking across the page. Just to clarify since you technically have weak line breaks.
Another thing I noticed is this fic was dialogue centric, and I'm not sure how much that's going to work for you or against you, because with it being a dialogue centric fic you snubbed your writing quality. I thought this one wasn't written near as well as some of the others out there, and that's--in my opinion--this fic's downfall. The writing just isn't very strong, or at least not in comparison to the other stories on here. I mean... there are some better written fics that will do worse than this one, yeah, but it feels like by choosing to write a dialogue heavy scene (not so much story, but yes a series of scenes, which personally, I thought it was smart to do so), you line yourself up against some of the most magnificent writing and your story just doesn't look that impressive. As a standalone--if this was on FIMFiction--I would upvote it. But say you gave me my current slate and I was limited to seven upvotes. I probably wouldn't upvote this one. Definitely wouldn't downvote it, but to put it simply, by choosing to write just dialogue--and while it's good dialogue, it's not the best--you elect to not showcase your writing ability to the fullest. Versus those who mixed dialogue and description, and put their whole toolbelt on display, in the limelight, up for everyone to see it, whatever expression you choose. And because you didn't put all your cards on the table this fic cannot shine like other ones in the competition. Then again, this is just my opinion. I'm sure some may disagree with me, but it was my one major gripe with it, because I really like these kind of stories, and it kills me because I know this could be better. Once again, dammit word count!
Lastly, FanofMostEverything mentioned this, but I too, was onfused by the final line of the scene: "Are you sure about that my little pony?" At first thought, I assumed it was Celestia arriving to save him, but honestly I also thought it could have been ignorant cockiness from the village idiot. And in the next scene Rubble would just go: "'Yes,'" and the guilotine chopped his head off, Yayyyy~~ But anyhow, I don't know how many words you had to spare, but I'm sure you could have squeezed in some indicator. And if you couldn't, eh, I was in the same position so yet again, I feel. I completely know where you're coming from.
All in all this was good. Not great, not bad (definitely not bad), but it was just good. I expect this one to shake up around the middle of the pack. Or it could get snubbed and fall a bit. But I don't see this one finishing very high. That's the one posssibility that would blindside me, but it could happen, you never know. I enjoyed the read and can't wait to see this on FIMfiction!
>>ChappedPenguinLips If you'd written just 31 more words, your review would've been longer than the story.
Now I'm sad that you didn't. :(
Now I'm sad that you didn't. :(
I guess that's Celestia at the end?
This is a cute idea, but to me it kinda felt like the same joke over and over again. Maybe it's just me? There are some awkward sentences here; that line with the clock seems confused, and in the first line you're using 'crowed' as a saidism, which I don't really like. I think this might be a lot better with a coat of polish, but as it is... it's just kinda alright to me.
This is a cute idea, but to me it kinda felt like the same joke over and over again. Maybe it's just me? There are some awkward sentences here; that line with the clock seems confused, and in the first line you're using 'crowed' as a saidism, which I don't really like. I think this might be a lot better with a coat of polish, but as it is... it's just kinda alright to me.
>>ChappedPenguinLips No, it's too late. Adding words after I pointed it out just makes it inauthentic. I can't bear to look at it now.
>>Bad Horse
Even worse: should a review longer than its story occur in a future writeoff, you now won’t be sure if it was authentic or not because you mentioned it here. You’ve doomed yourself to disappointment.
Even worse: should a review longer than its story occur in a future writeoff, you now won’t be sure if it was authentic or not because you mentioned it here. You’ve doomed yourself to disappointment.
Post by
ChappedPenguinLips
, deleted
I have no specifics to add, but I agree with the general consensus so far: this story is amusing, but should be tightened up a bit, with better indications of who is speaking and a more explicit ending.
I liked the first abrupt scene change (tho scene 2 also has an abrupt tense change), but not the other abrupt changes.
Who spoke the final line? It's important. It's also important to know whether Blueblood was deliberately stalling or not.
The ending is gonna lack oomph even if you clear that up. I don't have any better ideas for it, though.
Who spoke the final line? It's important. It's also important to know whether Blueblood was deliberately stalling or not.
The ending is gonna lack oomph even if you clear that up. I don't have any better ideas for it, though.
Hmmmmm... Another silly crackfic. It wasn't bad, and it definitely got a few laughs out of me, but... It's lacking something, and I can't quite put my finger on it.
Maybe it's because this Blueblood is, for all appearances, not the arrogant, pompous, moronic incompetent that I would have expected him to be in such an absurd setting? He actually comes across as fairly clever. And everyone else comes across as absolute idiots. And I do mean eveyrone else, since it seems like the entire population of Canterlot came out to witness the execution, and they're all cool with it...
I don't know. Something about it just didn't quite click for me, and I'm not quite sure why. Not the most useful of reviews I'm afraid. Sorry! :)
Maybe it's because this Blueblood is, for all appearances, not the arrogant, pompous, moronic incompetent that I would have expected him to be in such an absurd setting? He actually comes across as fairly clever. And everyone else comes across as absolute idiots. And I do mean eveyrone else, since it seems like the entire population of Canterlot came out to witness the execution, and they're all cool with it...
I don't know. Something about it just didn't quite click for me, and I'm not quite sure why. Not the most useful of reviews I'm afraid. Sorry! :)
You know, I really, really like the concept of this story. "Blueblood accidentally starts the French Revolution" is a concept that has legs. Which makes me wish I'd thought of it first.
This said, I'm not sure if a flash-fic is the best form this story could've taken. If nothing else, some extra formatting (line breaks are your friend!) would go a long way in delineating one scene from another.
And, y'know, while Rabble Rouser certainly is a fitting name for a pony, I personally find it funnier if Blueblood just used the term 'Rabble' to (perhaps rightly) describe the angry mob, rather than it being an actual name. :)
This said, I'm not sure if a flash-fic is the best form this story could've taken. If nothing else, some extra formatting (line breaks are your friend!) would go a long way in delineating one scene from another.
And, y'know, while Rabble Rouser certainly is a fitting name for a pony, I personally find it funnier if Blueblood just used the term 'Rabble' to (perhaps rightly) describe the angry mob, rather than it being an actual name. :)
The story kept me pretty on board right up until pinkie popped up. The ‘party is already here’ seemed more discord than pinkie and bumped me out of the rhythm. If she'd dropped in like an orbital ordinance and had a party-splosion I think it would have accomplished the same thing without feeling so jarring, but that's just my solution.
That bit of humor was a bit too sudden, even with the story being centered around Rabble suddenly loosing control of the situation time and again. There just wasn't enough time for me to watch it unravel in his hooves. It felt more like a dream sequence where things don't happen, they just all of a sudden ARE.
That bit of humor was a bit too sudden, even with the story being centered around Rabble suddenly loosing control of the situation time and again. There just wasn't enough time for me to watch it unravel in his hooves. It felt more like a dream sequence where things don't happen, they just all of a sudden ARE.