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Everypony loves order, right?
Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, found the target of her ire lounging on a bright, green beach chair on the shore of the frozen lake, wearing an egregious mix of mountain climbing gear and deep scuba diving gear, rubbing daiquiris over his clothes and drinking suntan lotion.
"Discord," she said, keeping her voice level. "What have you done?"
The draqonequus smiled at her, lowering the dark shades he wore over his sea goggles. "Twilight Sparkle!" he announced loudly, with enthusiasm so warm it almost made Twilight think it was genuine. "Come sit, have a drink, put your hooves on the ice, and freeze your little flank off!" he said, snapping his fingers and making another chair appear.
"I'll pass. Discord, I'll ask you again. What have you done?"
"Moi? Are you accusing me of doing something? But I'm innocent! All I've been doing is sitting here, enjoying the weather... snapping my fingers at a little tune I have in my head," he said, smirking.
Twilight cast a quick heat spell to melt off the two snowballs that were floating behind her. "Princess Celestia and Princess Luna have been trying to control the sun and the moon all day," she said, a little frustration seeping into her tone despite her best efforts. "And they haven't been able to move them at all. I know that you are behind this. What have you done?"
Discord patted the faithful pet condor he had since he was a little sprite of chaos, at least for the last five seconds. "Maybe they've gotten too fat?"
Twilight sidestepped to avoid the army of mice that were gathering at the condor's feet, each pleading to be eaten first by the mighty bird deity. "This is not the time for another of your cracks at Princess Celestia's-"
"Once more, you misunderstand me Twilight Sparkle," Discord said with a theatrical weariness. "I did not mean our exquisite princesses or that blob of fat Celestia carries on her behind. I simply meant the sun and the moon."
"What. Did you. Do?"
"Well," Discord said, playing with two yo-yo, shaped like each of the princesses cutie marks. "Here I was, being an obedient spirit of chaos, when I came to a realization."
"Which was?"
"I'm not much of a spirit of chaos anymore, am I?" Discord asked, scratching his tooth. "I've been tamed," he said, pulling at his chain collar. "I even got a handler in Fluttershy. When the spirit of chaos is waiting for orders to let loose... As I said, not much of a spirit of chaos anymore."
"So..." Twilight prodded.
"I've been robbed," Discord shouted, standing in front of a fake, hand drawn bank. "Robbed of purpose and robbed of my life's pursuit. I've been..." He shivered violently. "...Put to order."
"What does that have to do with what you did-"
"See, I knew you would say that," Discord said, wearing a ridiculous hat she had seen Pinkie wear when playing detective. "It's all about fairness, isn't it? Since we all like order so much that the spirit of chaos must carry a beeper and a schedule with him," he said, showing off the items he just listed, "I thought; Well, let's just go all the way then, why don't we?"
Twilight slowly began to understand what the Draqonequus was getting into. "You... You didn't-"
"But I did," he said, dancing around a tall light-post. "I totally did. Here it is, the absolute system of order for you all. A sun, thousands of time larger than Equestria, and million of miles away. A sun that cannot be controlled, cannot be tamed. A moon, half the size of Equestria, almost the exact proportions of dear Luna's size to Celestia's buttocks if I might add. Billions of tons of rock, beyond the capabilities of any alicorn to move or control, and a lunar cycle you can set your watch by."
"Discord..." Twilight mouthed, still unable to accept what Discord had done. "You- you-"
Discord laid back on his chair, putting his sunglasses back on. "Oh, relax Twilight Sparkle. It wasn't such a big deal. It was a pleasure to repay the kindness that our loving Princess Celestia and her sister did to me. No more spirit of chaos messing everypony's day?" he asked.
He lowered his glasses, winking at the hyperventilating Twilight. "No more days controlled by alicorns. You can thank me later. Maybe with a party. Let me know when though. I will need to check my schedule first."
"Discord," she said, keeping her voice level. "What have you done?"
The draqonequus smiled at her, lowering the dark shades he wore over his sea goggles. "Twilight Sparkle!" he announced loudly, with enthusiasm so warm it almost made Twilight think it was genuine. "Come sit, have a drink, put your hooves on the ice, and freeze your little flank off!" he said, snapping his fingers and making another chair appear.
"I'll pass. Discord, I'll ask you again. What have you done?"
"Moi? Are you accusing me of doing something? But I'm innocent! All I've been doing is sitting here, enjoying the weather... snapping my fingers at a little tune I have in my head," he said, smirking.
Twilight cast a quick heat spell to melt off the two snowballs that were floating behind her. "Princess Celestia and Princess Luna have been trying to control the sun and the moon all day," she said, a little frustration seeping into her tone despite her best efforts. "And they haven't been able to move them at all. I know that you are behind this. What have you done?"
Discord patted the faithful pet condor he had since he was a little sprite of chaos, at least for the last five seconds. "Maybe they've gotten too fat?"
Twilight sidestepped to avoid the army of mice that were gathering at the condor's feet, each pleading to be eaten first by the mighty bird deity. "This is not the time for another of your cracks at Princess Celestia's-"
"Once more, you misunderstand me Twilight Sparkle," Discord said with a theatrical weariness. "I did not mean our exquisite princesses or that blob of fat Celestia carries on her behind. I simply meant the sun and the moon."
"What. Did you. Do?"
"Well," Discord said, playing with two yo-yo, shaped like each of the princesses cutie marks. "Here I was, being an obedient spirit of chaos, when I came to a realization."
"Which was?"
"I'm not much of a spirit of chaos anymore, am I?" Discord asked, scratching his tooth. "I've been tamed," he said, pulling at his chain collar. "I even got a handler in Fluttershy. When the spirit of chaos is waiting for orders to let loose... As I said, not much of a spirit of chaos anymore."
"So..." Twilight prodded.
"I've been robbed," Discord shouted, standing in front of a fake, hand drawn bank. "Robbed of purpose and robbed of my life's pursuit. I've been..." He shivered violently. "...Put to order."
"What does that have to do with what you did-"
"See, I knew you would say that," Discord said, wearing a ridiculous hat she had seen Pinkie wear when playing detective. "It's all about fairness, isn't it? Since we all like order so much that the spirit of chaos must carry a beeper and a schedule with him," he said, showing off the items he just listed, "I thought; Well, let's just go all the way then, why don't we?"
Twilight slowly began to understand what the Draqonequus was getting into. "You... You didn't-"
"But I did," he said, dancing around a tall light-post. "I totally did. Here it is, the absolute system of order for you all. A sun, thousands of time larger than Equestria, and million of miles away. A sun that cannot be controlled, cannot be tamed. A moon, half the size of Equestria, almost the exact proportions of dear Luna's size to Celestia's buttocks if I might add. Billions of tons of rock, beyond the capabilities of any alicorn to move or control, and a lunar cycle you can set your watch by."
"Discord..." Twilight mouthed, still unable to accept what Discord had done. "You- you-"
Discord laid back on his chair, putting his sunglasses back on. "Oh, relax Twilight Sparkle. It wasn't such a big deal. It was a pleasure to repay the kindness that our loving Princess Celestia and her sister did to me. No more spirit of chaos messing everypony's day?" he asked.
He lowered his glasses, winking at the hyperventilating Twilight. "No more days controlled by alicorns. You can thank me later. Maybe with a party. Let me know when though. I will need to check my schedule first."
I like the idea of this fic.
However... the actual dialogue here was a bit... grating to me. The visual jokes don't work nearly as well in a written medium, IMHO, and I have no idea how to make that better; I've written about two scenes with Discord and neither is exactly stunning.
Furthurmore, the whole 'Celestia is fat' thing has always seemed really pointless to me. I might have rolled my eyes the first time I saw it? I dunno. I don't think it's pulling its weight here.
The bit with the sun and the moon, and it being reciprocal though... that's pretty great, and I really did like it. I'm not sure how to improve the rest of this fic, but there's a golden idea at the center there, which is worth a lot.
However... the actual dialogue here was a bit... grating to me. The visual jokes don't work nearly as well in a written medium, IMHO, and I have no idea how to make that better; I've written about two scenes with Discord and neither is exactly stunning.
Furthurmore, the whole 'Celestia is fat' thing has always seemed really pointless to me. I might have rolled my eyes the first time I saw it? I dunno. I don't think it's pulling its weight here.
The bit with the sun and the moon, and it being reciprocal though... that's pretty great, and I really did like it. I'm not sure how to improve the rest of this fic, but there's a golden idea at the center there, which is worth a lot.
The body language was good, and I liked the creativity. Discord's little asides were amusing, but they were also a little telly. Agreed that it's harder to write those antics than show them.
The dialog felt a little mixed to me; some sounded authentic, but others fell flat. Just how powerful is Discord to have pulled off that little feat?
I'll agree with Not_A_Hat that the core idea is quite clever, but the execution could be refined.
The dialog felt a little mixed to me; some sounded authentic, but others fell flat. Just how powerful is Discord to have pulled off that little feat?
I'll agree with Not_A_Hat that the core idea is quite clever, but the execution could be refined.
The clauses of that first sentence need to get a communal divorce and spend time in sentences of their own.
The condor sentence confused me, and was a telly way of describing Discord's chaos that doesn't fit well with the spirit of the show.
I wouldn't expect Twilight to hyperventilate at the end. I'd expect her curiosity at the implications of Discord's actions to dominate. There's no reason for her to be frustrated. She hasn't asked Discord to reverse things, and she hasn't even provided any arguments to suggest what he did was a bad thing. The alicorns have never, ever used the Sun and Moon for nefarious purposes (excepting Nightmare Moon), so the orbs are a duty, not a power. It seems to me that Discord has done them a favor and Twilight is overreacting. I don't even understand how Twilight seems to understand what Discord did: why would she ever have imagined what he chose to do as a possibility? Astronomy certainly isn't intuitive!
I think this story could be taken to another level, if you know what I mean.
The condor sentence confused me, and was a telly way of describing Discord's chaos that doesn't fit well with the spirit of the show.
I wouldn't expect Twilight to hyperventilate at the end. I'd expect her curiosity at the implications of Discord's actions to dominate. There's no reason for her to be frustrated. She hasn't asked Discord to reverse things, and she hasn't even provided any arguments to suggest what he did was a bad thing. The alicorns have never, ever used the Sun and Moon for nefarious purposes (excepting Nightmare Moon), so the orbs are a duty, not a power. It seems to me that Discord has done them a favor and Twilight is overreacting. I don't even understand how Twilight seems to understand what Discord did: why would she ever have imagined what he chose to do as a possibility? Astronomy certainly isn't intuitive!
I think this story could be taken to another level, if you know what I mean.
Mmmm. The concept has potential, but the execution here felt lackluster to me. So, Discord has made the sun and moon move correctly on their courses without the need for alicorn intervention? Isn't that good? Can't Celestia just take a vacation now?
SCORE-O-METER: 7/10 Good structure and some potential in concept, but it just didn't click for me.
SCORE-O-METER: 7/10 Good structure and some potential in concept, but it just didn't click for me.
>>GaPJaxie
>>Not_A_Hat
I'm not sure. Here's the blog post where he says he isn't participating this time...
http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/667933/with-kung-fu-action
>>Not_A_Hat
I'm not sure. Here's the blog post where he says he isn't participating this time...
http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/667933/with-kung-fu-action
>>Trick_Question
I'm in this round, I just didn't get *all* my submissions in. I had 4 outlined, I only got one in before the deadline because the other 3 were going to go in Sunday.
I do like the Good Stallion Greg meme though. :D
I'm in this round, I just didn't get *all* my submissions in. I had 4 outlined, I only got one in before the deadline because the other 3 were going to go in Sunday.
I do like the Good Stallion Greg meme though. :D
I'm in agreement with pretty much everything the others here have said. It's an interesting concept, to be sure, but the execution is what killed it for me. Neither Twilight nor Discord sound quite like themselves, and Twilight's general reaction and mannerisms didn't quite fit her character either. The visual gags were also a bit overboard—like, cutting a few of those in favour of elucidating some more appropriate character on Twilight's part would've done the story well.
At any rate, you've got points for concept and prompt use! Just gotta work on that execution to really drive it home.
At any rate, you've got points for concept and prompt use! Just gotta work on that execution to really drive it home.
Again, critiquing humor isn't exactly my forte, but I'll give it a shot.
I'm having a bit of trouble with the opening, here. You spend a lot of words (nearly half your wordcount, in fact) on a dialogue that actually comes off as a bit frustrating to read. Twilight pretty much only says some variant of "What did you do?" while Discord continually evades the question. There are some jokes going on in the "background" of the scene, but honestly, it's a bit hard to pay attention to them while this super-big, super-important question keeps going unanswered.
By the time things start to finally come together, you've only got about 300 words to play with. The payoff, as a result, feels a little unsatisfying. We're basically just left with the idea of what Discord has done, and none of the fun character-driven gags that could have come about from it.
My suggestion would be to simply cut from the front end and expand the back end.
I'm having a bit of trouble with the opening, here. You spend a lot of words (nearly half your wordcount, in fact) on a dialogue that actually comes off as a bit frustrating to read. Twilight pretty much only says some variant of "What did you do?" while Discord continually evades the question. There are some jokes going on in the "background" of the scene, but honestly, it's a bit hard to pay attention to them while this super-big, super-important question keeps going unanswered.
By the time things start to finally come together, you've only got about 300 words to play with. The payoff, as a result, feels a little unsatisfying. We're basically just left with the idea of what Discord has done, and none of the fun character-driven gags that could have come about from it.
My suggestion would be to simply cut from the front end and expand the back end.
Huh. Discord’s alterations to the landscape are appropriate, because this one is genuinely chilling. The potential ramifications are as plentiful as the chaos that would ensue.
Of course, that’s the conceptual level. On the narrative one, there’s some work to be done. You do overplay Discord’s visual gags. Given how you need to describe them in a textual format, it’s best to use them a little more sparingly than would be the case for the show. Especially for the more oblique or just unfunny ones, like the condor or the yo-yos. Also, I’d recommend cutting down on the “Celestia is fat” jokes, especially coming from Discord. Consistency is the hobgoblin of orderly minds.
And, as Trick noted, while our astrophysics may follow from (almost certainly) immutable laws of physics, that model clearly doesn’t work for Equestria. Magic acting as a fifth fundamental force changes everything. Plus, it could be argued that the sun and moon no longer being under conscious control is actually a more chaotic situation, especially if the diarchs derive legitimacy from that cosmic control. Indeed, seeing Twilight and Discord in a philosophical debate over what chaos even is could be truly fascinating.
Hmm. Well, you’ve given a lot to think about, so points there. Still, this definitely needs polishing and expansion to properly capture the scope of its idea.
Of course, that’s the conceptual level. On the narrative one, there’s some work to be done. You do overplay Discord’s visual gags. Given how you need to describe them in a textual format, it’s best to use them a little more sparingly than would be the case for the show. Especially for the more oblique or just unfunny ones, like the condor or the yo-yos. Also, I’d recommend cutting down on the “Celestia is fat” jokes, especially coming from Discord. Consistency is the hobgoblin of orderly minds.
And, as Trick noted, while our astrophysics may follow from (almost certainly) immutable laws of physics, that model clearly doesn’t work for Equestria. Magic acting as a fifth fundamental force changes everything. Plus, it could be argued that the sun and moon no longer being under conscious control is actually a more chaotic situation, especially if the diarchs derive legitimacy from that cosmic control. Indeed, seeing Twilight and Discord in a philosophical debate over what chaos even is could be truly fascinating.
Hmm. Well, you’ve given a lot to think about, so points there. Still, this definitely needs polishing and expansion to properly capture the scope of its idea.