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You'd Think She'd Have Seen This Coming
Once upon a time, in a magical desert kingdom, lived a king who was terribly jealous. So ridiculously jealous, in fact, that upon pain of death, he was the only male allowed to acknowledge that women even existed. (You might wonder whether this would cause problems with keeping the kingdom alive for more than one generation, but LOOK, A DISTRACTION.)
Anyway, as this was a magical kingdom, many of its citizens were mages. Unfortunately, owing to the king's insane jealousy, every male mage was slaughtered at birth. There was a magical academy for women in the capital, but years ago its head had gotten upset with the king and run off into the desert. Rumors swirled that she lived alone with her cauldron, brewing mighty potions and dispensing revolutionary advice. The men, meanwhile, grew up to be laborers, or farmers, or to join the Kingdom Guard or the Royal Messengers.
And overseeing it all was the king's spy corps. Certain women were born gifted with the greatest magic of all, that of Second Sight, able to remotely view anything within the kingdom's borders. Anytime a male and female fraternized, they would know, and his guards would immediately be dispatched to execute the man. The head of these powerful seers was known as the Look-Eye, and their logo was an unblinking white eye on a blue background.
But even with his spies, the king was unhappy: their vision couldn't penetrate the vast, lifeless desert. The sorceress of the dunes continued to elude him, no matter how much Second Sight he threw at her, no matter how many soldiers he marched around under the grueling sun.
So one day, the head of the king's spies began work on an item that would help her channel her powers: a handheld stick of solid oak. After weeks of painstaking carving, it was finally ready, and with her new casting implement in hand, she turned her vision toward the dunes. She gasped, and her eyes flew open. Badly shaken, she summoned a messenger to relay her vision to the king—a messenger who, as luck would have it, was secretly the lover of the rebel desert sorceress.
The messenger dashed into the throne room.
"My king!" he cried. "The Look-Eye just—"
"TRAITOR!" the king bellowed, and chopped the messenger's head off.
The moral of the story: Don't mention a woman to the jealous king, you dumbass.
Anyway, as this was a magical kingdom, many of its citizens were mages. Unfortunately, owing to the king's insane jealousy, every male mage was slaughtered at birth. There was a magical academy for women in the capital, but years ago its head had gotten upset with the king and run off into the desert. Rumors swirled that she lived alone with her cauldron, brewing mighty potions and dispensing revolutionary advice. The men, meanwhile, grew up to be laborers, or farmers, or to join the Kingdom Guard or the Royal Messengers.
And overseeing it all was the king's spy corps. Certain women were born gifted with the greatest magic of all, that of Second Sight, able to remotely view anything within the kingdom's borders. Anytime a male and female fraternized, they would know, and his guards would immediately be dispatched to execute the man. The head of these powerful seers was known as the Look-Eye, and their logo was an unblinking white eye on a blue background.
But even with his spies, the king was unhappy: their vision couldn't penetrate the vast, lifeless desert. The sorceress of the dunes continued to elude him, no matter how much Second Sight he threw at her, no matter how many soldiers he marched around under the grueling sun.
So one day, the head of the king's spies began work on an item that would help her channel her powers: a handheld stick of solid oak. After weeks of painstaking carving, it was finally ready, and with her new casting implement in hand, she turned her vision toward the dunes. She gasped, and her eyes flew open. Badly shaken, she summoned a messenger to relay her vision to the king—a messenger who, as luck would have it, was secretly the lover of the rebel desert sorceress.
The messenger dashed into the throne room.
"My king!" he cried. "The Look-Eye just—"
"TRAITOR!" the king bellowed, and chopped the messenger's head off.
The moral of the story: Don't mention a woman to the jealous king, you dumbass.
What'd make this:
Work for me would be more asides to the reader. I mean, if you're gonna do it twice, jump right in and keep doing it. Have the narrator acknowledge and agree with the reader that, yes, this whole situation is absurd, but it's the story we're stuck with, so let's try to make the best of it till we get to the ending and can all get back to our lives.
Something like that, any way... :)
Mike
Work for me would be more asides to the reader. I mean, if you're gonna do it twice, jump right in and keep doing it. Have the narrator acknowledge and agree with the reader that, yes, this whole situation is absurd, but it's the story we're stuck with, so let's try to make the best of it till we get to the ending and can all get back to our lives.
Something like that, any way... :)
Mike
You’d Think She’d Have Seen This Coming — B+ — First reaction: Huh?
(+) Well-constructed, although the King is a erratic weirdo, but that’s probably the way he’s supposed to be. Seems to be working it’s way up to an Arabian Nights style story and...
(-) I don’t get it. There’s supposed to be some clever pun or play on words at the end, I think, but it went right over my head.
Weapons: A sword. Fatalities: Lots, although only one happens on-camera
(+) Well-constructed, although the King is a erratic weirdo, but that’s probably the way he’s supposed to be. Seems to be working it’s way up to an Arabian Nights style story and...
(-) I don’t get it. There’s supposed to be some clever pun or play on words at the end, I think, but it went right over my head.
Weapons: A sword. Fatalities: Lots, although only one happens on-camera
I like a good fable, but this was... this was...
... Yeah, this just was.
I smiled at the end, though, so I guess it worked. Thanks for sharing your work.
... Yeah, this just was.
I smiled at the end, though, so I guess it worked. Thanks for sharing your work.
Arrrabian Niiiigggghhhttts! Whew! I love Alladdin! Sadly this is not it. Not even Jaffar. Well, I can say, though, that it was entertaining. It was intricate with several twists, that could easily keep my eyes following along the with the next passage on the screen. Now it was highly silly. Not Genie funny or silly, but rather in a more brutish manner of a crazy king crazy reality coming true.
POSITIVES
Complexity-The ever twisting information of this world makes it a must read. From magic to Arabian knighthood and Royal plots, make this a must read. I loved how you would engage us in the traditions and the long, but brief, history of this city. It is a marvel in it’s own right that needs to shine and branch out to truly be a dessert gem. Now this story was so complex, it left little to explain about several facts that surround the entire story. In fact I can hardly tell if it was a medieval timeline, a futuristic land.planet, or just a steampunk world. You could say it’s too complex for being as short as it was. I just didn’t understand, and confusion is the worst thing you can do to your audience.
Imaginative-This world is unique. I wanna travel and experience this created world. To be a part of it’s royal courtings.To see the trials and tribulations of its people. I want to see this world! What we got to see was a mad king and something about a stick. Which ends up to yet another death of an individual looking to make lives equal. While it had me completely glued to the pages, I couldn’t help but divert my eyes and cringe at how easily this piece just went from over the top. It gets really silly and doesn’t really play the part well for making this mad king look like a successful one. Which with your limit and the prompt, we all can see why.
NEGATIVES
Off Topic-Sandwich? No literally, I can almost completely guess who you are because you actually did as you said, and ignored the prompt entirely. To do your own thing without actually bringing the idea into your work. Okay I’ll admit that takes “cahones”. Which I can see why you just had fun with it and did your thing. If it wasn’t for the rules of this contest you would have landed high up for my vote on most creative! In fact the only reason this is listed as such is because it’s missing it’s sandwich when it really doesn’t need one. This is more of a positive from my side, because I really hated the prompt as well. In the end though, it just doesn’t follow the rules so, have to dock some brownie points. Now offside, you won a ton with me! Thank you, for just being you author!
Comedy-I really didn’t feel like you delivered very well on the comedic nature of the story. In fact your punchline was so silly and so well hidden, I’m sure it flew over other peoples’ heads as well as my own. I just couldn’t seem to muster anything else but a smile from how silly it is to craft a single stick for such a long time. Or how a perverted king was able to keep his throne. The ending just ends on a “WTF?!” moment for me. Everything you concocted just seemed to suddenly fall from it’s place with how strangely the events occur. I’m sure that without the comedic parts this story would have been grand to read. Just right now I don’t think you have the room to write it well enough right now in this contest.
Did the king get away with his heinous acts? Did the rebels ever trump the tyrant king? Will Look-eye ever find love?! Will the desert sorceress ever find her puppy?! Tune in next time to the next Bleach/Naruto/Dragonball Z!
All in all you wrote a good read here, that just needs some snipping away at and more time to create your lovely work of art into a soulful piece of reading. I do however want more out of this story and I look forward to reading even more of your works.
Last time on Fairy Tail/One Piece! Remedy vows to fulfill justice!
Remedy: Super Star Power Activate! (Sailor Pose)
Watashi wa watashi no shukuteki o taoshimasu!!!
POSITIVES
Complexity-The ever twisting information of this world makes it a must read. From magic to Arabian knighthood and Royal plots, make this a must read. I loved how you would engage us in the traditions and the long, but brief, history of this city. It is a marvel in it’s own right that needs to shine and branch out to truly be a dessert gem. Now this story was so complex, it left little to explain about several facts that surround the entire story. In fact I can hardly tell if it was a medieval timeline, a futuristic land.planet, or just a steampunk world. You could say it’s too complex for being as short as it was. I just didn’t understand, and confusion is the worst thing you can do to your audience.
Imaginative-This world is unique. I wanna travel and experience this created world. To be a part of it’s royal courtings.To see the trials and tribulations of its people. I want to see this world! What we got to see was a mad king and something about a stick. Which ends up to yet another death of an individual looking to make lives equal. While it had me completely glued to the pages, I couldn’t help but divert my eyes and cringe at how easily this piece just went from over the top. It gets really silly and doesn’t really play the part well for making this mad king look like a successful one. Which with your limit and the prompt, we all can see why.
NEGATIVES
Off Topic-Sandwich? No literally, I can almost completely guess who you are because you actually did as you said, and ignored the prompt entirely. To do your own thing without actually bringing the idea into your work. Okay I’ll admit that takes “cahones”. Which I can see why you just had fun with it and did your thing. If it wasn’t for the rules of this contest you would have landed high up for my vote on most creative! In fact the only reason this is listed as such is because it’s missing it’s sandwich when it really doesn’t need one. This is more of a positive from my side, because I really hated the prompt as well. In the end though, it just doesn’t follow the rules so, have to dock some brownie points. Now offside, you won a ton with me! Thank you, for just being you author!
Comedy-I really didn’t feel like you delivered very well on the comedic nature of the story. In fact your punchline was so silly and so well hidden, I’m sure it flew over other peoples’ heads as well as my own. I just couldn’t seem to muster anything else but a smile from how silly it is to craft a single stick for such a long time. Or how a perverted king was able to keep his throne. The ending just ends on a “WTF?!” moment for me. Everything you concocted just seemed to suddenly fall from it’s place with how strangely the events occur. I’m sure that without the comedic parts this story would have been grand to read. Just right now I don’t think you have the room to write it well enough right now in this contest.
Did the king get away with his heinous acts? Did the rebels ever trump the tyrant king? Will Look-eye ever find love?! Will the desert sorceress ever find her puppy?! Tune in next time to the next Bleach/Naruto/Dragonball Z!
All in all you wrote a good read here, that just needs some snipping away at and more time to create your lovely work of art into a soulful piece of reading. I do however want more out of this story and I look forward to reading even more of your works.
Last time on Fairy Tail/One Piece! Remedy vows to fulfill justice!
Remedy: Super Star Power Activate! (Sailor Pose)
Watashi wa watashi no shukuteki o taoshimasu!!!
Maybe more thoughts on this later (when it's not 5 AM), but: I'm pretty sure that I fell afoul of "don't be subtle in the Writeoffs." Quick straw poll.
This was entirely an interrupted Shaggy Dog Story. The ending joke (and the connection to the prompt) was that the messenger was interrupted in the middle of the prompt drop that the entire story was shamelessly setting up: "The Look-Eye just wanded my sand witch."
Vote this post up if you realized that from the story.
This was entirely an interrupted Shaggy Dog Story. The ending joke (and the connection to the prompt) was that the messenger was interrupted in the middle of the prompt drop that the entire story was shamelessly setting up: "The Look-Eye just wanded my sand witch."
Vote this post up if you realized that from the story.
