Breathing had been the most difficult thing to relearn. Celestia reminded Luna constantly over those first few months. Apparently a few of the royal guards had found her stone-still chest and breathless glare disturbing. No matter, if a few guards found her intimidating then all the better. Besides, they couldn't even imagine the time saved by not constantly worrying about a silly little thing like sucking in air every moment of every day until their last exhalation right before their final expiration. No, she only required breath to speak and yell, nothing more. Other than a few uneasy soldiers, things had returned to a state close to normal. Almost as if she was never exiled to the moon in the first place.

And so, boldened by this atmosphere of normalcy, Princess Luna sought out her sister one cold evening in spring to ask her a question that had plagued her mind since her first night back at the castle. She found Celestia upon her throne, eyes closed deep in concentration, or sleep. A thousand years on the moon made her forget Celestia's tells. Oh well, not that it mattered anyway.

"Sister," Luna called out as she approached.

"What's the matter, Luna?" Celestia said. There were no snorts of surprise, and Celestia kept her eyes shut.

"Where is the royal harem?"

Celestia's eyes snapped open. "Luna! What in Equestria prompted you to ask me that?"

Luna scowled. "We cannot find the harem anywhere. We checked the rut room, the stud stables, and even the whinny wing, all cold and empty. Are thou keeping the harem for thinself? If thou art then we shall not hesitate to rise again!"

"Calm down, Luna," Celestia said. She hurried off her throne. "I disbanded the royal harem hundreds of years ago."

"THOU HAST DONE WHAT?"

Celestia winced at the sudden volume. "Luna! Please calm down," she said.

"WE SHALL NOT BE CALM! WE ARE THE PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT, SISTER! HOW ARE WE TO FULFILL OUR TITLE WITHOUT A PROPER HAREM?"

"Luna, listen to me." Celestia tapped her sister's nose just as she had done when they were children. "Times and perceptions have changed. Keeping a harem now would be seen as deviant and an abuse of power."

Luna gritted her teeth and raised her chin in dignified defiance. "None of our subjects would ever believe thou could abuse thine power, sister, thou always were so woefully submissive. And since when has thou ever taken mind to accusations of deviancy? One thousand years later and we still hear talk of thine visage used as a symbol of fertility. Would thou claim it a coincidence? Do not, for we do not believe in such things, what we do believe is that thou hast fallen to old habits and jealously guard thine stables from me."

"To hear such accusations from my own sister!" Celestia said with an angry blush coloring her cheeks. "I wouldn't even think to have a harem anymore. What would my students say?"

"We are sure they would celebrate their improving grades and lightened workload. Surely, it is a fine opportunity for them to learn of such things."

"Some of them are as young as 8!"

"And is that why thou hast not partaken within their collective lifetimes?"

Celestia shook her head. "Fine! Fine. If you wish to start your harem then by all means proceed. Anything to keep you from talking to me about this."

Luna smiled. "Very well, then we shall begin our search for a suitable head concubine." Luna tapped her chin in thought. The head concubine was the most important cog in a harem. Like a head servant, their responsibilities involved the day to day operations. They would need to manage several ponies and tasks, as well as be very stimulating company. But how could she find one? She had not been on Equestria for long enough to know any of the ponies that intimately. Luna looked at her sister.

"Sister," Luna said. "Sister, in our past we had often partaken of ponies together, and so we know thou hast intimate knowledge of our tastes. Might you recommend a suitable seed to start my harem?"

Celestia groaned and slapped a hoof on her forehead. "Knowing you, I believe the ideal pony resides on a plot of land near Ponyville, in a farm named Sweet Apple Acres."

"Thou speakest of the Element of Honesty?" Luna raised an eyebrow. "We had not considered her, but if thou–"

"No!" Celestia yelled out. She covered her mouth with her hoof, surprised at her own volume. Slowly, she lowered her hoof and took a deep breath. "You are not to lay one inappropriate hoof on them. Do you understand?"

"We understand, thou are keeping them for thine own pleasure. Very well, enjoy thine toys."

"Luna!"

Luna rolled her eyes. "Forgive us, we had forgotten your proclivities. Enjoy being their toy then, sister."

"I'm beginning to remember why I sent you to the moon," Celestia mumbled, and Luna pretended not to hear. "No, I am speaking of a stallion of the Apple family."

"Apples? Are they not common stock?" Luna asked with a tilt of her head.

"Times have changed, sister. The Apples have become quite a prominent family. See for yourself." Celestia's horn glowed. A beam of golden light shot through the room, and a gleaming orb grew in the center of the room. It's shine faded until the orb became almost transclucent, and within the orb the form of apple trees came into focus.

"Thou hast developed a method to spy on our subjects?" Luna asked. "Remarkable. Thou must spend many breathless nights with this. Though it is a rather poor substitute for the genuine c–." A large, red stallion walked into the view of the orb, and Luna stopped mid-sentence. "What a specimen!" She stepped closer to the orb to examine the stallion closer. "Imagine the girth of him!"

"Luna!"

"Thou art absolutely right, sister. Why imagine? Take the moon for us." Luna's horn glowed, and, with a flash of light and a small pop, she teleported away.

Celestia stared at the spot where Luna had stood mere moments ago. Luna was in the orb now, popping into existence to kiss a very surprised stallion. Celestia sighed and the orb faded away, she couldn't bare to see the farce that was surely to follow. She went back to her throne and rubbed the side of her head. "Please forgive me, Big Macintosh," Celestia said. She shuffled in her seat to find the most comfortable spot and did her best to fall back to sleep.

---

Big Macintosh Apple ambled up to the top of his favorite hill on his family's land. The midday drizzle had left drops on the blades of grass. Macintosh reached the top and took a deep breath. He smiled as the sun eased beneath the horizon and the workday came to a quiet end. Hundreds of apple trees lay below him, each with hundreds of white and pink apple blossoms. It would be a good harvest this year, no doubt about that.

A pair of lips pressed against his and a bolt of lightning shot through his spine. His eyes opened wide as shades of darkened blues filled up his vision. The kiss continued and it seemed to strip away at his very being. Though wearing nothing but a wooden harness around his neck, he felt naked. Every emotion, every thought, every memory on full display. He stepped back to break the kiss and wiped his lips. He felt better, not so bare and out in the open.

"Excellent!" Princess Luna said, grin smeared on her face. "Thou hast greatly impressed us."

Now, normally, Big Macintosh would be happy to go about the proper decorum when greeting a princess: the bowing, the kissing of hooves, the whole apple pie a la mode, but Luna had broken that decorum, and so it was only polite to follow her lead.

"Princess Luna, what in the heck are ya doin'?" Macintosh said.

"Upon our sister's recommendation, we have come to groom thee for the position of head concubine and first seed of the royal harem. It is good to know that our sister's eye for stallions has not dulled over the millennium," Luna said. She circled Macintosh like a vulture hovering over a carcass, paying close attention to his cutie mark. She lifted up one of his back legs, and he quickly pulled himself free of her hoof.

A concubine? Macintosh tilted his head. He managed to catch the eye of a princess? How nice, he supposed. He just wished she hadn't been so forward with it. "Well Ah'm flattered, Luna, Ah really am, but there're so many things wrong with what ya just said Ah ain't sure Ah can list 'em all."

Luna waved a hoof at him as if dispersing his concerns. "Nonsense. Why, a thousand and some odd years ago, stallions and mares would risk their lives for even just the opportunity to join the royal harem. Oh, t'was marvelous times. Great feats of strength, magic, and flexibility were offered to show a pony's capability. In fact, these feats were the origins of many modern sports today, including the ponylympics."

"Well that's all well an' good but–"

Luna pressed a hoof against his lips to shush him. "Thou will want for nothing. All will be provided to thee: shelter, food, status, all of it given and all of it of the highest quality, and as our head concubine thou shall be the first in line to attempt to sate thine majesty's appetite as well as the privilege of using any other member of our harem for thine own pleasure. And if thou hast thine heart set on a family of thine own, then thou would certainly be allowed to take a wife to sire thy bloodline. For what reason couldst thou possibly deny thyself such a position?"

Macintosh blinked. "It's almost dinner time an' it's my turn to cook."

Luna rolled her eyes. "If thou would come with me, thou would never use nor see a cooking pot for as long as you lived."

"That ain't a sellin' point," Macintosh said. He looked over at the horizon, the orb of the sun had fallen below the mountains and only a few scant rays of orange and purple remained. He had missed the sunset. With a frown, he turned back to Princess Luna. "Luna, Ah really gotta get back home, but yer welcome to come along, Ah guess, seein' as how yer a princess and such." He didn't bother waiting for a reply and headed down the hill.

Princess Luna followed him, though stayed behind him at all times. "Very well, we shall continue our attempts as you cook. Until then, we shall enjoy the view."

Macintosh nodded, a small smile creeping into his lips. "Eeyup. The apple blossoms are mighty pretty this year. They're gonna grow into some nice apples."

"Indeed." Luna said. "Our eyes feast upon a firm, juicy one as we speak."

Macintosh sighed. It was going to be a long night, and not in the way Luna was hoping.



The Apple family kitchen could have been mistaken for a gallery of antiques. It was a collection of heavy metal pots and pans so well seasoned you could eat them. The rest of the Apple family were busy cooking and counting cans of preserves and pickles to last for the coming winter. Sure, some ponies might say that preparing for winter in spring was a little silly. But Granny Smith had a name for those ponies: dead.

Big Macintosh set a few pots and pans on the stove and looked over at the chalkboard resting on the counter. What would he serve today? Their stock of apples was nice and full, but even Apples got sick of eating apples for several days in a row. That's where the creativity came in. Thankfully, there were always plenty of vegetables around to fill in the gaps creativity left behind. And tonight, creativity would leave a lot of gaps because of a certain royal guest.

"Does thou truly mean to refuse our offer?" Luna asked for the fifth time that night.

Macintosh decided against saying 'Eeyup' to her question for the fifth time in a row. "Let's say Ah do," Macintosh said as he wrote tonight's menu on the chalkboard. "Would Ah still be able to stay here with my family? Will Ah still be able to cook for them? Will Ah still be able to go out and work the fields and help out around the farm?"

"Absolutely not," Luna said, pounding a hoof on the dining table where she sat. "If thou art to become our head concubine, then thou must reside in the royal palace. We cannot inconvenience ourselves every time we wish to sate our desires by teleporting here and teleporting there. Furthermore, we cannot allow our head concubine to plow fields, only princesses. It would be an utter disgrace if it were known that the Princess of the Night cannot provide enough for her concubine to live without toil. It would be a loss of status. Does thou truly enjoy working in the kitchen and on Sweet Apple Acres enough to refuse our offer?"

Macintosh nodded and started peeling apples. He thought about how he could help Princess Luna understand how he felt. "Princess Luna? You love your sister, don't ya?"

"Do you mean before or after she sent me to the moon?" Luna asked with scoff.

"You resent her?" Macintosh asked.

"Resentment is...not the most correct word," Luna said. She stared at her hooves folded neatly on the table. "I understand why she exiled me to the moon but..." she trailed off, and Macintosh stared at her, fully aware that she had dropped the archaic speech. Luna shook her head. "A thousand years is a long time to be left simmering in your own hatred and jealousy. But, deep down, I do still love my sister, if just...a little less now, I must admit."

The kitchen stayed silent for several seconds before Macintosh smiled at her. "Well whaddya know, there's a real pony down below all that pomp and circumstance," he said. The sound of the peeler gave a steady rhythm to the otherwise still air. Luna looked up, an eyebrow lifted as she examined him closely. "You know," Macintosh continued, "when you drop all the 'thou's and 'we's you start to sound a bit more genuine."

"That is the royal speech," Luna said with a scowl. "We did not expect a commoner such as thou to appreciate such a high register."

Macintosh chuckled. "Well excuse me, Princess, but last Ah check you wanted to mash genitals with this commoner."

"Yes we do, but that desire is quickly fading," Princess Luna retorted.

"Oh? That why yer cheeks are turnin' almost as red as mine?"

Luna's blush deepened. "Enough of this tordid talk. Why did thou ask us such a question?"

Macintosh started to crack eggs into a bowl. "Well, Ah know for me, Ah would do anything for the ponies Ah love. Ah'd help them work a farm, and Ah'd make them dinner. 'Sides, ain't no better feeling in the world than watching yer hard work grow into somethin' delicious. Only feeling that comes close is having someone you love compliment your cooking. Anyone ever compliment your cooking, Luna?"

"Princess Luna," she corrected.

"What was that, Lulu?"

"Princess Luna"

"Say again, Lulu-bear?"

"PRINCESS LUNA!"

"Sorry, couldn't quite hear ya, Lulukins."

Princess Luna sighed. "No, nopony has ever complimented our cooking, for we have never cooked before."

Macintosh threw her a pink, frilly apron, and it draped over her horn and covered her face. "Well then, ain't no better time to start than the present."

Luna growled and tugged the apron off her. "We do not appreciate such brazen disrespect. If it continues then thou shalt see the full extent of my magic."

Macintosh smirked. "What? An' lose yer first pick for head concubine? 'Sides, what fun would it be if the royal concubine couldn't tease his mistress?"

"We prefer our concubines to know their place," Luna snapped.

Macintosh tilted his head. He brought a few lemons out and started to zest and juice them, separating each into their own bowls. "And just what exactly is a concubine's place?"

"To serve us," Luna said. "To come to our every beck and call, and to stand silent while looking scrumptious. Our concubines are not only used for sex, but are also trained to be exceptional servants, and for their service they are richly paid with everything a pony requires to live comfortably."

"And what about you?"

"What about us?"

"What do ya get out of it?" Macintosh asked.

Luna narrowed her eyes. "Hast thou not been listening? Sex! We receive sex!"

"That all?"

"Of course, what more could we possibly require?"

Macintosh nodded, but said nothing more on the topic. He instead focused on tossing the apple slices in with the lemon juice. He thought about what Luna said; he thought about the entire situation in general. He had a hunch, and his hunches hardly failed him.

"Alright, Ah'll be yer concubine," Big Macintosh said.

Luna's eyes brightened. "Ha! We knew thou would come to thine sense eventually. Come, let us away and consummate the agreement." Her horn began to glow, but Macintosh raised his hoof before she could pop them back to the castle.

"On one little condition," Macintosh said.

"Thou darest place conditions upon Princess Luna?" Luna said, her tone lowering.

Macintosh bowed with a grand sweep of his hoof. "If thou wouldst be so kind, oh great Princess of the Night. All Ah ask is that ye help me prepare dinner and stay long enough to enjoy the meal and let me take one last look at my beloved farm. Whaddya say? Ah do beseech thee, and such."

Luna sighed. "Very well, but this shall be the first and last request we grant thee." She scooted her chair back and went to stand beside Macintosh. "Where does thou need our divine help?"

Macintosh smiled. "Ah'll put ya in charge of the lemon chiffon pie." He placed a pie tin on the counter in front of her, and Luna stared at it as if it were a rock from the moon.

"We have never...cooked before," Luna said.

"Ya said that already, but it's alright," Macintosh said, his smile getting wider. "Ah'll guide ya. By the time we're through you'll've made a pie good enough to make Celestia cry."

Luna chuckled. "That sounds rather promising."



There had been quite a show when Princess Luna revealed herself to Macintosh's siblings, one of them the Element of Honesty, and grandmother. After the proper decorum had been observed, they had bombarded her with questions, (most of them pertaining to the princess' adjustment to life back on Equestria) but Macintosh excellently distracted them with the prospect of food. He was proving himself more and more a promising candidate for head concubine. His only flaw was his plethora of opinions. No matter, such things could be taught away.

Princess Luna sat down at the dining table now laden with minestrone soup, waldorf salad, and, of course, her lemon chiffon pie. She stared at it as the other members of the Apple family took their seats. A part of her was actually fearful of what the others might say when they tried her dessert. She made sure to squish and destroy that part of her. She was a princess of Equestria! She did not care what the common rabble had to say about her cooking abilities.

"So what're ya doin' here, Princess Luna?" the Element of Harmony asked. Applejack, Luna remembered.

"She came to see me, actually," Big Macintosh said before Luna could answer. "They're thinkin' of puttin' some apple trees in the palace garden, and they wanted one of us to come have a look. Y'all had enough on yer plates so Ah figured it'd be fine to volunteer. Thought it might be a nice chance to see that big ol' castle up close. Hope that was okay."

"Of course, Mac, that sounds fine," Applejack said.

Luna frowned. Honestly, she saw no need for the lie. Back in her day ponies would brag about being picked for the royal harem to every pony they knew. To lie about it, as if it were something taboo and dirty, was an absolute affront. She looked at Macintosh, sitting beside her, and their eyes met. They had a conversation in a split second, and Luna rolled her eyes. Very well, she supposed just this once she would let it slide. Times and attitudes change and all that.

"What was it like on the moon?" the smallest filly asked. Luna didn't remember her name.

Applejack winced. "Applebloom, ya shouldn't–"

"It was cold and lonely, with nothing but the festering desire for revenge to keep me company," Luna said. She took a sip of water. "But other than that it was quite lovely."

A thick silence filled the room and stayed there until Applejack cleared her throat to shatter it. "Well, uh, Ah'm sure we're all hungry, so let's eat."

And that was the end of it.

Conversation took place mostly within the Apple family while Princess Luna kept comfortably to herself. Her eyes kept going back to the lemon chiffon pie, however, and with every course finished her anxiety would rise just a little more. Finally the moment came when the food had all been gobbled up, and all that remained was the dessert. If Princess Luna drew breath, she would have held it as Macintosh sliced into the pie and served everyone a piece.

Applejack was the first to take the whipped yellow meringue and lemon curd into her mouth. She smiled as soon as the graham crust touched her tongue. "Wow, Big Mac, this is delicious!"

"Luna made it," Macintosh said with a smile.

Applejack turned to Princess Luna with a grin. "Really? Ah never woulda guessed. Yer one heck of a baker, Princess Luna." The others bit into Luna's dessert and heartily agreed.

Luna's cheeks warmed. "Oh, thank you very much. We–I am very proud of the result." She turned to Macintosh, a knowing smile gracing his lips. Was this what he was talking about? This feeling, this...warm sensation growing from her chest and into her stomach? It felt somehow familiar.

Macintosh stood from his seat. "C'mon, Luna, let me show ya around the farm."

The rest of the Apple family bid her farewell as they helped themselves to a second slice of the pie. Princess Luna followed Macintosh's lead and walked out the front door with him. The moon was high above them. Well, it looked as if Celestia had no trouble taking over Luna's duties. The moon stayed as they walked along the blooms of the apple trees. Macintosh was silent for several minutes into their walk. He would stop at a seemingly random tree and place his hoof flatly on its bark. He did this a dozen times before he spoke.

"Do me a favor, Princess Luna, and take a nice, deep breath from yer nose."

Luna cocked an eyebrow and shrugged, finding no reason to refuse. She took a deep breath, and her eyes widened. The sweetness of the apple blossoms greeted her first, then the calm earthiness of freshly-tilled soil. They both mingled with the heady scent of wood. All these smells along with the cold air seemed to wake Luna up, and for the first time she took in her surroundings. The hundreds of stars glinting high above them, her moon shining down to illuminate them. The small flowers, almost as numerous as the stars, adorning the apple trees, and the large, red stallion offering her a kind smile.

"Amazing," Princess Luna said.

Macintosh chuckled. "A farm is an honest thing. It doesn't care who ya are or where ya came from. You work hard, treat it right, give it what it needs, it'll pay ya back a hundredfold."

Luna smirked. "Are you speaking metaphorically now, Big Macintosh?"

"Ah don't believe in metaphors," Macintosh said, returning her smirk. He stood upon the ground and stared down the long path that wound through the apple trees. He stared like a pony that didn't believe in metaphors. "You keep talking about how yer concubines'll have everythin' they could ever need, but Ah already got everythin' Ah'll ever want right here. Ah'll never go hungry working on a farm. Ah got a family that loves me, and a warm place to rest my head. Ah'll be sad to leave."

Princess Luna considered him for a long time. He had planned this all from the beginning, hadn't he? She sighed. "Why is it that, when I am with you, alone like this, I feel as if I have much to learn?”

“Easy. It’s ‘cause you do,” Macintosh stuck his tongue out at her, and Princess Luna, appalled, gladly returned the gesture.

“Perhaps I have been too eager to fulfill the position of head concubine,” Luna said. “After all, one day and a magical kiss are hardly enough to truly see if you are indeed fit for the position. So, I suppose, it would be in both of our best interests for you to stay."

"That so, yer highness?" Macintosh asked with a chuckle.

"Yes, for now, but I'll be visiting you quite often from now on. Consider it an extensive and very thorough interview process." Luna's horn began to glow with magic. "These visits will of course be unannounced. I wish to catch you unawares. Until we meet again, Big Macintosh Apple, you had better keep to my standards."

Macintosh grinned. "See ya later, Lulu."

"Luna!" And with a flash of light and a quick pop, Luna vanished from Sweet Apple Acres.

---

"Sister!"

Celestia awoke with such a fright that she almost fell from her throne. She blinked rapidly and searched the throne room and found her sister smiling up at her. Celestia scanned the room once more for any sign of another pony, but there was none.

"Luna, you're back," Celestia said, "alone. What happened?"

"Not much," Luna said, her smile never faltering. "I will tell you all about it later. Right now, allow me to make you a lemon chiffon pie."

Princess Celestia tilted her head. Was Luna actually breathing in regular intervals now? "I...okay. I'm...looking forward to it?"

Luna's smile widened and she walked out of the throne room with a happy skip. Celestia could only stare after her. Luna offering to cook something for her? Celestia yawned and leaned back into her throne. Her horn glowed with a golden light and the orb appeared in the throne room for the second time that day. She needed to make sure Equestria wasn't currently burning to the ground.