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Under the Bed
“And he had a hook for a hoof!”
A chorus of girlish squeals lit up the night, before devolving into a fit of giggles.
Applejack clapped Rainbow Dash on the back. “Shoot, that one’s always a classic. But I feel like I heard it a dozen times by now. Ain’t anypony got some new stories to tell?”
Six mares glanced at each other as they sat around a crackling fire in the middle of the Everfree Forest.
Rarity cleared her throat. “A young filly entered a antique shop, and—”
“The mirror eats her soul,” Rainbow Dash said with a yawn.
“In a ancient and forgotten library,” Twilight started.
“Ooh, I know!” Pinkie Pie said, raising a hoof. “She finds the neighcronomicon and finds out she’s destined to bring about the apocalypse!”
Applejack sighed. “Have we really heard them all then?”
Twilight pursed her lips. “They do all tend to fall into a sort of formula, to make them easy to recall and retell, I suppose. But once you’ve learned to recognize the pattern, it removes a lot of the surprise, which is an essential element of storytelling.”
“Blah blah,” Rainbow Dash said, waving a hoof. “Hey, what about Fluttershy? We never hear any stories from her.”
Everypony’s eyes turned towards Fluttershy and she flinched behind her mane. “Oh, um, I don’t really know any good ones.”
“Nonsense, darling,” Rarity said, placing a hoof on Fluttershy’s shoulder. “I’m sure you have the perfect spooky story buried somewhere in there you just need to let it out!”
Fluttershy pursed her lips and pawed at the ground. “Well, maybe there’s one story I can think of. I’ve never told this to anypony before.”
Everyone leaned in close, their ears perked up.
“This story is about my little brother, Zephyr Cloud.”
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and made an exaggerated gagging noise. “You can stop right there, my skin is crawling already.”
Fluttershy shook her head. “It’s not like that. In fact, um. I know he’s a difficult pony to like, but when he was just a little foal he was the sweetest and most adorable little brother a filly could ask for. I spent a lot of time taking care of him, and we were really close.”
The wind rustled through the trees, branches creaking around them, and the fire seemed to lose a bit of its light as the shadows crept closer. “Every night, I would go into his room to tuck him in, tell him a story, and kiss him goodnight.”
“D’aww,” Rarity cooed. “I’d love to see that.”
Fluttershy cleared her throat. “There was one night though… um, maybe he was around four? It’s hard to remember. I finished saying goodnight and was on my way back to my room when I noticed an open window. It seemed strange, since it was cold out it was letting in a dreadful draft. As I was closing it, I heard a shout from my brother’s room, and I rushed back to him.”
The moon up above passed behind thick clouds, the darkness growing deeper still. “His eyes were wide, and he was shaking. He told me that he’d had a nightmare, and that there was a monster under his bed. As the big sister it was my duty to check, I guess. I was a little less timid back then. So I did, and…”
Fluttershy faltered, shuddering visibly.
“What?” Twilight asked, leaning closer. “Did you check?”
“I…” Fluttershy squeezed her eyes shut, and took a deep breath. “I saw my brother lying under the bed, and he whispered, ‘Sis, please help, there’s somepony in my bed.’”
Five pairs of wide eyes stared at her, and Fluttershy continued. “I screamed of course, and ran into the hall to try and find mom and dad. Next thing I knew I woke up in my own bed in a cold sweat.
“But um, he always did seem different after that. He stopped wanting me to read him stories, and he didn't give much thought to anypony but himself. I guess foals just grow up in strange ways, huh?”
The only response was silence, and Fluttershy coughed, shifting around uncomfortably.
“It’s okay, I’m, um, pretty sure it was all just a bad dream.”
A chorus of girlish squeals lit up the night, before devolving into a fit of giggles.
Applejack clapped Rainbow Dash on the back. “Shoot, that one’s always a classic. But I feel like I heard it a dozen times by now. Ain’t anypony got some new stories to tell?”
Six mares glanced at each other as they sat around a crackling fire in the middle of the Everfree Forest.
Rarity cleared her throat. “A young filly entered a antique shop, and—”
“The mirror eats her soul,” Rainbow Dash said with a yawn.
“In a ancient and forgotten library,” Twilight started.
“Ooh, I know!” Pinkie Pie said, raising a hoof. “She finds the neighcronomicon and finds out she’s destined to bring about the apocalypse!”
Applejack sighed. “Have we really heard them all then?”
Twilight pursed her lips. “They do all tend to fall into a sort of formula, to make them easy to recall and retell, I suppose. But once you’ve learned to recognize the pattern, it removes a lot of the surprise, which is an essential element of storytelling.”
“Blah blah,” Rainbow Dash said, waving a hoof. “Hey, what about Fluttershy? We never hear any stories from her.”
Everypony’s eyes turned towards Fluttershy and she flinched behind her mane. “Oh, um, I don’t really know any good ones.”
“Nonsense, darling,” Rarity said, placing a hoof on Fluttershy’s shoulder. “I’m sure you have the perfect spooky story buried somewhere in there you just need to let it out!”
Fluttershy pursed her lips and pawed at the ground. “Well, maybe there’s one story I can think of. I’ve never told this to anypony before.”
Everyone leaned in close, their ears perked up.
“This story is about my little brother, Zephyr Cloud.”
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and made an exaggerated gagging noise. “You can stop right there, my skin is crawling already.”
Fluttershy shook her head. “It’s not like that. In fact, um. I know he’s a difficult pony to like, but when he was just a little foal he was the sweetest and most adorable little brother a filly could ask for. I spent a lot of time taking care of him, and we were really close.”
The wind rustled through the trees, branches creaking around them, and the fire seemed to lose a bit of its light as the shadows crept closer. “Every night, I would go into his room to tuck him in, tell him a story, and kiss him goodnight.”
“D’aww,” Rarity cooed. “I’d love to see that.”
Fluttershy cleared her throat. “There was one night though… um, maybe he was around four? It’s hard to remember. I finished saying goodnight and was on my way back to my room when I noticed an open window. It seemed strange, since it was cold out it was letting in a dreadful draft. As I was closing it, I heard a shout from my brother’s room, and I rushed back to him.”
The moon up above passed behind thick clouds, the darkness growing deeper still. “His eyes were wide, and he was shaking. He told me that he’d had a nightmare, and that there was a monster under his bed. As the big sister it was my duty to check, I guess. I was a little less timid back then. So I did, and…”
Fluttershy faltered, shuddering visibly.
“What?” Twilight asked, leaning closer. “Did you check?”
“I…” Fluttershy squeezed her eyes shut, and took a deep breath. “I saw my brother lying under the bed, and he whispered, ‘Sis, please help, there’s somepony in my bed.’”
Five pairs of wide eyes stared at her, and Fluttershy continued. “I screamed of course, and ran into the hall to try and find mom and dad. Next thing I knew I woke up in my own bed in a cold sweat.
“But um, he always did seem different after that. He stopped wanting me to read him stories, and he didn't give much thought to anypony but himself. I guess foals just grow up in strange ways, huh?”
The only response was silence, and Fluttershy coughed, shifting around uncomfortably.
“It’s okay, I’m, um, pretty sure it was all just a bad dream.”
It's Zephyr Breeze. :raritydespair:
The story's great, though. I have no other recommendations.
The story's great, though. I have no other recommendations.
Oh, now this is a good scary story. I got real chills down my spine. Like, actual ones, right at the reveal. Very good concept.
Nitpicks: "Squeals lit up the night" doesn't work; squeals don't light. Fluttershy saying "I was a little less timid back then." feels like an explanation that is less believable than just letting the thing go without an explanation (in TVTropes terms, it's a Voodoo Shark). A few punctuation issues (commas vs. periods) but a quick editing pass would fix those just fine.
Nitpicks: "Squeals lit up the night" doesn't work; squeals don't light. Fluttershy saying "I was a little less timid back then." feels like an explanation that is less believable than just letting the thing go without an explanation (in TVTropes terms, it's a Voodoo Shark). A few punctuation issues (commas vs. periods) but a quick editing pass would fix those just fine.
Oh my. This makes a disturbing kind of sense… to a point. I’m guessing this was written before “Flutter Brutter” aired. Well, that or it was some other doppelganger rather than a changeling. Still, succinctly creepy. Nice work.
For some reason the 'D'aww' really irked me, but, uh, that was about it (aside from what's already been mentioned). This was great. Thanks for sharing.
Ooooh... Creepy and disturbing and quite a clever idea! I like!
Though you'd think this would have come up after the changeling invasion... O.o
Though you'd think this would have come up after the changeling invasion... O.o
Under The Bed - A - Disturbing on a deeper level than a mere horror story. Nice touch with the descriptions and managing to get all of the M6 screen time without feeling forced. Having Fluttershy do the story is a masterful stroke, and merging with the recent episode. High marks.
I saw this one coming, unfortunately, and subsequently didn’t get chills, as I’m pretty sure I’ve read this story before – heck, I think Monsters from a previous writeoff even played with a similar idea, though the resolution of that one was stronger.
The main problem here is that I think that we ended up too detached from it. I think this could have been stronger if it had been more proximate to the events of the story.
The main problem here is that I think that we ended up too detached from it. I think this could have been stronger if it had been more proximate to the events of the story.
Unfortunately, Writer, this story falls victim to the very trope it opens with - I've heard read this one before.
THAT SAID, I think this is a very competent re-skinning of the story. I agree with >>georg, each of the girls feels present, but not obtrusive, and their voicing is on point.
I'm not sure I agree with >>TitaniumDragon; if you reframe the story such that it's happening directly to Fluttershy, rather than a story she's retelling later, there will be even less to differentiate it from the original material. Though he is correct, it doesn't quite have the same impact when told this way.
THAT SAID, I think this is a very competent re-skinning of the story. I agree with >>georg, each of the girls feels present, but not obtrusive, and their voicing is on point.
I'm not sure I agree with >>TitaniumDragon; if you reframe the story such that it's happening directly to Fluttershy, rather than a story she's retelling later, there will be even less to differentiate it from the original material. Though he is correct, it doesn't quite have the same impact when told this way.
>>Trick_Question
Noted! I need to start keeping files on everyone so I can get better at guessing. ^^
Noted! I need to start keeping files on everyone so I can get better at guessing. ^^
Well, I'm under the impression that the whole first part is just an introduction to the second. I mean, you have to wait until the second half to really read something relevant to your story. The rest is just a setup to introduce it. I agree with TD here. Why not tell us the story as it happened, rather than packing it into another story which we don't know nothing about?
And the story itself. Yeah, ghost or changeling? It’s a bit tired.
But, on the other hand, the story is pretty neatly written. Journeyman work.
And the story itself. Yeah, ghost or changeling? It’s a bit tired.
But, on the other hand, the story is pretty neatly written. Journeyman work.
I can say with no exaggeration that this was my favorite story out of this competition. It's a slow-burning ghost story that doesn't even reveal it is a ghost story until the last few lines, and it's a horrifying one if it is just a story. The build-up is phenomenal, turning a simple camping trip into a horror that, for once, isn't a monster or serial killer stalking them in the woods. I also loved how the story misdirects us in the beginning, making us think this'll be a Scooby-Doo shenanigan story, but then suddenly morphs into an ungodly creepy tale. Like I said earlier, I love stories that do this, and I think it was particularly effective here.
A solid horror fic. 9/10
>>Monokeras
Personally, I think that first part is important to understanding the second part. Without the framing, I don't think the story would've had as much impact as it did. Putting the tale so far in the past makes the implications more terrifying, as it makes any revelations realized now obsolete, as the thing that may or may not be her brother has usurped his role regardless. You probably could do it straight without the framing, but I think the framing makes it all the more impactful.
Also, I didn't interpret the "thing" as being a Changeling or a ghost. I just thought of it as being it's own thing, given that the sparse description of it didn't really tip me off to it being anything specifically like a ghost or Changeling. Maybe I missed something, but I didn't think of it as being "tired"; I thought it fit the story just fine.
A solid horror fic. 9/10
>>Monokeras
Personally, I think that first part is important to understanding the second part. Without the framing, I don't think the story would've had as much impact as it did. Putting the tale so far in the past makes the implications more terrifying, as it makes any revelations realized now obsolete, as the thing that may or may not be her brother has usurped his role regardless. You probably could do it straight without the framing, but I think the framing makes it all the more impactful.
Also, I didn't interpret the "thing" as being a Changeling or a ghost. I just thought of it as being it's own thing, given that the sparse description of it didn't really tip me off to it being anything specifically like a ghost or Changeling. Maybe I missed something, but I didn't think of it as being "tired"; I thought it fit the story just fine.
>>Trick_Question >>Rolo >>FanOfMostEverything >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>Morning Sun >>TheCyanRecluse >>georg >>TitaniumDragon >>PaulAsaran >>Icenrose >>Exuno >>Monokeras >>libertydude
Under the Bed
Thanks for the reviews everyone, and congratulations to the medalists.
I'm glad so many people ended up liking this story. In truth, I wasn't expecting much from the story. It was a bit half-assed on my part, and Istole borrowed the punchline from this thread on reddit about short horror stories. I honestly kind of figured more people would have seen the like before, and thus would fall flat like it did for some of you, but I guess that gamble paid off.
Like libertydude said, I do think that presenting the story within a frame narrative works better than just telling it straight out, because it takes the horror to much darker implications about "something normal in this world that we all know might actually be something horrific, and nobody ever noticed." It's a different type of scary than the monster under the bed reveal, and I think the story would have been weaker without it.
As a story, I don't think there's much room to expand it, and I never tend to bother with my minifics most of the time anyway. Maybe I'll get around to throwing them into a fic compilation one of these days.
Thanks again, and see you all next round!
Also I'm of the opinion that the story was all BS and Fluttershy was just fucking with everyone.
Under the Bed
Thanks for the reviews everyone, and congratulations to the medalists.
I'm glad so many people ended up liking this story. In truth, I wasn't expecting much from the story. It was a bit half-assed on my part, and I
Like libertydude said, I do think that presenting the story within a frame narrative works better than just telling it straight out, because it takes the horror to much darker implications about "something normal in this world that we all know might actually be something horrific, and nobody ever noticed." It's a different type of scary than the monster under the bed reveal, and I think the story would have been weaker without it.
As a story, I don't think there's much room to expand it, and I never tend to bother with my minifics most of the time anyway. Maybe I'll get around to throwing them into a fic compilation one of these days.
Thanks again, and see you all next round!
Also I'm of the opinion that the story was all BS and Fluttershy was just fucking with everyone.
>>Trick_Question
MA Larson said at Everfree Northwest that it isn't fun to throw rocks at Fluttershy.
Dude clearly is losing his edge.
MA Larson said at Everfree Northwest that it isn't fun to throw rocks at Fluttershy.
Dude clearly is losing his edge.
>>Oroboro
As much as I like that interpretation, I'm not sure I can buy Fluttershy making up the story—it's too far outside the bounds of what her character can do well. She can scare ponies by directly terrorizing them, but she isn't remotely good at telling scary stories (see "Scare Master"). I expect her to shy from scary tales.
As much as I like that interpretation, I'm not sure I can buy Fluttershy making up the story—it's too far outside the bounds of what her character can do well. She can scare ponies by directly terrorizing them, but she isn't remotely good at telling scary stories (see "Scare Master"). I expect her to shy from scary tales.