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Structurally, I'm not sure what you're going for. There's not a regular meter. The first stanza has an ABAB rhyme scheme which sets up expectations, but the rest are ABCB. That first stanza even had an internal B rhyme in the third line, but then the third stanza has an internal C rhyme.
I suppose the title should have clued me in, but I didn't understand what was going on until the final stanza. I though the "you" in the first line was to some non-specific person, and the two middle stanzas don't really evoke someone screwing up the universe, so it's only at the end I see what the story to it is, and they I have to go back over it all. I think it would have been more coherent if you'd made that clear in the first stanza. Once that understanding dawns, though, it's a fun enough poem.
I suppose the title should have clued me in, but I didn't understand what was going on until the final stanza. I though the "you" in the first line was to some non-specific person, and the two middle stanzas don't really evoke someone screwing up the universe, so it's only at the end I see what the story to it is, and they I have to go back over it all. I think it would have been more coherent if you'd made that clear in the first stanza. Once that understanding dawns, though, it's a fun enough poem.
On structure, it looks like only the 2nd and 4th lines rhyme, and the lines alternate 8 and 10 syllables. That makes for a somewhat irregular read, but there's nothing wrong with it. The second line of the final stanza seems to come up a syllable short, though.
On story, I'm really not sure what's happening here. Is this someone watching a nuclear explosion? But I'm not sure why he's doing that, whether he's the one who caused it (and again why), and that leaves me not knowing what the last line is supposed to mean. Good imagery, but I'm lost as to what point it's making.
On story, I'm really not sure what's happening here. Is this someone watching a nuclear explosion? But I'm not sure why he's doing that, whether he's the one who caused it (and again why), and that leaves me not knowing what the last line is supposed to mean. Good imagery, but I'm lost as to what point it's making.
Off from the rigorous structure of a limerick, which usually has 9, 9, 6, 6, 9 syllables, and the stress pattern is usually anapests or amphibrachs. It's not considered a bad thing for the words to feel forced into their stress pattern, as that's common and sometimes thought of as somewhat essential.
As to story, I really don't know. I don't know why heliocentrism is singled out as something Holmes is trying to forget, and I'd take the poem more from Watson's point of view is accusing Holmes of "trying" to forget it, since it doesn't seem like he'd actually want to. Then in the end, it's really going to hinge on the reader recognizing what's honestly a very obscure name these days. Knowing Holmes, I figured it must be a composer or violinist, and it turns out to be both, but I'm a classical music aficionado, and I had only vaguely heard the name before. Not that it would fit a limerick well, but wasn't Holmes more obsessed with Beethoven's violin concerto? I like the idea, but it's pretty esoteric.
As to story, I really don't know. I don't know why heliocentrism is singled out as something Holmes is trying to forget, and I'd take the poem more from Watson's point of view is accusing Holmes of "trying" to forget it, since it doesn't seem like he'd actually want to. Then in the end, it's really going to hinge on the reader recognizing what's honestly a very obscure name these days. Knowing Holmes, I figured it must be a composer or violinist, and it turns out to be both, but I'm a classical music aficionado, and I had only vaguely heard the name before. Not that it would fit a limerick well, but wasn't Holmes more obsessed with Beethoven's violin concerto? I like the idea, but it's pretty esoteric.
Haiku or... crap, I forget what they're technically supposed to be called when they're not about nature and don't have a specific kind of first line. Anyway, it's fine enough, and maybe I'm reading into it too much, but is this describing a Dyson sphere?
>>Pascoite
I had in mind, dim arc seen from afar,
A Dyson stripe, a Ringworld 'round a star.
A rare and stately thing to find in Heaven,
A Halo that adorned the brow of Niven.
I had in mind, dim arc seen from afar,
A Dyson stripe, a Ringworld 'round a star.
A rare and stately thing to find in Heaven,
A Halo that adorned the brow of Niven.
>>Pascoite
The first two lines do reference an exchange in Study in Scarlet, where Watson is amazed to find that his learned friend not only doesn't know that the Earth goes around the Sun, but having learned it is determined to forget it, as it makes no difference to his intended line of work and hence is just a waste of precious neural capacity.
As to the last line, I did bungle that, having written four lines with no zinger to end them, and after fevered searching selecting an obscure name that didn't properly rhyme. I'll see if time gives me a better closure for this benighted clench.
The first two lines do reference an exchange in Study in Scarlet, where Watson is amazed to find that his learned friend not only doesn't know that the Earth goes around the Sun, but having learned it is determined to forget it, as it makes no difference to his intended line of work and hence is just a waste of precious neural capacity.
As to the last line, I did bungle that, having written four lines with no zinger to end them, and after fevered searching selecting an obscure name that didn't properly rhyme. I'll see if time gives me a better closure for this benighted clench.
>>Pascoite
This references an anecdote about the physicist Richard Feynman, who was present at the Trinity test. He related that he didn't wish to use the provided safety glasses, and sat behind the windshield of a truck to watch the blast, which indeed dazzled him but did not permanently damage his eyesight.
My intent with this piece, other than finding a means to compactly versify how such a bomb works, was to highlight how it reflected the rest of Feynman's storied career; stubborn, iconoclastic, rebellious, with the practical search for truth even when it hurts. Rather much to try to squeeze in, in retrospect.
This references an anecdote about the physicist Richard Feynman, who was present at the Trinity test. He related that he didn't wish to use the provided safety glasses, and sat behind the windshield of a truck to watch the blast, which indeed dazzled him but did not permanently damage his eyesight.
My intent with this piece, other than finding a means to compactly versify how such a bomb works, was to highlight how it reflected the rest of Feynman's storied career; stubborn, iconoclastic, rebellious, with the practical search for truth even when it hurts. Rather much to try to squeeze in, in retrospect.
>>Pascoite
Thank you for the kinder words than I deserve for this little thing. I was just feeling loose and frivolous and strung some words and conceits together late at night until I had little more to say about the Cosmic Watchmaker's Apprentice. I'm glad that it yielded some fun!
Thank you for the kinder words than I deserve for this little thing. I was just feeling loose and frivolous and strung some words and conceits together late at night until I had little more to say about the Cosmic Watchmaker's Apprentice. I'm glad that it yielded some fun!