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Where the Wild Things Aren't
The full moon was large and bright, setting a silver edge to the rooftops of Ponyville and the treetops of Everfree, and lending a soft gleam to the remote mountaintops and clouds. The night sky sparkled with stars, a gentle breeze soughed through the branches, the rivers flowed placidly in their beds, and most of the world was asleep and at peace, save for those creatures that made their way in the world in the darker hours.
Rarity was numbered among them now, and she crept into a particular forest clearing with the steady step of the condemned prisoner facing the gallows with all of their courage supplanted by pride. She still resembled a pony at this stage, but one who knew her well might mark a certain thickening of her hair, a pointing of her ears, that forecast what her fate would be that night as the moonlight had its full effect on her.
Her hackles lifted at the sudden hoot of an owl, and she backed slowly, looking around the clearing, until her rump firmly made contact with that of another pony! She yelped and leaped, spinning in the air to face… someone she knew.
“Oh! Oh my, Fluttershy!” exclaimed Rarity. “You scared me nearly to death just now. Whatever are you doing out here so late?” She hoped with all her heart that her friend would not tarry long.
Fluttershy had taken to the air when she was startled, and she now settled slowly upon the ground. “Oh, Rarity, how odd to see you tonight! I mean good. I mean…” She stammered with flustration. “I wasn’t hoping to see, I mean expecting to see anyone–” She gulped as the moon developed its light and power upon the clearing, making them glimmer with blue and silver tones.
Rarity sighed. “Say no more, darling, I think I understand. You are here for the same reason I am here. We have both of us been cursed, have we not? Both condemned to lose control of our bodies, to surrender to our primal natures, all because of some ill-fated accident, such as when I was bitten by what I thought was a wolf several months back…”
Fluttershy blinked. “Well, not actually, because you see…”
“Ah, ah!” Rarity waved a hoof at her flustered friend. “You needn’t try to deny it dear, it all fits, and I see the panic in your eyes which is as good as a confession. We have both come here to change, far from those who might discover our secret. Do not worry, for my part I shall keep my silence as we both seek a cure.” Rarity shivered as the moon slowly wrought its effect within her and her canines grew. “I am just curious, what event brought the curse upon you?”
“I… pricked my gums with an antique toothpick,” Fluttershy whimpered as the moonlight took hold upon her.
“A toothpick? What–” Rarity could speak no more, for the wild fur was flowing over her as her hooves spread into wolf paws and her eyes took on a predator’s stare, her snout growing forth over her snarling teeth as the lupine call took hold of her.
Fluttershy also felt the call, but she suddenly stood upright, planting her hooves deep in the ground, as thick woody bark grew around her body and her arms branched up into multiple twigs that bore shaking leaves under the starry sky.
Wolf Rarity sat on her haunches, puzzled to see the yellow trunk with pink leaves that stood before her. But soon what remained of her acute intellect soon grasped the essential points of the situation. She lifted her snout to the sky and gave the primal call, the wild howl that would bring the other wolves of the Everfree running to her.
As their dark shapes with yellow eyes flowed into the clearing, Rarity was already advancing upon the yellow tree, pacing around it, sniffing at the roots, and the others joined her in circling and snuffling.
Fluttershy stood bolt upright, indeed she had no choice. Indeed, she had undergone much worse in the past. But as the circling canines started to lift their legs, she still felt it was rather unfair. Though in truth, Rarity’s poise and polish did indeed often leave Fluttershy at a loss and ever so slightly resentful, so that tomorrow, it would be some small comfort to the pegasus to reflect that she had finally and definitively taken the piss out of her friend.
Rarity was numbered among them now, and she crept into a particular forest clearing with the steady step of the condemned prisoner facing the gallows with all of their courage supplanted by pride. She still resembled a pony at this stage, but one who knew her well might mark a certain thickening of her hair, a pointing of her ears, that forecast what her fate would be that night as the moonlight had its full effect on her.
Her hackles lifted at the sudden hoot of an owl, and she backed slowly, looking around the clearing, until her rump firmly made contact with that of another pony! She yelped and leaped, spinning in the air to face… someone she knew.
“Oh! Oh my, Fluttershy!” exclaimed Rarity. “You scared me nearly to death just now. Whatever are you doing out here so late?” She hoped with all her heart that her friend would not tarry long.
Fluttershy had taken to the air when she was startled, and she now settled slowly upon the ground. “Oh, Rarity, how odd to see you tonight! I mean good. I mean…” She stammered with flustration. “I wasn’t hoping to see, I mean expecting to see anyone–” She gulped as the moon developed its light and power upon the clearing, making them glimmer with blue and silver tones.
Rarity sighed. “Say no more, darling, I think I understand. You are here for the same reason I am here. We have both of us been cursed, have we not? Both condemned to lose control of our bodies, to surrender to our primal natures, all because of some ill-fated accident, such as when I was bitten by what I thought was a wolf several months back…”
Fluttershy blinked. “Well, not actually, because you see…”
“Ah, ah!” Rarity waved a hoof at her flustered friend. “You needn’t try to deny it dear, it all fits, and I see the panic in your eyes which is as good as a confession. We have both come here to change, far from those who might discover our secret. Do not worry, for my part I shall keep my silence as we both seek a cure.” Rarity shivered as the moon slowly wrought its effect within her and her canines grew. “I am just curious, what event brought the curse upon you?”
“I… pricked my gums with an antique toothpick,” Fluttershy whimpered as the moonlight took hold upon her.
“A toothpick? What–” Rarity could speak no more, for the wild fur was flowing over her as her hooves spread into wolf paws and her eyes took on a predator’s stare, her snout growing forth over her snarling teeth as the lupine call took hold of her.
Fluttershy also felt the call, but she suddenly stood upright, planting her hooves deep in the ground, as thick woody bark grew around her body and her arms branched up into multiple twigs that bore shaking leaves under the starry sky.
Wolf Rarity sat on her haunches, puzzled to see the yellow trunk with pink leaves that stood before her. But soon what remained of her acute intellect soon grasped the essential points of the situation. She lifted her snout to the sky and gave the primal call, the wild howl that would bring the other wolves of the Everfree running to her.
As their dark shapes with yellow eyes flowed into the clearing, Rarity was already advancing upon the yellow tree, pacing around it, sniffing at the roots, and the others joined her in circling and snuffling.
Fluttershy stood bolt upright, indeed she had no choice. Indeed, she had undergone much worse in the past. But as the circling canines started to lift their legs, she still felt it was rather unfair. Though in truth, Rarity’s poise and polish did indeed often leave Fluttershy at a loss and ever so slightly resentful, so that tomorrow, it would be some small comfort to the pegasus to reflect that she had finally and definitively taken the piss out of her friend.
Uuuuuuuugh.
That's not a criticism; that's exactly the reaction this story was going for at the end, and you got it. Uuuuuuuuugh.
Okay, so: I like that you start heavily dramatic, the better to be undermined later, but I'd take another look at some of your choices there; "the steady step of the condemned prisoner facing the gallows" doesn't really jive with Equestria, for example, and could be easily enough replaced without changing the overall tone. But in fact, I would change the tone in an important way: I'd keep this entire story from Fluttershy's PoV, rather than start with Rarity and shift over for the punchline. Because you need Fluttershy's PoV for the last line, but you could keep pretty much the same beats by staying there the whole way. And as a bonus, you could get an earlier fake-out on the reader by making the early going really sound like Flutter is a werewolf, then pulling that rug out on us as soon as Rarity starts talking!
But now I'm getting dangerously close to telling you how I'd write your story, rather than just what worked and didn't. As-is, this was a funny little idea, way to write an "I'd like to be a tree" story in the year of our lord 2024, and uuuuuuuuuuugh.
That's not a criticism; that's exactly the reaction this story was going for at the end, and you got it. Uuuuuuuuugh.
Okay, so: I like that you start heavily dramatic, the better to be undermined later, but I'd take another look at some of your choices there; "the steady step of the condemned prisoner facing the gallows" doesn't really jive with Equestria, for example, and could be easily enough replaced without changing the overall tone. But in fact, I would change the tone in an important way: I'd keep this entire story from Fluttershy's PoV, rather than start with Rarity and shift over for the punchline. Because you need Fluttershy's PoV for the last line, but you could keep pretty much the same beats by staying there the whole way. And as a bonus, you could get an earlier fake-out on the reader by making the early going really sound like Flutter is a werewolf, then pulling that rug out on us as soon as Rarity starts talking!
But now I'm getting dangerously close to telling you how I'd write your story, rather than just what worked and didn't. As-is, this was a funny little idea, way to write an "I'd like to be a tree" story in the year of our lord 2024, and uuuuuuuuuuugh.
What >>Chris said:
The whole first paragraph here is kind of wasted real estate when writing a minific. I mean, all those words to say that the moon was full? But I completely agree about rewriting this to stay in Fluttershy's POV throughout. And our second piss joke this Writeoff: I'm surprised there aren't any fibrous nuggets anywhere... :)
Mike
The whole first paragraph here is kind of wasted real estate when writing a minific. I mean, all those words to say that the moon was full? But I completely agree about rewriting this to stay in Fluttershy's POV throughout. And our second piss joke this Writeoff: I'm surprised there aren't any fibrous nuggets anywhere... :)
Mike
Rereading this before commenting, the "antique toothpick" line remains fantastic.
I disagree pretty strongly with >>Baal Bunny regarding the opening paragraph - it's true that the scene-setting at the opening isn't terribly efficient plot-wise, but this story is fundamentally a shaggy dog joke, and those don't really want to be efficient. Besides, the story really needs to set a dramatic tone in order to subvert it later, and the opening felt to me like it did that very well.
I think I agree with Chris about the gallows line - it's not necessarily unreasonable for a darker take on Equestria to involve the death penalty, which isn't substantively all that different from the semi-permanent petrifications we see in canon (and I do think, given the basic structure of 'set up dramatic situation, then subvert it hard for a punchline', that it makes sense to suggest a somewhat darker take on Equestria than the default assumption), but I did find myself spending more time arguing with myself about whether Equestria would have gallows than I think is desired. That said, while the line stuck out on reread, I don't remember noticing it much on initial readthrough, so I might just be being over-influenced by Chris's comment.
The perspective shift felt fine to me - from Rarity's perspective this is a horror-drama, and from Fluttershy's perspective this is a comedy, so lining up the perspective change with the genre change seems reasonably natural. I actually think doing this all from Fluttershy's perspective would weaken it somewhat, since then the pulling of the rug would feel much more like authorial sleight-of-hand than it currently does, which would take focus off the absurdity of the situation.
I disagree pretty strongly with >>Baal Bunny regarding the opening paragraph - it's true that the scene-setting at the opening isn't terribly efficient plot-wise, but this story is fundamentally a shaggy dog joke, and those don't really want to be efficient. Besides, the story really needs to set a dramatic tone in order to subvert it later, and the opening felt to me like it did that very well.
I think I agree with Chris about the gallows line - it's not necessarily unreasonable for a darker take on Equestria to involve the death penalty, which isn't substantively all that different from the semi-permanent petrifications we see in canon (and I do think, given the basic structure of 'set up dramatic situation, then subvert it hard for a punchline', that it makes sense to suggest a somewhat darker take on Equestria than the default assumption), but I did find myself spending more time arguing with myself about whether Equestria would have gallows than I think is desired. That said, while the line stuck out on reread, I don't remember noticing it much on initial readthrough, so I might just be being over-influenced by Chris's comment.
The perspective shift felt fine to me - from Rarity's perspective this is a horror-drama, and from Fluttershy's perspective this is a comedy, so lining up the perspective change with the genre change seems reasonably natural. I actually think doing this all from Fluttershy's perspective would weaken it somewhat, since then the pulling of the rug would feel much more like authorial sleight-of-hand than it currently does, which would take focus off the absurdity of the situation.
I would add that I like how Fluttershy’s famed arboreal fantasies are only alluded to here, rather than pegged down with a callback. This gives a satirical edge to a well-paced and well-characterized punchline.
>>Zaid Val'Roa, >>Forcalor, >>Chris, >>Baal Bunny, >>Rubidium, >>Heavy_Mole
Where the Mild Things Are
Thanks for the silver! Grats and welcome to Rubidium, grats and welcome back to Chris, and thanks and condolences to Zaid, Baal and Mole.
I felt my way through this fic (It was initially going to be a dialogue with Luna concerning her take on lycanthropy) and only picked out the punchline when it was mostly done; I am fortunate that it worked out so well. I appreciate the suggestions and intend to act upon them in one way or another should I bulk up this odd tale for presentation on Fimfic.
Thank you very much for the lovely and thoughtful comments, I am glad to see so many faces here.
Where the Mild Things Are
Thanks for the silver! Grats and welcome to Rubidium, grats and welcome back to Chris, and thanks and condolences to Zaid, Baal and Mole.
I felt my way through this fic (It was initially going to be a dialogue with Luna concerning her take on lycanthropy) and only picked out the punchline when it was mostly done; I am fortunate that it worked out so well. I appreciate the suggestions and intend to act upon them in one way or another should I bulk up this odd tale for presentation on Fimfic.
Thank you very much for the lovely and thoughtful comments, I am glad to see so many faces here.