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Ruby Ruckus
“How long have we been walking?”
“Since we last ate.”
“Was that today, or yesterday?”
“I don’t know where we are, let alone when…”
Rover fumed as he walked ahead of his two companions. They’d been walking nonstop through the forest but they were reaching their limit. Life had been hard since Fido, Spot, and him were kicked out of their pack. Justified or not, the other dogs had not been happy they’d given away all of their gems.
Ever since, they’d been down in the dumps. Surviving off what they could find and taking shelter where they could, And with all the dangerous creatures in the forest, there were few places where they could rest.
Suddenly, Fido asked “Hey… What’s that noise?”
The three perked their ears. Some distance away, there was a faint noise of movement and hushed voices.
“Ponies, maybe?” Spot suggested, his ears twitching nervously.
Rover let out a pained whine. He didn't want to deal with ponies again, but he was far too hungry and tired to turn down the prospect of food, even if it was a possibility.
“Let's find out,” Rover grunted, motioning for his companions to follow as he walked in the direction of the noise.
After a few minutes of walking, they reached a small opening on a mountainside from which a warm glow emanated. After exchanging quick glances, they shared a resolute nod and crept towards the cave. They were greeted by a long and narrow tunnel, the depths of which were bathed in the warm glow of fire.
“That's… weird,” Spot muttered under his breath.
It was true, but there was no way Rover was going to go back to wandering the forest. If ponies were here, that meant food was with them. The trio crept through the winding tunnels, the voices becoming clearer with each step. Finally, they emerged into a vast cavern, with a handful of robed ponies milling about. There were several crates, little tents, and many more trinkets strewn about the cave, yet what caught their eye was…
The trio bit down to avoid gasping in surprise.
In the middle of the cave stood a gigantic ruby, glistening with an otherworldly light. Surrounding it were numerous ponies, their faces serious and intent. The ponies carefully shrouded the gem in a delicate veil.
Rover’s eyes gleamed with greed. “Look at that! We need that gem!”
“But the ponies are guarding it,” Spot whispered, his voice tinged with fear.
“We wait until they sleep,” Rover decided. “Then we take it.”
The Diamond Dogs retreated to a shadowy corner of the cave, watching as the ponies milled about. Eventually, the ponies retreated into the tents.
As the last of the ponies entered their tent, Rover nudged his companions. “Now’s our chance.”
Spot and Rover brought a large stone with them the size of the enormous ruby they’d seen. With practised stealth, the Diamond Dogs approached the centre of the cavern. Fido, using his strength, carefully lifted the gem and removed the veil.
It felt… weird against his paws, but he paid it little mind. He removed the rest of the fabric and wrapped it around the stone Spot and Rover were holding. Then, the three of them slid it back into its place. The switch was smooth, and within moments, they were making their way back to the cave entrance, the enormous ruby in tow.
Halfway through the tunnel, they heard the ponies coming out of their tents, and forced the trio to run out of the cave.
“That… was close,” Fido said between breaths.
“Yeah… But we managed to get this amazing gem!”
Deep in the cave, they heard the voices starting again, but this time they weren’t just speaking.
“What are they doing?” Spot whispered.
“They’re… chanting something,” Fido replied, glancing back.
A bright light filled the cavern, and a powerful wind began to howl. Soon, however, the voices turned from ecstatic to horrified as a different voice filled the air.
A deep rumble shook the whole mountain, and the warm orange light changed into a deep red hue. Suddenly, the voices turned into screams echoing through the cave until an ominous snap made everything go silent.
The Diamond Dogs stared at each other, the weight of what they had witnessed sinking in.
“Let’s get out of here!” Rover barked, panic rising in his voice.
Without a second thought, the Diamond Dogs bolted, leaving the ruby behind as their howls of terror echoed through the night.
“Since we last ate.”
“Was that today, or yesterday?”
“I don’t know where we are, let alone when…”
Rover fumed as he walked ahead of his two companions. They’d been walking nonstop through the forest but they were reaching their limit. Life had been hard since Fido, Spot, and him were kicked out of their pack. Justified or not, the other dogs had not been happy they’d given away all of their gems.
Ever since, they’d been down in the dumps. Surviving off what they could find and taking shelter where they could, And with all the dangerous creatures in the forest, there were few places where they could rest.
Suddenly, Fido asked “Hey… What’s that noise?”
The three perked their ears. Some distance away, there was a faint noise of movement and hushed voices.
“Ponies, maybe?” Spot suggested, his ears twitching nervously.
Rover let out a pained whine. He didn't want to deal with ponies again, but he was far too hungry and tired to turn down the prospect of food, even if it was a possibility.
“Let's find out,” Rover grunted, motioning for his companions to follow as he walked in the direction of the noise.
After a few minutes of walking, they reached a small opening on a mountainside from which a warm glow emanated. After exchanging quick glances, they shared a resolute nod and crept towards the cave. They were greeted by a long and narrow tunnel, the depths of which were bathed in the warm glow of fire.
“That's… weird,” Spot muttered under his breath.
It was true, but there was no way Rover was going to go back to wandering the forest. If ponies were here, that meant food was with them. The trio crept through the winding tunnels, the voices becoming clearer with each step. Finally, they emerged into a vast cavern, with a handful of robed ponies milling about. There were several crates, little tents, and many more trinkets strewn about the cave, yet what caught their eye was…
The trio bit down to avoid gasping in surprise.
In the middle of the cave stood a gigantic ruby, glistening with an otherworldly light. Surrounding it were numerous ponies, their faces serious and intent. The ponies carefully shrouded the gem in a delicate veil.
Rover’s eyes gleamed with greed. “Look at that! We need that gem!”
“But the ponies are guarding it,” Spot whispered, his voice tinged with fear.
“We wait until they sleep,” Rover decided. “Then we take it.”
The Diamond Dogs retreated to a shadowy corner of the cave, watching as the ponies milled about. Eventually, the ponies retreated into the tents.
As the last of the ponies entered their tent, Rover nudged his companions. “Now’s our chance.”
Spot and Rover brought a large stone with them the size of the enormous ruby they’d seen. With practised stealth, the Diamond Dogs approached the centre of the cavern. Fido, using his strength, carefully lifted the gem and removed the veil.
It felt… weird against his paws, but he paid it little mind. He removed the rest of the fabric and wrapped it around the stone Spot and Rover were holding. Then, the three of them slid it back into its place. The switch was smooth, and within moments, they were making their way back to the cave entrance, the enormous ruby in tow.
Halfway through the tunnel, they heard the ponies coming out of their tents, and forced the trio to run out of the cave.
“That… was close,” Fido said between breaths.
“Yeah… But we managed to get this amazing gem!”
Deep in the cave, they heard the voices starting again, but this time they weren’t just speaking.
“What are they doing?” Spot whispered.
“They’re… chanting something,” Fido replied, glancing back.
A bright light filled the cavern, and a powerful wind began to howl. Soon, however, the voices turned from ecstatic to horrified as a different voice filled the air.
A deep rumble shook the whole mountain, and the warm orange light changed into a deep red hue. Suddenly, the voices turned into screams echoing through the cave until an ominous snap made everything go silent.
The Diamond Dogs stared at each other, the weight of what they had witnessed sinking in.
“Let’s get out of here!” Rover barked, panic rising in his voice.
Without a second thought, the Diamond Dogs bolted, leaving the ruby behind as their howls of terror echoed through the night.
Pics
This is going to come out harsher than I intend it to be, but the fact is that my immediate reaction upon finishing this story was: so what? Like, the three diamond dogs are wandering around and hungry, they snatch a gem from some (cultist?) ponies, and something goes wrong for said ponies because of the switch. But so what? I don't know what the stakes are, I don't know what this ruby is, I don't know if the Doggos just accidentally saved Equestria, accidentally doomed the universe, or accidentally did something largely inconsequential! No, you certainly don't need to explain everything in a fic, but I don't feel like you gave me nearly enough pieces to even try to construct the narrative.
Truth be told, this feels like the setup to a story, not a story itself. Oh sure, you could change the focus a bit so that it's a story that tells us something about the dogs (one where them taking the gem and its negative consequences for the ponies thematically reinforces their in-show distain for how their actions affect others, perhaps, or one where their theft redounds against them at the end in an echo of how kidnapping Rarity cost them their home at the start), but my guess is that you'll be happier theming this baby up by adding to the backend rather than by trying to insert/intersperse.
Right now, I read this as some post-Dog and Pony Show blank-filling that doesn't serve any larger purpose. And that means that I'm looking for meaning in your waypoints and coming up empty. Rather than just being able to enjoy, for example, some very nice survival concern imagery, I'm trying to figure out what that's supposed to tell me; I'm looking at it for meaning instead of for/as setup, because I can't find the meaning. Once I have that purpose, that meaning--what are you telling me about these dogs, about Equestria, etc. that I don't already know?--then I think a lot of my ennui about this fic will resolve itself.
Truth be told, this feels like the setup to a story, not a story itself. Oh sure, you could change the focus a bit so that it's a story that tells us something about the dogs (one where them taking the gem and its negative consequences for the ponies thematically reinforces their in-show distain for how their actions affect others, perhaps, or one where their theft redounds against them at the end in an echo of how kidnapping Rarity cost them their home at the start), but my guess is that you'll be happier theming this baby up by adding to the backend rather than by trying to insert/intersperse.
Right now, I read this as some post-Dog and Pony Show blank-filling that doesn't serve any larger purpose. And that means that I'm looking for meaning in your waypoints and coming up empty. Rather than just being able to enjoy, for example, some very nice survival concern imagery, I'm trying to figure out what that's supposed to tell me; I'm looking at it for meaning instead of for/as setup, because I can't find the meaning. Once I have that purpose, that meaning--what are you telling me about these dogs, about Equestria, etc. that I don't already know?--then I think a lot of my ennui about this fic will resolve itself.
What >>Chris said:
For me, it needs a little more context to make it into a story, an expansion throughout so we can understand how the dogs' actions have effected the world around them. Oh, and an extra tap of the "Enter" key between paragraphs, please. It makes thing much easier to read.
Mike
For me, it needs a little more context to make it into a story, an expansion throughout so we can understand how the dogs' actions have effected the world around them. Oh, and an extra tap of the "Enter" key between paragraphs, please. It makes thing much easier to read.
Mike
In addition to the above, I was a bit thrown by the repeated mentions of hunger/tiredness - it seemed like you were setting something up with those and the decision to enter the cavern in search of food, but as soon as they spot the gem that thread just sort of disappears. Not sure if it was meant to be a thematic commentary of some sort - if so, it went over my head.
This one is not quite out of the oven, as others have said.
Though in my case, the question is not so much "So what?" as it is "Then... what next?"
Though in my case, the question is not so much "So what?" as it is "Then... what next?"