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Pileup
Everything smelled like burnt rubber as Dave doubled over behind the police car. A mushy mesh of orange juice and half-digested bagel spewed from his lips and splattered across the dirt. Lynn rubbed his shoulder, and he tried to take a breath, but all he could muster was a cough followed by another burst of vomit. A thin layer of brown sludge covered the SCMPD emblem on the side of their car. Hopefully no one would notice.
“Jesus,” Dave said, wiping the tears from his eyes. His legs shuddered. “Christ, Christ. Sorry.”
“Not a problem.” Lynn’s meaty hand felt like a paddle clapping against his back. “Better out than in. Just mind the uniform, yeah? Don’t matter if you’re filthy; you’re gonna be wearing that shirt all day.”
Just the thought of sitting in that ninety degree heat all day was enough to make Dave nauseous again. He wiped his lips with a napkin and followed Lynn back to the scene.
Yet, it took only one glance at the ambulance parked in the breakdown lane for his knees to quiver again.
He couldn’t understand why they were still here. What could a paramedic do for a guy whose brain lay splattered across a highway?
But still the paramedics stood there, looming over the ghost-white sheet. The two of them, they were—they were smiling. Laughing. Joking around with the investigators while some kid’s corpse rotted beneath them.
Some kid. He couldn’t have been more than nineteen. Where was Dave at nineteen? At home playing Goldeneye with his sister. But this kid didn’t have a head anymore. How could you play Goldeneye without a head? Did this kid have a sister? How loud would she scream when she found out about this?
“Davey?” asked Lynn, waving a hand in front of his face. “You in there, hun?”
He didn’t know. Watching the paramedics laugh, Dave felt for a moment like his own brain had been taken out, leaving his head an empty shell.
“I’m fine,” Dave said. Brain juice boiled on the tar beneath his feet. “Fine.”
"Mm." Lynn hopped up onto the trunk of their car. “I sure hope so. I hate to be blunt, but this ain’t gonna be the last motorcyclist you see become roadkill.”
“I’m sorry I’m not as happy as all of you,” Dave said, voice low.
“Hey, don’t get snippy!” Lynn said, flicking his shoulder. “I’m not happy. I’m just not gonna let this ruin my day. I let my guard down, and we’re gonna be seeing a lot more roadkill.”
“So, what?” Dave hopped up onto the trunk beside her. “We just let our guard down? Is that it?”
Lynn shrugged. “Eh. Can’t save ‘em all.”
“Can’t—? What the fuck does that mean?” Dave grasped at his chest until he found his badge. “We’re friggin’ cops! Our job is saving people.”
“Davey, please.” Lynn smirked. “You’re a good kid, but you really gotta take a Xanax or something. You spend every day worrying about every poor shmuck that loses their head on this highway, and you’re not gonna last a month.”
He snorted. “Well, I’m sorry for giving a—”
“No.” Lynn put up a hand. “Don't try that on me again.”
“You’re telling me not to care!” Dave shouted. “How the hell am I supposed to do that? Just shut off my brain?”
“I’m saying no such thing.” Amy shook her head. “All I’m saying is that you ain't Superman. If some stupid kid’s speeding down the highway at a hundred miles an hour with no helmet, sometimes it don’t matter what you do; that kid’s gonna die.” She sighed. "There's millions of car accidents every year. You seriously think we can stop every single one? This shit's a routine."
Dave gripped the trunk beneath him, paying no mind to the heat of the sun-baked metal. Lynn's words rang through his mind, and for a moment he could see the whole of that highway, except there were no cars, only wrecks. Trucks smashing into minivans smashing into buses. Limp carcasses thrown across pavement. He imagined the parents sitting at home, a son, a daughter, a chunk of their life snatched away in broad daylight. And the hundreds of cars bottlenecking by—would they care? Who cares for the roadkill?
He felt the bile rising. "So what do I do?"
Lynn patted him on the back. "You do your best."
Dave watched as the paramedics hefted the kid's body into their ambulance. The world kept driving by.
“Jesus,” Dave said, wiping the tears from his eyes. His legs shuddered. “Christ, Christ. Sorry.”
“Not a problem.” Lynn’s meaty hand felt like a paddle clapping against his back. “Better out than in. Just mind the uniform, yeah? Don’t matter if you’re filthy; you’re gonna be wearing that shirt all day.”
Just the thought of sitting in that ninety degree heat all day was enough to make Dave nauseous again. He wiped his lips with a napkin and followed Lynn back to the scene.
Yet, it took only one glance at the ambulance parked in the breakdown lane for his knees to quiver again.
He couldn’t understand why they were still here. What could a paramedic do for a guy whose brain lay splattered across a highway?
But still the paramedics stood there, looming over the ghost-white sheet. The two of them, they were—they were smiling. Laughing. Joking around with the investigators while some kid’s corpse rotted beneath them.
Some kid. He couldn’t have been more than nineteen. Where was Dave at nineteen? At home playing Goldeneye with his sister. But this kid didn’t have a head anymore. How could you play Goldeneye without a head? Did this kid have a sister? How loud would she scream when she found out about this?
“Davey?” asked Lynn, waving a hand in front of his face. “You in there, hun?”
He didn’t know. Watching the paramedics laugh, Dave felt for a moment like his own brain had been taken out, leaving his head an empty shell.
“I’m fine,” Dave said. Brain juice boiled on the tar beneath his feet. “Fine.”
"Mm." Lynn hopped up onto the trunk of their car. “I sure hope so. I hate to be blunt, but this ain’t gonna be the last motorcyclist you see become roadkill.”
“I’m sorry I’m not as happy as all of you,” Dave said, voice low.
“Hey, don’t get snippy!” Lynn said, flicking his shoulder. “I’m not happy. I’m just not gonna let this ruin my day. I let my guard down, and we’re gonna be seeing a lot more roadkill.”
“So, what?” Dave hopped up onto the trunk beside her. “We just let our guard down? Is that it?”
Lynn shrugged. “Eh. Can’t save ‘em all.”
“Can’t—? What the fuck does that mean?” Dave grasped at his chest until he found his badge. “We’re friggin’ cops! Our job is saving people.”
“Davey, please.” Lynn smirked. “You’re a good kid, but you really gotta take a Xanax or something. You spend every day worrying about every poor shmuck that loses their head on this highway, and you’re not gonna last a month.”
He snorted. “Well, I’m sorry for giving a—”
“No.” Lynn put up a hand. “Don't try that on me again.”
“You’re telling me not to care!” Dave shouted. “How the hell am I supposed to do that? Just shut off my brain?”
“I’m saying no such thing.” Amy shook her head. “All I’m saying is that you ain't Superman. If some stupid kid’s speeding down the highway at a hundred miles an hour with no helmet, sometimes it don’t matter what you do; that kid’s gonna die.” She sighed. "There's millions of car accidents every year. You seriously think we can stop every single one? This shit's a routine."
Dave gripped the trunk beneath him, paying no mind to the heat of the sun-baked metal. Lynn's words rang through his mind, and for a moment he could see the whole of that highway, except there were no cars, only wrecks. Trucks smashing into minivans smashing into buses. Limp carcasses thrown across pavement. He imagined the parents sitting at home, a son, a daughter, a chunk of their life snatched away in broad daylight. And the hundreds of cars bottlenecking by—would they care? Who cares for the roadkill?
He felt the bile rising. "So what do I do?"
Lynn patted him on the back. "You do your best."
Dave watched as the paramedics hefted the kid's body into their ambulance. The world kept driving by.
Vivid descriptions, and the dialog flowed naturally. The subject matter was weighty, but handled intelligently. Length felt right.
The ending was complicated. Nothing really changed, except for maybe Dave's perspective. Still, it was poignant and reflective for the reader.
Overall, this was a strong entry; I'm not sure what I would change to improve it.
The ending was complicated. Nothing really changed, except for maybe Dave's perspective. Still, it was poignant and reflective for the reader.
Overall, this was a strong entry; I'm not sure what I would change to improve it.
It's very hard for me to buy into Dave's degree of naivete. Police don't prevent traffic accidents, unless they're traffic cops, and in that case they do so in a very indirect manner that seems more like they're harassing people than protecting. The nausea makes perfect sense, but it doesn't make any sense that he feels responsible for the accident. People don't become cops to prevent traffic accidents, they become advocates.
Dave and the other cop play no role in the story when they should be working. They should be assisting with covering up and blocking the area so other motorists don't have to see the wreck. Instead, they just sit and watch. Some of this is okay because Dave is sick, but there should be something for them to do, and the other cop should assist Dave more.
I could buy Dave being nauseous and having a hard time coming to grips with the scene, but you need to establish Dave as a rookie cop with more foreshadowing or descriptions. It could be something as simple and cliche as his partner mentioning it being his first day on the force. His partner seems unusually callous, which I know is the point, but it's a little much. After vomiting in hot weather, Dave needs immediate assistance (hydration) or he'll die from heat stroke. The paramedics would have offered to help him. I can see them joking, but it would be better to show us the dialogue than leave it to our imaginations, because they also come off as being more callous than realistic (even though I do buy that part of it). The paramedics should also be working to cover the carnage.
In general, I think you should tone things down and strive for more subtlety. Just for an odd example, the word "boiled" is much too severe of an exaggeration. I understand the narrative voice is through Dave's lens, but he isn't watching something bubble and boil on the asphalt at that temperature.
Dave and the other cop play no role in the story when they should be working. They should be assisting with covering up and blocking the area so other motorists don't have to see the wreck. Instead, they just sit and watch. Some of this is okay because Dave is sick, but there should be something for them to do, and the other cop should assist Dave more.
I could buy Dave being nauseous and having a hard time coming to grips with the scene, but you need to establish Dave as a rookie cop with more foreshadowing or descriptions. It could be something as simple and cliche as his partner mentioning it being his first day on the force. His partner seems unusually callous, which I know is the point, but it's a little much. After vomiting in hot weather, Dave needs immediate assistance (hydration) or he'll die from heat stroke. The paramedics would have offered to help him. I can see them joking, but it would be better to show us the dialogue than leave it to our imaginations, because they also come off as being more callous than realistic (even though I do buy that part of it). The paramedics should also be working to cover the carnage.
In general, I think you should tone things down and strive for more subtlety. Just for an odd example, the word "boiled" is much too severe of an exaggeration. I understand the narrative voice is through Dave's lens, but he isn't watching something bubble and boil on the asphalt at that temperature.
I don't think I've much to add to what've been said by the former reviewers. On the one hand, it's a good, crude, vivid description of an everyday's reality. The story flows well and reads without effort, and the ?numbness? of the senior officer acts as a foil to the naïveté of the younger one. The two play reasonably well off of each other, though the role of the senior officer is limited to somewhat clichéd advice.
I agree that Dave is a bit naive, even for a rookie. It seems like you really want to hammer something into our minds through Dave's reactions. What is the subtext here? Cops and medics are callous? Out-of-touch? Well, as you say, there's no other way.
So it's more a raw scene than a story, which is not a problem per se, but I'm left wondering what the takeaway is.
I agree that Dave is a bit naive, even for a rookie. It seems like you really want to hammer something into our minds through Dave's reactions. What is the subtext here? Cops and medics are callous? Out-of-touch? Well, as you say, there's no other way.
So it's more a raw scene than a story, which is not a problem per se, but I'm left wondering what the takeaway is.
You can only help those who let you.
I feel like Dave's reactions at the beginning were a bit over-the-top; is he really that green? Why? Some signals on that would be nice.
Otherwise, this was well done; deft prose, for the most part, with intelligent meaning and excellent pacing.
Good work, but... a stronger hook would improve this immensely, and 'mushy mesh' threw me for a moment. All in all, I'd say your biggest weakness is your opening.
I feel like Dave's reactions at the beginning were a bit over-the-top; is he really that green? Why? Some signals on that would be nice.
Otherwise, this was well done; deft prose, for the most part, with intelligent meaning and excellent pacing.
Good work, but... a stronger hook would improve this immensely, and 'mushy mesh' threw me for a moment. All in all, I'd say your biggest weakness is your opening.
I don't have much to say about this. I think it's fairly believable, but there's not really a whole lot to it. Not much actually happened, and I didn't have much of an emotional response. But at the same time, I'm not sure there's much you could do to actually make it better. So on the whole, I still think it's pretty good.
Oooh.. .Dark. But realistic and true.
I had a family friend who was in homicide in NY for a while. Find a corpse that's been sitting in the bathtub for two weeks before anybody noticed? Shrug and make a joke and go about your business. You either learn to cope and laugh at it, or you go crazy.
Anyway, I thought it was a pretty good story. Though you lose a fraction of a point for starting the story with a vivid description of someone throwing up.. .Sorry, but that's not really not much of a hook for me! ;>
I had a family friend who was in homicide in NY for a while. Find a corpse that's been sitting in the bathtub for two weeks before anybody noticed? Shrug and make a joke and go about your business. You either learn to cope and laugh at it, or you go crazy.
Anyway, I thought it was a pretty good story. Though you lose a fraction of a point for starting the story with a vivid description of someone throwing up.. .Sorry, but that's not really not much of a hook for me! ;>
>>Trick_Question
I would argue that it becomes obvious from the context. A little more exposition of the character might not hurt in either case, but personally I don't have an issue with it as it is.
Also, I can understand why he insists on his, as has been criticized, naive claims - it seems to be the first accident he witnesses, and since he is obviously shocked it makes sense that he's not thinking rationally. He is characterized as thin-skinned from the beginning because of the vomiting, and especially the medics cracking jokes made his reaction believable to me.
The weak point, I agree with most of what I read in the other reviews, is the ending, which simply doesn't indicate any progression.
But I still think it's a compelling story overall. The narrative is definitely strong.
>>georg
Can you point out examples for that? I'm just asking because can't seem to find any.
you need to establish Dave as a rookie cop with more foreshadowing or descriptions
I would argue that it becomes obvious from the context. A little more exposition of the character might not hurt in either case, but personally I don't have an issue with it as it is.
Also, I can understand why he insists on his, as has been criticized, naive claims - it seems to be the first accident he witnesses, and since he is obviously shocked it makes sense that he's not thinking rationally. He is characterized as thin-skinned from the beginning because of the vomiting, and especially the medics cracking jokes made his reaction believable to me.
The weak point, I agree with most of what I read in the other reviews, is the ending, which simply doesn't indicate any progression.
But I still think it's a compelling story overall. The narrative is definitely strong.
>>georg
quite a bit of passive voice
Can you point out examples for that? I'm just asking because can't seem to find any.
I want to say this is more scene than story, but it does have an arc: Dave's confrontation of the dead body and wrestling with Lynn's questions. It doesn't give him an in-character resolution on that, but the zoom outward at the ending, with the world not caring, closes the arc for the readers by making a statement on the question you brought up.
>>Trick_Question has some useful suggestions to consider, but regardless, this is another story that's firing on all cylinders for me. All-around strongly executed, and nicely done.
It's interesting contrasting my reaction to this with my reaction to Six Candles, because there I had the same reaction Trick apparently did here — getting hit by a lot of details that didn't add up and finding that breaking my immersion. I think to me the difference is that, while Dave's naivete and the other characters' actions may not be realistic, the scenario nevertheless felt real to me — "a rookie cop vomiting upon seeing their first body and struggling with the reality check of their responsibility vs. power" rings true and the other details discussed in this thread are trappings of that. While in Six Candles, the scenario itself is where the logic failed for me, and if I can't buy the story's central premise then the verisimilitude around the edges isn't gonna help that.
Tier: Top Contender
>>Trick_Question has some useful suggestions to consider, but regardless, this is another story that's firing on all cylinders for me. All-around strongly executed, and nicely done.
It's interesting contrasting my reaction to this with my reaction to Six Candles, because there I had the same reaction Trick apparently did here — getting hit by a lot of details that didn't add up and finding that breaking my immersion. I think to me the difference is that, while Dave's naivete and the other characters' actions may not be realistic, the scenario nevertheless felt real to me — "a rookie cop vomiting upon seeing their first body and struggling with the reality check of their responsibility vs. power" rings true and the other details discussed in this thread are trappings of that. While in Six Candles, the scenario itself is where the logic failed for me, and if I can't buy the story's central premise then the verisimilitude around the edges isn't gonna help that.
Tier: Top Contender
>>horizon
Normally we're on the same level in terms of story judgments, but this time I think we have diametrically-rated slates. :V
Normally we're on the same level in terms of story judgments, but this time I think we have diametrically-rated slates. :V