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Broken, but Not Gone
Far into the sea of existence, there is a world, once much like our own.
A shining jewel, blue and white and teeming with life, it once played host to a grand civilization. Now, however, it is ruin that dominates.
Shattered cities dot the landscape, punctuated by the shells of once proud, mighty towers. Joining them, decayed roads crisscross the land, their paved surfaces, once thought invincible, now riddled with cracks and holes, slowly wearing away. Far above it all, ancient and battered machines orbit, their masters long dead.
The night, once banished by countless lights, has returned full force, lit only by the planet’s lone moon or the arcane glow of leylight.
It is this leylight that one would notice first, from afar. Great bands of energy, strewn across the surfaces of both worlds, glowing a soft electric blue.
They were not always there.
Where once calls and song filled the air, silence now reigns.
One would, in light of devastation around them, be forgiven for believing the silence to be unnatural. They would not be wrong.
A great death cleansed this world, not too long ago. Any traveler to set foot here would find themselves hard pressed to avoid the results. Bones, large and small, blanket the ground; some still wear clothing, the synthetic fibers tattered and fraying, succumbing ever so slowly to the elements.
Here and there a flash of movement can be glimpsed, if one is observant, but this is a dead place. Wilderness, but far from wild.
The vegetation has fared better, but not by much. Twisted and mutated, trees and grasses now rule, covering the world in a patchwork of forest and plain, broken here and there by desert, tundra, and mountains.
But life adapts.
Among the diseased remnants of the past, new species can, from time to time, be found. Lifeforms like this world has never before seen appear with greater and greater and greater frequency.
Most die out, some slowly over decades, some before they have a chance to grow. But, rarely, one or two will find their place in this new ecosystem, and thrive
Some greatly resemble their predecessors. Some would have been impossible outright, a scant few centuries ago.
Life, as always, adapts.
One might believe, in light of the devastation around them, that people who of this once grand civilization are long gone, taken by the disaster that had taken so many others.
In this case, they would be wrong.
There is a fundamental truth to the world. One demonstrated every day by the continued persistence of the people of Normerc. By their art.
Their culture and science. Every gleaming citadel they build.
Even by their petty squabbles.
It is that even the gravest of wounds, given time, will heal.
And life goes on.
A shining jewel, blue and white and teeming with life, it once played host to a grand civilization. Now, however, it is ruin that dominates.
Shattered cities dot the landscape, punctuated by the shells of once proud, mighty towers. Joining them, decayed roads crisscross the land, their paved surfaces, once thought invincible, now riddled with cracks and holes, slowly wearing away. Far above it all, ancient and battered machines orbit, their masters long dead.
The night, once banished by countless lights, has returned full force, lit only by the planet’s lone moon or the arcane glow of leylight.
It is this leylight that one would notice first, from afar. Great bands of energy, strewn across the surfaces of both worlds, glowing a soft electric blue.
They were not always there.
Where once calls and song filled the air, silence now reigns.
One would, in light of devastation around them, be forgiven for believing the silence to be unnatural. They would not be wrong.
A great death cleansed this world, not too long ago. Any traveler to set foot here would find themselves hard pressed to avoid the results. Bones, large and small, blanket the ground; some still wear clothing, the synthetic fibers tattered and fraying, succumbing ever so slowly to the elements.
Here and there a flash of movement can be glimpsed, if one is observant, but this is a dead place. Wilderness, but far from wild.
The vegetation has fared better, but not by much. Twisted and mutated, trees and grasses now rule, covering the world in a patchwork of forest and plain, broken here and there by desert, tundra, and mountains.
But life adapts.
Among the diseased remnants of the past, new species can, from time to time, be found. Lifeforms like this world has never before seen appear with greater and greater and greater frequency.
Most die out, some slowly over decades, some before they have a chance to grow. But, rarely, one or two will find their place in this new ecosystem, and thrive
Some greatly resemble their predecessors. Some would have been impossible outright, a scant few centuries ago.
Life, as always, adapts.
One might believe, in light of the devastation around them, that people who of this once grand civilization are long gone, taken by the disaster that had taken so many others.
In this case, they would be wrong.
There is a fundamental truth to the world. One demonstrated every day by the continued persistence of the people of Normerc. By their art.
Their culture and science. Every gleaming citadel they build.
Even by their petty squabbles.
It is that even the gravest of wounds, given time, will heal.
And life goes on.
I'm not really sure what to make of this one. Is it supposed to be one of those "Lost Cities"-style stories that people around here seem to like so much?
Anyway, your descriptions are nice, but that's really all there is to this story. I don't find anything else about it particularly compelling. It's not a bad story. Just a solid "meh."
Anyway, your descriptions are nice, but that's really all there is to this story. I don't find anything else about it particularly compelling. It's not a bad story. Just a solid "meh."
“Next on the Discovery Channel.”
Here we have what we call a writing pony. Notice how his limbs are busy tapping away at the specially designed keyboard. Ah yes! One of nature’s unanswered riddles, busy within it’s own course of life.
The simple minded creature is so built up on his own task that he has not noticed me yet. Given time he will mature into a beautiful stallion or be taken apart by yet another beast. He may even write a book or two.
Though this particular pony isn’t what he seems. He is indeed a male. He is also gay.
Seems the savage thing has noticed my presence. By whatever means could he present as a means of defense?
The pony specimen seems to understand part of the english language and has denied my claim to his sexuallity. He has also given an excuse that he is something of an “open minded” individual. Silly pony. He would never come to understand human life.
Now it seems the homosexual pony has gotten into some sort of a frenzy. The obvious question is if this animal would find the instinct to fight or run? We shall see.
OOP! Dodged that one. He has seemed to have chosen the fight option and has thrown his computer while shouting vulgar language. It is indeed an impressive display of whimsical proportions!
My WORD! This pony is actually quite savage. It has just thrown a chair and has flipped over his desk to charge at me!
Someone get the warden! This pony has rabies!
I-AH!
GAH!-
“Get that buckin camera out of my HOUSE! I don’t know who you people are and why you think I’m some kind of animal?!” And with those final words the view goes dark and shatters as a white flat surface meets the cameraman’s equipment.
The Discovery of the White Writing Pony
-By Remedy Fortuitous Heart
POSITIVES
-Intro
You did a great job on the introduction. Which exclusively grabbed my attention almost completely and had me diving right into a whole new world! Literally telling the state of a current planet that is separate from our own. It goes further into this and calls out individual elements that make the planet. Down from the wildlife and vegetation to the life forms which would have the dominant species on the alien planet. Now my only problem is that. This story of yours. Feels just like an intro. A very good one, but only seems to offer an intro. There is no ending. No conflict. No character development. Nothing to follow and just leaves me lost on a desolate planet. I believe you could have played with this at least a bit more. Give us something follow. From the last of its kind. IE the alien life form or a small critter trying to survive. Or you could be creative and show the journey of a leaf flying through the air that witnesses several scenes. You gave me a wonderful world. But left me stranded on it with nothing to make the journey with.
-Concept
The initial part of this story that caught my eye was that it fit with the prompt of the contest heavily with one of the most basic and wisest things about life in general. That it continues to go on throughout the course of time. No matter how dire it becomes for nature itself. For as long as something lives, it;ll grow in abundance if given the chances. It fit the prompt to a grand scale that I thought was magnificent. Now problem is that you didn’t really sell it to me. You told me a textbook style of an explanation that shared this information with me. With the story feeling only like an introduction for something to come with nothing behind it, It leaves a really dry taste in your mouth. You could have added so much more to support it, but ended up ending it with a simple phrase that was basically highlighted for five minutes and then repeated bluntly back at me like I had gotten off track with something else. That’s not the case. The story is so short that the thought never leaves your head, so that ending line just kinda feels strange.
NEGATIVES
-Material
There was nothing wrong with choosing such a broad idea to work with. In fact I was surprised that there wasn’t much to read with such an idea and take on a story. If you plan on making more of this style think of this. You need to hold my hand and give me a tour of this world. Inform me about it’s demise and share with me the wonders of how life is slowly trickling back into the land. Attempt to make me touch each and every thing that either died or is surviving. When you instead show me a chart and just tell me about such a thing. I will end up uninterested. Keep that in mind as I think your writing is superb! But the issue here is I couldn’t connect with you on any level if I wanted to. Writing and reading is a type of relationship that should be considered somewhat like a visit. You need to entertain and please your guests. Maybe show them around the house and share with them your personal belongings. I wanna get to know you and your mind. Not the dictionary or thesaurus on your selves.
-Connection
The whole piece was immersive to begin with. Which would have made a good lure for the hook of the story. What we got here was almost like a piece of advice type of deal that told us a life lesson rather than a tale that could have been entertaining. The documentation type of deal here is very good indeed, but loses it’s interest quickly due to it being a “sci-fi” documentary and with it being so short. The fictional aspect of this whole world and nature play on things ends just degrading what could play better as a natural documentation entry about our world. This would have been able to add some type of connection to the piece and made it more appealing. Instead we’re left with science fictional elements that almost make me think I’m being lied to, with it being just that the contents are fictional.
Whoo-hoo! Another short story. Hm. Wonder if this prompt was a hard one to write about? Could be. My second review currently and it might become a trending thing to see such stories with a complex prompt idea. The read of this story just hit me the right way from the start, yet didn’t pack any force behind it in the end. The introduction was very entertaining and made way for a cool scene start. The idea here and lesson behind it was very well thought out and I doubt anyone would have thought of this. Making it very unique indeed. I just wished there was a story behind. Something that would have made exploring this awesome planet enjoyable. From what I got is something like a picture album in my head for this story rather than characters acting out a movie. Which is fine of course, but it came up short. With me. Again like my last review. This story gets four traits with it being of short length and not giving me much to look over.
Here we have what we call a writing pony. Notice how his limbs are busy tapping away at the specially designed keyboard. Ah yes! One of nature’s unanswered riddles, busy within it’s own course of life.
The simple minded creature is so built up on his own task that he has not noticed me yet. Given time he will mature into a beautiful stallion or be taken apart by yet another beast. He may even write a book or two.
Though this particular pony isn’t what he seems. He is indeed a male. He is also gay.
Seems the savage thing has noticed my presence. By whatever means could he present as a means of defense?
The pony specimen seems to understand part of the english language and has denied my claim to his sexuallity. He has also given an excuse that he is something of an “open minded” individual. Silly pony. He would never come to understand human life.
Now it seems the homosexual pony has gotten into some sort of a frenzy. The obvious question is if this animal would find the instinct to fight or run? We shall see.
OOP! Dodged that one. He has seemed to have chosen the fight option and has thrown his computer while shouting vulgar language. It is indeed an impressive display of whimsical proportions!
My WORD! This pony is actually quite savage. It has just thrown a chair and has flipped over his desk to charge at me!
Someone get the warden! This pony has rabies!
I-AH!
GAH!-
“Get that buckin camera out of my HOUSE! I don’t know who you people are and why you think I’m some kind of animal?!” And with those final words the view goes dark and shatters as a white flat surface meets the cameraman’s equipment.
The Discovery of the White Writing Pony
-By Remedy Fortuitous Heart
POSITIVES
-Intro
You did a great job on the introduction. Which exclusively grabbed my attention almost completely and had me diving right into a whole new world! Literally telling the state of a current planet that is separate from our own. It goes further into this and calls out individual elements that make the planet. Down from the wildlife and vegetation to the life forms which would have the dominant species on the alien planet. Now my only problem is that. This story of yours. Feels just like an intro. A very good one, but only seems to offer an intro. There is no ending. No conflict. No character development. Nothing to follow and just leaves me lost on a desolate planet. I believe you could have played with this at least a bit more. Give us something follow. From the last of its kind. IE the alien life form or a small critter trying to survive. Or you could be creative and show the journey of a leaf flying through the air that witnesses several scenes. You gave me a wonderful world. But left me stranded on it with nothing to make the journey with.
-Concept
The initial part of this story that caught my eye was that it fit with the prompt of the contest heavily with one of the most basic and wisest things about life in general. That it continues to go on throughout the course of time. No matter how dire it becomes for nature itself. For as long as something lives, it;ll grow in abundance if given the chances. It fit the prompt to a grand scale that I thought was magnificent. Now problem is that you didn’t really sell it to me. You told me a textbook style of an explanation that shared this information with me. With the story feeling only like an introduction for something to come with nothing behind it, It leaves a really dry taste in your mouth. You could have added so much more to support it, but ended up ending it with a simple phrase that was basically highlighted for five minutes and then repeated bluntly back at me like I had gotten off track with something else. That’s not the case. The story is so short that the thought never leaves your head, so that ending line just kinda feels strange.
NEGATIVES
-Material
There was nothing wrong with choosing such a broad idea to work with. In fact I was surprised that there wasn’t much to read with such an idea and take on a story. If you plan on making more of this style think of this. You need to hold my hand and give me a tour of this world. Inform me about it’s demise and share with me the wonders of how life is slowly trickling back into the land. Attempt to make me touch each and every thing that either died or is surviving. When you instead show me a chart and just tell me about such a thing. I will end up uninterested. Keep that in mind as I think your writing is superb! But the issue here is I couldn’t connect with you on any level if I wanted to. Writing and reading is a type of relationship that should be considered somewhat like a visit. You need to entertain and please your guests. Maybe show them around the house and share with them your personal belongings. I wanna get to know you and your mind. Not the dictionary or thesaurus on your selves.
-Connection
The whole piece was immersive to begin with. Which would have made a good lure for the hook of the story. What we got here was almost like a piece of advice type of deal that told us a life lesson rather than a tale that could have been entertaining. The documentation type of deal here is very good indeed, but loses it’s interest quickly due to it being a “sci-fi” documentary and with it being so short. The fictional aspect of this whole world and nature play on things ends just degrading what could play better as a natural documentation entry about our world. This would have been able to add some type of connection to the piece and made it more appealing. Instead we’re left with science fictional elements that almost make me think I’m being lied to, with it being just that the contents are fictional.
Whoo-hoo! Another short story. Hm. Wonder if this prompt was a hard one to write about? Could be. My second review currently and it might become a trending thing to see such stories with a complex prompt idea. The read of this story just hit me the right way from the start, yet didn’t pack any force behind it in the end. The introduction was very entertaining and made way for a cool scene start. The idea here and lesson behind it was very well thought out and I doubt anyone would have thought of this. Making it very unique indeed. I just wished there was a story behind. Something that would have made exploring this awesome planet enjoyable. From what I got is something like a picture album in my head for this story rather than characters acting out a movie. Which is fine of course, but it came up short. With me. Again like my last review. This story gets four traits with it being of short length and not giving me much to look over.
Lost cities style, this was nicely evocative, with good descriptions. I think the key to lost cities style narratives is to tie the pieces of description together to tell a larger story.
It seems like you partly did that here, but the story was very simple (there was an advanced civilization. It fell. There is still life around.). In other parts, the bits you tell wind up disconnected and never go anywhere. An example of this is these glowing bands of energy. They're introduced, sound cool, but then I don't see why (if) they matter. While a certain amount of that is to be expected, I would at least like them to be tied together and explained a little.
In the end, while the descriptions were pretty, I wasn't able to unearth a deeper story, so it ended up kind of empty.
It seems like you partly did that here, but the story was very simple (there was an advanced civilization. It fell. There is still life around.). In other parts, the bits you tell wind up disconnected and never go anywhere. An example of this is these glowing bands of energy. They're introduced, sound cool, but then I don't see why (if) they matter. While a certain amount of that is to be expected, I would at least like them to be tied together and explained a little.
In the end, while the descriptions were pretty, I wasn't able to unearth a deeper story, so it ended up kind of empty.
I can't help but think that this is poetry masquerading as prose. There's a lot of imagery and a lot of big, sweeping ideas and emotions without much in the way of plot. I realize that this is the point of the piece, but I'm not sure it really worked for me.
Without characters to feel emotionally attached to, this ends up feeling more like a thought experiment than an actual story. To bring things back to my comparison of this piece to poetry, I'd say that this piece didn't really make use of the strengths of prose, which is to convey concrete concepts and situations. It's very poetic in its scale and reach, but it doesn't have the advantages of poetry (rhyme, meter, density of meaning) that tend to convey a lot of the emotional impact.
I'm not saying that it's impossible write something beautiful and subtly meaningful with prose. But it is certainly difficult. Everyone seems to be mentioning CiG's Lost Cities, and I think there is something to learn from there. A lot of what makes Lost Cities compelling is how real it feels--CiG takes full advantage of the strengths of prose to craft richly detailed scenarios and settings. He walks us through building and monuments and delves into backstories and histories. Much of it feels poetic in meaning, but above all it stays concrete with vivid, specific descriptions.
To improve this piece, I would suggest really fleshing it out, far beyond minific constraints. Instead of describing life and civilizations in broad, vague strokes, give us something to sink our teeth into and think about. Try to avoid being overly conceptual; make it feel real.
Without characters to feel emotionally attached to, this ends up feeling more like a thought experiment than an actual story. To bring things back to my comparison of this piece to poetry, I'd say that this piece didn't really make use of the strengths of prose, which is to convey concrete concepts and situations. It's very poetic in its scale and reach, but it doesn't have the advantages of poetry (rhyme, meter, density of meaning) that tend to convey a lot of the emotional impact.
I'm not saying that it's impossible write something beautiful and subtly meaningful with prose. But it is certainly difficult. Everyone seems to be mentioning CiG's Lost Cities, and I think there is something to learn from there. A lot of what makes Lost Cities compelling is how real it feels--CiG takes full advantage of the strengths of prose to craft richly detailed scenarios and settings. He walks us through building and monuments and delves into backstories and histories. Much of it feels poetic in meaning, but above all it stays concrete with vivid, specific descriptions.
To improve this piece, I would suggest really fleshing it out, far beyond minific constraints. Instead of describing life and civilizations in broad, vague strokes, give us something to sink our teeth into and think about. Try to avoid being overly conceptual; make it feel real.
