Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
Waiting: The Simple Solution to All Problems
Hey you! Yes you! Do you have personal problems that you feel the need to fix by doing something? Are you bogged down by trying to grow yourself as a person and become a better human being? Do you find it strenuous to engage in even the most basic of activities that force you address your personal shortcomings? Well, now you won’t have to! My new book, Waiting: The Simple Solution to All Problems details how all your problems will resolve themselves if you just wait.
You may be asking yourself, dear reader, “Surely, not all problems can be fixed by waiting a really long time. Eventually I must take some responsibility.” And you, my dear ignorant reader, would be completely and utterly wrong. My advanced Wait Until It Fixes Itself©™ technique will fix your problems for you without fail.
Just check how my award-winning (citation needed) techniques can help you!
Spousal Arguments:
Be sure to avoid broaching the subject of the argument for several days and the issue should resolve itself. Be sure to avoid committing to a deeper conversation about personal faults. Estimated Wait Time Before Problem Solves Itself (EWTBPSFI Rating): a week. An easy wait.
Youtuber or Artist You’re Following Hasn’t Updated Yet:
Unfortunately, no matter how many death threats you send your favorite artist or Youtuber, it will not hasten their disappointingly glacial progress. I’m not going to lie dear, reader, you are in dire straits when in this situation, but the Wait Until It Fixes Itself©™ technique never fails. EWTBPSFI Rating: a month, a year, several years, depending on how much of a lazy hack the guy is.
Wife Staying with The In-Laws:
Now you may be tempted to apologize for whatever behavior caused your wife to leave in the first place, but I urge you to remain steadfast in your commitment to being right. Your wife will respect you more for your convictions than your ability to apologize. Eventually your wife will get tired of staying with her mom and come back to you. EWTBPSFI Rating: two weeks. Not difficult if you’re prepared for it with my patented technique.
Car Crash Due to Excess Alcohol Consumption and Chronic Depression:
What doesn’t kill you make you stronger! Just lie in the hospital bed until you’re all better. You don’t need a damn therapist—you are fine. Everyone else is the one with the problem. EWTBPSFI Rating: a couple weeks. Don't stress out.
Wife Cheating on You:
Don’t get angry. You are a cold, emotionless waiting robot. You are strong, and you will wait this out. Your wife loves you and will soon realize the error of her ways without you having to confront her. EWTBPSFI Rating: a couple months with no sex. Requires advanced utilization of the technique.
Can’t Find Work:
The market economy will find a place for you! Don’t worry about the small stuff, like how you’re going to feed you children or the pay the rent. Remember, you have a wife who loves and supports you, and she will be able to pick up the slack. EWTBPSFI Rating: a couple months.
Divorce:
Now part of you may be screaming to go down the street corner and yell at that slut in front of both your kids and create a big scene for the entire neighborhood to see, but that’s not what this book is about, so you definitely won’t do that. I’m just saying it would be very understandable if you did that sort of thing. I mean, you gave that women ten years of your life after all. You’ll patiently wait, because you know that worthless bag of dirt is nothing without you and no way in hell is she getting half your things. She’ll eventually come back after realizing how good you treated her by utilizing this book’s technique. She just needs time to realize it. EWTBPSFI Rating: a year or two. You’re playing the long wait game here, and if you’ve mastered the techniques of this book, she’ll come running back into your loving arms soon enough.
As you can clearly see, the Wait Until It Fixes Itself©™ can applied to just about anything and solves everything without fail. With my book, you’ll go from a sad, alcoholic, depressed, and single man who can’t see his kids to a well-adjusted and happy man who can live his dreams of being a writer. So don’t wait! Buy today and keep your life on track!
You may be asking yourself, dear reader, “Surely, not all problems can be fixed by waiting a really long time. Eventually I must take some responsibility.” And you, my dear ignorant reader, would be completely and utterly wrong. My advanced Wait Until It Fixes Itself©™ technique will fix your problems for you without fail.
Just check how my award-winning (citation needed) techniques can help you!
Spousal Arguments:
Be sure to avoid broaching the subject of the argument for several days and the issue should resolve itself. Be sure to avoid committing to a deeper conversation about personal faults. Estimated Wait Time Before Problem Solves Itself (EWTBPSFI Rating): a week. An easy wait.
Youtuber or Artist You’re Following Hasn’t Updated Yet:
Unfortunately, no matter how many death threats you send your favorite artist or Youtuber, it will not hasten their disappointingly glacial progress. I’m not going to lie dear, reader, you are in dire straits when in this situation, but the Wait Until It Fixes Itself©™ technique never fails. EWTBPSFI Rating: a month, a year, several years, depending on how much of a lazy hack the guy is.
Wife Staying with The In-Laws:
Now you may be tempted to apologize for whatever behavior caused your wife to leave in the first place, but I urge you to remain steadfast in your commitment to being right. Your wife will respect you more for your convictions than your ability to apologize. Eventually your wife will get tired of staying with her mom and come back to you. EWTBPSFI Rating: two weeks. Not difficult if you’re prepared for it with my patented technique.
Car Crash Due to Excess Alcohol Consumption and Chronic Depression:
What doesn’t kill you make you stronger! Just lie in the hospital bed until you’re all better. You don’t need a damn therapist—you are fine. Everyone else is the one with the problem. EWTBPSFI Rating: a couple weeks. Don't stress out.
Wife Cheating on You:
Don’t get angry. You are a cold, emotionless waiting robot. You are strong, and you will wait this out. Your wife loves you and will soon realize the error of her ways without you having to confront her. EWTBPSFI Rating: a couple months with no sex. Requires advanced utilization of the technique.
Can’t Find Work:
The market economy will find a place for you! Don’t worry about the small stuff, like how you’re going to feed you children or the pay the rent. Remember, you have a wife who loves and supports you, and she will be able to pick up the slack. EWTBPSFI Rating: a couple months.
Divorce:
Now part of you may be screaming to go down the street corner and yell at that slut in front of both your kids and create a big scene for the entire neighborhood to see, but that’s not what this book is about, so you definitely won’t do that. I’m just saying it would be very understandable if you did that sort of thing. I mean, you gave that women ten years of your life after all. You’ll patiently wait, because you know that worthless bag of dirt is nothing without you and no way in hell is she getting half your things. She’ll eventually come back after realizing how good you treated her by utilizing this book’s technique. She just needs time to realize it. EWTBPSFI Rating: a year or two. You’re playing the long wait game here, and if you’ve mastered the techniques of this book, she’ll come running back into your loving arms soon enough.
As you can clearly see, the Wait Until It Fixes Itself©™ can applied to just about anything and solves everything without fail. With my book, you’ll go from a sad, alcoholic, depressed, and single man who can’t see his kids to a well-adjusted and happy man who can live his dreams of being a writer. So don’t wait! Buy today and keep your life on track!
I enjoyed this one. Thank you. :>
I like the slow progression from a (funny) bogus sales pitch to becoming personal. It is a bit overplayed, but I love the concept and the execution is great.
Minor note: What's the F for in EWTBPSFI? Also, when the acronym is first introduced, it's [Estimated Wait Time Before Problem Solves Itself (EWTBPSFI Rating)] when it probably should be [Estimated Wait Time Before Problem Solves Itself (EWTBPSFI) Rating]. They're minor notes but they did trip me up.
I like the slow progression from a (funny) bogus sales pitch to becoming personal. It is a bit overplayed, but I love the concept and the execution is great.
Minor note: What's the F for in EWTBPSFI? Also, when the acronym is first introduced, it's [Estimated Wait Time Before Problem Solves Itself (EWTBPSFI Rating)] when it probably should be [Estimated Wait Time Before Problem Solves Itself (EWTBPSFI) Rating]. They're minor notes but they did trip me up.
I'm not sure whether I want to call this a "story," as it does not fit the common definitions I know - there is no incidents or events that are being narrated here, no plot. Anyway, the text is either over-the-top sarcastic, or the author has some serious unresolved issues. I will just assume (and do hope) that the former is true.
A sales-pitch-style approach like this is controversial. I would expect readers to either think it's super witty and funny or hate it, and while it wouldn't be fair to say that it's a bad text just because I belong to the latter group, well, I do. Objectively I would say that I think it's too sarcastic, but even that is probably controversial.
The only thing I like personally is the line "So don't wait!" because it really is nice self-irony. Other than that it's just not my cup of tea.
A sales-pitch-style approach like this is controversial. I would expect readers to either think it's super witty and funny or hate it, and while it wouldn't be fair to say that it's a bad text just because I belong to the latter group, well, I do. Objectively I would say that I think it's too sarcastic, but even that is probably controversial.
The only thing I like personally is the line "So don't wait!" because it really is nice self-irony. Other than that it's just not my cup of tea.
>>Leo
I would propose that there is a plot to this one. Because what you hypothesize here:
is what I would argue is the correct interpretation (for the fictional author, not for the actual author of the story).
It's implied by most of the titles of each section. The first two are general, and then the next one is oddly specific, hinting that it's not part of a normal sales pitch. The incidents and events that the narrator lists to prove his points are incidents and events that have happened, and have happened to him. This gets more apparent as the events get more oddly specific from there, with this line as a prime example:
This would suggest that he actually did all of the things he listed. It's not a traditional way to tell plot, certainly, but it's clever in showing his anger and frustration at his current situation. And my point is that there is most certainly a plot, the way I interpret this.
I would propose that there is a plot to this one. Because what you hypothesize here:
the author has some serious unresolved issues
is what I would argue is the correct interpretation (for the fictional author, not for the actual author of the story).
It's implied by most of the titles of each section. The first two are general, and then the next one is oddly specific, hinting that it's not part of a normal sales pitch. The incidents and events that the narrator lists to prove his points are incidents and events that have happened, and have happened to him. This gets more apparent as the events get more oddly specific from there, with this line as a prime example:
Now part of you may be screaming to go down the street corner and yell at that slut in front of both your kids and create a big scene for the entire neighborhood to see, but that’s not what this book is about, so you definitely won’t do that. I’m just saying it would be very understandable if you did that sort of thing.
This would suggest that he actually did all of the things he listed. It's not a traditional way to tell plot, certainly, but it's clever in showing his anger and frustration at his current situation. And my point is that there is most certainly a plot, the way I interpret this.
I'm having mixed feelings about this one.
For one, by reading the first paragraph, I knew that this was something of a sarcastic nature. Sarcasm is not in my taste, but I set my bias aside for it. I will address the voice of the story no further.
Mainly, the message the story is trying to convey (At least what I got) is that waiting for the problem to fix itself is not an option. Very true, but does has some holes. I'm getting on my soapbox here, but I know that waiting doesn't work, along with the rest of the reviewers... The truth for all of us is that you don't get good at writing by waiting for it, you have to sit down and get to work.
...While the opposite is true- waiting in patience for something to come usually is the way to go- such as a package in the mail, or the famous "Stanford Marshmallow" experiment demonstrates.
Sorry, I'm ranting and overthinking things... for the most part, I'm caught between Leo's and FrontSeven's views, if that helps clear up any confusion on why I have mixed feelings
In conclusion, not a bad read, but not one of my favorites either.
For one, by reading the first paragraph, I knew that this was something of a sarcastic nature. Sarcasm is not in my taste, but I set my bias aside for it. I will address the voice of the story no further.
Mainly, the message the story is trying to convey (At least what I got) is that waiting for the problem to fix itself is not an option. Very true, but does has some holes. I'm getting on my soapbox here, but I know that waiting doesn't work, along with the rest of the reviewers... The truth for all of us is that you don't get good at writing by waiting for it, you have to sit down and get to work.
...While the opposite is true- waiting in patience for something to come usually is the way to go- such as a package in the mail, or the famous "Stanford Marshmallow" experiment demonstrates.
Sorry, I'm ranting and overthinking things... for the most part, I'm caught between Leo's and FrontSeven's views, if that helps clear up any confusion on why I have mixed feelings
In conclusion, not a bad read, but not one of my favorites either.
The first paragraph felt like it was crafted specifically for me, so I was invested and smiling right off the bat with this story. As I was reading, it started to feel more and more like an older Saturday Night Live skit/commercial - it had that tone, to the point where I started reading it in Dan Akroyd's voice. This isn't a bad thing, mind - just the impression I got off of it.
I glazed over the acronym upon seeing it, so I didn't catch the extraneous "F" until after >>FrontSevens pointed it out. The fact that an acronym is being used for such a long phrase in the first place is absurd (again, in line with SNL), and I suspect that the F is actually part of the joke (if it's not, Writer, just lie and say that it is, nobody will know ^^).
This kind of advertisement as narrative can be hard to pull off without being heavy-handed, but I think you did well here. I chuckled a few times throughout, especially at "depending on how much of a lazy hack the guy is" and the final paragraph. This comedy was a welcome change of pace from the rest of my slate so far, so thank you, Writer.
I glazed over the acronym upon seeing it, so I didn't catch the extraneous "F" until after >>FrontSevens pointed it out. The fact that an acronym is being used for such a long phrase in the first place is absurd (again, in line with SNL), and I suspect that the F is actually part of the joke (if it's not, Writer, just lie and say that it is, nobody will know ^^).
This kind of advertisement as narrative can be hard to pull off without being heavy-handed, but I think you did well here. I chuckled a few times throughout, especially at "depending on how much of a lazy hack the guy is" and the final paragraph. This comedy was a welcome change of pace from the rest of my slate so far, so thank you, Writer.
I'm going to second >>FrontSevens on this one.
This story is quite funny on the surface, and when you read into it more to see the actual narrative, it just becomes funnier, even though that story is kind of sad.
My biggest complaint is that I feel like the story is trying a bit too hard to be funny at times (the "©™" thing is the most egregious example for me), but it's not enough of a problem for the story to wrap back around to being unfunny, or anything like that.
These sorts of things also usually add a small "normal" example towards the end before returning to the growing ridiculousness. I know that you are practically at the word limit, but adding something like
in there somewhere, possibly after "Wife Cheating on You," might add to the humor.
And thank you for adding some more comedy to this round.
This story is quite funny on the surface, and when you read into it more to see the actual narrative, it just becomes funnier, even though that story is kind of sad.
My biggest complaint is that I feel like the story is trying a bit too hard to be funny at times (the "©™" thing is the most egregious example for me), but it's not enough of a problem for the story to wrap back around to being unfunny, or anything like that.
These sorts of things also usually add a small "normal" example towards the end before returning to the growing ridiculousness. I know that you are practically at the word limit, but adding something like
Yardwork:
Once the seasons change, it won't matter anyway. EWTBPSFI Rating: a few months.
in there somewhere, possibly after "Wife Cheating on You," might add to the humor.
And thank you for adding some more comedy to this round.
This was pretty funny to start with, but the examples carry on too long and lose some of that humor. I get that it builds to an image of the sales-guy's own problematic life, but... it needs to stay funny/sarcastic for that to work for me. We all know waiting doesn't actually work, so without the humor, there's nothing but a kind of "duh" flavored sadness, which isn't really entertaining to read.
I'll admit, I skimmed most of this. The joke is rather cute, but it becomes tired very quickly, like an SNL sketch. It didn't need to be this long.
Xepher's comment >>Xepher is right in line with my read.
Xepher's comment >>Xepher is right in line with my read.