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Down to the Finish
Thud. Thud. Thud. My feet pound into the rocky grit which scatters around me but never slips, please let it never slip. The wind slips around my ears and spreads the hair back from my eyes as I run, as we all run, and I hear the others all thudding all around me as we drive down the long hill in thunderous waves, dirt flying up in clouds as our feet strike home, thud. Thud. Thud.
I wish I could remember when it all started, and I wonder if there was a starting line, and whether there will be prizes afterward. Under a pale blue sky that grows hazier off in the distance, so that none can see where we are headed, we dash on, each keeping the rhythm of his or her own stride, as if it was some patented secret.
Some of us are carrying things, stuff we saw and snatched up as we sped by. I’d had an armful of pretty little shells, one with fourteen rainbow whorls that I had counted over and over; a rock that had been polished in its endless tumble down the hill, an old tooth… Then I’d stumbled over a hidden stump and came heart-stoppingly close to losing control and falling. I’d recovered, but all my things had flown out of my pinwheeling arms, sailing out and around me to bounce away over the slope. I never saw any of them again. Can’t go back. Thud. Thud. Thud.
I see sometimes from the corner of my eye, what happens if you fail. That one gal who’d been running the longest I could remember. She’d reached to grab a curious little red twig, and then something put her off balance, I never knew what. She fell and screamed as she bounced along, unable to regain her feet, and none of us in turn could stop to help her. Thud. Thud. Thud. Her bounces got higher and harder, and soon she stopped screaming. But her body stayed bouncing until there wasn’t anything left to bounce down the slope. I’m pretty sure the tooth I had came from someone who died like that. Thud. Thud. Thud.
I have a feeling it’s not much longer. How long can it go on like this? I find myself daydreaming, then I see it up ahead. A pretty little stone, glinting like a sunrise over a mountain, resting on that dead branch. But that guy next to me, he’s seen it too. It’s going to be close… I try to time it right to get there first, but we’re both running so fast—
He reaches me first and shoves me to the side and that should be the end of it, but I recover and jump back, my shoulder shoving his as we reach the branch.
And we both miss, of course, and we knock that pretty gem to the ground and that should be all she wrote. But we managed to slap it ahead of us and now it’s bounding before us, with just enough momentum to stay out of our grasps. Now, he tries to shove me aside, and of course I have to shove back, and it’s only going to be a matter of time. Thud. Thud. Thud. Trip—
He tripped, that bastard tripped!
But then, so did I.
Now we’re both tumbling, and the world is spinning around me and I see the sky and the ground whirling by more and more rapidly, but it’s always punctuated by the flash of that little gem as it bounces ahead. And his bounces are getting higher and so are mine, but I keep myself straight somehow amid all the flying dirt and the sharp rocks that stick out of the slope, and he—he comes down hard once, at the wrong angle, and there’s a crack, and he’s silent henceforth.
I know it’s impossible to get back to my feet, but I try anyway, and I manage to get myself somersaulting forward, keeping a rhythm behind the jewel. I have time to study it now, the afterimages burned into my eyelids, and I swear I’ve seen this one before, but—
Suddenly the slope runs out. And now I’m spinning through space, into a void with no bottom I can see, but as I fall I reach out one last time for the gem...
And I miss it.
But at least it’s falling with me.
Together we plunge down, me, the gem, and my heartbeat.
Thud. Thud. Thud.
I wish I could remember when it all started, and I wonder if there was a starting line, and whether there will be prizes afterward. Under a pale blue sky that grows hazier off in the distance, so that none can see where we are headed, we dash on, each keeping the rhythm of his or her own stride, as if it was some patented secret.
Some of us are carrying things, stuff we saw and snatched up as we sped by. I’d had an armful of pretty little shells, one with fourteen rainbow whorls that I had counted over and over; a rock that had been polished in its endless tumble down the hill, an old tooth… Then I’d stumbled over a hidden stump and came heart-stoppingly close to losing control and falling. I’d recovered, but all my things had flown out of my pinwheeling arms, sailing out and around me to bounce away over the slope. I never saw any of them again. Can’t go back. Thud. Thud. Thud.
I see sometimes from the corner of my eye, what happens if you fail. That one gal who’d been running the longest I could remember. She’d reached to grab a curious little red twig, and then something put her off balance, I never knew what. She fell and screamed as she bounced along, unable to regain her feet, and none of us in turn could stop to help her. Thud. Thud. Thud. Her bounces got higher and harder, and soon she stopped screaming. But her body stayed bouncing until there wasn’t anything left to bounce down the slope. I’m pretty sure the tooth I had came from someone who died like that. Thud. Thud. Thud.
I have a feeling it’s not much longer. How long can it go on like this? I find myself daydreaming, then I see it up ahead. A pretty little stone, glinting like a sunrise over a mountain, resting on that dead branch. But that guy next to me, he’s seen it too. It’s going to be close… I try to time it right to get there first, but we’re both running so fast—
He reaches me first and shoves me to the side and that should be the end of it, but I recover and jump back, my shoulder shoving his as we reach the branch.
And we both miss, of course, and we knock that pretty gem to the ground and that should be all she wrote. But we managed to slap it ahead of us and now it’s bounding before us, with just enough momentum to stay out of our grasps. Now, he tries to shove me aside, and of course I have to shove back, and it’s only going to be a matter of time. Thud. Thud. Thud. Trip—
He tripped, that bastard tripped!
But then, so did I.
Now we’re both tumbling, and the world is spinning around me and I see the sky and the ground whirling by more and more rapidly, but it’s always punctuated by the flash of that little gem as it bounces ahead. And his bounces are getting higher and so are mine, but I keep myself straight somehow amid all the flying dirt and the sharp rocks that stick out of the slope, and he—he comes down hard once, at the wrong angle, and there’s a crack, and he’s silent henceforth.
I know it’s impossible to get back to my feet, but I try anyway, and I manage to get myself somersaulting forward, keeping a rhythm behind the jewel. I have time to study it now, the afterimages burned into my eyelids, and I swear I’ve seen this one before, but—
Suddenly the slope runs out. And now I’m spinning through space, into a void with no bottom I can see, but as I fall I reach out one last time for the gem...
And I miss it.
But at least it’s falling with me.
Together we plunge down, me, the gem, and my heartbeat.
Thud. Thud. Thud.
One of two entries to not have any reviews yet, but it's all good now.
Something I liked:
If "Down to the Finish" ends up ranking low on people's slates, it won't be because of the author's complacency. On the contrary, I find this entry to be quite daring in a few ways, which granted don't have much to do with the story being told. For one, there's no dialogue, and no second-person narration to give the false impression of a dialogue. It's all action, and suspense, which I've always found difficult to convey effectively through writing. In a movie or video game there's a controlled rate at which you experience action, but you can just read something as slowly as you want. It's clear, though, that the author tried their best to keep up a consistent sense of risk in the game the protagonist is playing. I respect the risk-taking.
Something I didn't like:
Just because you're brave enough to take a risk in your writing doesn't mean the risk will pay off. In the case of this entry we're mainly assaulted with written sound effects and some awkward syntax. The "thud, thud, thud" effect didn't do anything for me from the word go, but then it gets repeated half a dozen times and quickly feels exhausted. We also get some wonky descriptions and instances of repetition in the action, pretty much right away, such as the ungainly phrase "all thudding all around me," which gives me the impression that one more editing pass was in order. To make matters worse, the stakes being established are too abstract and made clear too late for me to get truly invested in what was happening.
Verdict: Very much rough around the edges, to the point where I don't know if the core of the thing is worth it.
Something I liked:
If "Down to the Finish" ends up ranking low on people's slates, it won't be because of the author's complacency. On the contrary, I find this entry to be quite daring in a few ways, which granted don't have much to do with the story being told. For one, there's no dialogue, and no second-person narration to give the false impression of a dialogue. It's all action, and suspense, which I've always found difficult to convey effectively through writing. In a movie or video game there's a controlled rate at which you experience action, but you can just read something as slowly as you want. It's clear, though, that the author tried their best to keep up a consistent sense of risk in the game the protagonist is playing. I respect the risk-taking.
Something I didn't like:
Just because you're brave enough to take a risk in your writing doesn't mean the risk will pay off. In the case of this entry we're mainly assaulted with written sound effects and some awkward syntax. The "thud, thud, thud" effect didn't do anything for me from the word go, but then it gets repeated half a dozen times and quickly feels exhausted. We also get some wonky descriptions and instances of repetition in the action, pretty much right away, such as the ungainly phrase "all thudding all around me," which gives me the impression that one more editing pass was in order. To make matters worse, the stakes being established are too abstract and made clear too late for me to get truly invested in what was happening.
Verdict: Very much rough around the edges, to the point where I don't know if the core of the thing is worth it.
Okay, I have to admit, I'm pretty lost when it comes to this one. I want to say that this is a video game reference, with how it makes these oddly specific references to picking up items and the like. I originally thought this was about Temple Run, but not all the details lined up, so now I'm honestly not quite sure what much of it means.
So basically, I understand that the narrator is trying to obtain an elusive goal in a way that involves running and competing with others, but beyond that, I'm not getting much in terms of themes or even general meaning. And I'm almost certain that it's because I'm missing out on a very specific thing that this piece is trying to comment on or evoke. But as I am right now, I really am not sure I can enjoy this piece as intended.
So yeah, if anyone is more sure about what's going on here, feel free to hit me up in a reply.
So basically, I understand that the narrator is trying to obtain an elusive goal in a way that involves running and competing with others, but beyond that, I'm not getting much in terms of themes or even general meaning. And I'm almost certain that it's because I'm missing out on a very specific thing that this piece is trying to comment on or evoke. But as I am right now, I really am not sure I can enjoy this piece as intended.
So yeah, if anyone is more sure about what's going on here, feel free to hit me up in a reply.
In which this should be an Olympic sport if we can take out all the lethal stuff.
The story is a gem (hah!) but it's a cracked one. The crack is that I have no idea where this is going. What I do know is that it isn't your usual marathon since there's a couple mentions of bouncing and falling into a void, that it seems like a lethal thing whatever they're doing, people kind of scavenge for stuff on the way but have to do it so they also don't die, and it seems to be going on for so long that the protagonist doesn't know what it is all for. (Off-topic: in hindsight, it feels like something I could see in Death Stranding.) So there's the questions you build up: What is he running to? Are they running from something or is it just a dash home? Why are people willing to fight to get stuff?—is this some post-apocalyptic world or is it something else?
On its own, that's good. The problem is that the ending answers none of the questions posed throughout the story. It's great to have more questions left unanswered than questions, uh, answered; however, since none of the questions above were answered, I feel like this is not a self-contained mini fic and more like a prologue to some greater story that promises to give me rest regarding these questions and more.
Still, this is a gem. The rhythm of the sentences, how you use the long and short and medium ones and where to put them (and this extends to the long and short paragraphs as well) is a fine example of how to pace a mini fic. And, for all the questions you've left unanswered, you did a great job building up mystery and using that mystery to build reader intereset and curiosity: somehow, you made a quick mention of a girl dying by bouncing a brow-raiser, making me wonder, "What's going on here? Why did a girl die in this race/journey? I must read on to find out what's making this race/journey off-putting."
And, then, there's that first paragraph:
I find it amazing when I find the less common/heard-of rhetorical devices out in the wild: anadiplosis with the word slip, assonance with the sonuds related to the word thud (thunderous, dirt, strike), and some partial alliteration in "drive down the long hill in thunderous waves, dirt flying up in clouds...." This is an opening hook.
Overall: a cracked gem but a gem nonetheless. Will be surprised to see this in first place but will be surprised if it doesn't get silver or bronze.
The story is a gem (hah!) but it's a cracked one. The crack is that I have no idea where this is going. What I do know is that it isn't your usual marathon since there's a couple mentions of bouncing and falling into a void, that it seems like a lethal thing whatever they're doing, people kind of scavenge for stuff on the way but have to do it so they also don't die, and it seems to be going on for so long that the protagonist doesn't know what it is all for. (Off-topic: in hindsight, it feels like something I could see in Death Stranding.) So there's the questions you build up: What is he running to? Are they running from something or is it just a dash home? Why are people willing to fight to get stuff?—is this some post-apocalyptic world or is it something else?
On its own, that's good. The problem is that the ending answers none of the questions posed throughout the story. It's great to have more questions left unanswered than questions, uh, answered; however, since none of the questions above were answered, I feel like this is not a self-contained mini fic and more like a prologue to some greater story that promises to give me rest regarding these questions and more.
Still, this is a gem. The rhythm of the sentences, how you use the long and short and medium ones and where to put them (and this extends to the long and short paragraphs as well) is a fine example of how to pace a mini fic. And, for all the questions you've left unanswered, you did a great job building up mystery and using that mystery to build reader intereset and curiosity: somehow, you made a quick mention of a girl dying by bouncing a brow-raiser, making me wonder, "What's going on here? Why did a girl die in this race/journey? I must read on to find out what's making this race/journey off-putting."
And, then, there's that first paragraph:
Thud. Thud. Thud. My feet pound into the rocky grit which scatters around me but never slips, please let it never slip. The wind slips around my ears and spreads the hair back from my eyes as I run, as we all run, and I hear the others all thudding all around me as we drive down the long hill in thunderous waves, dirt flying up in clouds as our feet strike home, thud. Thud. Thud.
I find it amazing when I find the less common/heard-of rhetorical devices out in the wild: anadiplosis with the word slip, assonance with the sonuds related to the word thud (thunderous, dirt, strike), and some partial alliteration in "drive down the long hill in thunderous waves, dirt flying up in clouds...." This is an opening hook.
Overall: a cracked gem but a gem nonetheless. Will be surprised to see this in first place but will be surprised if it doesn't get silver or bronze.
Some interesting:
Use of language, but that's about all I get from this. With the imagery and the word repetitions and all, it almost feels like something that should've been entered in the concurrently occurring poetry contest, "Nothing Like the Sun," but here in a fiction contest, it just doesn't give me enough to go on. It makes me think of Franz Kafka's shorter stories, but I have positive and negative reactions to those, too...
Mike
Use of language, but that's about all I get from this. With the imagery and the word repetitions and all, it almost feels like something that should've been entered in the concurrently occurring poetry contest, "Nothing Like the Sun," but here in a fiction contest, it just doesn't give me enough to go on. It makes me think of Franz Kafka's shorter stories, but I have positive and negative reactions to those, too...
Mike
I think I have the same issues with this as I did with 'Draw Your Own Conclusions' in that I can't figure out for the life of me what's happening. It might be because I'm just stupid, but I can't really figure out where it's going. The writing itself is pretty solid, but I can't really find the plot or understand where it's going.
>>No_Raisin, >>Bachiavellian, >>Comma Typer, >>Baal Bunny, >>TheRedParade
Finished Down
Thanks for the reviews!
"There's always time to dash off a 400-word story," I told myself on the busy afternoon before the deadline.
"What's the subject?" I replied.
"Well, let's try to do an allegory for life, combined with the conditions of a Writeoff round, and see how it comes out."
"Sounds good, I can do at least 400 words on that. Let's have a go!"
And it came out to 8th place. See y'all next time!
Finished Down
Thanks for the reviews!
"There's always time to dash off a 400-word story," I told myself on the busy afternoon before the deadline.
"What's the subject?" I replied.
"Well, let's try to do an allegory for life, combined with the conditions of a Writeoff round, and see how it comes out."
"Sounds good, I can do at least 400 words on that. Let's have a go!"
And it came out to 8th place. See y'all next time!