Genre: Monochromatic

Thoughts: Wow, there is some definite high-quality writing up in here! Solid gut-punch with the last two lines. This is not one of my ships—not even a little—but this sets it up well enough that even I can pick up on the emotional through-line that it’s going for. I almost don’t even know what to say here beyond that it does everything well. The character voicing is on-point, but the narration is the true gem. Maybe the only slightly cheesy thing is Twilight’s inner thought about wanting Rarity to call her “Sparky,” but I dunno.

I’m copping-out on trying to sort the entries into tiers this time, because we have relatively few stories and they’re all of relatively high quality. But this is my #3 pick right now, and in a more typical round, #3 would sound a bit stronger than “third out of 7” does.

Tier: (All of the stories this round are good)

Feelings unspoken are unforgettable.

Something I liked:

Unlike my other favorite entries, which prefer concept over execution, this one takes a very simple premise and executes it near-perfectly. It's so simple, in fact, that nothing really happens on a physical level. We literally just get a conversation between Twilight and Rarity, but we also get an internal dialogue with Twilight's thought process. It's all very vivid, and honestly the strong point of this entry is how it combines a lot of little details to make something out of nothing. There's a strong sense of decay, and monotony, and a crush that remains unseen and unrequited. A big mood for sure.

Something I didn't like:

If I had a bone to pick with this entry, and admittedly it's a small bone, it's that I do wish Twilight's yearning for Rarity's company was better articulated. Specifically the passage about her wanting Rarity to call her by a pet name could be more smoothly integrated into the rest of the text. It's a mild shame, because the idea of Twilight wanting Rarity to treat her in that way is unbearably bittersweet, but it threatens to be both a little too cheesy and a little too abrupt when put in the context of a story like this where everything happens pretty gradually and pretty subtly.

Verdict: Not getting points for creativity, but the writing itself is top-notch. Makes me feel something I can't quite describe.

I really like the whole low-stakes, cozy feeling of this story. It's a really cute idea to give Twi a low-keyu mid-life crisis. As a whole, your dialogue reads very smoothly and interestingly, drawing the reader's attention neatly through connecting threads towards the ending. It feels crisp and effective.

In terms of complaints, I think my only significant-ish one is that I kind of don't understand why Twilight doesn't just tell Rarity that she wants to make the smootchies with her. The only reason I see in the text is that she wants to be more like Celestia and Luna, or maybe she's afraid of Rarity's aging. Both of these aren't really presented as very important, though, so it really makes me wonder why this conflict hasn't resolved itself by this point already. Since Twi doesn't seem to have a very strong (or a very emotional) reason not to ask Rarity out, it kind of gives the impression that she doesn't really want to date Rarity very much. Which runs counter to the focus of the story.

So I think for me, the only thing I'd tweak is maybe giving a little more focus on the exact emotional hang-ups Twilight is having with the concept of dating, or the concept of dating Rarity in particular. That would raise the stakes of her internal struggle a little bit, and help make her crush feel stronger as well.

Thanks for submitting!

I'll agree:

With >>No_Raisin and >>Bachiavellian that a little more exploration of why exactly Twilight has never said anything to Rarity about all this would help. And if that explanation were to somehow involve a list or two, that would be even better...though that could maybe just be me.

Mike