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Tempest
Until Reisuch slipped from otherwhen and struck Syvarth from behind, there was surely no way that we could have prevailed. Even though my entropic shields were glittering like frozen space and Elganath held the Bludgeon of Scattered Desires, Syvarth would still have beaten us down and reshaped the nascent glowing world below us to her own revolting desires.
But Reisuch darted back from the Was-To-Be and struck with all might at Syvarth’s unguarded double tails, and down she fell, landing on the world below. The poor little globe trembled, its barely formed continental masses rippling in mighty waves. As she was distracted in the fractured rock, we reformed our defenses.
It was a brief respite; Syvarth rose from the congealed magma again, cunning and glassy, and uttered a challenge that filled the black sparkling sky with thin deadly shards.
I stamped hard into the glowing rock and it splashed an umbrella around me and my associates, which cooled just as the blades fell. They chipped and cracked the thin shell, but it held, ah yes, it held!
And now Elganath stepped forward and his Bludgeon danced, striking hard at Syvarth’s unwholesome and lethal intentions, shattering and scattering her will. And I stepped forward to spread chaos below her supporting tendrils, laughing with draconic equanimity. And lithe Reisuch, she -- she was not here, now, but this surely was the point where she nimbly slipped back through time and gave Syvarth the backstabbing nudge that would ensure our victory.
Syvarth howled and struck at us again and again with her wiles and her knives, but we held the ascendancy now. As brave Elganath brought down his bludgeon like a vast silver hammer, and I shifted the values of physical law underfoot, and Reisuch, popping back to the present, lashed out with a glowing whip of binding, Syvarth raged in despair, for she knew her rude challenges for the fate of our little world that we’d all built together were now at an end.
Reisuch’s whip spiralled inexorably around Syvarth’s multiple tendrils and my entropic forces eased the way as the mighty bludgeon descended and struck the final blow! With a wail of despair and shock, Syvarth shot like an arrow straight down into the semi-molten world below, passing through rudely formed mantle and incandescent magma to come to her permanent resting place at the center; a fit punishment for her presumption and betrayal.
I stared down at the crater, white hot at the rim with the brown roiling smoke inside--
“Discord? Is the tea not to your liking?”
--And the whole noodly forking length of me, unfolded through time like a bolt of lightning, gets frozen to one spine-cracking point. Here I am, not elsewhere where most of the action is happened, or did happening, or…
I stare down at the tiny white porcelain circle with the literal spot of swirling tannin-stained water in it. From the corners of my eyes I see through the windows distant mountains, eroded to roundness now, but once spiky with the force that threw them up, the very edges of the crater that Syvarth made as she fell screaming for the last time. If the ponies could look down through the ground, as I can, past the blazing depths of Tartarus, they’d be able to see that curled form frozen at the heart of the world, skull with jaws spread in its last, eternal challenge.
And slim Egalnath of the Dark Cunning, Reisuch who slipped through instants of time like the thinnest possible blade, Olsibena with his great round maw that swallowed rocks and asteroids and then worlds until he eventually ate enough to become a star… where are they? The paths they took do not even exist any more; they have vanished not only from present and future but also past, so that now I only have my shaky memories to recall them, and must wonder if I only deceive myself to think that such terrible splendor ever blazed its way through existence. And the leakage of Syvarth’s screaming dreams now have lent their power to such trivial little schemers as Grogar and Tirek, who have not the wit to comprehend what true chaos was, or what true power once meant. And I in my little encroaching fences cannot hold my own against even these. My potential still branches through pasts and futures like a tree, but it is like an evergreen now, smaller and smaller as it extends into the glory of the New Order. I, who once played with the forges of creation, reduced to parlor tricks and niceties...
“A fire has to burn; how else can it be a fire?” I mutter.
“What?” says the pony serving tea, blinking with cowlike innocence. “Would you like some more honey with that?”
I extend the tiny, insultingly cool cup, the tiny bubble of congealed matter that I could fragment to gamma rays if I just squeezed my claws one tiny bit harder.
“Do make with the bee-barf, dearie,” I say through my teeth.
But Reisuch darted back from the Was-To-Be and struck with all might at Syvarth’s unguarded double tails, and down she fell, landing on the world below. The poor little globe trembled, its barely formed continental masses rippling in mighty waves. As she was distracted in the fractured rock, we reformed our defenses.
It was a brief respite; Syvarth rose from the congealed magma again, cunning and glassy, and uttered a challenge that filled the black sparkling sky with thin deadly shards.
I stamped hard into the glowing rock and it splashed an umbrella around me and my associates, which cooled just as the blades fell. They chipped and cracked the thin shell, but it held, ah yes, it held!
And now Elganath stepped forward and his Bludgeon danced, striking hard at Syvarth’s unwholesome and lethal intentions, shattering and scattering her will. And I stepped forward to spread chaos below her supporting tendrils, laughing with draconic equanimity. And lithe Reisuch, she -- she was not here, now, but this surely was the point where she nimbly slipped back through time and gave Syvarth the backstabbing nudge that would ensure our victory.
Syvarth howled and struck at us again and again with her wiles and her knives, but we held the ascendancy now. As brave Elganath brought down his bludgeon like a vast silver hammer, and I shifted the values of physical law underfoot, and Reisuch, popping back to the present, lashed out with a glowing whip of binding, Syvarth raged in despair, for she knew her rude challenges for the fate of our little world that we’d all built together were now at an end.
Reisuch’s whip spiralled inexorably around Syvarth’s multiple tendrils and my entropic forces eased the way as the mighty bludgeon descended and struck the final blow! With a wail of despair and shock, Syvarth shot like an arrow straight down into the semi-molten world below, passing through rudely formed mantle and incandescent magma to come to her permanent resting place at the center; a fit punishment for her presumption and betrayal.
I stared down at the crater, white hot at the rim with the brown roiling smoke inside--
“Discord? Is the tea not to your liking?”
--And the whole noodly forking length of me, unfolded through time like a bolt of lightning, gets frozen to one spine-cracking point. Here I am, not elsewhere where most of the action is happened, or did happening, or…
I stare down at the tiny white porcelain circle with the literal spot of swirling tannin-stained water in it. From the corners of my eyes I see through the windows distant mountains, eroded to roundness now, but once spiky with the force that threw them up, the very edges of the crater that Syvarth made as she fell screaming for the last time. If the ponies could look down through the ground, as I can, past the blazing depths of Tartarus, they’d be able to see that curled form frozen at the heart of the world, skull with jaws spread in its last, eternal challenge.
And slim Egalnath of the Dark Cunning, Reisuch who slipped through instants of time like the thinnest possible blade, Olsibena with his great round maw that swallowed rocks and asteroids and then worlds until he eventually ate enough to become a star… where are they? The paths they took do not even exist any more; they have vanished not only from present and future but also past, so that now I only have my shaky memories to recall them, and must wonder if I only deceive myself to think that such terrible splendor ever blazed its way through existence. And the leakage of Syvarth’s screaming dreams now have lent their power to such trivial little schemers as Grogar and Tirek, who have not the wit to comprehend what true chaos was, or what true power once meant. And I in my little encroaching fences cannot hold my own against even these. My potential still branches through pasts and futures like a tree, but it is like an evergreen now, smaller and smaller as it extends into the glory of the New Order. I, who once played with the forges of creation, reduced to parlor tricks and niceties...
“A fire has to burn; how else can it be a fire?” I mutter.
“What?” says the pony serving tea, blinking with cowlike innocence. “Would you like some more honey with that?”
I extend the tiny, insultingly cool cup, the tiny bubble of congealed matter that I could fragment to gamma rays if I just squeezed my claws one tiny bit harder.
“Do make with the bee-barf, dearie,” I say through my teeth.
Pics
That's a worldbuilding and a half.
It was a little hard to figure out what was going on at first mostly because I kept getting caught up on the names. Not that there's anything wrong with them, they are appropriately ancient-being, but because I didn't really have enough time to get used to them. Discord also seems really, really spiteful, and I'm not sure what to make of that.
All around, I do really like this concept. And it really leaves me wondering how Discord went from a cosmic force to what he is now. You know, wondering in a good way. Also, I think you did a great job following the flow of cosmic battle in such a short time.
So, final verdict? Pretty good, but would definitely benefit from later expansion just to give us more time to get into the world.
It was a little hard to figure out what was going on at first mostly because I kept getting caught up on the names. Not that there's anything wrong with them, they are appropriately ancient-being, but because I didn't really have enough time to get used to them. Discord also seems really, really spiteful, and I'm not sure what to make of that.
All around, I do really like this concept. And it really leaves me wondering how Discord went from a cosmic force to what he is now. You know, wondering in a good way. Also, I think you did a great job following the flow of cosmic battle in such a short time.
So, final verdict? Pretty good, but would definitely benefit from later expansion just to give us more time to get into the world.
I feel like Bachi might've written this one, maybe.
Something I liked:
In terms of writing action, this is not half bad. When I first read it I was confused by all the character names I didn't recognize, and what exactly was happening, but upon re-reading I realized that the context of the action is not important so much as Discord's recollection of it. This is a version of Discord that's less chaotic neutral (how he is by the end of the series) and more chaotic evil (how he was in season 2), and it's interesting to read about this now-tamed creature reminisce so fondly of a time when he caused so much destruction. Remember when this guy was a villain?
Something I didn't like:
What I found to be a road block initially is that there are so many words dedicated to the action and so few dedicated to Discord's own situation that it's easy to get the impression that we're supposed to care about the action itself, and I don't think that's supposed to be the case. Discord is in a really bad mood, he clearly doesn't enjoy being chaotic neutral (at least some of the time), but we're given so little insight into why he feels this way other than the things he's remembering. I also feel like replacing the coffee mare with Fluttershy, then expanding that last scene, would help.
Verdict: Very cluttered, seemingly on purpose, which I can get behind, but at the same time I want it to focus more on Discord himself.
Something I liked:
In terms of writing action, this is not half bad. When I first read it I was confused by all the character names I didn't recognize, and what exactly was happening, but upon re-reading I realized that the context of the action is not important so much as Discord's recollection of it. This is a version of Discord that's less chaotic neutral (how he is by the end of the series) and more chaotic evil (how he was in season 2), and it's interesting to read about this now-tamed creature reminisce so fondly of a time when he caused so much destruction. Remember when this guy was a villain?
Something I didn't like:
What I found to be a road block initially is that there are so many words dedicated to the action and so few dedicated to Discord's own situation that it's easy to get the impression that we're supposed to care about the action itself, and I don't think that's supposed to be the case. Discord is in a really bad mood, he clearly doesn't enjoy being chaotic neutral (at least some of the time), but we're given so little insight into why he feels this way other than the things he's remembering. I also feel like replacing the coffee mare with Fluttershy, then expanding that last scene, would help.
Verdict: Very cluttered, seemingly on purpose, which I can get behind, but at the same time I want it to focus more on Discord himself.
Genre: Boss Fight
Thoughts: As of right now, this is at the top of my voting slate. I like how ambitiously overwrought the narration is, and I think it does an excellent job with the style and the substance of it. This is a great depiction of Discord struggling with what it would mean to be both a nigh-Cosmic Concept and a nigh-tame nigh-mortal. It’d be nice to know more about whether he’s just having a bad day, or whether he’s harboring a secret temptation to atomize Fluttershy for giggles; right now he’s got the Biggest Mood, but it’s not clear what the sound and fury ultimately signifies.
What sound and fury it is, though. I enjoy how the prose of this is poetic, and almost musical. If anything, it reminds me of the latter-day Writeoff classic Pinkamena’s Wake.
In fact, come to think of it...
Tier: (All of the stories this round are good)
Thoughts: As of right now, this is at the top of my voting slate. I like how ambitiously overwrought the narration is, and I think it does an excellent job with the style and the substance of it. This is a great depiction of Discord struggling with what it would mean to be both a nigh-Cosmic Concept and a nigh-tame nigh-mortal. It’d be nice to know more about whether he’s just having a bad day, or whether he’s harboring a secret temptation to atomize Fluttershy for giggles; right now he’s got the Biggest Mood, but it’s not clear what the sound and fury ultimately signifies.
What sound and fury it is, though. I enjoy how the prose of this is poetic, and almost musical. If anything, it reminds me of the latter-day Writeoff classic Pinkamena’s Wake.
In fact, come to think of it...
Tier: (All of the stories this round are good)
Coming back here after reading all seven entries, I can safely say that this is definitely the entry that offers the most grandiose presentation of prose in this current batch. The overall pacing and cadence of the sentences really helped elevate it from good to great for me, especially when we see them being interplayed with the scene with our nameless pony (I assume Fluttershy) after the break.
I really have to commend the juxtaposition here. With how stark the contrast of these two scenes are presented to us here, made evident right away from my first glance at the entry's structure not only from the density of the paragraphs but the proportion as well — I'm pretty sure only 7% of the scene was dedicated to the humdrum part — it really helps highlight the strengths of each individual scene without dampening the effect of the other. All this plus the fact that this is actually the shortest story out of the batch just goes to show how clear and concise everything was executed here.
I did initially share the sentiments of my fellow reviewers >>No_Raisin and >>CoffeeMinion about questioning how Discord came to have this line of thinking, but after a bit of ruminating, I'm inclined to believe that we don't need to know the 'how' and 'why' for this story to work better. In fact, I'd argue that if the entry did answer those questions, it would actually be to the story's detriment in a sense that it would pile upon what's already a dense read and take away from the spectacle that is the collision of these two scenes. That, and this is all from the perspective of Discord himself. I'm not saying that I excuse an entry's lack of purpose when it comes to certain characters being in the spotlight; I simply believe, when I consider how everything else in this story has been achieved elegantly in spite of its complexity, that the story played all the cards it needed to play.
Personally, I view this whole thing as just a passing train of thought from our enigmatic Lord of Chaos as he has a bit of tea with his dearest friend. The sensationally-prosed battle may in fact not mean anything in the grander scheme of things and honestly, that's okay. If anything, it just builds upon the contrast that the story had set out for, which, unintentional or not, it's something I want to highlight because reading this entry with that thought in mind made my experience with this story all the better for it.
Really great stuff, dear Author. Hopefully, there's a way you can fit this into FimFic's word limit without taking away the effect of what you already have here. I would love to see this up there.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
I really have to commend the juxtaposition here. With how stark the contrast of these two scenes are presented to us here, made evident right away from my first glance at the entry's structure not only from the density of the paragraphs but the proportion as well — I'm pretty sure only 7% of the scene was dedicated to the humdrum part — it really helps highlight the strengths of each individual scene without dampening the effect of the other. All this plus the fact that this is actually the shortest story out of the batch just goes to show how clear and concise everything was executed here.
I did initially share the sentiments of my fellow reviewers >>No_Raisin and >>CoffeeMinion about questioning how Discord came to have this line of thinking, but after a bit of ruminating, I'm inclined to believe that we don't need to know the 'how' and 'why' for this story to work better. In fact, I'd argue that if the entry did answer those questions, it would actually be to the story's detriment in a sense that it would pile upon what's already a dense read and take away from the spectacle that is the collision of these two scenes. That, and this is all from the perspective of Discord himself. I'm not saying that I excuse an entry's lack of purpose when it comes to certain characters being in the spotlight; I simply believe, when I consider how everything else in this story has been achieved elegantly in spite of its complexity, that the story played all the cards it needed to play.
Personally, I view this whole thing as just a passing train of thought from our enigmatic Lord of Chaos as he has a bit of tea with his dearest friend. The sensationally-prosed battle may in fact not mean anything in the grander scheme of things and honestly, that's okay. If anything, it just builds upon the contrast that the story had set out for, which, unintentional or not, it's something I want to highlight because reading this entry with that thought in mind made my experience with this story all the better for it.
Really great stuff, dear Author. Hopefully, there's a way you can fit this into FimFic's word limit without taking away the effect of what you already have here. I would love to see this up there.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
In all honesty, author:
If I had just come across this story on Fimfiction or somewhere, I would've stopped reading halfway through the first paragraph and moved on to something else. To me, it's nothing but a scramble of words with nothing in it for me to grab hold of.
I seem to be in the minority on this, though, so feel free to disregard the following suggestion: give me an opening sentence where something like a flicker of a sunbeam across the top of Discord's tea strikes his eye and carries him into the reminiscence. That way, I've got an anchor before I'm tumbled headlong into the storm.
Mike
If I had just come across this story on Fimfiction or somewhere, I would've stopped reading halfway through the first paragraph and moved on to something else. To me, it's nothing but a scramble of words with nothing in it for me to grab hold of.
I seem to be in the minority on this, though, so feel free to disregard the following suggestion: give me an opening sentence where something like a flicker of a sunbeam across the top of Discord's tea strikes his eye and carries him into the reminiscence. That way, I've got an anchor before I'm tumbled headlong into the storm.
Mike
So this one's prose definitely has the most style and ambition out of all this event's entries. Really well done on that; I can't overstate it. The second scene really wouldn't work half as well if the first scene didn't set such a grandiose stage for the fic as a whole.
Now, I think that personally I had some reading difficulties regarding the pacing and high-level structure. >>Baal Bunny touches on a point that I wanted to make, which is that on first reading, the first scene really seems to have nothing to do with the world of MLP. THis is kind of a problem that the piece has throughout the story, to me, which is that it's trying to cram a lot of capital-W Worldbuilding into its scale, but it's having trouble making this Worldbuilding feel like it's related to what we see on the show. The little call out to Syvarth sitting below Tartarus was a nice touch, but that's really as far as we ever get to making the events on the first half relevant to how the universe of Equestria operates.
So despite this being our shortest entry, it felt like a really long read to me my first time through. I was struggling to remember names and sides and roles, which mostly all turned out to be not all that important by the end of the story. So while the first scene in a lot of ways is your strongest, it's also by far the most costly part of the story.
I can't help but to kind of compare this story to Bad Horse's The Gathering, which plays a similar premise of an immortal thinking about cosmic scale events while trying to focus on mundane life. What I liked about The Gathering is that it integrated the grand-scale musings into the text of the day-to-day, which gave the whole piece a greater sense of immediacy and relevance. I think this one kind of struggles to justify how top-heavy it is, with so much weight in the first half of the story.
Overall, like I said, I did enjoy the prose, especially on my subsequent readings. And I really am a sucker for the whole "powerful entity trying their hardest to live in a fragile world" concept. I just wish that it didn't tax me for my attention so hard before it had the chance to pay itself off.
Thanks for submitting!
Now, I think that personally I had some reading difficulties regarding the pacing and high-level structure. >>Baal Bunny touches on a point that I wanted to make, which is that on first reading, the first scene really seems to have nothing to do with the world of MLP. THis is kind of a problem that the piece has throughout the story, to me, which is that it's trying to cram a lot of capital-W Worldbuilding into its scale, but it's having trouble making this Worldbuilding feel like it's related to what we see on the show. The little call out to Syvarth sitting below Tartarus was a nice touch, but that's really as far as we ever get to making the events on the first half relevant to how the universe of Equestria operates.
So despite this being our shortest entry, it felt like a really long read to me my first time through. I was struggling to remember names and sides and roles, which mostly all turned out to be not all that important by the end of the story. So while the first scene in a lot of ways is your strongest, it's also by far the most costly part of the story.
I can't help but to kind of compare this story to Bad Horse's The Gathering, which plays a similar premise of an immortal thinking about cosmic scale events while trying to focus on mundane life. What I liked about The Gathering is that it integrated the grand-scale musings into the text of the day-to-day, which gave the whole piece a greater sense of immediacy and relevance. I think this one kind of struggles to justify how top-heavy it is, with so much weight in the first half of the story.
Overall, like I said, I did enjoy the prose, especially on my subsequent readings. And I really am a sucker for the whole "powerful entity trying their hardest to live in a fragile world" concept. I just wish that it didn't tax me for my attention so hard before it had the chance to pay itself off.
Thanks for submitting!