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Murder Most Fowl
An awful, slick *squish!* froze Raven Inkwell—Princess Celestia’s white-coated, brown-maned unicorn steward—in mid-stride. Sweat beaded on her brow as she levitated aside the scroll she’d been quintuple-checking to behold the brown and green miasma caking both her forehoof and much of Canterlot castle’s once-clean crimson carpets and shining marble.
A loud HONK! shattered her horrified reverie. More honks followed, seemingly from all sides. Her blood pumped faster as she gazed to and fro, trying to detect their source.
Soon the creatures broke upon her as a wave of honking, flapping, dive-bombing gooseflesh. They descended from rafters, assailed her in doorways, and alternately honked and snapped at her effects. Raven batted at them with her magic, but there were too many; first they tore away the scroll, then one nabbed her glasses. Finding herself both beset and legally blind, she bolted, desperate to escape despite the horrid squishing that her hooves made.
Raven soon reached a large set of double-doors. She entered, slammed them shut quickly, then leaned back against them, glad for the chance to at least catch her breath.
“The guard-geese are new,” said Princess Celestia very nearby, making Raven jump nearly out of her skin. “I’m sorry we didn’t consult with you, but I feel it’s important for everypony to go on holiday from time to time… even if that means leaving kingdom-threatening crises to be handled by others in one’s absence.”
“G… ‘Guard-geese?’” Raven spluttered incredulously.
The large white blur before her cocked what was probably a head. “Then you haven’t been briefed about the new security measures Shining Armor instituted while you were away?”
“Er… no?”
“I’m surprised you didn’t see the fans,” Celestia said. “Or at least hear them. We’ve more than doubled the guard, what with the threat of Grogar at large. We have more layers of detection, prevention, and intervention, than I can remember. It’s perfect. Well, almost.”
Fighting down the urge to shout about how nopony would want to infiltrate a castle with goose droppings everywhere… Raven simply smiled, because sometimes this was part of the job, too. “Almost, Princess?
Celestia inclined her head. “I see you’ve discovered a… shall we say, tactical shortcoming with our guard-geese.”
“That their filth is ruining the castle?”
“Exactly. Everypony wants to get rid of them, but they’re magically resistant. We have pest ponies who can evict them, but it might have to be done with violence… which I can’t condone. I’ve often said that I would jeopardize my own health and safety before I would respond to negativity with violence.”
Chrysalis, Tirek, and Tempest Shadow would all vouch for that, Raven thought amid rising passive-aggressiveness.
“Which is why I’m putting you on it,” Celestia continued.
“Wait, me?!” Raven’s eyes went wide. “W—Why me?”
The white blur raised a hoof and set it on Raven’s shoulder. It was warm and strong. “Because you’re capable, clever, and fresh from holiday. You’re bound to think of something that we haven’t yet.”
Raven frowned, but plunged herself deep into thought. Options whizzed by, quicker than heartbeats, as she considered and rejected them.
It’d be so much easier if we could just dispose of the blighters.
Wait…
A single thought stood out to her. She cleared her throat, preparing to push forward with it, dangerous as it may be. “Princess, you’ve essentially said that you wouldn’t try to stop somepony from taking over the kingdom, correct?”
“Not at all. I admit that we’ve come close to being overthrown several times in recent memory, but we’ve always come back stronger than before.”
“Of course,” Raven said. Her pulse began to hammer as she prepared her next words: “But if, say, I were to stage a coup right now. Bloodless, of course. But if it removed certain decision-making requirements from you?”
Celestia shook her head. “No, that’s no better than making the decision myself.”
A smile crept into Raven’s lips. “What if I challenged you to a duel?”
“I… wouldn’t fight, of course.”
Raven shrugged. “Then you concede?”
“Raven, I—”
“You concede,” Raven repeated more firmly.
After a moment’s hesitation, Celestia chuckled. “This sets a bad precedent, you know.”
Raven smiled back. “We can’t let the castle fall into ruin. And if compromising somewhat is the only way to do that… perhaps, in this case, we can live with that?”
“You would be a wise ruler,” Celestia said. “Calculating, though…”
“You mean I am a wise ruler. But fear not; a royal steward’s position just opened up, and the pay’s rising.”
“Raven…”
A loud HONK! shattered her horrified reverie. More honks followed, seemingly from all sides. Her blood pumped faster as she gazed to and fro, trying to detect their source.
Soon the creatures broke upon her as a wave of honking, flapping, dive-bombing gooseflesh. They descended from rafters, assailed her in doorways, and alternately honked and snapped at her effects. Raven batted at them with her magic, but there were too many; first they tore away the scroll, then one nabbed her glasses. Finding herself both beset and legally blind, she bolted, desperate to escape despite the horrid squishing that her hooves made.
Raven soon reached a large set of double-doors. She entered, slammed them shut quickly, then leaned back against them, glad for the chance to at least catch her breath.
“The guard-geese are new,” said Princess Celestia very nearby, making Raven jump nearly out of her skin. “I’m sorry we didn’t consult with you, but I feel it’s important for everypony to go on holiday from time to time… even if that means leaving kingdom-threatening crises to be handled by others in one’s absence.”
“G… ‘Guard-geese?’” Raven spluttered incredulously.
The large white blur before her cocked what was probably a head. “Then you haven’t been briefed about the new security measures Shining Armor instituted while you were away?”
“Er… no?”
“I’m surprised you didn’t see the fans,” Celestia said. “Or at least hear them. We’ve more than doubled the guard, what with the threat of Grogar at large. We have more layers of detection, prevention, and intervention, than I can remember. It’s perfect. Well, almost.”
Fighting down the urge to shout about how nopony would want to infiltrate a castle with goose droppings everywhere… Raven simply smiled, because sometimes this was part of the job, too. “Almost, Princess?
Celestia inclined her head. “I see you’ve discovered a… shall we say, tactical shortcoming with our guard-geese.”
“That their filth is ruining the castle?”
“Exactly. Everypony wants to get rid of them, but they’re magically resistant. We have pest ponies who can evict them, but it might have to be done with violence… which I can’t condone. I’ve often said that I would jeopardize my own health and safety before I would respond to negativity with violence.”
Chrysalis, Tirek, and Tempest Shadow would all vouch for that, Raven thought amid rising passive-aggressiveness.
“Which is why I’m putting you on it,” Celestia continued.
“Wait, me?!” Raven’s eyes went wide. “W—Why me?”
The white blur raised a hoof and set it on Raven’s shoulder. It was warm and strong. “Because you’re capable, clever, and fresh from holiday. You’re bound to think of something that we haven’t yet.”
Raven frowned, but plunged herself deep into thought. Options whizzed by, quicker than heartbeats, as she considered and rejected them.
It’d be so much easier if we could just dispose of the blighters.
Wait…
A single thought stood out to her. She cleared her throat, preparing to push forward with it, dangerous as it may be. “Princess, you’ve essentially said that you wouldn’t try to stop somepony from taking over the kingdom, correct?”
“Not at all. I admit that we’ve come close to being overthrown several times in recent memory, but we’ve always come back stronger than before.”
“Of course,” Raven said. Her pulse began to hammer as she prepared her next words: “But if, say, I were to stage a coup right now. Bloodless, of course. But if it removed certain decision-making requirements from you?”
Celestia shook her head. “No, that’s no better than making the decision myself.”
A smile crept into Raven’s lips. “What if I challenged you to a duel?”
“I… wouldn’t fight, of course.”
Raven shrugged. “Then you concede?”
“Raven, I—”
“You concede,” Raven repeated more firmly.
After a moment’s hesitation, Celestia chuckled. “This sets a bad precedent, you know.”
Raven smiled back. “We can’t let the castle fall into ruin. And if compromising somewhat is the only way to do that… perhaps, in this case, we can live with that?”
“You would be a wise ruler,” Celestia said. “Calculating, though…”
“You mean I am a wise ruler. But fear not; a royal steward’s position just opened up, and the pay’s rising.”
“Raven…”
Pics
Either I'm missing something, or the story is. Raven manages to wrest control of the nation and it is implied that she is putting Celestia in the position of steward, but it isn't clear how any of this will resolve the problem at hoof, nor is there anything stopping Celestia from regaining her position.
The intro (er, first third of the entire story) feels clunky and crude. In a story this brief, nobody cares about the hair color of the OC. The second sentence is a slogging river of concepts. The explicit sounds are coarse and handled inconsistently. And so on.
This is clearly trying to be funny, but it is not working on me.
Needs Work / Abstain
The intro (er, first third of the entire story) feels clunky and crude. In a story this brief, nobody cares about the hair color of the OC. The second sentence is a slogging river of concepts. The explicit sounds are coarse and handled inconsistently. And so on.
This is clearly trying to be funny, but it is not working on me.
Needs Work / Abstain
The title tells you well enough what Princess Raven is going to do next.
Canterlot is going to feast for weeks. After they clean up, that is.
Canterlot is going to feast for weeks. After they clean up, that is.
This one was genuinely funny, and also met a true story structure, something not every minific does.
Problem: Guard-geese implemented by Shining Armor, who doesn't live there, are leaving filth everywhere.
Conflict: Princess Celestia is a pacifist and does not want to dispose of the geese.
Resolution: Raven recognizes that Celestia's pacifism means she will not stand in the way if Raven stages a "coup" and takes over.
Climax: Raven implements her plan and takes over Equestria.
Implied ending, not shown: Raven serves lots and lots of roast goose.
It's obviously Celestia allowing this as a workaround for her own pacifism, letting someone else take the burden of decisions that will result in the death of waterfowl; this isn't really a coup, it's Celestia going "oh no. oh dear. whatever will I do." (in a deadpan voice)
I liked it.
Problem: Guard-geese implemented by Shining Armor, who doesn't live there, are leaving filth everywhere.
Conflict: Princess Celestia is a pacifist and does not want to dispose of the geese.
Resolution: Raven recognizes that Celestia's pacifism means she will not stand in the way if Raven stages a "coup" and takes over.
Climax: Raven implements her plan and takes over Equestria.
Implied ending, not shown: Raven serves lots and lots of roast goose.
It's obviously Celestia allowing this as a workaround for her own pacifism, letting someone else take the burden of decisions that will result in the death of waterfowl; this isn't really a coup, it's Celestia going "oh no. oh dear. whatever will I do." (in a deadpan voice)
I liked it.
Fun:
The only thing I could suggest would be that this not be the first time Raven has staged a bloodless coup and taken over Equestria in order to solve some problem that Celestia doesn't want to deal with. But don't let us readers know that till the very end after Raven has taken care of the geese and abdicated the throne the way she always does. :)
Mike
The only thing I could suggest would be that this not be the first time Raven has staged a bloodless coup and taken over Equestria in order to solve some problem that Celestia doesn't want to deal with. But don't let us readers know that till the very end after Raven has taken care of the geese and abdicated the throne the way she always does. :)
Mike
A Retrospective Was Never an Option
I think this is the first time I've ever written a retro after transferring a fic to FimFiction. As such, I'm not looking at this from the perspective of: "Oh, these comments give me ideas about how to improve this!" Instead, I'm more focused on how the feedback helped influence my thought process as I picked it up and chucked it over the wall.
And yes, I did a speedy transfer of this because I wanted to slip it in under the wire for FoME's "Imposing Sovereigns 2" contest. I teased a couple people on the Discord chat with some hints about the story I wanted to write for that contest, but for various reasons I failed to get it off the ground during the contest period.
I didn't go into writing Murder Most Fowl with any intention of using it for Imposing Sovereigns 2, and it was only after the fact that I realized this checked enough of the requisite boxes to work for that. TBH this was just a by-product of wanting to write a similar "Princesses Behaving Badly" fic as It's Not Good from a few Writeoffs ago, and it ended up being filtered through a few late-night sessions playing Untitled Goose Game. Nothing more, nothing less.
>>KwirkyJ
Gotta say, this was a bit of a rough first review; it certainly pulls no punches. And yet, it proved very helpful as I went to revise the story. It provided a good list of things to make sure to address.
...Raven's not an OC, though, so I at least have you there. :-p
>>Anon Y Mous
Hjernkk!!
Hey, so before I say anything else, thank you so much for the art! It was a great expressive piece, and I hope I didn't offend you by marring it with a censored bar on FimFiction. I originally thought this would come in as E-rated, and I only bumped it to T-rated in the end as a hedge against complaints about the pony-on-goose violence.
That said: adding the description of Raven was the sort of damned-if-you-do/damned-if-you-don't thing that pops up in Writeoff stories from time to time. The issue here is that you don't have any kind of long or short description, or even cover art, to help establish the story's parameters. I ran into something similar in Bra Quest!, where I needed to establish Limestone's age, because it mattered for the rest of the story. Here I didn't know if everyone would know who Raven is, so I decided to establish it, even though it made things clunky.
I was super glad to be able to cut that in the FimFiction version!
>>tinmane
Exactly! :D This was a very encouraging comment, so thank you. I was trying with this to tell just enough of the story to get the rest across, and this confirmed that had worked, at least somewhat.
>>alarajrogers
This was probably the most encouraging comment, though! This, more than anything else, helped confirm that I'd not totally struck out. Writing comedy is hard enough as it is, and the minific format only amps-up the difficulty. This also helped plant some seeds about how I wanted to refine Celestia's character in the revised version. I ultimately chose to play her more "straight" and less deadpan, and to make Raven slightly more absurd to help balance things out. But this was helpful!
>>Baal Bunny
I spent a long time thinking very, very seriously about the idea you gave me here. The ending you propose would be very much in keeping with Untitled Goose Game itself. It's a good idea, and it could've worked.
I ultimately chose not to go in that direction. It wasn't a question of not wanting to do it. It wasn't even a question of having it in mind as I started revising the ending. Instead, it was just a matter of how the ending ended up playing out as I revised it. I found what I feel is a funny little moment where Raven's newfound sense of power starts going to her head, and Celestia is left playing the straight-mare to the hilt. Showing more of Raven's reconquest of the castle would've been great too, but I didn't think it needed it after I amped-up that moment.
So thank you, because I very well might not have done as well by the ending as I did without this thought!
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