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Daring Ponies
The sound of scribbling could be heard from the other room.
Quibble looked at the clock. Three in the afternoon, and Wind didn’t do as much as take a break. She told Clear Sky that she was too busy trying to figure it out. He picked up the book off his desk and took a deep breath. His heart was beating out of his chest, but he needed to do this. Otherwise the book would’ve been a total waste.
He tip-hooved through the hallway. As he did, he smelled the book as he held it in his hooves. Ah, the smell of new paper and printing. Always seemed to calm him. Made it seem like a new beginning each time, a journey.
He slipped into his daughter’s room and tapped on the doorframe.
Wind Sprint didn’t take her eyes off the paper on her desk. “Not now, Dad. I have to finish this before Monday.”
“You need to take a break. You’ve haven’t even showered yet,” Quibble started. It was true. His daughter had spent all of yesterday evening trying to get her assignment done. She’d fallen asleep at her desk, and she was at it again at eleven in the morning. She’d even turned down lunch.
Wind Sprint shook her head and kept her eyes on the paper. She’d go back and forth between the textbook, trying to figure things out. She placed her hooves on her head and screamed. “I can’t do this!”
Quibble tilted his head. “Why not?”
“Let’s face it! I’m never going to learn Equestria’s history!” She threw her hooves up in the air. “I give up!”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Quibble eased. “I know you are trying, you just need a break!” Quibble held out his book. “How about I read you a story?”
Wind Sprint turned to him and read the title. “Daring Do and the Pearl of Solomare.” She rolled her eyes and turned back to her assignment. “I’m trying to get a good grade like you and Mom asked, and you suggest Daring Do?” She flipped the page of her textbook. “Don’t you and Mom want me to get good grades?”
“We sure do, but we want you to breathe for a bit.” Quibble flipped the book around and looked at the cover. It had Daring Do with a small pegasus foal named Silica Sand on it. Both of them were soaked through, as they trudged out of the lagoon beach. Daring Do had her hoof extended outwards, reaching for the pegasus as they trotted inland. In the background, crystal blue waters rolled on the shore and a village was tucked in the background at the base of a massive mountain. Looked like just the place to relax and have fun on an adventure.
“One of the special things about this book is that I got this at a shop in Canterlot that usually sells comic books,” Quibble said. “It is also one of my favorites.”
“Woohoo…” Wind Sprint said in a monotone voice.
“Now, Wind Sprint. This book is special- it has an enchantment on it.” Quibble explained, waving his hoof to it. “It will allow us to live the story.”
Wind Sprint spun in her swivel chair towards him. “What?!”
“The enchantment on the book allows us to enter the story,” Quibble said. He felt a smile stretch across his face. “Doesn’t that sound like fun?”
Wind Sprint’s mouth gaped open. “No, Dad. I’m not going to waste time in a book.”
“Oh, that’s just it! Time doesn’t pass in the real world!” Quibble said. “And also, I will be playing as Daring Do, and you will be playing as Silica. We can have some fun on a faraway island with no sense of time!”
“You’ve planned this out, didn’t you?” She frowned and folded her arms. “Is this going to be like the time you tried to have us play buckball in Appleloosa?”
Quibble’s cheeks burned. “Well uh, this is different!”
“How?” Wind Sprint folded her hooves.
“I’ve read the book before so I know what happens in it,” Quibble said. He held the book in front of her. “C’mon! It’ll be fun!”
“Okayyyy.” Wind Sprint hopped out of her chair. “But once this is done, I’m going back to homework, deal?”
“Deal!” Quibble opened the book to the last page. “Ready?”
“As I’ll ever be…” Wind Sprint said.
“Okay!” He read the incantation. “The shores of Palahoof await. Find the Pearl to save your fate. Take a closer look to join the adventure in this book.”
Quibble felt a little light-headed as he felt the spell take hold.
Suddenly, he felt water rush around him. He coughed as he spit out the salt water and wiped his lips. The water receded as he crawled towards the shoreline.
Immediately, he found something wrong. He looked around frantically and spotted a familiar sight. A mare with a purple coat and purple mane with pink highlight approached him. Her mane was ratty as Rainbow’s, but matted against her coat from the seawater. The mare’s safari hat overshadowed him and blocked out the glare of the sun.
The mare held out a hoof to him. “Well, this was unexpected,” the mare spoke. Even though she was older, Quibble could hear the voice of his daughter.
He looked at his own wet hooves. “Fiddlesticks!” Quibble accepted her hoof and stood up. “I don’t understand. Why would the book mix us up? I thought the enchantment would make it so I can be Daring Do.” He brushed off his goldenrod coat. “Besides, that green jacket clashes with your coat.”
Wind Sprint snorted. “We don’t need to worry about fashion right now. Right now, we need to find that Pearl of whatever and―”
“Pearl of Solomare,” Quibble corrected.
“Whatever.” Wind Sprint rolled her eyes. “We need to find it so I can get back to my homework.”
“Geez… you’re in such a rush,” Quibble said.
“Don’t you know what’s going to happen?” Wind asked. “You can lead me through. Get me out of here.”
“With that attitude, you’ll be here forever,” Quibble said. “I think you’ll be able to figure it out, though.”
Wind Sprint frowned. “Why do you think I’ll be able to figure it out? I don’t know a thing about Daring Do, let alone being actually Daring Do!”
“If you don’t do anything, we’ll be stuck this way for a long time,” Quibble said. “I suggest we get a move-on”
“Psh.” Wind Sprint looked around. She pointed to the village. “How about we start there?” she asked. “The natives are bound to know.”
“I don’t know about going there,” Quibble reiterated. “I know what’s going to happen if you approach that village.”
“What?” Wind Sprint said.
“They are going to call us the ‘Cave Demons’. Spears and blowdarts and all that jazz…” Quibble said.
“See? I would’ve already failed!” Wind Sprint sat on her haunches. “I’m no good at this.”
“However, after saving an island princess from getting kidnapped by Kapre, you gain the trust of the village” Quibble added. “Sometimes success disguises itself as a failure up front.”
“Gee, thanks.” Wind Sprint stood up and trotted towards the village. “Let’s get this over with.”
Quibble tagged along by her side. “By the way, we will need to refer to each other as Daring Do and Silica.”
“Why?”
“Continuity.” Quibble said. “It’s only proper.”
As they approached the treeline of the forest, Wind Sprint- or Daring Do took a sniff of the air. “I’d never believe island smells would be so earthy and fresh!”
Quibble- or Silica Sand smiled. “What did I tell you? You might enjoy the break from homework!”
“How come we were on the shore?” Daring Do asked.
“Storm pushed us off the boat a couple hours ago.” Silica said. “I just happen to be that trusty sidekick that happens to be Daring’s sidekick for the story. Got washed off the boat too.”
Daring Do snickered. Quibble couldn’t help but smile. He could only imagine how Daring’s laugh was. The pictures of her smiles on book covers were only transparent. Now, he was experiencing it- here and now.
“Halt!” A gruff voice shouted. The earth pony jumped from behind a tree, lifting a spear towards the two of them.
“Run!” Silica screamed.
Daring Do bolted for the forest, before grinding her hooves to a halt. Three earth ponies with bamboo rods in their mouths aimed for Daring.
“Don’t move! Blowdarts!” Silica warned.
Daring froze in place, she glanced about, spinning in confusion as she was surrounded by earth ponies.
“Your kind are not welcome here,” an Earth Pony with a hat made of bamboo and feathers said as he pointed a spear at Daring. A whole gathering of earth ponies surrounded them with spears.
“We’re just travelers, looking for a way back to our boat,” Silica explained.
“You Cave Demons! Always tricking us out of our treasures! Yesterday you robbed us of our Pearl!” the earth pony shouted. “You have caused our village enough grief! Back to the caves with you!”
The other earth ponies grumbled, chirped, and hooted.
Suddenly, a middle-aged earth pony stepped forward. “Chief Tides, I suggest we hold these Cave Demons captive. If they are allowed to return to the nest, the Mamabarang will only have more servants to cause mischief in our village.”
The earth pony with the bamboo and feathers nodded. “You do have a point, Sea Nets. They’ve already stolen the pearl, only dark imaginations—”
“Wait… a pearl? Where is this pearl?” Daring asked.
“Down in River Caves where the Mamabarang took it,” another earth pony said.
“Mamabarang?” Daring asked.
“A witch that lives in the Caves. They believe she has the power to control insects.” Silica cut in.
“That was easy.” Daring smiled as she turned towards Silica. Her wings fanned out. “Let’s go to the caves now and retrieve that pearl!” She flew upward.
Quibble tried his best to fly upward. This was the first time he had wings. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing to have his daughter play as Daring Do. Suddenly, his wing cramped and he fell back down after hovering in the air.
He smiled nervously at the earth pony natives.
Daring Do swooped down and snagged him.
“Thanks. Still trying to get used to the wings,” he said as his breath was stolen away by the expanse of the beauty of the bird’s eye view. The crystalline blue waters washing up on the black volcanic sand. The view of the palm treetops, and the lush grass covering the plains by the village.
Suddenly, he felt a jolt of unsteadiness in Daring.
“You okay, Daring?” He asked.
Daring looked at the ridge of her wing. In it, a red feather with a jagged end nestled.
Quibble felt his tiny heart drop. Like a roller coaster after reaching its peak, he felt a dramatic drop in altitude. He looked over to find Daring with her eyes closed and her wings and hooves limp.
“Nonono! This can’t be happening!” Quibble panicked. He wrestled out of her grasp. He took hoof of Daring’s hoof and spread his wings. With all his might, he pulled as hard as he could, trying to slow their fall.
With the view of the Palm trees coming in view, he quickly braced himself.
The leaves of the palm whacked him in the face and barrel and legs. Thankfully, the palm tree bent as they caught onto the leaves. With the last bit of strength he had, he glided towards the ground with Daring, who was fast asleep.
As soon as he hit the grass, spears surrounded him.
How could he deviate from the storyline? The one time he tried to let Wind Sprint lead in combination of the spoiler, he managed to land himself behind bars. Because of his oversight, and not letting the story take its course, he was facing scratches and cuts from the crash course in flying he had earlier.
Quibble set his small hoof on the rungs of the bar.
He remembered the feeling- of flying- never before had he experienced such a rush- such an exhilaration, only to be cut short because he underestimated the range that the natives could shoot. Not to mention the Princess was still out there- still in trouble. It’d be only an hour before—
“Rusty Iron, we need to help find the Princess!” An Earth Pony peeked into the hut.
“What about the prisoners?” Rusty Iron waved to them.
Quibble gulped. Daring snored away.
“They’re not going anywhere. Besides, we might catch more Cave Demons!” the earth pony said. “Orders from the top.”
The jailkeeper set his key on a hook and glared at Silica. He grabbed his spear and charged out of the hut.
“Professor Do! Professor Do!” Quibble said as he shook the mare awake.
“Five more minutes, dad,” Daring said in a sleepy tone before rolling over.
Suddenly, Daring surged upwards like a vam-pony from a coffin. “Wait! I’m still here!” She turned to Silica. “You’re still here!”
“If we act now, we can get out of this cell!” Silica whispered. “My wings are too small to reach the keys. Can you get them for me?”
Daring folded her arms. “Remember the time you refused to get the cookie jar for me?”
Quibble froze. “Now, Wind. This is different.”
“How is this different?” Daring smirked. “I know how this would play out. You ask for help, and I ignore it.”
“It doesn’t work that way!” Quibble reasoned. “This is a necessity! We are facing the reality that we might not be getting out here!”
“I find it funny that you are now the foal and I’m the grown-up.” Daring said.
“Wind- listen to me!” Quibble shouted.
“Nope.” Daring said, resting her head back and pulling her hooves behind her head.
“Daring!” Quibble shouted.
Daring sat up. “Look, dad. I asked for help before- even with stuff you wanted me to get done. At this point, I’ve given up trying.”
Quibble’s mouth gaped open. Then shut.
DAring smirked again, then laid back on the cot. “Can’t beat this though. A room with the smell of fresh air, firewood, and a tinge of salty sea. Ah!”
Suddenly, he heard some bickering outside.
“Dad! I want to fight!” An earth pony colt said as he appeared in front of the hut.
“Stay behind, Manta Ray!” A gruff stallion called back. “You’re too young!”
“But!” Manta Ray started.
“Stay!”
Pouting, Manta Ray kicked a stick out of the way and sat on his haunches.
Quibble stirred a little, but figured that this was his only chance. “Psst! Psst!”
The colt’s head spun towards the hut. “Hello?” He called in with a quivering voice.
“Can you come and help me and Daring out?” Quibble asked.
“Aren’t you those Cave Demons that the village captured?” Manta Ray asked.
“There’s been a misunderstanding.” Quibble said. “Besides, I know you want to help, I can show you where the Princess is!”
“Really?” Manta Ray shuffled his white hooves and shook his jet black tail. He trotted inside. “Woah, I’ve never seen Cave Demons like you before!”
“We aren’t Cave Demons!” Quibble said. “I’m Silica Sand, this is Daring Do! We were tossed off our boat during a storm.”
“Oh!” Manta Ray nabbed the keyring. “Why didn’t you tell me you were from a different island?” He proceeded to unlock the door.
Swinging it open, Quibble slipped out through the opening. Daring Do hopped up and grumbled.
“Okay, you win,” Wind Sprint said. “Good job, D—”
“Halt! Manta Ray! What are you doing!?” Another earth pony said.
“Quick! Daring!” Quibble said. “Out!”
As Daring Do tried to proceed out, the earth pony lunged at them, trying to grab Silica. Silica dove underneath a stool. But in the process, the earth pony slipped and ran into the door, slamming it shut. Daring Do winced as the door almost pinched her.
“Run, Silica!” Daring Do called out.
“But!” Silica dove again, this time narrowly missing the grasp of the earth pony.
“Go! Now! Save the Princess!” Daring Do shouted.
Silica dove for the exit of the hut. Suddenly, he felt the grasp of hooves on his barrel. In response, the first thing he could think of when he first grabbed Wind to send her to her room: He bit the earth pony.
The earth pony’s grip loosened, just giving him enough leeway to squirm out and make a run for it.
He dove for the trees, crying and afraid of what was going to happen to his daughter. It was crazy that she already told him to abandon her to save the Princess.
Suddenly, Manta Ray joined his side. “Where’s the Princess?”
The screams got louder and louder as they came closer.
“Princess?” Manta Ray asked.
“Eeyup,” he answered.
They came to a clearing, where the sight was one to behold. A mare was backed up against a gnarled cluster of trees. Her dress was tattered and torn, exposing thick threads of different shades of brown and tan. It was adorned by dark wooden beads about her waist, crests of the Chieftain’s family on the island.
In front of her, an equine-like creature slowly prowled its way up to her. Its entire body was a complex matrix of branches that twisted and popped every time it took a step forward. It had sunken pits for eyes with an ominous green glow emanating from the inside. As it growled, it spat out bits of fire, which caused the grass undergrowth of the forest to shrivel up and turn to ash.
“Charming,” Quibble commented. “Kapre are more terrifying than I imagined.” He turned to Manta “How hard can you kick?”
“Uh, I don’t know… maybe enough to knock coconuts out of a tree?” Manta balked. “Why?”
“Probably better than I can.” Silica said. “Look, since I don’t have Daring to deliver a swift blow, I think you can do better than I can.” He ducked. “Here’s the plan, I’ll lead it towards the water. On my signal, I want you to kick it into the sea as hard as you can.”
“Gotcha. What’s the signal?” Manta Ray asked.
“You’ll know. Just watch me.” He instructed.
Quibble looked around and picked up a huge rock. He slowly lifted it up and chucked it at the creature.
The creature’s ear perked up as the stone glanced off it’s coat. It spun towards him, eyes glowing like Froggy Bottom bog and mouth torching in incendiary.
Quibble sprinted towards the direction of the beach. Though he wasn’t athletic, he knew that this meant life or death now. Through the trees, he was able to glide through the clearings since the trees were spaced far enough apart. Soon, he was able to taste the freedom of the salty air and the chill of the ocean breeze.
He ran towards the direction of a dilapidated pier and skipped across the gaps and rotting wood. As soon as he felt the burn of fire breathing on his flank, he jumped into the water.
Down and down he sunk and then he burst up through the waves. Without opening his eyes, he lifted a hoof up and shouted “NOW!”
He hear the creature yelp and whimper after a the sound of a thump. A splash later, the creature whimpered and cried.
Quibble took this as an opportunity to rub the saltwater away from his eyes. As he opened them, he saw the creature trying to claw its way out of the water, grabbing onto rotting wood of the pier as it splintered and cracked under the creature’s weight. It was far-enough away that Quibble could swim to shore.
Manta Ray held a hoof at the edge of the shore. He decided to swim towards him.
He thought of his new fictional friendship he just made. Manta Ray was just an earth pony colt that A.K. Yearling mentioned in passing. Perhaps that the author unintentionally created a side character with a personality free of the iron-fist of the prose. All this was unplanned, unscripted.
As he got closer, he saw the Princess standing just outside the treeline, watching closely.
The Kapre fled from them in the background, retreating at the far end of the beach, behind an outcropping of jagged volcanic rocks.
Quibble accepted Manta Ray’s hoof. “How come they hate water?” he asked.
“They are a tree that feeds off fire,” Quibble said. “Something about their food sources being Santelmo, or an island form of Will-O-Wisp.”
Suddenly, out of the forest, came many earth ponies holding spears and blowdarts. The Chief approached Manta and Quibble. The Princess trotted to his side.
The Chief grunted. “After talking with the Princess about your act of heroism, I realize that you and your friend don’t mean any ill towards our people.” He bowed. “I apologize for any wrongs I’ve caused upon you.”
The village was in commotion as the Chief pranced about town telling every villager of the events that had taken place on the west beach. Quibble got a ton of weary looks here and there, but he didn’t mind. After all, the amazing Daring Do and her trusty sidekick—
Immediately, Quibble felt his heart slump in his chest. A heavy atmosphere gathered around him, even while greeting the crowd, he still couldn’t shake the feeling that Wind Sprint spent all her time in a jail cell.
The Chief smiled and hugged the Princess. “I’m so glad you’re safe!”
Quibble couldn’t bear to look. He’d failed as a father. This was supposed to be a bonding moment, but instead, he had to take it all away.
“So, Princess, how come a Kapre was chasing after you in the first place?” Manta Ray asked.
Before the Princess could answer, Quibble cut in “She was going to enter the caves to take back the Pearl.”
The Princess shut her mouth. Her eyes widened and darted about nervously.
The Chief grumbled. “You mean to tell me you’ve run off to try to get back the Pearl? You’ve could’ve died in those caves! Let alone Kapre!”
Quibble clicked his tongue as he cut in. “Chief, if I may interject, but your daughter just wanted to show you that she could do things that you said she couldn’t do.”
“Still though, that was a very dangerous task.” He turned to her. “All I want is to keep you safe, is it too much for her to stay in one place?”
His heart broke for the third time. Those words that came out of his mouth, he needed to know. He wasn’t exactly practicing what he was preaching.
“Now, can you release my friend, Daring?” he asked. “We need to find a way out of here.”
The door of the jail cell swung open.
“You’re free to go,” Iron Bars said. “Now get out.”
Daring sighed as she trotted out. “Did you save the Princess?”
“Yes. But that’s not important right now,” Quibble answered. “But what about you, how are you feeling?”
“Better. I’ve had a long break.” She stretched. “Anyways, what’s next on the agenda?”
“River Caves,” Quibble answered. “We’d better get headed out. We need to get there before nightfall.”
“Okay.” Daring Do fixed her hat. “Let’s do it then.”
Quibble happily trotted to her side. She seemed happy, but at the same time, he felt something wasn’t right.
Daring Do caught Silica staring at her. “How was you adventure saving the Princess?” she asked as she trotted down the trail towards the forest.
“Great. I can tell you about it on the way.” Quibble said. “Stop there though.”
Daring halted. “Why?”
He pointed a hoof due east of them. “The River Caves are that way.”
“Right.” Daring Do turned towards the east.
As she trotted down the path, right before they entered the trees, Quibble said. “Wind Sprint?”
Daring Do turned towards Silica. “Yes, Dad?” she asked.
“I’m sorry for running off without you.” he said. “I know we were supposed to save the Princess together.”
“You’re fine, dad.” Wind Sprint answered. “I’m sorry for being mean back in the cell to you.”
“It’s not your fault.” Quibble answered. He held out a hoof. “Hugs?”
Daring Do smiled. “Hugs!” She leaned in and embraced Silica. Quibble awkwardly tried to hug his daughter, who was now bigger than her.
The light of the sun was now turning golden as it neared the horizon. The trees casting shadows onto the walls of the mountain every so often.
“Also, I have one more favor to ask, Wind Sprint. Just once? For a cookie out of the cookie jar?”
Daring Do smiled. “Sure.”
“Can you teach me to fly? I need some practice if we are going into the caves.” he said. “Puzzles and whatnot, you know…”
Quibble looked at the clock. Three in the afternoon, and Wind didn’t do as much as take a break. She told Clear Sky that she was too busy trying to figure it out. He picked up the book off his desk and took a deep breath. His heart was beating out of his chest, but he needed to do this. Otherwise the book would’ve been a total waste.
He tip-hooved through the hallway. As he did, he smelled the book as he held it in his hooves. Ah, the smell of new paper and printing. Always seemed to calm him. Made it seem like a new beginning each time, a journey.
He slipped into his daughter’s room and tapped on the doorframe.
Wind Sprint didn’t take her eyes off the paper on her desk. “Not now, Dad. I have to finish this before Monday.”
“You need to take a break. You’ve haven’t even showered yet,” Quibble started. It was true. His daughter had spent all of yesterday evening trying to get her assignment done. She’d fallen asleep at her desk, and she was at it again at eleven in the morning. She’d even turned down lunch.
Wind Sprint shook her head and kept her eyes on the paper. She’d go back and forth between the textbook, trying to figure things out. She placed her hooves on her head and screamed. “I can’t do this!”
Quibble tilted his head. “Why not?”
“Let’s face it! I’m never going to learn Equestria’s history!” She threw her hooves up in the air. “I give up!”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Quibble eased. “I know you are trying, you just need a break!” Quibble held out his book. “How about I read you a story?”
Wind Sprint turned to him and read the title. “Daring Do and the Pearl of Solomare.” She rolled her eyes and turned back to her assignment. “I’m trying to get a good grade like you and Mom asked, and you suggest Daring Do?” She flipped the page of her textbook. “Don’t you and Mom want me to get good grades?”
“We sure do, but we want you to breathe for a bit.” Quibble flipped the book around and looked at the cover. It had Daring Do with a small pegasus foal named Silica Sand on it. Both of them were soaked through, as they trudged out of the lagoon beach. Daring Do had her hoof extended outwards, reaching for the pegasus as they trotted inland. In the background, crystal blue waters rolled on the shore and a village was tucked in the background at the base of a massive mountain. Looked like just the place to relax and have fun on an adventure.
“One of the special things about this book is that I got this at a shop in Canterlot that usually sells comic books,” Quibble said. “It is also one of my favorites.”
“Woohoo…” Wind Sprint said in a monotone voice.
“Now, Wind Sprint. This book is special- it has an enchantment on it.” Quibble explained, waving his hoof to it. “It will allow us to live the story.”
Wind Sprint spun in her swivel chair towards him. “What?!”
“The enchantment on the book allows us to enter the story,” Quibble said. He felt a smile stretch across his face. “Doesn’t that sound like fun?”
Wind Sprint’s mouth gaped open. “No, Dad. I’m not going to waste time in a book.”
“Oh, that’s just it! Time doesn’t pass in the real world!” Quibble said. “And also, I will be playing as Daring Do, and you will be playing as Silica. We can have some fun on a faraway island with no sense of time!”
“You’ve planned this out, didn’t you?” She frowned and folded her arms. “Is this going to be like the time you tried to have us play buckball in Appleloosa?”
Quibble’s cheeks burned. “Well uh, this is different!”
“How?” Wind Sprint folded her hooves.
“I’ve read the book before so I know what happens in it,” Quibble said. He held the book in front of her. “C’mon! It’ll be fun!”
“Okayyyy.” Wind Sprint hopped out of her chair. “But once this is done, I’m going back to homework, deal?”
“Deal!” Quibble opened the book to the last page. “Ready?”
“As I’ll ever be…” Wind Sprint said.
“Okay!” He read the incantation. “The shores of Palahoof await. Find the Pearl to save your fate. Take a closer look to join the adventure in this book.”
Quibble felt a little light-headed as he felt the spell take hold.
Suddenly, he felt water rush around him. He coughed as he spit out the salt water and wiped his lips. The water receded as he crawled towards the shoreline.
Immediately, he found something wrong. He looked around frantically and spotted a familiar sight. A mare with a purple coat and purple mane with pink highlight approached him. Her mane was ratty as Rainbow’s, but matted against her coat from the seawater. The mare’s safari hat overshadowed him and blocked out the glare of the sun.
The mare held out a hoof to him. “Well, this was unexpected,” the mare spoke. Even though she was older, Quibble could hear the voice of his daughter.
He looked at his own wet hooves. “Fiddlesticks!” Quibble accepted her hoof and stood up. “I don’t understand. Why would the book mix us up? I thought the enchantment would make it so I can be Daring Do.” He brushed off his goldenrod coat. “Besides, that green jacket clashes with your coat.”
Wind Sprint snorted. “We don’t need to worry about fashion right now. Right now, we need to find that Pearl of whatever and―”
“Pearl of Solomare,” Quibble corrected.
“Whatever.” Wind Sprint rolled her eyes. “We need to find it so I can get back to my homework.”
“Geez… you’re in such a rush,” Quibble said.
“Don’t you know what’s going to happen?” Wind asked. “You can lead me through. Get me out of here.”
“With that attitude, you’ll be here forever,” Quibble said. “I think you’ll be able to figure it out, though.”
Wind Sprint frowned. “Why do you think I’ll be able to figure it out? I don’t know a thing about Daring Do, let alone being actually Daring Do!”
“If you don’t do anything, we’ll be stuck this way for a long time,” Quibble said. “I suggest we get a move-on”
“Psh.” Wind Sprint looked around. She pointed to the village. “How about we start there?” she asked. “The natives are bound to know.”
“I don’t know about going there,” Quibble reiterated. “I know what’s going to happen if you approach that village.”
“What?” Wind Sprint said.
“They are going to call us the ‘Cave Demons’. Spears and blowdarts and all that jazz…” Quibble said.
“See? I would’ve already failed!” Wind Sprint sat on her haunches. “I’m no good at this.”
“However, after saving an island princess from getting kidnapped by Kapre, you gain the trust of the village” Quibble added. “Sometimes success disguises itself as a failure up front.”
“Gee, thanks.” Wind Sprint stood up and trotted towards the village. “Let’s get this over with.”
Quibble tagged along by her side. “By the way, we will need to refer to each other as Daring Do and Silica.”
“Why?”
“Continuity.” Quibble said. “It’s only proper.”
As they approached the treeline of the forest, Wind Sprint- or Daring Do took a sniff of the air. “I’d never believe island smells would be so earthy and fresh!”
Quibble- or Silica Sand smiled. “What did I tell you? You might enjoy the break from homework!”
“How come we were on the shore?” Daring Do asked.
“Storm pushed us off the boat a couple hours ago.” Silica said. “I just happen to be that trusty sidekick that happens to be Daring’s sidekick for the story. Got washed off the boat too.”
Daring Do snickered. Quibble couldn’t help but smile. He could only imagine how Daring’s laugh was. The pictures of her smiles on book covers were only transparent. Now, he was experiencing it- here and now.
“Halt!” A gruff voice shouted. The earth pony jumped from behind a tree, lifting a spear towards the two of them.
“Run!” Silica screamed.
Daring Do bolted for the forest, before grinding her hooves to a halt. Three earth ponies with bamboo rods in their mouths aimed for Daring.
“Don’t move! Blowdarts!” Silica warned.
Daring froze in place, she glanced about, spinning in confusion as she was surrounded by earth ponies.
“Your kind are not welcome here,” an Earth Pony with a hat made of bamboo and feathers said as he pointed a spear at Daring. A whole gathering of earth ponies surrounded them with spears.
“We’re just travelers, looking for a way back to our boat,” Silica explained.
“You Cave Demons! Always tricking us out of our treasures! Yesterday you robbed us of our Pearl!” the earth pony shouted. “You have caused our village enough grief! Back to the caves with you!”
The other earth ponies grumbled, chirped, and hooted.
Suddenly, a middle-aged earth pony stepped forward. “Chief Tides, I suggest we hold these Cave Demons captive. If they are allowed to return to the nest, the Mamabarang will only have more servants to cause mischief in our village.”
The earth pony with the bamboo and feathers nodded. “You do have a point, Sea Nets. They’ve already stolen the pearl, only dark imaginations—”
“Wait… a pearl? Where is this pearl?” Daring asked.
“Down in River Caves where the Mamabarang took it,” another earth pony said.
“Mamabarang?” Daring asked.
“A witch that lives in the Caves. They believe she has the power to control insects.” Silica cut in.
“That was easy.” Daring smiled as she turned towards Silica. Her wings fanned out. “Let’s go to the caves now and retrieve that pearl!” She flew upward.
Quibble tried his best to fly upward. This was the first time he had wings. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing to have his daughter play as Daring Do. Suddenly, his wing cramped and he fell back down after hovering in the air.
He smiled nervously at the earth pony natives.
Daring Do swooped down and snagged him.
“Thanks. Still trying to get used to the wings,” he said as his breath was stolen away by the expanse of the beauty of the bird’s eye view. The crystalline blue waters washing up on the black volcanic sand. The view of the palm treetops, and the lush grass covering the plains by the village.
Suddenly, he felt a jolt of unsteadiness in Daring.
“You okay, Daring?” He asked.
Daring looked at the ridge of her wing. In it, a red feather with a jagged end nestled.
Quibble felt his tiny heart drop. Like a roller coaster after reaching its peak, he felt a dramatic drop in altitude. He looked over to find Daring with her eyes closed and her wings and hooves limp.
“Nonono! This can’t be happening!” Quibble panicked. He wrestled out of her grasp. He took hoof of Daring’s hoof and spread his wings. With all his might, he pulled as hard as he could, trying to slow their fall.
With the view of the Palm trees coming in view, he quickly braced himself.
The leaves of the palm whacked him in the face and barrel and legs. Thankfully, the palm tree bent as they caught onto the leaves. With the last bit of strength he had, he glided towards the ground with Daring, who was fast asleep.
As soon as he hit the grass, spears surrounded him.
How could he deviate from the storyline? The one time he tried to let Wind Sprint lead in combination of the spoiler, he managed to land himself behind bars. Because of his oversight, and not letting the story take its course, he was facing scratches and cuts from the crash course in flying he had earlier.
Quibble set his small hoof on the rungs of the bar.
He remembered the feeling- of flying- never before had he experienced such a rush- such an exhilaration, only to be cut short because he underestimated the range that the natives could shoot. Not to mention the Princess was still out there- still in trouble. It’d be only an hour before—
“Rusty Iron, we need to help find the Princess!” An Earth Pony peeked into the hut.
“What about the prisoners?” Rusty Iron waved to them.
Quibble gulped. Daring snored away.
“They’re not going anywhere. Besides, we might catch more Cave Demons!” the earth pony said. “Orders from the top.”
The jailkeeper set his key on a hook and glared at Silica. He grabbed his spear and charged out of the hut.
“Professor Do! Professor Do!” Quibble said as he shook the mare awake.
“Five more minutes, dad,” Daring said in a sleepy tone before rolling over.
Suddenly, Daring surged upwards like a vam-pony from a coffin. “Wait! I’m still here!” She turned to Silica. “You’re still here!”
“If we act now, we can get out of this cell!” Silica whispered. “My wings are too small to reach the keys. Can you get them for me?”
Daring folded her arms. “Remember the time you refused to get the cookie jar for me?”
Quibble froze. “Now, Wind. This is different.”
“How is this different?” Daring smirked. “I know how this would play out. You ask for help, and I ignore it.”
“It doesn’t work that way!” Quibble reasoned. “This is a necessity! We are facing the reality that we might not be getting out here!”
“I find it funny that you are now the foal and I’m the grown-up.” Daring said.
“Wind- listen to me!” Quibble shouted.
“Nope.” Daring said, resting her head back and pulling her hooves behind her head.
“Daring!” Quibble shouted.
Daring sat up. “Look, dad. I asked for help before- even with stuff you wanted me to get done. At this point, I’ve given up trying.”
Quibble’s mouth gaped open. Then shut.
DAring smirked again, then laid back on the cot. “Can’t beat this though. A room with the smell of fresh air, firewood, and a tinge of salty sea. Ah!”
Suddenly, he heard some bickering outside.
“Dad! I want to fight!” An earth pony colt said as he appeared in front of the hut.
“Stay behind, Manta Ray!” A gruff stallion called back. “You’re too young!”
“But!” Manta Ray started.
“Stay!”
Pouting, Manta Ray kicked a stick out of the way and sat on his haunches.
Quibble stirred a little, but figured that this was his only chance. “Psst! Psst!”
The colt’s head spun towards the hut. “Hello?” He called in with a quivering voice.
“Can you come and help me and Daring out?” Quibble asked.
“Aren’t you those Cave Demons that the village captured?” Manta Ray asked.
“There’s been a misunderstanding.” Quibble said. “Besides, I know you want to help, I can show you where the Princess is!”
“Really?” Manta Ray shuffled his white hooves and shook his jet black tail. He trotted inside. “Woah, I’ve never seen Cave Demons like you before!”
“We aren’t Cave Demons!” Quibble said. “I’m Silica Sand, this is Daring Do! We were tossed off our boat during a storm.”
“Oh!” Manta Ray nabbed the keyring. “Why didn’t you tell me you were from a different island?” He proceeded to unlock the door.
Swinging it open, Quibble slipped out through the opening. Daring Do hopped up and grumbled.
“Okay, you win,” Wind Sprint said. “Good job, D—”
“Halt! Manta Ray! What are you doing!?” Another earth pony said.
“Quick! Daring!” Quibble said. “Out!”
As Daring Do tried to proceed out, the earth pony lunged at them, trying to grab Silica. Silica dove underneath a stool. But in the process, the earth pony slipped and ran into the door, slamming it shut. Daring Do winced as the door almost pinched her.
“Run, Silica!” Daring Do called out.
“But!” Silica dove again, this time narrowly missing the grasp of the earth pony.
“Go! Now! Save the Princess!” Daring Do shouted.
Silica dove for the exit of the hut. Suddenly, he felt the grasp of hooves on his barrel. In response, the first thing he could think of when he first grabbed Wind to send her to her room: He bit the earth pony.
The earth pony’s grip loosened, just giving him enough leeway to squirm out and make a run for it.
He dove for the trees, crying and afraid of what was going to happen to his daughter. It was crazy that she already told him to abandon her to save the Princess.
Suddenly, Manta Ray joined his side. “Where’s the Princess?”
The screams got louder and louder as they came closer.
“Princess?” Manta Ray asked.
“Eeyup,” he answered.
They came to a clearing, where the sight was one to behold. A mare was backed up against a gnarled cluster of trees. Her dress was tattered and torn, exposing thick threads of different shades of brown and tan. It was adorned by dark wooden beads about her waist, crests of the Chieftain’s family on the island.
In front of her, an equine-like creature slowly prowled its way up to her. Its entire body was a complex matrix of branches that twisted and popped every time it took a step forward. It had sunken pits for eyes with an ominous green glow emanating from the inside. As it growled, it spat out bits of fire, which caused the grass undergrowth of the forest to shrivel up and turn to ash.
“Charming,” Quibble commented. “Kapre are more terrifying than I imagined.” He turned to Manta “How hard can you kick?”
“Uh, I don’t know… maybe enough to knock coconuts out of a tree?” Manta balked. “Why?”
“Probably better than I can.” Silica said. “Look, since I don’t have Daring to deliver a swift blow, I think you can do better than I can.” He ducked. “Here’s the plan, I’ll lead it towards the water. On my signal, I want you to kick it into the sea as hard as you can.”
“Gotcha. What’s the signal?” Manta Ray asked.
“You’ll know. Just watch me.” He instructed.
Quibble looked around and picked up a huge rock. He slowly lifted it up and chucked it at the creature.
The creature’s ear perked up as the stone glanced off it’s coat. It spun towards him, eyes glowing like Froggy Bottom bog and mouth torching in incendiary.
Quibble sprinted towards the direction of the beach. Though he wasn’t athletic, he knew that this meant life or death now. Through the trees, he was able to glide through the clearings since the trees were spaced far enough apart. Soon, he was able to taste the freedom of the salty air and the chill of the ocean breeze.
He ran towards the direction of a dilapidated pier and skipped across the gaps and rotting wood. As soon as he felt the burn of fire breathing on his flank, he jumped into the water.
Down and down he sunk and then he burst up through the waves. Without opening his eyes, he lifted a hoof up and shouted “NOW!”
He hear the creature yelp and whimper after a the sound of a thump. A splash later, the creature whimpered and cried.
Quibble took this as an opportunity to rub the saltwater away from his eyes. As he opened them, he saw the creature trying to claw its way out of the water, grabbing onto rotting wood of the pier as it splintered and cracked under the creature’s weight. It was far-enough away that Quibble could swim to shore.
Manta Ray held a hoof at the edge of the shore. He decided to swim towards him.
He thought of his new fictional friendship he just made. Manta Ray was just an earth pony colt that A.K. Yearling mentioned in passing. Perhaps that the author unintentionally created a side character with a personality free of the iron-fist of the prose. All this was unplanned, unscripted.
As he got closer, he saw the Princess standing just outside the treeline, watching closely.
The Kapre fled from them in the background, retreating at the far end of the beach, behind an outcropping of jagged volcanic rocks.
Quibble accepted Manta Ray’s hoof. “How come they hate water?” he asked.
“They are a tree that feeds off fire,” Quibble said. “Something about their food sources being Santelmo, or an island form of Will-O-Wisp.”
Suddenly, out of the forest, came many earth ponies holding spears and blowdarts. The Chief approached Manta and Quibble. The Princess trotted to his side.
The Chief grunted. “After talking with the Princess about your act of heroism, I realize that you and your friend don’t mean any ill towards our people.” He bowed. “I apologize for any wrongs I’ve caused upon you.”
The village was in commotion as the Chief pranced about town telling every villager of the events that had taken place on the west beach. Quibble got a ton of weary looks here and there, but he didn’t mind. After all, the amazing Daring Do and her trusty sidekick—
Immediately, Quibble felt his heart slump in his chest. A heavy atmosphere gathered around him, even while greeting the crowd, he still couldn’t shake the feeling that Wind Sprint spent all her time in a jail cell.
The Chief smiled and hugged the Princess. “I’m so glad you’re safe!”
Quibble couldn’t bear to look. He’d failed as a father. This was supposed to be a bonding moment, but instead, he had to take it all away.
“So, Princess, how come a Kapre was chasing after you in the first place?” Manta Ray asked.
Before the Princess could answer, Quibble cut in “She was going to enter the caves to take back the Pearl.”
The Princess shut her mouth. Her eyes widened and darted about nervously.
The Chief grumbled. “You mean to tell me you’ve run off to try to get back the Pearl? You’ve could’ve died in those caves! Let alone Kapre!”
Quibble clicked his tongue as he cut in. “Chief, if I may interject, but your daughter just wanted to show you that she could do things that you said she couldn’t do.”
“Still though, that was a very dangerous task.” He turned to her. “All I want is to keep you safe, is it too much for her to stay in one place?”
His heart broke for the third time. Those words that came out of his mouth, he needed to know. He wasn’t exactly practicing what he was preaching.
“Now, can you release my friend, Daring?” he asked. “We need to find a way out of here.”
The door of the jail cell swung open.
“You’re free to go,” Iron Bars said. “Now get out.”
Daring sighed as she trotted out. “Did you save the Princess?”
“Yes. But that’s not important right now,” Quibble answered. “But what about you, how are you feeling?”
“Better. I’ve had a long break.” She stretched. “Anyways, what’s next on the agenda?”
“River Caves,” Quibble answered. “We’d better get headed out. We need to get there before nightfall.”
“Okay.” Daring Do fixed her hat. “Let’s do it then.”
Quibble happily trotted to her side. She seemed happy, but at the same time, he felt something wasn’t right.
Daring Do caught Silica staring at her. “How was you adventure saving the Princess?” she asked as she trotted down the trail towards the forest.
“Great. I can tell you about it on the way.” Quibble said. “Stop there though.”
Daring halted. “Why?”
He pointed a hoof due east of them. “The River Caves are that way.”
“Right.” Daring Do turned towards the east.
As she trotted down the path, right before they entered the trees, Quibble said. “Wind Sprint?”
Daring Do turned towards Silica. “Yes, Dad?” she asked.
“I’m sorry for running off without you.” he said. “I know we were supposed to save the Princess together.”
“You’re fine, dad.” Wind Sprint answered. “I’m sorry for being mean back in the cell to you.”
“It’s not your fault.” Quibble answered. He held out a hoof. “Hugs?”
Daring Do smiled. “Hugs!” She leaned in and embraced Silica. Quibble awkwardly tried to hug his daughter, who was now bigger than her.
The light of the sun was now turning golden as it neared the horizon. The trees casting shadows onto the walls of the mountain every so often.
“Also, I have one more favor to ask, Wind Sprint. Just once? For a cookie out of the cookie jar?”
Daring Do smiled. “Sure.”
“Can you teach me to fly? I need some practice if we are going into the caves.” he said. “Puzzles and whatnot, you know…”
There's a lot of signs of a rush-job in this story, Author. Typos, breakneck pacing, and there's a bit around the middle where the dialogue punctuation starts going rogue. But there's no need to bang on about that stuff.
I really like the concept. Lord knows, at the end of Quibble's episode, it wasn't like his relationship with Wind Sprint was made perfect and would continue to be perfect forever. There's lots of room to continue butting their heads together, and an interactive book makes for a great way for them to learn lessons about each other.
I'm a little confused as to the message of this story, though, Author, because the opening scene doesn't really relate to the resolution. I feel this is another symptom of rushing, but since it's so important to get that right, I wanted to point it out. It was a little weird to drop Wind out of the story for the final battle and the climax. The lesson appears to be for Quibble, to not run off on his own when he has a step-daughter to raise, but that's not really present throughout the story. Indeed, he seems to be doing a lot to get them to bond, so when he runs off to continue the story it felt a little OOC for who he'd been leading up to that moment. Why even continue the story if the entire point was to hang out with Wind?
Another thing I want to mention is that the rules aren't terribly clear with this book. Who can you interact with? How much of this story is set in stone, and how much of it is a choose-your-own-adventure? What happens if you die?
Last thing I want to mention is that I think you can tell the in-book story through "Daring and Silica" or "Wind and Quibble", but not both. I really liked how you did this...
...because it reminds us who's who, and acts as a transition from calling them Quibble and Wind to Silica and Daring. But after that, I recommend no longer calling them Quibble and Wind. It was tough to walk through the scenes when the character names kept flip-flopping.
I hope that all helps! Thanks for entering and best of luck in the shakedown!
I really like the concept. Lord knows, at the end of Quibble's episode, it wasn't like his relationship with Wind Sprint was made perfect and would continue to be perfect forever. There's lots of room to continue butting their heads together, and an interactive book makes for a great way for them to learn lessons about each other.
I'm a little confused as to the message of this story, though, Author, because the opening scene doesn't really relate to the resolution. I feel this is another symptom of rushing, but since it's so important to get that right, I wanted to point it out. It was a little weird to drop Wind out of the story for the final battle and the climax. The lesson appears to be for Quibble, to not run off on his own when he has a step-daughter to raise, but that's not really present throughout the story. Indeed, he seems to be doing a lot to get them to bond, so when he runs off to continue the story it felt a little OOC for who he'd been leading up to that moment. Why even continue the story if the entire point was to hang out with Wind?
Another thing I want to mention is that the rules aren't terribly clear with this book. Who can you interact with? How much of this story is set in stone, and how much of it is a choose-your-own-adventure? What happens if you die?
Last thing I want to mention is that I think you can tell the in-book story through "Daring and Silica" or "Wind and Quibble", but not both. I really liked how you did this...
As they approached the treeline of the forest, Wind Sprint- or Daring Do took a sniff of the air. “I’d never believe island smells would be so earthy and fresh!”
Quibble- or Silica Sand smiled. “What did I tell you? You might enjoy the break from homework!”
...because it reminds us who's who, and acts as a transition from calling them Quibble and Wind to Silica and Daring. But after that, I recommend no longer calling them Quibble and Wind. It was tough to walk through the scenes when the character names kept flip-flopping.
I hope that all helps! Thanks for entering and best of luck in the shakedown!
As always:
>>Miller Minus has a lot of good points, author. I'll focus my suggestion on each characters' motivation and payoff. What do Quibble and Wind think they want at the beginning of the story? How does that differ from what they actually need? And how do they get what they actually need at the end?
'Cause you've got a suggestion of that going on--what Wind thinks she wants is to be left alone to finish her homework; what she actually needs is a break; and she gets that break when, as Daring Do, she's captured and has to spend her time locked in a "room with the smell of fresh air, firewood, and a tinge of salty sea." I'd suggest strengthening that and giving Quibble a parallel set of want, actual need, and final fulfillment. I don't know what that would be: he wants to help Wind relax; he needs an adventure of his own; and he gets that adventure when he has to step in and take over the book's storyline? Something at any rate to give them each what they need instead of what they think they want so they're both happy at the end.
Mike
>>Miller Minus has a lot of good points, author. I'll focus my suggestion on each characters' motivation and payoff. What do Quibble and Wind think they want at the beginning of the story? How does that differ from what they actually need? And how do they get what they actually need at the end?
'Cause you've got a suggestion of that going on--what Wind thinks she wants is to be left alone to finish her homework; what she actually needs is a break; and she gets that break when, as Daring Do, she's captured and has to spend her time locked in a "room with the smell of fresh air, firewood, and a tinge of salty sea." I'd suggest strengthening that and giving Quibble a parallel set of want, actual need, and final fulfillment. I don't know what that would be: he wants to help Wind relax; he needs an adventure of his own; and he gets that adventure when he has to step in and take over the book's storyline? Something at any rate to give them each what they need instead of what they think they want so they're both happy at the end.
Mike
Daring Ponies:
This read like a rough draft. There is a story here, but it seems like it got lost in the writing. The personalities of the characters seem to switch arbitrarily and the relationship between suffers the same. The constant switching of names is confusing, as sticking with one set would work just fine for the story’s purposes. There are several questionable decisions being made, such as dad purposely putting him and his daughter in a book they can apparently die in. Over all though, I think the greatest shortcoming of this is that it can’t seem to decide what it wants the story to be about. I thought it was going to be a dad and daughter relationship building story, but they don’t really develop or learn anything. We are told at the end that there is some sort of change or growth, but I don’t know when that occurred or what caused it as it isn’t shown happening. It’s not really an adventure story either as exposition is thrown at us and then resolved in a mechanical manner. There is an idea here that can work well, but the story needs to be focused on what is important and strive to push the narrative in that direction.
I’m hoping this doesn’t sound too blunt or mean, it’s not my intention. I’m writing this really late as I won’t have time tomorrow to do any reviews so need to get what I can tonight before then. As such I’m not taking as much time as I usually do on my reviews.
Side note, the daughter is kinda unlikable as is, especially when she doesn’t want to help escape over a cookie? I mean, you can have a moment where they butt heads and her having a pettiness about her isn’t bad, but something so trivial in such a dangerous situation seems unlike something any normal person or pony would do.
This read like a rough draft. There is a story here, but it seems like it got lost in the writing. The personalities of the characters seem to switch arbitrarily and the relationship between suffers the same. The constant switching of names is confusing, as sticking with one set would work just fine for the story’s purposes. There are several questionable decisions being made, such as dad purposely putting him and his daughter in a book they can apparently die in. Over all though, I think the greatest shortcoming of this is that it can’t seem to decide what it wants the story to be about. I thought it was going to be a dad and daughter relationship building story, but they don’t really develop or learn anything. We are told at the end that there is some sort of change or growth, but I don’t know when that occurred or what caused it as it isn’t shown happening. It’s not really an adventure story either as exposition is thrown at us and then resolved in a mechanical manner. There is an idea here that can work well, but the story needs to be focused on what is important and strive to push the narrative in that direction.
I’m hoping this doesn’t sound too blunt or mean, it’s not my intention. I’m writing this really late as I won’t have time tomorrow to do any reviews so need to get what I can tonight before then. As such I’m not taking as much time as I usually do on my reviews.
Side note, the daughter is kinda unlikable as is, especially when she doesn’t want to help escape over a cookie? I mean, you can have a moment where they butt heads and her having a pettiness about her isn’t bad, but something so trivial in such a dangerous situation seems unlike something any normal person or pony would do.
I didn’t manage to post a comment on this during prelims, in part because I kept debating where to rank this. I think this has a really good concept; maybe I’m a sucker for adventure, but what stood out most to me was the level of ambition on offer. I thought it was great when the adventure swapped Quibble and Wind’s expected roles, as well as when it became evident that the adventure could adapt itself to the decisions they made & offer alternate paths. That’s fantastic concept-wise.
Where this faltered more for me was in the prose. It was clear enough much of the time, but as my colleague >>Miller Minus notes, there are some moments where things get rougher. It’s almost certainly not insurmountable with a strong editing pass or two, though; and concept indeed has legs!
Where this faltered more for me was in the prose. It was clear enough much of the time, but as my colleague >>Miller Minus notes, there are some moments where things get rougher. It’s almost certainly not insurmountable with a strong editing pass or two, though; and concept indeed has legs!
I'm not the biggest fan of this one to start with because I don't like the "story within a story" concept behind Power Ponies, or any other "and the characters all got sucked into a story." Particularly the Fridge Logic of what happens if you die? If you can be killed, why would you ever participate in the game, but if you can't be, then what are the stakes? This story does nothing to resolve my unease with the concept.
The kid is stressed out and mad at her dad for dragging her into this and she doesn't really want to play, so she doesn't help him and then she lets him escape without her. I get that, it makes sense, but it doesn't really make me want to read more about her; she's being a petulant jerk. The adventure itself isn't that interesting and most of the people Quibble is interacting with are fictional, so most of the adventure seems to have little point.
Quibble's well-done. Everything he does seems believable and his character seems pretty on-point. And like I said, the kid is believable and understandable, just not fun to read about.
I dunno. Not for me. But on a technical level it's done well enough. People who enjoy the story-in-a-story concept would probably like it better.
The kid is stressed out and mad at her dad for dragging her into this and she doesn't really want to play, so she doesn't help him and then she lets him escape without her. I get that, it makes sense, but it doesn't really make me want to read more about her; she's being a petulant jerk. The adventure itself isn't that interesting and most of the people Quibble is interacting with are fictional, so most of the adventure seems to have little point.
Quibble's well-done. Everything he does seems believable and his character seems pretty on-point. And like I said, the kid is believable and understandable, just not fun to read about.
I dunno. Not for me. But on a technical level it's done well enough. People who enjoy the story-in-a-story concept would probably like it better.
Alas, now is the opportune time to get out retros for both my fics. Better late than never. Besides, I shouldn't leave anyone hanging.
>>Miller Minus
Okay, so let's start. Your comment is the foundation of all the others. I agree with the fact that it is breakneck pacing. Fortunately, though, I know how to slow it down- taking time to describe the setting. After all, they are on the beach, why not play in the water for a bit?
This fic's purpose is to smooth out some rough ends in Quibble's and Wind Sprint's relationship, if that clarifies anything. Unfortunately, my rush job (you guessed it!) didn't do it any favors. I had to cut it down and meet halfway. This is only half the story. The rest of the story is where the real bonding occurs. To accustom to pace, I had to force the characters to do some things that they don't want to do. Unfortunately, I didn't do a good job of making Quibble rush off to solve one of the story's problems, hence the OOC.
Conundrum: what happens if you die?
Frankly, I don't know. I also mulled over because my fallacy of thinking that nopony in MLP dies, not even the grandmas. But, that's an incorrect postulate. I will work this detail out later. My first thought was to stick to Jumanji: Welcome to the jungle's take on the conundrum. Leave it ambiguous, but a fate that you don't want to find out. But, after thinking about it a little. I think to keep it with the confines of what is possible within the FiM universe, I will make it so that you just get ejected from the book.
Now… back to scheduled programming
To finish up, I can see how seesawing between aliases can be confusing. That's an easy fix.
Thanks for the review!
>>Baal Bunny
Again, what I said to Miller takes effect here. This is only half the story. Rush job. Etc.
The gold nugget of this review is exactly the point where they get what they need instead of what they want. I will do my best to flesh it out and make it work.
Thanks for reviewing!
>>thisisalongname
Refer to the Bold heading saying "What Happens if you die?" But, you bring up the greater point: why would Quibble potentially risk Wind Sprint's life?The implication is that he knows you cannot die, just are ejected from the book, or something else.
Also, your side note, yes I agree that was a breaking point of the story. I wanted to make it so that Wind Sprint was more aloof than petulant, but failed in that aspect.
>>CoffeeMinion
Thank you! I understand my prose is crappy, but thank you for seeing the gem inside it.
P.S. See the Verdict. You may be happy to see where I plan to go with this one.
>>alarajrogers
Thank you for reviewing! I understand it's not exactly fun to review a fic you don't enjoy. Also, considering this is post-competition, Thank you especially for going the extra mile.
It gives me a little more hope to see that Quibble and Wind Sprint's personalities are believable. They won't need much to become amazing.
As you said in my other fic, needs expansion- and expansion is what it will get.
Verdict:
Once one of my major projects is done, I'll start expanding and refining this. I don't know what's about it, but it seems that I want to publish the fics with the lowest score and/or written about this time of year
>>Miller Minus
Okay, so let's start. Your comment is the foundation of all the others. I agree with the fact that it is breakneck pacing. Fortunately, though, I know how to slow it down- taking time to describe the setting. After all, they are on the beach, why not play in the water for a bit?
This fic's purpose is to smooth out some rough ends in Quibble's and Wind Sprint's relationship, if that clarifies anything. Unfortunately, my rush job (you guessed it!) didn't do it any favors. I had to cut it down and meet halfway. This is only half the story. The rest of the story is where the real bonding occurs. To accustom to pace, I had to force the characters to do some things that they don't want to do. Unfortunately, I didn't do a good job of making Quibble rush off to solve one of the story's problems, hence the OOC.
Conundrum: what happens if you die?
Frankly, I don't know. I also mulled over because my fallacy of thinking that nopony in MLP dies, not even the grandmas. But, that's an incorrect postulate. I will work this detail out later. My first thought was to stick to Jumanji: Welcome to the jungle's take on the conundrum. Leave it ambiguous, but a fate that you don't want to find out. But, after thinking about it a little. I think to keep it with the confines of what is possible within the FiM universe, I will make it so that you just get ejected from the book.
Now… back to scheduled programming
To finish up, I can see how seesawing between aliases can be confusing. That's an easy fix.
Thanks for the review!
>>Baal Bunny
Again, what I said to Miller takes effect here. This is only half the story. Rush job. Etc.
The gold nugget of this review is exactly the point where they get what they need instead of what they want. I will do my best to flesh it out and make it work.
Thanks for reviewing!
>>thisisalongname
Refer to the Bold heading saying "What Happens if you die?" But, you bring up the greater point: why would Quibble potentially risk Wind Sprint's life?The implication is that he knows you cannot die, just are ejected from the book, or something else.
Also, your side note, yes I agree that was a breaking point of the story. I wanted to make it so that Wind Sprint was more aloof than petulant, but failed in that aspect.
>>CoffeeMinion
Thank you! I understand my prose is crappy, but thank you for seeing the gem inside it.
P.S. See the Verdict. You may be happy to see where I plan to go with this one.
>>alarajrogers
Thank you for reviewing! I understand it's not exactly fun to review a fic you don't enjoy. Also, considering this is post-competition, Thank you especially for going the extra mile.
It gives me a little more hope to see that Quibble and Wind Sprint's personalities are believable. They won't need much to become amazing.
As you said in my other fic, needs expansion- and expansion is what it will get.
Verdict:
Once one of my major projects is done, I'll start expanding and refining this. I don't know what's about it, but it seems that I want to publish the fics with the lowest score and/or written about this time of year