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Lancing the Wound
“Alright George, what’s wrong?” asked Lance, rolling to face his husband.
“What makes you think anything is wrong?” George turned the page, stared at the page briefly, and then turned back.
“Because you haven’t said a single thing to me since we came to bed, and you’ve been reading that same page for at least ten minutes. It’s about Bow, isn’t it?”
“It hardly takes great insight to figure that out after what happened today. Now let me read.” George stared at the page, his unmoving eyes betraying his lack of progress to Lance, who still watched.
George finally lowered the book, turning his head to Lance, and huffed. “Look. I don’t want to talk about it. Good night, Lance.” He leaned in, shared a kiss, and then turned away. Marking his page, he set the book on the nightstand and shuttered his light.
“Good night, George.” Lance shuttered his own light and settled in facing George. He waited.
George sat up and flipped his pillow, plumping it before settling back down.
Lance waited.
George turned to lay on his back.
Lance waited.
“Alright, fine,” said George, turning to face Lance. “I’m mad. Because—”
“Bow joined the army,” they said together.
“I made a promise to this family to not get involved in another war. And now Bow’s gone and joined the princesses. Where did I go wrong, Lance?”
“You didn’t.” Lance reached out, stroking George’s arm as he spoke. “Bow’s his own man now. He’s got to make his own decisions. His own mistakes.”
“I just can’t believe he’d do this to me. He knows how I feel. He knows it would hurt me, and he did it anyway.”
“And how did you respond?”
George sighed. “With love and support.”
“But it still hurts, doesn’t it.”
“Yes,” George said, tears welling in his eyes. “I don’t want to lose my family again.”
Lance embraced his husband, kissing his head. “Whatever happens, we’ll get through this. As a family. You’re a good man, and a good father, George.”
George joined the embrace. As his tears fell, he buried his face in Lance’s shoulder, while Lance rubbed his back.
“Everything will be okay.” Slowly, their embrace relaxed.
“I don’t know. What if the fighting comes here, Lance? We should do something.”
Surprised, Lance asked, “You want to fight?”
“No,” said George, shaking his head. “We need to make sure the kids are safe in case of an attack, and do something to protect the more-valuable books and artifacts. You saw what that thing did just to protect an artifact. Imagine a bunch of soldiers trying to destroy what we have.”
Lance shuddered. “So what do you want to do about it?”
With a frown, George admitted, “I don’t know. We can talk about it tomorrow. I really do just want to get some sleep. Today’s been exhausting. Being both mad and proud about the same thing is draining. Plus all the cleaning up we had to do.”
“Alright. Tomorrow. Love you.”
George leaned forward, rubbing noses before Lance rolled away to get comfortable in his embrace. “Love you too.”
“What makes you think anything is wrong?” George turned the page, stared at the page briefly, and then turned back.
“Because you haven’t said a single thing to me since we came to bed, and you’ve been reading that same page for at least ten minutes. It’s about Bow, isn’t it?”
“It hardly takes great insight to figure that out after what happened today. Now let me read.” George stared at the page, his unmoving eyes betraying his lack of progress to Lance, who still watched.
George finally lowered the book, turning his head to Lance, and huffed. “Look. I don’t want to talk about it. Good night, Lance.” He leaned in, shared a kiss, and then turned away. Marking his page, he set the book on the nightstand and shuttered his light.
“Good night, George.” Lance shuttered his own light and settled in facing George. He waited.
George sat up and flipped his pillow, plumping it before settling back down.
Lance waited.
George turned to lay on his back.
Lance waited.
“Alright, fine,” said George, turning to face Lance. “I’m mad. Because—”
“Bow joined the army,” they said together.
“I made a promise to this family to not get involved in another war. And now Bow’s gone and joined the princesses. Where did I go wrong, Lance?”
“You didn’t.” Lance reached out, stroking George’s arm as he spoke. “Bow’s his own man now. He’s got to make his own decisions. His own mistakes.”
“I just can’t believe he’d do this to me. He knows how I feel. He knows it would hurt me, and he did it anyway.”
“And how did you respond?”
George sighed. “With love and support.”
“But it still hurts, doesn’t it.”
“Yes,” George said, tears welling in his eyes. “I don’t want to lose my family again.”
Lance embraced his husband, kissing his head. “Whatever happens, we’ll get through this. As a family. You’re a good man, and a good father, George.”
George joined the embrace. As his tears fell, he buried his face in Lance’s shoulder, while Lance rubbed his back.
“Everything will be okay.” Slowly, their embrace relaxed.
“I don’t know. What if the fighting comes here, Lance? We should do something.”
Surprised, Lance asked, “You want to fight?”
“No,” said George, shaking his head. “We need to make sure the kids are safe in case of an attack, and do something to protect the more-valuable books and artifacts. You saw what that thing did just to protect an artifact. Imagine a bunch of soldiers trying to destroy what we have.”
Lance shuddered. “So what do you want to do about it?”
With a frown, George admitted, “I don’t know. We can talk about it tomorrow. I really do just want to get some sleep. Today’s been exhausting. Being both mad and proud about the same thing is draining. Plus all the cleaning up we had to do.”
“Alright. Tomorrow. Love you.”
George leaned forward, rubbing noses before Lance rolled away to get comfortable in his embrace. “Love you too.”
Are they canonically married? I just remember them being parents. Is anyone in She-Ra canonically married, or are they just in stable, long-term relationships without labels defining them?
Big oof on ”I don’t want to lose my family again.”
The interactions seem good descriptively, but I think you could show more emotion—ratcheting the prose up a notch while keeping the overall emotion at the same level.
Rubbing noses at the end was... probably not what I'd choose, but I'd need to rewatch their episode to decide if it's wrong.
Big oof on ”I don’t want to lose my family again.”
The interactions seem good descriptively, but I think you could show more emotion—ratcheting the prose up a notch while keeping the overall emotion at the same level.
Rubbing noses at the end was... probably not what I'd choose, but I'd need to rewatch their episode to decide if it's wrong.
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
Something I liked:
From what I remember of George and Lance, you capture their voices and dynamic pretty well. I remember the episode they appeared in rather vividly, if only because it marked a degree of queer representation that's very rarely depicted in children's media. I think what makes this dynamic work is that their struggle would be relatable to just about any parent. We're reminded of George's strong disdain for war, and while his lines might be too on-the-nose, I think they're appropriate. I also like that despite their situation, this is still very much a couple in love, so it's like a trial they face together.
Something I didn't like:
With that said, I think the conflict gets too cleanly resolved. This is not the sort of thing they would just have a bedtime chat about and then get over it. I understand that you want a clean resolution for a minific, but sometimes it's not enough if the story raises too many questions. When I look back on this entry, I really like the voicing and the generally distressed tone, but then everything kind of deflates by the end. I think that even with an extra 100 words you can milk the drama with more satisfactory results. Once again I agree with Lofty, in that I don't think this is as emotional as it could be.
Verdict: The beginning of something more emotionally involving. Could definitely use expansion.
Something I liked:
From what I remember of George and Lance, you capture their voices and dynamic pretty well. I remember the episode they appeared in rather vividly, if only because it marked a degree of queer representation that's very rarely depicted in children's media. I think what makes this dynamic work is that their struggle would be relatable to just about any parent. We're reminded of George's strong disdain for war, and while his lines might be too on-the-nose, I think they're appropriate. I also like that despite their situation, this is still very much a couple in love, so it's like a trial they face together.
Something I didn't like:
With that said, I think the conflict gets too cleanly resolved. This is not the sort of thing they would just have a bedtime chat about and then get over it. I understand that you want a clean resolution for a minific, but sometimes it's not enough if the story raises too many questions. When I look back on this entry, I really like the voicing and the generally distressed tone, but then everything kind of deflates by the end. I think that even with an extra 100 words you can milk the drama with more satisfactory results. Once again I agree with Lofty, in that I don't think this is as emotional as it could be.
Verdict: The beginning of something more emotionally involving. Could definitely use expansion.
I'm gonna chime in to disagree with the other commenters here: I love that this piece tones down the emotions of the scene, and that the resolution is boiled down to "We can talk about it tomorrow"—the conversation George and Lance have in this piece is not an easy one, and I think the decision not to address it through to a resolution was a sensible one, given the format restrictions. I also like that the piece feels sleepy. It's a lovely tone, imo, and the sort of creative decision that works well for minifics.
Other than that, I'm in agreement with >>No_Raisin and >>LoftyWithers on the strengths of this piece. It's a lovely moment between two characters who I'm glad are getting much-deserved attention and a really fun take on the prompt. My own personal gripe is that the prose doesn't quite match up to the strength of the dialogue—I don't really get any sense that the prose changes pace at all, here, and the pace you've set is a pretty slow one! I like the choice of pace, don't get me wrong, but I'd love to see a little bit of variety here and there to spice it up and keep interest going.
Overall, though, this is a solid entry and a genuinely lovely bit of fanfiction. Shout out to the decision to repeat the "Lance waited" motif—I think it could be tidier, but that was a really good choice and one that I thoroughly enjoyed.
Other than that, I'm in agreement with >>No_Raisin and >>LoftyWithers on the strengths of this piece. It's a lovely moment between two characters who I'm glad are getting much-deserved attention and a really fun take on the prompt. My own personal gripe is that the prose doesn't quite match up to the strength of the dialogue—I don't really get any sense that the prose changes pace at all, here, and the pace you've set is a pretty slow one! I like the choice of pace, don't get me wrong, but I'd love to see a little bit of variety here and there to spice it up and keep interest going.
Overall, though, this is a solid entry and a genuinely lovely bit of fanfiction. Shout out to the decision to repeat the "Lance waited" motif—I think it could be tidier, but that was a really good choice and one that I thoroughly enjoyed.
Well, there are only 5 entries. It won't take long to review them, even if only 2 or 3 get read by the authors.
This is a nice little slice of life. It doesn't expand a lot beyond what we saw of them in the episode, and it takes a pretty expected direction, but it still does extend their characters past what the show did.
On the one hand, I like their behavior. It's very lifelike and atmospheric, so you did create a nice little movie of them in my head.
On the other, it feels like there were a couple of important questions you skirted without exploring. Maybe there's not space to tackle both, but I think you could have done at least one. Given that Lance calls Bow's decision a mistake, and George doesn't refute that, do they both feel disappointed in Bow? Or can they just agree to disagree with him and respect his choice? And they bring up the question of what they'd do if the war swept through their home, and they say they'd try to protect it, but what does that mean? Trying to move everything valuable to a safe place? Or if it felt like they wouldn't have time, or there was no safe place, what would they be willing to do? Would they rather die to violence than engage in it, or are there times they'd be willing to compromise their pacifist ideals to keep safe what they hold dear? Either one of those would have been interesting questions to address (not necessarily resolve), and you had some leftover word count.
As a scene showing their bonding and concern for Bow, it's pleasantly written.
This is a nice little slice of life. It doesn't expand a lot beyond what we saw of them in the episode, and it takes a pretty expected direction, but it still does extend their characters past what the show did.
On the one hand, I like their behavior. It's very lifelike and atmospheric, so you did create a nice little movie of them in my head.
On the other, it feels like there were a couple of important questions you skirted without exploring. Maybe there's not space to tackle both, but I think you could have done at least one. Given that Lance calls Bow's decision a mistake, and George doesn't refute that, do they both feel disappointed in Bow? Or can they just agree to disagree with him and respect his choice? And they bring up the question of what they'd do if the war swept through their home, and they say they'd try to protect it, but what does that mean? Trying to move everything valuable to a safe place? Or if it felt like they wouldn't have time, or there was no safe place, what would they be willing to do? Would they rather die to violence than engage in it, or are there times they'd be willing to compromise their pacifist ideals to keep safe what they hold dear? Either one of those would have been interesting questions to address (not necessarily resolve), and you had some leftover word count.
As a scene showing their bonding and concern for Bow, it's pleasantly written.