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The Equestrian Candidate
Diamond Tiara stood at the schoolhouse doors, watching her classmates play joyfully upon the extravagant new playground furnished through a heady combination of Class President Pip’s wild campaign promises and her father’s money.
She took a long breath, then turned to her friend Silver Spoon. “Do you smell that?”
Silver Spoon’s brow furrowed as she sniffed. “Did Snips get into the cheese balls again?”
A deep grin overtook Diamond Tiara’s face. “No, Silver. This playground? It smells like… greatness. I mean, it’s really, really… great.”
“It is! I still can’t believe you got your dad to write such a big check.”
Tiara smirked. “It’s all about solving problems, Silver. Daddy’s always telling me he got rich by solving difficult problems. He thrives on ‘em. I want to thrive on them, too.” She waved at the schoolyard. “Just look at this playground. In a way, it’s like Equestria. Yesterday, a broken-down craphole with griffons, changelings, Tartarus-knows-what-else running all over the place. But today? Ponies, Silver. Happiness, order... and ponies.”
Her friend pointed a hoof. “What about Pinion, the exchange student?”
Tiara nodded. “Sure, there’s room for registered griffons.” She paused. “I could win the griffon vote because I know what they really want: jobs.” She shook her head. “Politics today is such a disgrace. Good ponies don’t go into government. I think it’s time we change that.”
“But how?” Silver asked. “We live in a monarchy… er, diarchy…”
“I’m going to have daddy book me a debate with Celestia,” Diamond Tiara continued. “She’s got issues, big issues, that the ponies of this nation deserve to have answered. I mean, we’ve got Nightmare Moon—don’t tell me that you buy that’s Luna—sitting on the throne, and we’re supposed to be ‘best friends’ with known criminals like Discord, and everypony’s supposed to ‘trust the government’ while changelings run unchecked within our borders?”
Silver’s face began to take on a look that suggested it was attempting to give birth to her own incredulity, and that complications might soon call for a C-section. “Diamond... that’s crazy talk! Princess Celestia has done more than anypony else to keep Equestria safe from all kinds of dangers!”
Tiara raised a hoof to her friend’s withers. “Silver, you’re a great friend, but I think it’s clear you lack the vision necessary for the days ahead. You’re fired.”
“I’m… what?!” Silver Spoon’s jaw dropped.
Diamond Tiara raised her eyes to the bright sky. “It’s all about greatness,” she said to nopony in particular. “It’s all about doing… no, being… no no no, making…”
Princess Celestia looked out at the crowd of ponies gathered before the pair of podiums that had been set up in front of the castle. Instead of the usual happiness and peace she’d come to see in her subjects, she saw only anger.
She raised a glass to her mouth in a trembling magical grip. The water cooled her tongue but didn’t stop her sweating.
“Princess, I don’t blame you for a lot of these circumstances,” boomed the magically-amplified voice of her pinkish, pint-sized opponent. “The world is a horrible place. We face adversaries big and small… everything from griffons who don’t want to pay their taxes, up to beings like Tirek that just make a mockery of our whole security apparatus.”
The crowd roared.
“But,” Diamond Tiara continued, “what I do blame you for is the way you’ve lulled these ponies into thinking that you and your friends can make the world an okay place, even though you clearly can’t. Equestria had great days, long ago!”
Celestia opened her mouth to speak, but was overwhelmed by cheers from the assembled ponies.
“I will not give amnesty to criminals like Discord and Nightmare Moon!” her adversary bellowed. “I will not just threaten to use artifacts like the Elements of Harmony—I will use them! And I will build a great wall on our border with known changeling lands, and I will make the changelings pay for that wall. Mark my words!”
The princess hunched her shoulders, unsure how to defuse the situation—or whether that was still even possible.
Her eyes turned back toward Diamond Tiara. The girl’s smile was unnerving as she readied her verbal coup de grace: “Fillies and Gentlecolts… we will make Equestria great again!”
As the crowd went wild, Celestia shook her head. “I thought this was going to be a debate about issues,” she breathed, taking a drink—but this time, from a hip flask.
“And that’s why we can’t have nice things,” she muttered.
She took a long breath, then turned to her friend Silver Spoon. “Do you smell that?”
Silver Spoon’s brow furrowed as she sniffed. “Did Snips get into the cheese balls again?”
A deep grin overtook Diamond Tiara’s face. “No, Silver. This playground? It smells like… greatness. I mean, it’s really, really… great.”
“It is! I still can’t believe you got your dad to write such a big check.”
Tiara smirked. “It’s all about solving problems, Silver. Daddy’s always telling me he got rich by solving difficult problems. He thrives on ‘em. I want to thrive on them, too.” She waved at the schoolyard. “Just look at this playground. In a way, it’s like Equestria. Yesterday, a broken-down craphole with griffons, changelings, Tartarus-knows-what-else running all over the place. But today? Ponies, Silver. Happiness, order... and ponies.”
Her friend pointed a hoof. “What about Pinion, the exchange student?”
Tiara nodded. “Sure, there’s room for registered griffons.” She paused. “I could win the griffon vote because I know what they really want: jobs.” She shook her head. “Politics today is such a disgrace. Good ponies don’t go into government. I think it’s time we change that.”
“But how?” Silver asked. “We live in a monarchy… er, diarchy…”
“I’m going to have daddy book me a debate with Celestia,” Diamond Tiara continued. “She’s got issues, big issues, that the ponies of this nation deserve to have answered. I mean, we’ve got Nightmare Moon—don’t tell me that you buy that’s Luna—sitting on the throne, and we’re supposed to be ‘best friends’ with known criminals like Discord, and everypony’s supposed to ‘trust the government’ while changelings run unchecked within our borders?”
Silver’s face began to take on a look that suggested it was attempting to give birth to her own incredulity, and that complications might soon call for a C-section. “Diamond... that’s crazy talk! Princess Celestia has done more than anypony else to keep Equestria safe from all kinds of dangers!”
Tiara raised a hoof to her friend’s withers. “Silver, you’re a great friend, but I think it’s clear you lack the vision necessary for the days ahead. You’re fired.”
“I’m… what?!” Silver Spoon’s jaw dropped.
Diamond Tiara raised her eyes to the bright sky. “It’s all about greatness,” she said to nopony in particular. “It’s all about doing… no, being… no no no, making…”
Princess Celestia looked out at the crowd of ponies gathered before the pair of podiums that had been set up in front of the castle. Instead of the usual happiness and peace she’d come to see in her subjects, she saw only anger.
She raised a glass to her mouth in a trembling magical grip. The water cooled her tongue but didn’t stop her sweating.
“Princess, I don’t blame you for a lot of these circumstances,” boomed the magically-amplified voice of her pinkish, pint-sized opponent. “The world is a horrible place. We face adversaries big and small… everything from griffons who don’t want to pay their taxes, up to beings like Tirek that just make a mockery of our whole security apparatus.”
The crowd roared.
“But,” Diamond Tiara continued, “what I do blame you for is the way you’ve lulled these ponies into thinking that you and your friends can make the world an okay place, even though you clearly can’t. Equestria had great days, long ago!”
Celestia opened her mouth to speak, but was overwhelmed by cheers from the assembled ponies.
“I will not give amnesty to criminals like Discord and Nightmare Moon!” her adversary bellowed. “I will not just threaten to use artifacts like the Elements of Harmony—I will use them! And I will build a great wall on our border with known changeling lands, and I will make the changelings pay for that wall. Mark my words!”
The princess hunched her shoulders, unsure how to defuse the situation—or whether that was still even possible.
Her eyes turned back toward Diamond Tiara. The girl’s smile was unnerving as she readied her verbal coup de grace: “Fillies and Gentlecolts… we will make Equestria great again!”
As the crowd went wild, Celestia shook her head. “I thought this was going to be a debate about issues,” she breathed, taking a drink—but this time, from a hip flask.
“And that’s why we can’t have nice things,” she muttered.
The Equestrian Candidate
It took me about 10 seconds to realize what was happening with this fic, a couple minutes to read it, and another to recognize how this fits the prompt.
Wow author, this really is your funeral. Good luck.
It took me about 10 seconds to realize what was happening with this fic, a couple minutes to read it, and another to recognize how this fits the prompt.
Wow author, this really is your funeral. Good luck.
No.
I suppose I should say more than that. Topical political humor doesn’t age well, and this already looks a little brown around the edges. It especially doesn’t work well in this context, where the person and the political climate are unrecognizable from the source material. Yes, I can see where you’re going with Tiara’s talent for getting other ponies to do what she wants, but…
No. Sorry, but there’s only so much stupid I can take before it goes from amusing to insufferable.
I suppose I should say more than that. Topical political humor doesn’t age well, and this already looks a little brown around the edges. It especially doesn’t work well in this context, where the person and the political climate are unrecognizable from the source material. Yes, I can see where you’re going with Tiara’s talent for getting other ponies to do what she wants, but…
No. Sorry, but there’s only so much stupid I can take before it goes from amusing to insufferable.
Ouch—this hits too close to home.
It's an amusing Trump parody, although I don't really think Diamond makes a good Trump. Her motivations are very different, and while she's insecure, she's not nearly as insecure.
I think the main thing it could use is some better contrast. Having everypony in the entire crowd support Diamond over Celestia strains credibility. Celestia looks weak, impotent, and incompetent, and this doesn't match her character. If you had painted Celestia more competently and used a different antagonist (an adult, perhaps Starlight Glimmer) this would have worked much better for me.
It's an amusing Trump parody, although I don't really think Diamond makes a good Trump. Her motivations are very different, and while she's insecure, she's not nearly as insecure.
I think the main thing it could use is some better contrast. Having everypony in the entire crowd support Diamond over Celestia strains credibility. Celestia looks weak, impotent, and incompetent, and this doesn't match her character. If you had painted Celestia more competently and used a different antagonist (an adult, perhaps Starlight Glimmer) this would have worked much better for me.
CAN'T STYMIOND THE DIAMOND
(I swear that sounds a lot better when you say it aloud)
Enough with the dank memes, though. No, seriously, enough with them. This story uses the exact same Trump parody tropes as every other half-assed wag on the Internet, and that made it feel like it was just going through the motions rather than actually being an incisive satire.
(I swear that sounds a lot better when you say it aloud)
Enough with the dank memes, though. No, seriously, enough with them. This story uses the exact same Trump parody tropes as every other half-assed wag on the Internet, and that made it feel like it was just going through the motions rather than actually being an incisive satire.
I guess this is political commentary of some sort?
I should probably care more about politics, but... I don't.
Anyways, this feels like you were hoping for a different prompt. I guess I could see a wry twist to using it with the current one, but still.
This gets a big fat meh from me. I don't really find it very funny, or cutting, or satirical, or... well much of anything, honestly. Sorry, author.
I should probably care more about politics, but... I don't.
Anyways, this feels like you were hoping for a different prompt. I guess I could see a wry twist to using it with the current one, but still.
This gets a big fat meh from me. I don't really find it very funny, or cutting, or satirical, or... well much of anything, honestly. Sorry, author.
Heh, there's enough humor and writing skill evident here that I can't knock it too much. I have one major quibble with the humor, though: there's an inconsistency in how ponies react to DT (but which DT? lollololol...) before versus after the scene break that creates an uncomfortable change in the tone. As others have pointed out, Celestia's reaction doesn't do enough to turn things around and keep it funny; she comes off as weak, which overemphasizes the serious elements.
IMO you could get this to work better by either starting with having ponies take her seriously at first and then having that backfire later, or keeping the reaction to her as consistently WTF throughout; but going from WTF to serious just doesn't keep it as funny.
IMO you could get this to work better by either starting with having ponies take her seriously at first and then having that backfire later, or keeping the reaction to her as consistently WTF throughout; but going from WTF to serious just doesn't keep it as funny.
the structure doesn't make this feel very funny. I mean the 2nd part is kinda humorous, but the 1st part is just there to justify how the 2nd happened. it spends too much time, making me start to wonder if she's being out-of-character, before moving on to the actual joke.
This is pretty much just “Let’s make Diamond Tiara into Donald Trump”, which isn’t really that funny. It just is pretty much “Donald Trump is a troll.”
If you’re really going to write something about it, do something more than a surface parody, or go full-bore ridiculous – you know, have the Republican Establishment gang up on them Voltron style or something.
If you’re really going to write something about it, do something more than a surface parody, or go full-bore ridiculous – you know, have the Republican Establishment gang up on them Voltron style or something.
I agree with the above comments; this does push at a couple of jokes, but I don't think it has the idea of satire quite down. Who is it that we're supposed to be laughing at? If this is intended as mockery of DT, then the second scene (with Celestia powerless against her) elevates her too much to be keeping her in the crosshairs. And yet most of the jokes/references (firing Silver Spoon, getting changelings to pay for the wall, etc) are anti-Trump jabs.
This needs to show some teeth, basically. It's taking tiny nibbles of political humor and chewing politely.
Tier: Needs Work
This needs to show some teeth, basically. It's taking tiny nibbles of political humor and chewing politely.
Tier: Needs Work
This works better with pre-S5 DT. Because she's not a butt anymore, it doesn't really work. Also yea, Celestia should be better at commanding crowds. She's Celestia, not Jeb Bush.
Besides, we already have a much better Trump - The FlimFlam brothers.
Besides, we already have a much better Trump - The FlimFlam brothers.
>>RampantArcana
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>John Cena
>>Trick_Question
>>Waterpear
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Haze
>>TitaniumDragon
>>horizon
>>Morning Sun
I've recently become aware of the concept of a Fail Bow. The idea is to step forward when you fail, openly admit you did so, and attempt to move on with the knowledge you gained by failing.
So with that said, it's time to admit that I wrote The Equestrian Candidate: *bows*
I don't usually dabble in political humor, so this was going to be a stretch for me, but I thought there might be an audience for it. "Making Equestria Great Again" was, after all, 1 vote shy of being our prompt this time. The only problem is, I failed to add the humor part. Many commenters pointed this out, but >>horizon nailed it with a comment that was, IMO, 10x as funny as anything I wrote in here:
This is one of my all-time favorite bits of criticism I've ever received. It's damnably true. But it also helps me see what I did wrong here and how I could do it better.
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>John Cena
>>Trick_Question
>>Waterpear
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Haze
>>TitaniumDragon
>>horizon
>>Morning Sun
I've recently become aware of the concept of a Fail Bow. The idea is to step forward when you fail, openly admit you did so, and attempt to move on with the knowledge you gained by failing.
So with that said, it's time to admit that I wrote The Equestrian Candidate: *bows*
I don't usually dabble in political humor, so this was going to be a stretch for me, but I thought there might be an audience for it. "Making Equestria Great Again" was, after all, 1 vote shy of being our prompt this time. The only problem is, I failed to add the humor part. Many commenters pointed this out, but >>horizon nailed it with a comment that was, IMO, 10x as funny as anything I wrote in here:
This needs to show some teeth, basically. It's taking tiny nibbles of political humor and chewing politely.
This is one of my all-time favorite bits of criticism I've ever received. It's damnably true. But it also helps me see what I did wrong here and how I could do it better.