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The Seventeenth City of Hell
Katherine Watson worked as a paid intern for the local government of the seventeenth city of Hell. Katherine was sent to Hell because, according to the sentence given upon her arrival, her favorite pizza topping was pineapple.
When Katherine entered Hell she assumed it would be organized in circles, like out of Dante's Inferno, but much to her surprise it wasn't entirely different from how life was on Earth. Hell was in itself a sort of country, divided into cities, each city divided into precincts, and so on. Katherine was sent to the seventeenth city, called Newark by some and Glasgow by others, and, being a recent college graduate in her previous life, she sought to make a better use of her time than getting shit-faced at campus parties and eating pineapple-topped pizza like a scoundrel. So she decided to get involved in politics, and to work for whatever body of government that would take her.
This was a mistake.
Without so much as ever seeing the mayor of the seventeenth city in person, Katherine applied for a paid internship, and was accepted with ease. She made an appointment with the big man himself, and was to meet him in his office at 6:30 for a post-acceptance interview; as it turned out, getting the position in the first place was the easy part.
In the seventeenth city there stood hundreds of buildings, pretty much all of them identical structures with extremely bland architecture, but the skyscraper that housed the local administration was like a massive rock-hard cock of bureaucracy that pierced the heavens; it was the closest thing the city had to a sun. The skyscraper was three-hundred stories tall, and Katherine had to walk through every single one of those stories. Elevators were reserved for high-ranking officials, and of course those who were almost morally qualified enough to ascend to purgatory. The trip was exhaustive to the extreme; Katherine spent nearly four hours climbing the many flights of stairs, fueled purely by pitch-black coffee (cream and sugar were not allowed in Hell) and the will to make her way in the world.
Naturally the mayor's office was on the top floor.
Eventually Katherine reached the top and entered the waiting room, and, seeing the gargantuan door that led to the mayor's office, tried to open it.
It was locked.
"Um," said Katherine, eyeing the secretary who seemed to playing with marbles on his desk. "The door's locked."
The secretary raised his gaze to meet Katherine's; he was a sort of Vincent Price-looking fellow, and already he appeared impatient. "Ah," he said. "Are you here for for an appointment?"
"I'm here for an interview with the mayor. I was scheduled for 6:30?"
The secretary flipped through a thick spiral notebook in the slowest fashion possible. "K. Watson?" he asked.
"Yes."
"You're on-time," he said. "But you can't see the mayor right now."
Katherine felt her face screw up. "But I'm scheduled to meet him very soon."
"Yes, and you can't. The mayor is a very busy man, and sometimes these things fall through at the last minute."
"I don't..." Katherine thought about what could've happened. "Did an emergency come about?"
"The mayor invited some higher-ups from a rather important auto-manufacturing company for a protracted game of mini-golf as a last-second affair."
"A game of mini-golf?"
"Yes," said the secretary. "It's very important."
"But I thought you said the mayor was busy?" Katherine didn't know what to make of the situation.
"The mayor is busy," said the secretary, sounding annoyed. "I'm afraid you'll have to wait."
Not wanting to fight over it, Katherine took a seat next to an elderly fellow who had apparently arrived before her. The man was dressed in solemn Catholic garb, and was obviously a clergyman.
Looking at Katherine and smiling, the priest said, "First time?"
"Oh," murmured Katherine, not wondering why a priest would be in Hell. "Yes, it's my first time here."
"Being punctual is a bad habit," said the priest. "I've been the mayor's spiritual adviser for eons now and I still fall for it myself!"
Katherine thought about why the fuck the mayor of the seventeenth city of Hell would need a spiritual adviser. "How long have you been waiting here?' she asked with genuine curiosity.
"Well, if the clock is right," said the priest, "I'd say three days and counting!"
It was at this moment that Katherine felt like slashing her wrists, or caving in her own skull with a blunt object.
When Katherine entered Hell she assumed it would be organized in circles, like out of Dante's Inferno, but much to her surprise it wasn't entirely different from how life was on Earth. Hell was in itself a sort of country, divided into cities, each city divided into precincts, and so on. Katherine was sent to the seventeenth city, called Newark by some and Glasgow by others, and, being a recent college graduate in her previous life, she sought to make a better use of her time than getting shit-faced at campus parties and eating pineapple-topped pizza like a scoundrel. So she decided to get involved in politics, and to work for whatever body of government that would take her.
This was a mistake.
Without so much as ever seeing the mayor of the seventeenth city in person, Katherine applied for a paid internship, and was accepted with ease. She made an appointment with the big man himself, and was to meet him in his office at 6:30 for a post-acceptance interview; as it turned out, getting the position in the first place was the easy part.
In the seventeenth city there stood hundreds of buildings, pretty much all of them identical structures with extremely bland architecture, but the skyscraper that housed the local administration was like a massive rock-hard cock of bureaucracy that pierced the heavens; it was the closest thing the city had to a sun. The skyscraper was three-hundred stories tall, and Katherine had to walk through every single one of those stories. Elevators were reserved for high-ranking officials, and of course those who were almost morally qualified enough to ascend to purgatory. The trip was exhaustive to the extreme; Katherine spent nearly four hours climbing the many flights of stairs, fueled purely by pitch-black coffee (cream and sugar were not allowed in Hell) and the will to make her way in the world.
Naturally the mayor's office was on the top floor.
Eventually Katherine reached the top and entered the waiting room, and, seeing the gargantuan door that led to the mayor's office, tried to open it.
It was locked.
"Um," said Katherine, eyeing the secretary who seemed to playing with marbles on his desk. "The door's locked."
The secretary raised his gaze to meet Katherine's; he was a sort of Vincent Price-looking fellow, and already he appeared impatient. "Ah," he said. "Are you here for for an appointment?"
"I'm here for an interview with the mayor. I was scheduled for 6:30?"
The secretary flipped through a thick spiral notebook in the slowest fashion possible. "K. Watson?" he asked.
"Yes."
"You're on-time," he said. "But you can't see the mayor right now."
Katherine felt her face screw up. "But I'm scheduled to meet him very soon."
"Yes, and you can't. The mayor is a very busy man, and sometimes these things fall through at the last minute."
"I don't..." Katherine thought about what could've happened. "Did an emergency come about?"
"The mayor invited some higher-ups from a rather important auto-manufacturing company for a protracted game of mini-golf as a last-second affair."
"A game of mini-golf?"
"Yes," said the secretary. "It's very important."
"But I thought you said the mayor was busy?" Katherine didn't know what to make of the situation.
"The mayor is busy," said the secretary, sounding annoyed. "I'm afraid you'll have to wait."
Not wanting to fight over it, Katherine took a seat next to an elderly fellow who had apparently arrived before her. The man was dressed in solemn Catholic garb, and was obviously a clergyman.
Looking at Katherine and smiling, the priest said, "First time?"
"Oh," murmured Katherine, not wondering why a priest would be in Hell. "Yes, it's my first time here."
"Being punctual is a bad habit," said the priest. "I've been the mayor's spiritual adviser for eons now and I still fall for it myself!"
Katherine thought about why the fuck the mayor of the seventeenth city of Hell would need a spiritual adviser. "How long have you been waiting here?' she asked with genuine curiosity.
"Well, if the clock is right," said the priest, "I'd say three days and counting!"
It was at this moment that Katherine felt like slashing her wrists, or caving in her own skull with a blunt object.
Pics
Alternate Title: It's Mildly Warm in Hell
Something I liked:
Shit's dumb. Now before you take that as a negative, author, I do think this brand of stupidity works as a comedy, which this entry very much is. Right from the first paragraph I felt like I was being plunged into absurdity. Paid internship in Hell? Pineapple pizza? Get the fuck out of here, that shit's stupid. But in a very strange way that kind of stupid works for what this entry is going for. I wish the middle section was more absurd, but things pick up again at the end nicely.
Something I didn't like:
This version of Hell is rather interesting; it's a shame we learn so little about it. There are a lot of world-building questions that are left up in the air. What does one get paid with in Hell? How is your morality measured? At what point does someone go from Hell to purgatory? You raise a lot of questions and then fail to answer them, and even though there are practical limitations here, I still feel disappointed with how half-baked the world is.
Verdict: A candidate for the dumbest entry of the lot, sure, but it's also quite a bit of fun to read.
Something I liked:
Shit's dumb. Now before you take that as a negative, author, I do think this brand of stupidity works as a comedy, which this entry very much is. Right from the first paragraph I felt like I was being plunged into absurdity. Paid internship in Hell? Pineapple pizza? Get the fuck out of here, that shit's stupid. But in a very strange way that kind of stupid works for what this entry is going for. I wish the middle section was more absurd, but things pick up again at the end nicely.
Something I didn't like:
This version of Hell is rather interesting; it's a shame we learn so little about it. There are a lot of world-building questions that are left up in the air. What does one get paid with in Hell? How is your morality measured? At what point does someone go from Hell to purgatory? You raise a lot of questions and then fail to answer them, and even though there are practical limitations here, I still feel disappointed with how half-baked the world is.
Verdict: A candidate for the dumbest entry of the lot, sure, but it's also quite a bit of fun to read.
Another one where I don't know what the point was. The touches of humor were nice. But why should I care about Kathy (can I call you 'Kathy'?)? I haven't been given any reason to treat her as sympathetic. It's entirely possible she's not an evil person--there are other reasons to go to hell, after all--but she doesn't seem like she's bothered by her lot in afterlife either.
You plainly state that going into this line of work was a mistake, but then you don't say why, really. The walk up all those stairs is tough, but she doesn't really react until she's told she may have to wait for days or more, yet I don't know why that's a problem. What consequences are there going to be for her having to wait that long?
It's an interesting world setup, but then none of the details go anywhere, and I'm asked to be sympathetic with a character I know nothing about or what she's in for.
So... it's a cool idea. I'll give you that. What can you do to make a story out of it, or at least a snappy scene? As it is, I feel like I've read a feghoot where I don't recognize the pun at the end. I liked the journey, but I don't know where I am.
You plainly state that going into this line of work was a mistake, but then you don't say why, really. The walk up all those stairs is tough, but she doesn't really react until she's told she may have to wait for days or more, yet I don't know why that's a problem. What consequences are there going to be for her having to wait that long?
It's an interesting world setup, but then none of the details go anywhere, and I'm asked to be sympathetic with a character I know nothing about or what she's in for.
So... it's a cool idea. I'll give you that. What can you do to make a story out of it, or at least a snappy scene? As it is, I feel like I've read a feghoot where I don't recognize the pun at the end. I liked the journey, but I don't know where I am.
So I take it that part of the punishment is just long, agonizing waiting for the game of mini-golf to end? Eternal suffering is pretty bad, after all, so draining three-day waits would probably be her wake-up call that, calm as Hell might be to her, Hell is still doing its job of being a horrible place. And its an interesting twist that, at least in this case, it's the people in there that make it all the more terrible for her.
The only problem I see here is that that conclusion may fly over more than a few heads. Perhaps an added mention of how Hell is eternal or their souls there are immortal or something like that in the first half might've made the joke more accessible.
Other than that, this is a pretty solid comedy! The nonchalant tone is quite consistent and that sells the story for me in a lot of ways: how Hell doesn't look that bad at first, how the people are just living their day-to-day life as is, and how the horrors of Hell isn't in the big fire and brimstone but in the little annoyances multiplied by a million.
Overall, again, pretty solid comedy you got there! Woohoo for you!
The only problem I see here is that that conclusion may fly over more than a few heads. Perhaps an added mention of how Hell is eternal or their souls there are immortal or something like that in the first half might've made the joke more accessible.
Other than that, this is a pretty solid comedy! The nonchalant tone is quite consistent and that sells the story for me in a lot of ways: how Hell doesn't look that bad at first, how the people are just living their day-to-day life as is, and how the horrors of Hell isn't in the big fire and brimstone but in the little annoyances multiplied by a million.
Overall, again, pretty solid comedy you got there! Woohoo for you!
This is another simple, straightforward comedy, not too dissimilar from 'It's a Living'. Like with that entry, it was a pleasant read, even if it didn't really do much for me in the end. Unlike that entry, however, there's one major issue that did stop me from enjoying this wholeheartedly with few complaints.
This entry here doesn't seem to be building up towards anything. With 'It's a Living', I can see a sense of progression that the story goes through, and that every witty line builds upon the last witty line. For 'The Seventeenth City', however, I felt like the progression of this scene is too nebulous for my taste. I think there's need to be a more concrete outline of what's actually happening for the jokes to really land instead of having them stand in a line and holding plaques saying 'look at how absurd this world is'.
Again, it's fine when it's around. Can't really say anything more about it, though really that's just me reviewing comedy in a nutshell.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
This entry here doesn't seem to be building up towards anything. With 'It's a Living', I can see a sense of progression that the story goes through, and that every witty line builds upon the last witty line. For 'The Seventeenth City', however, I felt like the progression of this scene is too nebulous for my taste. I think there's need to be a more concrete outline of what's actually happening for the jokes to really land instead of having them stand in a line and holding plaques saying 'look at how absurd this world is'.
Again, it's fine when it's around. Can't really say anything more about it, though really that's just me reviewing comedy in a nutshell.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
It's a simple story, and I think it is a good thing. This is good for a minific, and what should be done for such. I've read some other minifics that are trash minifics. Mostly because they would do a lot better as short stories and such. The stories do end up feeling a bit off, but aren't terrible.
Truthfully, I agree with >>No_Raisin. We need to know more about this version of Hell.
I really can't find anything wrong with it, so good job! I can't wait to see what you write next.
Truthfully, I agree with >>No_Raisin. We need to know more about this version of Hell.
I really can't find anything wrong with it, so good job! I can't wait to see what you write next.