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Ex Nihilo Nihil Fit
Two unicorns marched through a perpetual haze in a single-line formation. The lead kept her head level, glaring at the horizon. It was taunting her, a destination that yielded hope yet was forever impossible to reach. But she strode onwards with little more than a scowl, never stopping, never looking back.
There was nothing to look back from, anyway.
A scant breeze kicked up the piles of dust smothering the land onto her muzzle. She flinched, blinking and flaring her nose before sneezing out into the open, leading to a coughing fit. Her knees bent slightly, and the unicorn lurched forwards.
“Starlight!” The rear unicorn jumped, holding out a hoof to steady the mare. Brushing aside her teal and purple bangs, she asked, “Are you alright?”
Starlight kept coughing in response, managing to squint at the supporting hoof, and sat down onto her haunches with its aid, riding out the fit over the course of a few minutes.
“Here, you need to drink some water.” The standing mare produced a small bottle from a worn saddlebag, offering it to Starlight. Much to her chagrin, Starlight immediately shook her head, hovering a hoof to ward the bottle away.
“No.” The word came out hoarse, and Starlight winced, rubbing her throat. To her dismay however, the mare only proceeded to push the bottle into her hooves. With a groan, Starlight pushed the bottle aside, and said, “Twilight, stop.”
Twilight paused, and then turned to put the bottle into the saddlebags. She knelt down, staring at Starlight’s flank for a few moments.
“You can’t go on like this,” she stated. “You can’t go on with nothing. You just can’t.”
The glare came back in full force, and Starlight snarled back.
“I will. It won’t last forever; I have to make it last. So I will go on with nothing.”
Grunting, Starlight pulled herself to her hooves, and placed one hoof in front of the other. It buckled.
Twilight widened her eyes. “No, wait-”
“I will!” Starlight snapped back, and Twilight backed down. Gritting her teeth, Starlight tensed, and willed another step forwards. Her hoof acquiesced and soon Starlight marched onwards with her eyes steeled forward, never stopping, never looking back. She chuckled, ignoring the pain from her scratchy thro-
“Starlight watch out!”
Starlight tripped over a jutting rock, slamming back onto the ground. She cursed into the dust, and rolled onto her sides with a moan. Twilight rushed over, rummaging through her saddle bags. She pulled out the bottle again, and turned back to Starlight.
Twilight cursed.
The rock pierced through the skin, and crimson started spreading through the ash of her coat. Starlight followed Twilight’s eyes, gazing over her haunch. She grimaced.
Twilight dropped the saddlebag, spilling its contents haphazardly on the dusty earth. Torn parchment, a bottle, a packet of food. Something to cover the wound quickly.
Nothing.
Starlight laughed, but fell into another coughing fit. Wheezing, she spluttered her words out. “Guess I spoke too soon, then.”
Twilight’s mind raced as she surveyed the materials. An idea came into her head; she reached towards the pieces of parchment. Starlight silenced, staring at her.
Twilight took the parchment, and turned back to face an open jaw.
Vehemently shaking her head, Starlight whispered, “Don’t use that. That’s our only method of survival.”
“I’ve got nothing else.”
Starlight frowned, and replied back with force, “What? Are you crazy? That is the only way to stay alive!”
Twilight didn’t respond, instead inching towards the wound, moving the parchment over.
With a sudden burst, Starlight kicked her away, rolling further on the dust, blood pooling in splotches around her. “What in Equestria are you thinking of, Twilight! That is the only way to get out of this blasted wasteland!”
The parchment flew from Twilight’s grip, floating towards the crimson puddle. Starlight’s eyes widened, and she yelled, “Get the spell before it touches-”
It landed, and blood started seeping into the parchment, the intricate runes and symbols glowing slightly, and deteriorated before both mares, turning into dust.
The parchment was blank; nothing except soaked with blood.
Twilight picked it up, and strode over to Starlight, who was gaping wordlessly at her. She covered the wound up, stemming the blood with a knot.
After a while, both mares stood up, and shuffled back the way they came, side-by-side.
There was nothing to look forward to, anyway.
There was nothing to look back from, anyway.
A scant breeze kicked up the piles of dust smothering the land onto her muzzle. She flinched, blinking and flaring her nose before sneezing out into the open, leading to a coughing fit. Her knees bent slightly, and the unicorn lurched forwards.
“Starlight!” The rear unicorn jumped, holding out a hoof to steady the mare. Brushing aside her teal and purple bangs, she asked, “Are you alright?”
Starlight kept coughing in response, managing to squint at the supporting hoof, and sat down onto her haunches with its aid, riding out the fit over the course of a few minutes.
“Here, you need to drink some water.” The standing mare produced a small bottle from a worn saddlebag, offering it to Starlight. Much to her chagrin, Starlight immediately shook her head, hovering a hoof to ward the bottle away.
“No.” The word came out hoarse, and Starlight winced, rubbing her throat. To her dismay however, the mare only proceeded to push the bottle into her hooves. With a groan, Starlight pushed the bottle aside, and said, “Twilight, stop.”
Twilight paused, and then turned to put the bottle into the saddlebags. She knelt down, staring at Starlight’s flank for a few moments.
“You can’t go on like this,” she stated. “You can’t go on with nothing. You just can’t.”
The glare came back in full force, and Starlight snarled back.
“I will. It won’t last forever; I have to make it last. So I will go on with nothing.”
Grunting, Starlight pulled herself to her hooves, and placed one hoof in front of the other. It buckled.
Twilight widened her eyes. “No, wait-”
“I will!” Starlight snapped back, and Twilight backed down. Gritting her teeth, Starlight tensed, and willed another step forwards. Her hoof acquiesced and soon Starlight marched onwards with her eyes steeled forward, never stopping, never looking back. She chuckled, ignoring the pain from her scratchy thro-
“Starlight watch out!”
Starlight tripped over a jutting rock, slamming back onto the ground. She cursed into the dust, and rolled onto her sides with a moan. Twilight rushed over, rummaging through her saddle bags. She pulled out the bottle again, and turned back to Starlight.
Twilight cursed.
The rock pierced through the skin, and crimson started spreading through the ash of her coat. Starlight followed Twilight’s eyes, gazing over her haunch. She grimaced.
Twilight dropped the saddlebag, spilling its contents haphazardly on the dusty earth. Torn parchment, a bottle, a packet of food. Something to cover the wound quickly.
Nothing.
Starlight laughed, but fell into another coughing fit. Wheezing, she spluttered her words out. “Guess I spoke too soon, then.”
Twilight’s mind raced as she surveyed the materials. An idea came into her head; she reached towards the pieces of parchment. Starlight silenced, staring at her.
Twilight took the parchment, and turned back to face an open jaw.
Vehemently shaking her head, Starlight whispered, “Don’t use that. That’s our only method of survival.”
“I’ve got nothing else.”
Starlight frowned, and replied back with force, “What? Are you crazy? That is the only way to stay alive!”
Twilight didn’t respond, instead inching towards the wound, moving the parchment over.
With a sudden burst, Starlight kicked her away, rolling further on the dust, blood pooling in splotches around her. “What in Equestria are you thinking of, Twilight! That is the only way to get out of this blasted wasteland!”
The parchment flew from Twilight’s grip, floating towards the crimson puddle. Starlight’s eyes widened, and she yelled, “Get the spell before it touches-”
It landed, and blood started seeping into the parchment, the intricate runes and symbols glowing slightly, and deteriorated before both mares, turning into dust.
The parchment was blank; nothing except soaked with blood.
Twilight picked it up, and strode over to Starlight, who was gaping wordlessly at her. She covered the wound up, stemming the blood with a knot.
After a while, both mares stood up, and shuffled back the way they came, side-by-side.
There was nothing to look forward to, anyway.
I absolutely love the prose in this. Every line feels carefully chosen. The scenario, too, is great - exploring the what ifs of Starlight's time travelling shenanigans is always fun, and this in particular is a delightfully grim take. It's also very believable. The characters, although you don't really do much with them, are instantly recognisable from the littlest actions.
My only real complaint is that, as in character as it is, Twilight throwing away the spell instead of getting out of there for medical attention drives me a little nuts. Juuuuust a little.
Still a great piece.
My only real complaint is that, as in character as it is, Twilight throwing away the spell instead of getting out of there for medical attention drives me a little nuts. Juuuuust a little.
Still a great piece.
I really love it when stories are razor-focused like this, especially in minific rounds. I can tell you've got this very specific vision in your head of how you want to execute this, and the focus shows. It was a very bold move to keep the defining conflict vague, and to try to encapsulate the emotions of the story as a standalone.
Ultimately, I think I'm mostly just getting tripped up (ha!) over what feel like minor issues, but these little things for me were enough to derail my reading experience off of how you probably wanted me to feel/react.
For instance, I really don't see how Glim-Glam and Twinkles can't just magic themselves out of this situation, no matter what it is. Let's be honest--due to how the show has depicted these two (especially Twilight) in recent years, it's really hard to come up with a situation that genuinely feels like it could put a powerful individual like Twilight in mortal peril. Even the show itself doesn't always do a great job at this.
Maybe I'm being knitpicky, but I really feel like you need to convince me that Twi can't teleport them to safety, or magic the wound closed, or why Glimmy can't just send them back in time to before this SNAFU even happens. If you look at some of the best post-alicorn Twilight fanfics that put her in physical danger, there's almost always some kind of explanation as to why she can't magically fix things. The example that I can't get out of my head is the Celestia Code series, which gradually ramps up the scale of its skill-based magic system until finally it strands Twilight in a low-magic environment just to keep up with her power level. It also helps that a lot of its conflicts are emotional and interpersonal, rather than man vs nature.
The point of my rant (my apologies!) is that I'm not sure that you can reliably bet the stakes of this story on Twi's and Glam's well-being alone. I know that there are hints of the surrounding conflict, like the bit that makes me wonder why they turn around, and consequentially why they set off in the first place. But I'm not sure if these are substantial enough to make me really feel invested in their situation. Maybe just a few more tantalizing details might seal the deal.
I really hope I didn't come across as preachy here--the reason why I've gone into detail is because I can just barely taste what you're going for, but it's just not quite there for me. I'm really in love with what I think you're trying to do. But these deceptively small elements are really hurting my experience, like the fact that there's just a little too little explanation. I don't want you to ruin the sense of mystery you've built, but at the same time a mystery is the most fun when it's intriguing, not when it's confusing.
Ultimately, I think I'm mostly just getting tripped up (ha!) over what feel like minor issues, but these little things for me were enough to derail my reading experience off of how you probably wanted me to feel/react.
For instance, I really don't see how Glim-Glam and Twinkles can't just magic themselves out of this situation, no matter what it is. Let's be honest--due to how the show has depicted these two (especially Twilight) in recent years, it's really hard to come up with a situation that genuinely feels like it could put a powerful individual like Twilight in mortal peril. Even the show itself doesn't always do a great job at this.
Maybe I'm being knitpicky, but I really feel like you need to convince me that Twi can't teleport them to safety, or magic the wound closed, or why Glimmy can't just send them back in time to before this SNAFU even happens. If you look at some of the best post-alicorn Twilight fanfics that put her in physical danger, there's almost always some kind of explanation as to why she can't magically fix things. The example that I can't get out of my head is the Celestia Code series, which gradually ramps up the scale of its skill-based magic system until finally it strands Twilight in a low-magic environment just to keep up with her power level. It also helps that a lot of its conflicts are emotional and interpersonal, rather than man vs nature.
The point of my rant (my apologies!) is that I'm not sure that you can reliably bet the stakes of this story on Twi's and Glam's well-being alone. I know that there are hints of the surrounding conflict, like the bit that makes me wonder why they turn around, and consequentially why they set off in the first place. But I'm not sure if these are substantial enough to make me really feel invested in their situation. Maybe just a few more tantalizing details might seal the deal.
I really hope I didn't come across as preachy here--the reason why I've gone into detail is because I can just barely taste what you're going for, but it's just not quite there for me. I'm really in love with what I think you're trying to do. But these deceptively small elements are really hurting my experience, like the fact that there's just a little too little explanation. I don't want you to ruin the sense of mystery you've built, but at the same time a mystery is the most fun when it's intriguing, not when it's confusing.
Also known as: Through the Desert with a Parchment of Runes
Running impressions:
There was nothing to look back “from”, or “to”? It sounds like there's nothing to look forward to, so looking back would have been more interesting.
“smothering the land onto her muzzle” sounds like a clause; it was confusing to read.
No need for “the unicorn” at the end of paragraph 3; just use the pronoun. “the mare” in paragraph 4 (and various uses later) is also awkward, as are the pronouns in that paragraph; that took some rereading, though I was able to get it in the end. To be fair, this is a pretty tricky situation, with two characters with relatively few distinguishing characteristics—though is there a story reason to hide Twilight's name for several paragraphs? I currently read that as an attempt to have the scene sort of “fade in”, but if that's the case, I wonder if it causes more problems than it's worth. The names definitely flow more nicely in the second half.
“the glare came back in full force”—did you mean the glare from nine paragraphs ago, or some other glare which I'm not finding?
The sequence of events once the rock section gets going is confusing, partly because I think you meant “the rock had pierced”, in past perfect tense. There's actually too many little pieces of text that don't quite link to each other here to keep pointing them all out, but the biggest thing that's hard for me to correct for as a reader is: what is the parchment, and why is it their only means of survival, and if it's some kind of escape spell like I want to assume it is (especially since in the episode this seems to be based on, the closest object was a time travel parchment, and it was apparently usable from anywhere (added later: I think, at least? Maybe I need to rewatch that)), why aren't they just using it right now?
Overall: I like that you were bold enough to try to keep the surroundings vague, especially with the level-mixing similarity with the literally hazy setting, but I think maybe it went a little too far, or just needed better execution. The environment is a neat choice, and you can keep a lot of faraway details hidden to good effect, but the connections between the events that are actually in the story need to be tighter, and the writing needs to be a lot tighter on a mechanical level. I think that's all fixable, and I'd be curious what this would look like afterwards. Slate: 10th of 13.
Running impressions:
There was nothing to look back “from”, or “to”? It sounds like there's nothing to look forward to, so looking back would have been more interesting.
“smothering the land onto her muzzle” sounds like a clause; it was confusing to read.
No need for “the unicorn” at the end of paragraph 3; just use the pronoun. “the mare” in paragraph 4 (and various uses later) is also awkward, as are the pronouns in that paragraph; that took some rereading, though I was able to get it in the end. To be fair, this is a pretty tricky situation, with two characters with relatively few distinguishing characteristics—though is there a story reason to hide Twilight's name for several paragraphs? I currently read that as an attempt to have the scene sort of “fade in”, but if that's the case, I wonder if it causes more problems than it's worth. The names definitely flow more nicely in the second half.
“the glare came back in full force”—did you mean the glare from nine paragraphs ago, or some other glare which I'm not finding?
The sequence of events once the rock section gets going is confusing, partly because I think you meant “the rock had pierced”, in past perfect tense. There's actually too many little pieces of text that don't quite link to each other here to keep pointing them all out, but the biggest thing that's hard for me to correct for as a reader is: what is the parchment, and why is it their only means of survival, and if it's some kind of escape spell like I want to assume it is (especially since in the episode this seems to be based on, the closest object was a time travel parchment, and it was apparently usable from anywhere (added later: I think, at least? Maybe I need to rewatch that)), why aren't they just using it right now?
Overall: I like that you were bold enough to try to keep the surroundings vague, especially with the level-mixing similarity with the literally hazy setting, but I think maybe it went a little too far, or just needed better execution. The environment is a neat choice, and you can keep a lot of faraway details hidden to good effect, but the connections between the events that are actually in the story need to be tighter, and the writing needs to be a lot tighter on a mechanical level. I think that's all fixable, and I'd be curious what this would look like afterwards. Slate: 10th of 13.
Intense.
Competently written.
Not sure what the point was of having me read through that or how it fit the prompt. It didn't so much end as it concluded abruptly.
Since it wasn't one of the Cutie Remark time loops or they would have used the parchment and left, or it was and there is no reason that Starlight didn't activate it, or Twilight was proving something by wrecking their chances, or Starlight was proving she was strong and Twilight weak... Can you see that I see there's no determinate story here, just a stream of consciousness I cannot fathom the meaning of?
I'm guessing your entry is an incomplete submission. So, I'll keep with the competently written assessment. One nitpick: If you don't have an em-dash on your keyboard, the manuscript convention is two hyphens (dashes).
Competently written.
Not sure what the point was of having me read through that or how it fit the prompt. It didn't so much end as it concluded abruptly.
Since it wasn't one of the Cutie Remark time loops or they would have used the parchment and left, or it was and there is no reason that Starlight didn't activate it, or Twilight was proving something by wrecking their chances, or Starlight was proving she was strong and Twilight weak... Can you see that I see there's no determinate story here, just a stream of consciousness I cannot fathom the meaning of?
I'm guessing your entry is an incomplete submission. So, I'll keep with the competently written assessment. One nitpick: If you don't have an em-dash on your keyboard, the manuscript convention is two hyphens (dashes).
You've not given us the context of the conflict, as far as I can tell, and reading the above comments confirms it. That's priority number one when expanding this. Other than that... I feel like I can't comment on the characters' decisions, the stakes, the emotion, the ending, anything, without knowing what the context is. Sorry, Author.
But thanks for submitting! Best of luck to you.
But thanks for submitting! Best of luck to you.
“What in Equestria are you thinking of, Twilight! That is the only way to get out of this blasted wasteland!”
then why are you still there?
Did you... did you lose the map table?
Oh. Oh, that's what happened, isn't it?
...
Ah... um... gosh, okay, I literally just figured out what was going on as I was typing this. I was going to just kind of leave my feedback at that plothole and move on with my life. But now that I see the other reason for the premise... does my opinion of the story change at all?
...
maybe a little?
Wait. Where's Spike?