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No Rest for the Weary · She-Ra Minific ·
Nothing's Gonna Change My World
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#1 · 2
· · >>meadows
PROPER REVIEW:
This one feels like the intro for something big, after so much conflict, after spreading herself too thin, Adora has to do something drastic

Maybe Adora just sees the most logical conclusion is to just get rid of catra? becuase....

It seems her injuires are such, that trasnforming back to adora might kill her, so knowing she is already dead, decides to take Catra with her, its so heartbraking, hold Catra one last time, if she can change or not, they could be together again in death ;/

I know i look too deep into things, but seeing it like that REALLY hit me hard.

Tho if this was to coninue, then they probably are going places for Adventure!! , Does she grab Catra and take her off to Eternia? lol?
#2 · 3
· · >>meadows
You saw a 750-word limit and thought, "yes, let's fit an apocalypse into that word count." Bold move, sport! I admire the cut of your jib.

The story does audibly struggle against its limits, admittedly, something real hard to avoid in a format like this. That said, if my immediate reaction is "I want to see more of it," you can't be doing *too* badly, can ya?

I'm not sure I can single out a particular favorite moment 'cause the whole tale feels like a moment in time, which is also its big strength. This thing is dripping with melancholy. Like accidentally taking a look at the last page and realizing that the story's gonna have a sad ending.
#3 · 2
·
Adora, what are you doing? You went full Mara, man. Never go full Mara.

Kriegs summed it up quite well, but the sheer density of powerful imagery packed into this fic was quite a feat. Apocalyptic battle, Adora basically on death's door, She-Ra stretching her powers to the limit by trying to be everywhere at once, Catra getting called out for turning into Shadow Weaver, and the whole "mortal freezes in awe upon seeing a divine being's full power manifested". I like all of these things.

My only real feedback is that this fic should be longer. There should be more.

In conclusion: fic fucked me up in such a good way.
#4 · 2
· · >>meadows
that was a hell of a lot of feelings packed into such a short 750 or less words, man. the ending, especially, got to me: catra and adora, together at last after such a long period of warring with each other, except this togetherness comes in a form nobody would have expected. kudos to you for that.

besides certain punctuation errors that can easily be fixed, there were certain parts near the end where you seemed to shift between adora's point of view and catra's. did you mean to do that? if so, perhaps some form of separation between the POVs could be used in order for the reader to properly see the distinction between them. :)
#5 · 1
· · >>meadows
The dialogue reminds me of Star Wars, but the ending reminds me of Equestria Girls. Catra as Sunset Shimmer? There are worse comparisons.
#6 · 2
· · >>meadows
I love the imagery here... In a good way, it feels like the climax of a much larger fic.

I'd probably have to reread it a couple times to really unpack all of the content here, and I wouldn't be surprised if others would too. I think that's a sign of great authorship.

Keep it up!
#7 · 2
· · >>Posh >>meadows >>QuillScratch
First time commenting on a She-Ra round, as I just finished watching the show. Since we have a lot of newcomers, I'll put this header on my comment for every story, since I don't know whether the new people will read the whole discussion thread or just the one for their story.

The write-offs were originally from the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic fandom, which has an unusually high caliber of writing standards. Or at least it used to. Sure, there's plenty of bad stuff here, but when you attract that large an audience, you attract a proportionally large number of very good writers, and those tended to congregate in a couple of key places. One, in reviewing groups that helped writers develop, and two, in places like this, that at their best function more as a writing workshop than a competition.

Since I haven't actually started reading any of these as I write this intro, I'll say I don't know how the average writing quality of any given fandom compares to MLP, and it's possible that the critiques given by the MLP veterans will come across as harsh. That's not the intent. I wouldn't spend the 15-30 minutes it takes per minific for me to read, digest, and write up a response if I was just trying to be mean. We all really do intend to help you improve your writing.

I'll put all this above a break so people reading the whole thread will know where to skip down to on subsequent posts.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Oh boy, another link, and right up front, no less. Just let your writing speak for itself. If you expect the reader to have the same attachment to whatever music, image, or video you're linking, that's a gamble you're almost certain to lose, and if it's necessary to get the reader engaged in the story, then you haven't done your job with the writing.

To be frank, the beginning is pretty dull. It's telling me she's in a dire situation, but it's doing it in such a matter-of-fact way, divorced from Adora's feelings about it, that it comes across as coldly factual. Demonstrate how she feels. If you want an omniscient narrator, that means letting me see her behave as if she's struggling. If you want a limited narrator, that also means having the narrative tone sound like someone who's struggling. When you leave it as a fact with no demonstrated character emotions tied to it, then it's not going to make the reader empathize with her.

Ah, so you're going to introduce a new power of She-Ra to exist in multiple places at once? Kind of bold, but I don't think it's necessary for the story, so be careful about Mary Sue-ing her up.

In their dialogue, you're making a very common mistake, and that's having them call each other by name so frequently. That makes the conversation feel unnatural. People just don't do that. There are specific uses for it, but you don't have any of those here. Adora doesn't need Catra using her name to know she's speaking to her, since they're the only two there. Adora doesn't need to use Catra's name to get her attention; she already has it. They can do this to stress a point, but you have to use that sparingly. If you stress everything, you're effectively stressing nothing.

Oh no. "A single tear rolled down her cheek." This is the second or third most cliched sentence you could have possibly written. "It was a dark and stormy night" gets the top nod, and this one is a tough call to rate against "she let out a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding." Please don't do this.

You have some editing issues, mostly in comma splices, but also one spot where the dialogue capitalization is off.

By the end, it's more clear you're trying to use a limited narrator in Adora's perspective, but that leaves the beginning seeming even more impersonal, because it implies these are Adora's actual thought processes about the battle, and she states them so emotionlessly. One other thing to consider about a limited narrator meaning Adora's the one choosing what the narrator says: when you refer to Catra as "the feline lady," it's Adora doing so. Why would she refer to someone she knows so well with such an external and impersonal descriptor? You don't mentally call your friends things like that. It's fighting the perspective. Well, then there are places you have the narrator say things from Catra's thoughts and impressions. Perspective is a tough thing to get a handle on, but once you do, your writing will benefit greatly from it.

The short version is that if you keep jumping between their viewpoints, it doesn't let the reader get settled into, i.e., identify with, either one of them; it can get confusing when every time the narrator says something subjective, I have to stop and take a mental inventory of who holds the perspective at the moment; and it can muddy the waters as to who the story's actually about. (Hint: you can still show growth of a character from outside their viewpoint.) It's worth sticking to a single viewpoint per scene until you're experienced with knowing when it's a good idea to shift perspectives and how to do it smoothly. In a story this short, it shouldn't really be necessary to do it at all.

Now, I'm a sucker for sad stories with a feel-good ending, so I liked the story despite having misgivings about it. And those misgivings are that this story didn't surprise me in any way. It's just following the inevitable direction the show clearly wants to regarding these two (and already has, to a degree). In other words, in any given She-Ra round, I would expect someone to write a story where exactly this happens, so you have to throw something in there to surprise the reader about your take on it, and you really haven't done that. Why would I read your version of it over the dozens of other identical ones I could probably find on AO3? Maybe the writing quality is higher than the average those would have, and while that can make a story float up, it's got to have exceptional writing quality to make it memorable in that case.

So... pretty well done, but there's nothing unique here, and I probably won't remember the story in a week.
#8 · 6
· · >>Pascoite >>meadows >>Miller Minus
I'm not participating in this round, but I peeked at the reviews out of curiosity. I have to say something to >>Pascoite.

I'm not here to tell you not to be honest, or to kiss a writer's ass when they've made mistakes. Writing communities like ours work best when we're honest about stories' merits and shortcomings, and pussyfooting around errors helps nobody.

But as you pointed out, we have a legion of newcomers for this She-Ra round. That means people who aren't members of the writeoff community that's developed over the years, as well as younger, less experienced writers as well, are throwing their hats into this ring for the first time. A newcomer in an environment like this no doubt expects to be criticized, but would hope to be, at the very least, encouraged.

Your review highlights positives, and criticizes honestly. That's good. But this?

Now, I'm a sucker for sad stories with a feel-good ending, so I liked the story despite having misgivings about it. And those misgivings are that this story didn't surprise me in any way. It's just following the inevitable direction the show clearly wants to regarding these two (and already has, to a degree). In other words, in any given She-Ra round, I would expect someone to write a story where exactly this happens, so you have to throw something in there to surprise the reader about your take on it, and you really haven't done that. Why would I read your version of it over the dozens of other identical ones I could probably find on AO3? Maybe the writing quality is higher than the average those would have, and while that can make a story float up, it's got to have exceptional writing quality to make it memorable in that case.

So... pretty well done, but there's nothing unique here, and I probably won't remember the story in a week.


We want people to keep coming back to these contests, to keep this community alive and evolving in the face of MLP's ever-shortening lifespan. But if I were a first-time writer in a competition like this, and I got a review like this one, I wouldn't be particularly encouraged to come back. Not if I were going to be spoken to in such a belittling, dismissive, condescending manner.

I respect you, Pasc, but that's just insulting.
#9 ·
· · >>Posh
>>Posh
Rather than write up a long response, I'll just say that I don't see your issue at all. What I wrote doesn't sound insulting to me. The story didn't surprise me, and surprise is what makes you remember a story. I said that several other stories didn't surprise me either, and you're not complaining about those. I don't see what you're seeing.
#10 · 7
·
>>Pascoite You don't see how someone could read your review, particularly your last few lines, as dismissive or condescending? You really, really don't see how someone could take "pretty good, but I won't remember it in a week" as a back-handed compliment?

Because if you can't, then I don't know how to explain it to you.
#11 · 3
· · >>Miller Minus
>>>>Pascoite
If this is the kind of feedback culture that exists here for WriteOff, I never want to be a part of this place.
Rather than write a response full of vitriol and righteous-indignation, I'm going to take the high road and walk away permanently.

Learn to think before you speak, because you've just discouraged and driven away a lot of new authors with your hostile commentary.

>>Posh
Thank you for writing what several of us have been wanting to say in the wake of these reviews, it's nice to know that someone else here feels the same about the nature of feedback that was given on every fic in this round.
#12 · 2
· · >>meadows
>>meadows

Hi there.

I'm sorry you feel this way, and I understand if it's turned you off the contests for good. I promise this comment isn't me hanging on to your coattails and begging you to stay as you march out the door. I just find it a little... funny, I guess, that someone has just had the exact same first interaction with Pascoite that I had.

I won't be able to find it, but basically I submitted a story to an MLP-themed newsletter (EquestriaDaily) that ended up on his desk for screening. I had two things going for it, and I was very proud of those two things; he promptly identified these two things and dismissed them so flatly that it left me devastated. This story had done pretty well with early pre-readers. So I responded (a little indignantly) asking him what the hell he even liked about the story so that I at least had something to work with. We worked it out with a little dialogue, and I'd be lying if I said I learned nothing from the experience.

Now, I'm not going to excuse Pasco's tone here (I only read the paragraph that >>Posh quoted, and yeah, it's probably too much, especially for a new crowd), but I do want to say that being able to receive a harsh review and move past it is an indispensable skill for any creator. Whether you do it by assuming the reviewer was just tired, or that they hate the source material, or that they were having a bad day, or by leaving them a little polite-yet-agressive note in your retrospective after the contest ends (I'm a big fan of this one), whatever. But because God is cruel, the only way to learn how to deal with harsh reviews is to receive them.

Writing workshops can be an ugly business sometimes, especially with the world being so full of morons who think that their opinion is worthwhile even when it only boils down to "this sucks, lawl". But Pasco is not one of those people.

Lastly—and I can't stress this enough—Pasco does not represent the feedback culture you can find on the Writeoff. Not any one of us do. And that's kind of the point. For what it's worth, it's my experience that for every bristly reviewer we have, there's at least two or more reviewers with a much softer touch. And anyone might have something important to say.

Thanks for reading. Take care, wherever you go.
#13 · 1
·
>>Miller Minus
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I understand what you are saying with regards to feedback and being able to receive it as an author. I've taken part in plenty of other writers' workshops before, this isn't a new concept to me.

What I can't abide by is someone like Pascoite coming along to freely insult, belittle, and dismiss my fellow writers (as Posh observed and commented). None of us should have to accept that sort of treatment--I absolutely refuse to. It's simpler to just shut the door on that kind of abuse by not participating. I will go someplace where this kind of toxic behavior is unwelcome, which clearly isn't the case here at WriteOff...
#14 · 1
· · >>meadows
I'd promised myself I was going to start my reviewing this morning with the entries with the least reviews, but I thought I'd start by giving this author a notification that wasn't drama instead 😋

I like this entry, despite the fact that I've never been all that keen on embedded links as a reader. I think this entry handles the link well: stories where a link shows up for the first time in the middle of a sentence, several chapters in, tend to break my immersion at that point, so I like that you've opened with it to avoid that shock. That is, of course, personal preference (but what in reviews isn't?), but I felt it was worth sharing regardless.

Despite my personal opinions on links, I thoroughly disagree with >>Pascoite on what they mean for an author's success. Reliance on external sources is not a failure on the part of the author (putting aside fanfic for a moment, bringing meaning through reference to extra-textual sources is an important skill to develop as a writer - what else would you call a metaphor built around iconography of a world religion, for example?), and links are a natural part of writing on the internet. Not all writing has to work in traditional print media, and I don't see the purpose of critiquing an online piece for using an aspect of its medium at all, rather than critiquing it for how it uses it.

How does this piece use that extra-textual source, then? Opening with the link, the tone is set by the song: a light, distant piece, with the refrain "nothing's gonna change my world" (oh hey, the title ties into it too!) This helps to understand the distance the piece looks on Adora with: your gorgeous second paragraph's decision to tell, not show, fully consistent with this quiet, meditative sort of defiance. Adora's exhaustion, too, comes through in drawled tones. An excellent tone-setter, indeed, and used creatively.

Onto the writing itself!

Your first paragraph might benefit from some varied sentence lengths - honestly I think it's fine as it is, but I'd love to see that tiny bit more stylistic flair to get me hooked, since I didn't really feel invested till midway through paragraph two. Even just joining a pair of sentences with a conjunction or semicolon would be enough, because content-wise it's a perfectly good opener.

The dialogue, for the most part, is strong, but there's one part of it I'm not super keen on: you introduce the idea of Catra becoming more like Shadow Weaver in dialogue, which left me uncertain as to whether it was an honest assessment, or Adora trying to play on Catra's insecurities. Both are good, and there are places in fiction where ambiguity is a strength; I'm not convinced that here is one such place. Likely this is a consequence of the tight wordcount, and I'd love to see this cleared up in a later draft.

And that's really all I have left to complain about, author. This piece is lovely: emotive yet distant all at once. I adore your second paragraph in particular, with that image of She-Ra rending space asunder to fight on multiple fronts is a delight. I'm also not quite sure how to put into words my feelings about the ending, except that they are Good. Thanks for sharing this!
#15 · 1
·
>>BearPigs
I don't think you look too deep into things at all. That's pretty much exactly how I intended for it to come across, haha. So glad to hear you enjoyed the fic!

Adora's in a dire situation and knows she's not going to last much longer. Catra is the one driving the push for destruction (she maybe even defeated/dethroned Hordak offscreen at this point) and she's completely lost herself trying to prove...whatever it is Catra wants to prove. That she's stronger than anyone, I guess?

But yeah, I plan to expand and possibly continue this later. Trying to fit it all into 750 words meant some other good details I had planned were left out.
#16 · 1
·
>>KriegsaffeNo9
I said I was going to try and challenge myself with this contest, so I did. This concept was very difficult to execute effectively within the word limit.

You're absolutely right in that it strains against its word limit. It wants to be more and have deeper narration to build around the core scene, but those words man... just not enough of 'em.

I wanted to capture a very specific moment here that spoke to the theme of the contest, that was sort of my driving goal with this. I said "What happens if Adora is beyond tired and about to fall over from physical exhaustion? What sort of situation would cause that?" and then took it to its natural conclusion.
#17 · 1
·
>>salamander
Thank you, thank you. Nothing like walking into a minific and unexpectedly getting a hard dose of FEELINGS to the face, eh?

Very good feedback about the "POV" issues, I definitely noticed what you meant after rereading it. That is the tricky thing when writing two characters who have the same pronouns and are interacting very closely with one another, I find.

It's ultimately written from a 3rd-person Omniscient Narrator's POV, and Catra's and Adora's actions are being described by that entity watching the scene. So it sounds like it's just a matter of clarifying certain actions and which character they belong to.
#18 · 1
·
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
I have no idea what that is but it sounds like some kind of MLP thing and also a compliment so... thanks?
#19 · 1
·
>>Lazer
Yes, good good. I'm glad the imagery rang true for you.
I was trying to convey a sense of something larger going on around it, and this was just a single scene/snapshot from it.

As mentioned, my intent is to expand this fic and possibly integrate it into another one I have planned already.
#20 · 1
·
>>QuillScratch
I'll keep it brief and just say the song was added 100% after the fact. I had about 25 words left under the limit and wanted to toss in a dash of extra flavor that fit with the tone of the fic. I'm glad it came across the right way for you.

It was meant to pair with the image of She-Ra's golden aura: made of limitless undying love and shining around her like a million suns. Paraphrasing that line directly in the body fic would have been cheesy/disruptive, though.

Great points about the sentence length/variation. This was definitely a side-effect of the word length limit. I cut out some conjunctions to save on words, but I will bolster that and make the sentences more fluid when I edit and republish this.

I see what you mean about the dialogue with Catra being called out for turning into Shadow Weaver and how that's confusing in the context. What I really meant here was that, it's more of Catra's actions that make her like Shadow Weaver. She's manipulating, power-hungry, and cruel. Adora is saddened by watching Catra devolve and chooses this moment to comment on it. It will be clarified in the next draft!

Thank you for your thoughtful and constructive review. It felt like a breath of fresh air.
#21 ·
·
I've responded to all the worthwhile comments I received. Thank you to those who made the effort to give constructive feedback.

That said, I am now invoking my right as an author to revoke any and all publishing rights granted to WriteOff as part of posting my work here. I've deleted the story and will be publishing it elsewhere.

Some may think this is extreme, but I want to make a statement about acceptable treatment of members in a writing community.

Actions have consequences, and the consequence of one individual's appalling behavior and has resulted in my decision to leave this place.
I encourage others to do the same if they feel so inclined.