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Why Can't You See Me?
She-Ra Short Story
3rd
60%
177
Transcribed Memories
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No Rest for the Weary
She-Ra Minific
7th
14%
9
A Fiery End
#20658 · 4
·
honestly i'm just glad a prompt without character names was selected, cause that would narrow the field quite a bit

altho if you think about it, separate ways itself could easily be interpreted as highly specific...
#21040 · 3
· on everything stays
this was beautifully written! i understand that the no-capital-letters thing was an aesthetic choice, one which i make many times myself, so it was a pleasing read for me.

i'm sure there's a phrase for pretty prose like this that i can't seem to remember (one that isn't purple prose) but that's what this is. you've put a lot of time into styling your sentences just so, and it shows.

the content itself is beautiful, too: the cyclic nature of everything, including your story itself, bringing the point up at last, in the very end, about catra waiting for the next cycle was, as anon y mous already put it, incredibly moving, and i salute you. paragraph spacing could be more consistent, and i'm sure the whole piece would also read well even with the missing capitalized letters, but all in all, i enjoyed reading this immensely, so kudos!
#21041 · 3
· on Fire
this is an interesting fic! you've written well-formed descriptive paragraphs, focusing on the surroundings of the characters and doing so in detail. said characters are, well, characterized competently, with catra's thoughts and scorpia's pouncing on the lithium-ion batteries remaining in my mind. there was one bit, though, which confused me for a bit: the part where adora and catra met. it took me a couple readthroughs to figure out who was speaking when, so perhaps that could be rewritten to clarify what you were trying to say?

there is, of course, the inevitable mention of grammar and punctuation, which was off in a number of places. (i think the tense you were using changed once, too.) with some editing, this fic could be a much smoother read :)
#21062 · 2
· on A Fiery End · >>QuillScratch
i'll admit, i laughed in a number of places while reading this fic. mermista being perpetually tired, having to deal with everything herself, not to mention seahawk's enthusiasm permeating his actions... it made for a pretty good combination.

as bearpigs mentioned above, this was short and sweet, but perhaps there were too many short sentences grouped together at times? adding a few longer ones in between the short ones would mix things up a little :)
#21063 · 2
· on Safety In Your Arms
and here i find yet another well-written entry. i like your choice of subject, as seemingly does everyone else, since the aftermath of glimmer's time captured by shadow weaver was something we all wanted explored, and you did just that for us. (some glimadora added to the mix never hurts, either!)

i'm pretty sure both meadows and bearpigs have covered the two topics i noticed myself i. e. the "obsessed with me" bit and how, given a little more time (and a higher word count limit) this story could have had more detail. besides that, i have no criticism to give :)
#21064 · 2
· on Fifteen Rules of Engagement: A Cadet's Guide
this was an incredibly creative fic with how you decided to format it, and i salute you for that! not only did you nail scorpia's personality in your writing, but you also managed to bring out catra's: the way scorpia perceives her, that is.

i would have loved to read more of this, not because i think the word limit, well, limited how much you could write (it's perfectly well-rounded and doesn't actually need more to it), but because i personally enjoyed it too much to want to leave it at that :) i wonder what catra would do if she discovered the pamphlet after all?
#21065 · 2
· on Nothing's Gonna Change My World · >>meadows
that was a hell of a lot of feelings packed into such a short 750 or less words, man. the ending, especially, got to me: catra and adora, together at last after such a long period of warring with each other, except this togetherness comes in a form nobody would have expected. kudos to you for that.

besides certain punctuation errors that can easily be fixed, there were certain parts near the end where you seemed to shift between adora's point of view and catra's. did you mean to do that? if so, perhaps some form of separation between the POVs could be used in order for the reader to properly see the distinction between them. :)
#21066 · 2
· on Do You Remember The Last Time You Woke Up?
took me a paragraph or two to figure out what exactly was happening in the story and sink into it, but all of that certainly did happen! the story fits the prompt quite literally, and the description of what a drug like DROSTE would do to the Super Pal Trio's general temperaments and mannerisms was very well done. oh, if only i could know whether everything that happened was simply catra hallucinating or if some parts of it were true!

i've already mentioned this in one way, but the beginning having more clarification would certainly help a reader to start enjoying it earlier. all in all, a good work :)
#21533 · 2
· on Transcribed Memories
scramblers has already mentioned this, and typed out my own thoughts far better than i possibly could, so i'll limit myself to saying only that your characterization of scorpia, and the manner in which you have presented us with a view of her world, is remarkable. the format, too, causes this piece to stand out in its own way as unique.

the journey from season 1's scorpia to the scorpia of season 2 shows her growth from merely a surface-level, light-hearted character to a more introspective one. the one problem i as a reader experienced, however, was the sudden transition between the two types of entries: the mention of seahawk made me wonder for a second if the scene scorpia was about to describe was from the episode where adora and company rescued glimmer/bow from their brief captivity, only to read the line

long story, but I can tell you it involved a corrupted sword, lots of snow, and a couple of deadly centipede monsters


and finally realize that there had been a notable time skip. a couple of extra diary entries, even if short, between Princess Prom and White Out and yes, i just googled the episode name, could help make the changeover smoother and therefore an easier read.
#21542 · 2
· on On Scorpia's Watch
my first impression of this piece was that it was well written, with a solid construction and ample description, balancing out the dialogue that came later; my second impression was much the same. it was only after reading scramblers' mention of modifiers that i went back, looked at the opening paragraph more carefully, and realized that there were, in fact, a couple too many adjectives, making the description lean just this side of "too heavy".

here what i am trying to say, then, is that this entry may need a bit of work as a written piece, but it reads easily as a fanfic - that is how i originally read it, after all. highlighting the more tragic aspects of the cartoon, presenting to the reader the side of the Horde that the TV-Y7-ness of the show glosses over entirely, it has a number of original elements that would appeal to an audience on the lookout for a new fic to read, combining said elements with conventions like exploring the relationship between scorpia and catra and that must be a convention, if most of the entries this round revolved around it, right?.

the side of scorpia we see here fits in well with the themes mentioned; however, it is only one side of her. hints of the more light-hearted, oblivious outlook scorpia boasts for the majority of the show can be seen in certain lines - "she was not out of shape", for instance - but they are few and far between, and the lack of more of them leaves us thinking that there is something in scorpia's personality that is missing. catra, too, does not seem through the show to be the type of person who would be this introspective so easily; in contrast, lonnie and kyle, relatively short though their appearances may be, look and sound exactly like lonnie and kyle. characterisation, then, which at the moment fluctuates and isn't constant, is something that needs to be focused on.