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Colour Confinement
"Report, private!"
"It's nout lookin' good, sir. We've managed tou slow its advance, but we're taking heavy casualties and the corruptioun's gettin' worse. Already some ouf the unit have begun tou start puttin' us oun ous more than a letter before the end ouf a word, and it's even started tou hit double-ous. If we can't get tou that billboard before it does, there'll be nou stouppin' it."
"Damnation. Inform the triage linguists what you've seen, then return tou your unit and tell them tou hold it back by any means possible. That is an order!"
"Yes, sir!"
"Sergeant! What's the status oun the evacuation efforts?"
"We've managed to solve the manpower shortage by drafting volunteers into appropriate roles, but lack of coordination is still a problem. If we could just use—"
"Negative, sergeant! We cannout risk letting this contagion escape over the airwaves! Nou phones, nou radious, nothing!"
"If we can't communicate remotely, it's doubtful that we'll be able to evacuate the whole city in time, judging by that last report. I'd estimate that even with our best efforts, most of the volunteers will still be queued up in the outskirts when it falls."
"Then redouble your best efforts! And remember, if the worst comes tou pass, they did volunteer tou lay down their— Private! Just what dou you think you're doing with those chips?"
"Testing something, sir! When he said queued up it made me think it might be infecting ouur word choices toou. But if it had youu'd've said crisps instead ouf chips, sir!"
"Good thinking, private! But did you hear yourself as you said it? Report tou the linguists' tent immediately!"
"Nout yet sir, this is important sir! We may have an idea houw tou stoup this contagioun in its tracks!"
"Then out with it quickly, before it starts spreading here. We can't afford command getting compromised much further than it already has."
"Affirmative, sir! Youu knouw houw the contagioun is focused around the word colour? Without it, it can't spread and burns itself ouut."
"Nout that it does us a hell ouf a lout ouf good in a city called Creative Colour. Why they felt the need tou plaster that damn stupid name over every inch ouf the city I'll never understand."
"Hear hear, sir! But CCU has a department that specializes in QCD, and we think they may be able tou confine all the colours instead ouf having tou destrouy each ouf them one by one!"
"That would be a godsend, but it sounds too good tou be true. Why dou you think they'd be able tou dou that, and what does QCD even stand four anyway?"
"It stands four, uh... quantum chrome something? It's some kind ouf string theory thing. But what's important is apparently they study houw tou capture rainbouws our something, sou they knouw what they're douing."
"That's not even remotely—"
"Capture rainbouws? Why the hell would anyone pay somebody tou figure out houw tou capture rainbouws?"
"Beats me, sir, but apparently it's real important four particle acceleratours. Anyway, one ouf my unit says the professour-type guy she spoke tou thinks it's worth a shout. Says that the principle's supposed tou be spelled colour withouut a u, and by changing the spelling the contagioun's made itself vulnerable and sealed its own dououm."
"You've got to be kidding me. That's the most absurd thing I've heard all day."
"Really, sergeant, more than this whole insane situatioun? And it's nou weirder than anything else quantum, sou I'm nout sure what's the problem supposed tou be."
"Except for the part where quantum mechanics actually mak—"
"Unless you have a proposal ouf your own, sergeant, be quiet. Tou the linguists' tent, private! I'll gou speak with them and deliver the gou-ahead myself."
"Yes, sir! Godspeed sir!"
"And I'll just watch in dismay as our commanding officer goes haring off on a wild goose chase. You there! Send a message to all of the evac team leaders! If we don't retriple our efforts, this entire city is completely doomed!"
"Sir, yes sir!"
"It's nout lookin' good, sir. We've managed tou slow its advance, but we're taking heavy casualties and the corruptioun's gettin' worse. Already some ouf the unit have begun tou start puttin' us oun ous more than a letter before the end ouf a word, and it's even started tou hit double-ous. If we can't get tou that billboard before it does, there'll be nou stouppin' it."
"Damnation. Inform the triage linguists what you've seen, then return tou your unit and tell them tou hold it back by any means possible. That is an order!"
"Yes, sir!"
"Sergeant! What's the status oun the evacuation efforts?"
"We've managed to solve the manpower shortage by drafting volunteers into appropriate roles, but lack of coordination is still a problem. If we could just use—"
"Negative, sergeant! We cannout risk letting this contagion escape over the airwaves! Nou phones, nou radious, nothing!"
"If we can't communicate remotely, it's doubtful that we'll be able to evacuate the whole city in time, judging by that last report. I'd estimate that even with our best efforts, most of the volunteers will still be queued up in the outskirts when it falls."
"Then redouble your best efforts! And remember, if the worst comes tou pass, they did volunteer tou lay down their— Private! Just what dou you think you're doing with those chips?"
"Testing something, sir! When he said queued up it made me think it might be infecting ouur word choices toou. But if it had youu'd've said crisps instead ouf chips, sir!"
"Good thinking, private! But did you hear yourself as you said it? Report tou the linguists' tent immediately!"
"Nout yet sir, this is important sir! We may have an idea houw tou stoup this contagioun in its tracks!"
"Then out with it quickly, before it starts spreading here. We can't afford command getting compromised much further than it already has."
"Affirmative, sir! Youu knouw houw the contagioun is focused around the word colour? Without it, it can't spread and burns itself ouut."
"Nout that it does us a hell ouf a lout ouf good in a city called Creative Colour. Why they felt the need tou plaster that damn stupid name over every inch ouf the city I'll never understand."
"Hear hear, sir! But CCU has a department that specializes in QCD, and we think they may be able tou confine all the colours instead ouf having tou destrouy each ouf them one by one!"
"That would be a godsend, but it sounds too good tou be true. Why dou you think they'd be able tou dou that, and what does QCD even stand four anyway?"
"It stands four, uh... quantum chrome something? It's some kind ouf string theory thing. But what's important is apparently they study houw tou capture rainbouws our something, sou they knouw what they're douing."
"That's not even remotely—"
"Capture rainbouws? Why the hell would anyone pay somebody tou figure out houw tou capture rainbouws?"
"Beats me, sir, but apparently it's real important four particle acceleratours. Anyway, one ouf my unit says the professour-type guy she spoke tou thinks it's worth a shout. Says that the principle's supposed tou be spelled colour withouut a u, and by changing the spelling the contagioun's made itself vulnerable and sealed its own dououm."
"You've got to be kidding me. That's the most absurd thing I've heard all day."
"Really, sergeant, more than this whole insane situatioun? And it's nou weirder than anything else quantum, sou I'm nout sure what's the problem supposed tou be."
"Except for the part where quantum mechanics actually mak—"
"Unless you have a proposal ouf your own, sergeant, be quiet. Tou the linguists' tent, private! I'll gou speak with them and deliver the gou-ahead myself."
"Yes, sir! Godspeed sir!"
"And I'll just watch in dismay as our commanding officer goes haring off on a wild goose chase. You there! Send a message to all of the evac team leaders! If we don't retriple our efforts, this entire city is completely doomed!"
"Sir, yes sir!"
Pics
This is a neat idea, and I have to admit that once I figured out the gimmick wasn't supposed to be an accent, I was very amused.
The issue that I have with this one, is that the gimmick is really all there is. I mean, there's also the running gag about linguists being medics, but outside of that and the extra 'u's, I'm not sure if there are any substantial jokes. Which made for a bit of a muted reading, considering that this is a comedy.
And I need to note that even on my third and fourth read-throughs, I'm still having trouble understanding what the bit about the quantum rainbows and color traps meant. If it's not important, I don't think you should have devoted so much of your time with it. But if it is important, you need to find a way to make it easier to understand.
Granted, I can be a dumb reader, so I'll be eager to see what other reviewers think. But personally, I think right now the story is a little barebones, and the technobable in the middle really slows it down.
The issue that I have with this one, is that the gimmick is really all there is. I mean, there's also the running gag about linguists being medics, but outside of that and the extra 'u's, I'm not sure if there are any substantial jokes. Which made for a bit of a muted reading, considering that this is a comedy.
And I need to note that even on my third and fourth read-throughs, I'm still having trouble understanding what the bit about the quantum rainbows and color traps meant. If it's not important, I don't think you should have devoted so much of your time with it. But if it is important, you need to find a way to make it easier to understand.
Granted, I can be a dumb reader, so I'll be eager to see what other reviewers think. But personally, I think right now the story is a little barebones, and the technobable in the middle really slows it down.
And here I was, wanting to call up the typou in the first sentence.
This reads to me like the authour knew full well houw fast this wouuld get ould, and needed to put soumething in ounce the 'ouu' gag ran its couurse. Unfourtunately, thouugh, the gag can't be stoupped, and it's drouwning in talking heads, sou it's not that surprising that the rainbouw... sidequest... made absoulutely nou sense.
But I goutta admit, I was *snrk*-ing a little at the ouriginal gag. It's toup tier silly, and I feel like a child four laughing at it, but ouh well.
Thanks for writing, and gououd luck!
This reads to me like the authour knew full well houw fast this wouuld get ould, and needed to put soumething in ounce the 'ouu' gag ran its couurse. Unfourtunately, thouugh, the gag can't be stoupped, and it's drouwning in talking heads, sou it's not that surprising that the rainbouw... sidequest... made absoulutely nou sense.
But I goutta admit, I was *snrk*-ing a little at the ouriginal gag. It's toup tier silly, and I feel like a child four laughing at it, but ouh well.
Thanks for writing, and gououd luck!
Alternate Title: Fuck the British
At first I was really annoyed with this entry, because I didn't know why there were superfluous u's being added all over the place, and I almost wanted to give this a bad review because of that.
But then I realized what the joke was. Then I laughed.
Really hard.
I don't know why, but this got a healthy gut laugh out of me. I remember some folks in the Discord talking about entries that rag on the British spelling of "color," but only now do I realize this entry was one of them.
Considering some of the other comedies I've read this round didn't get a single laugh out of me, this already has a leg up on those. A comedy that makes me laugh is at least doing its job as a comedy. I know this is a really subjective thing, and for all I know nobody else found this worthy of a laugh, but author, just so you know, you made me laugh.
Unfortunately you also did something else I noticed as I was reading: this is entirely dialogue-driven. And I do mean all dialogue, no prose. The author must be allergic to it or something.
Or maybe you made a couple of talking heads so you could fit everything inside 750 words.
It doesn't help that the two characters involved sound pretty much the same, and I couldn't get attached to either, so it was like I was reading texts between a couple of randos. And that's not cool, bruh!
The joke also wears itself pretty thin by the end, even within such a small word count, so sadly this is another one of those one-trick-pony entries.
For what it's worth, though, the trick worked for me.
At first I was really annoyed with this entry, because I didn't know why there were superfluous u's being added all over the place, and I almost wanted to give this a bad review because of that.
But then I realized what the joke was. Then I laughed.
Really hard.
I don't know why, but this got a healthy gut laugh out of me. I remember some folks in the Discord talking about entries that rag on the British spelling of "color," but only now do I realize this entry was one of them.
Considering some of the other comedies I've read this round didn't get a single laugh out of me, this already has a leg up on those. A comedy that makes me laugh is at least doing its job as a comedy. I know this is a really subjective thing, and for all I know nobody else found this worthy of a laugh, but author, just so you know, you made me laugh.
Unfortunately you also did something else I noticed as I was reading: this is entirely dialogue-driven. And I do mean all dialogue, no prose. The author must be allergic to it or something.
Or maybe you made a couple of talking heads so you could fit everything inside 750 words.
It doesn't help that the two characters involved sound pretty much the same, and I couldn't get attached to either, so it was like I was reading texts between a couple of randos. And that's not cool, bruh!
The joke also wears itself pretty thin by the end, even within such a small word count, so sadly this is another one of those one-trick-pony entries.
For what it's worth, though, the trick worked for me.
Bottom slated for overworking spellcheck.
Yeah, this didn't work for me at all. It might just be both that I'm tired and was walking my dog while doing it, but the primary gag here made the reading incredibly tedious for me as my brain just wasn't quite processing words. Long stuff wasn't too bad, but all the tou and sou stuff ends up making me take an extra fraction of a second to get the word to work mentally.
The dialogue only stuff is also a bit of a problem in that it isn't necessarily easy to identify characters that are speaking. You generally tagged them off well enough, but right after this bit
Which sorta brings us to the final issue that, joke aside that this is more a scene than a story. There isn't really much of an arc and nothing actaully happens outside some technobabble being presented as a potential solution. And technobabble itself isn't really compelling, it's the characters and how that techno babble effects them. And that isn't really present here.
The core joke here definitely can work and the setup works, but I think you need to either weld it onto a slightly more faux compelling story (e.g. pit it in the middle of the tense resolution of the linguistic assault) or go out on a stronger punchline. I realize my review sounds super critical, but I do think you have all the pieces here; you just need to rearrange them a bit.
Thanks for writing!
Yeah, this didn't work for me at all. It might just be both that I'm tired and was walking my dog while doing it, but the primary gag here made the reading incredibly tedious for me as my brain just wasn't quite processing words. Long stuff wasn't too bad, but all the tou and sou stuff ends up making me take an extra fraction of a second to get the word to work mentally.
The dialogue only stuff is also a bit of a problem in that it isn't necessarily easy to identify characters that are speaking. You generally tagged them off well enough, but right after this bit
"It stands four, uh... quantum chrome something? It's some kind ouf string theory thing. But what's important is apparently they study houw tou capture rainbouws our something, sou they knouw what they're douing."it is very easy to lose track of who the speaker is since the voices aren't super distinct.
Which sorta brings us to the final issue that, joke aside that this is more a scene than a story. There isn't really much of an arc and nothing actaully happens outside some technobabble being presented as a potential solution. And technobabble itself isn't really compelling, it's the characters and how that techno babble effects them. And that isn't really present here.
The core joke here definitely can work and the setup works, but I think you need to either weld it onto a slightly more faux compelling story (e.g. pit it in the middle of the tense resolution of the linguistic assault) or go out on a stronger punchline. I realize my review sounds super critical, but I do think you have all the pieces here; you just need to rearrange them a bit.
Thanks for writing!