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Roadtrips Are Overrated Anyway
Pinkie Pie loved camping. The nature, the campfires, making s’mores, telling ghost stories, no longer forgetting to put out the fire when you’re about to go to sleep, looking at the stars, the friends… It was like a small party in the woods. There was much to like about going camping, whether it was planned of improvised.
Though very much the latter, this time was… different, for a number of reasons, but she’d still do her best to make it enjoyable. At the very least the fire kept them warm in the otherwise cold late autumn night.
She threw Rainbow Dash a sidelong glance. Though her face was shrouded in darkness due to her facing away from the fire, she could still sense a feel of unease in her friend’s eyes.
Her fingers played with the zipper of her backpack. They had stopped at a gas station about an hour ago, and she had loaded up on snacks for the rest of the trip. Maybe having something to eat would cheer up her sporty friend.
“Hey, Dashie. I think I have some marshmallows in my backpack, wanna roast some?”
“Pinkie, just… don’t,” was her reply. A bit annoyed, wistful, but mostly just tired.
She didn’t even get to pull out the bag of candy. With slightly less good spirits, she once more settled down and looked away; even though she tried to think of something to say, nothing felt right.
“How long has it been? Sunset and Applejack should already—”
“I’m sorry,” Pinkie blurted out, “I shouldn’t have suggested this road trip.”
“What?” For the first time in a while, Dash looked right at her, her earlier discontent replaced with disbelief.
“We should’ve just taken a flight with Rarity and Fluttershy. We could’ve waited a day or two and then we all could’ve gone together.”
Rainbow stayed silent for a few seconds before shaking her head and giving out a drawn out sigh. “Hey, they had stuff to do, otherwise they would’ve come with us. Everyone agreed an overnight road trip was a great idea.”
“But we could’ve—”
Her words were cut short when she felt Dash’s hand on her shoulder. Looking back at her friend, Pinkie saw the small smile on her face.
“Coulda, shoulda, woulda,” she said, “We decided to drive, Rarity and Fluttershy would meet us once we got there. That’s the end of it… And I don't want to hear you blaming yourself for anything else tonight, okay?”
A smile made its way to Pinkie’s face, and she did little to stop it.
“Do… Do you think I overdid it with the pull string fireworks, though? The label did say they shouldn't be used indoors,” she said timidly.
“Perhaps, but to be honest we were already pretty rowdy by that point…” Dash must’ve realised Pinkie frowned at that because she soon continued, “Just so you know, I don’t regret coming, neither do Applejack or Sunset. Even in spite of… well… you know. It’s been a fun ride, and I’m sure the girls think the same.”
Pinkie saw see a smile form on her friend’s face, which made hers grow much wider. Despite the bumpy road and the not-so-great night. Dash’s words warmed her up far more than the fire could. Well, maybe about the same, the fire was starting to get uncomfortable.
She looked back at the burning car behind them. At least they’d managed to push it away from the trees before the engine went up in flames. She still wasn’t sure why that had happened.
“You know, perhaps taking out the fire extinguisher to make room for the espresso machine wasn’t the best idea.”
“Pinkie just... let's not think about it until the girls are back with help, a'ight?”
“Oh! Hehehe… Sorry, Dash.”
Though very much the latter, this time was… different, for a number of reasons, but she’d still do her best to make it enjoyable. At the very least the fire kept them warm in the otherwise cold late autumn night.
She threw Rainbow Dash a sidelong glance. Though her face was shrouded in darkness due to her facing away from the fire, she could still sense a feel of unease in her friend’s eyes.
Her fingers played with the zipper of her backpack. They had stopped at a gas station about an hour ago, and she had loaded up on snacks for the rest of the trip. Maybe having something to eat would cheer up her sporty friend.
“Hey, Dashie. I think I have some marshmallows in my backpack, wanna roast some?”
“Pinkie, just… don’t,” was her reply. A bit annoyed, wistful, but mostly just tired.
She didn’t even get to pull out the bag of candy. With slightly less good spirits, she once more settled down and looked away; even though she tried to think of something to say, nothing felt right.
“How long has it been? Sunset and Applejack should already—”
“I’m sorry,” Pinkie blurted out, “I shouldn’t have suggested this road trip.”
“What?” For the first time in a while, Dash looked right at her, her earlier discontent replaced with disbelief.
“We should’ve just taken a flight with Rarity and Fluttershy. We could’ve waited a day or two and then we all could’ve gone together.”
Rainbow stayed silent for a few seconds before shaking her head and giving out a drawn out sigh. “Hey, they had stuff to do, otherwise they would’ve come with us. Everyone agreed an overnight road trip was a great idea.”
“But we could’ve—”
Her words were cut short when she felt Dash’s hand on her shoulder. Looking back at her friend, Pinkie saw the small smile on her face.
“Coulda, shoulda, woulda,” she said, “We decided to drive, Rarity and Fluttershy would meet us once we got there. That’s the end of it… And I don't want to hear you blaming yourself for anything else tonight, okay?”
A smile made its way to Pinkie’s face, and she did little to stop it.
“Do… Do you think I overdid it with the pull string fireworks, though? The label did say they shouldn't be used indoors,” she said timidly.
“Perhaps, but to be honest we were already pretty rowdy by that point…” Dash must’ve realised Pinkie frowned at that because she soon continued, “Just so you know, I don’t regret coming, neither do Applejack or Sunset. Even in spite of… well… you know. It’s been a fun ride, and I’m sure the girls think the same.”
Pinkie saw see a smile form on her friend’s face, which made hers grow much wider. Despite the bumpy road and the not-so-great night. Dash’s words warmed her up far more than the fire could. Well, maybe about the same, the fire was starting to get uncomfortable.
She looked back at the burning car behind them. At least they’d managed to push it away from the trees before the engine went up in flames. She still wasn’t sure why that had happened.
“You know, perhaps taking out the fire extinguisher to make room for the espresso machine wasn’t the best idea.”
“Pinkie just... let's not think about it until the girls are back with help, a'ight?”
“Oh! Hehehe… Sorry, Dash.”
Pics
Cute. I do like the subtle bit of foreshadowing in the opening. It’s not that Pinkie and fire don’t mix. It’s that they mix too well. Overall, this is a nice demonstration of Pink Ape at her best and worst, though I feel you did exaggerate the latter. Still, fun.
This story feels sort of unfocused in a few ways. And I suppose some of that comes from how coy the beginning is. It spends a lot of time being intentionally vague, so all I could focus on was the fact that something was being hidden from me. This would be the chance to have the interactions between RD and PP distract me from the trickery, but you have designed their conversation to be disjointed and awkward, which is fine, it makes sense, but it doesn't pull me in, so my focus remains on the fact that there's stuff the narrator is flat-out not telling me.
I don't follow the inclusion of the "could've taken a flight" conflict in the story. It doesn't seem to add anything other than a reason for Fluttershy and Rarity to not be there. But was that required? Suggesting a road trip and then taking things too far is already a solid foundation for a story on its own.
The tone also seems pulled apart in two directions. The eventual reveal of the burning car (and all the little hints beforehand) seem to be going for comedy, but the characters themselves seem to be going for something more emotional or dramatic. The impact would have been stronger if the characters and narrator stuck to one tone.
I like the idea on the whole, and I thought the characters were done very well. I've read a lot of MLP fiction where the characters are acting totally out of character just to create an absurd style of comedy, and I'm glad you didn't go for that route. The characters are much easier to relate to that way.
Looking upwards, it seems like there are those who enjoyed this story, so you can maybe safely ignore me. But I hope my view is still helpful.
P.S., Another minor note: "Perhaps" isn't a very Rainbow Dash word.
Thanks for writing and best of luck in the voting!
I don't follow the inclusion of the "could've taken a flight" conflict in the story. It doesn't seem to add anything other than a reason for Fluttershy and Rarity to not be there. But was that required? Suggesting a road trip and then taking things too far is already a solid foundation for a story on its own.
The tone also seems pulled apart in two directions. The eventual reveal of the burning car (and all the little hints beforehand) seem to be going for comedy, but the characters themselves seem to be going for something more emotional or dramatic. The impact would have been stronger if the characters and narrator stuck to one tone.
I like the idea on the whole, and I thought the characters were done very well. I've read a lot of MLP fiction where the characters are acting totally out of character just to create an absurd style of comedy, and I'm glad you didn't go for that route. The characters are much easier to relate to that way.
Looking upwards, it seems like there are those who enjoyed this story, so you can maybe safely ignore me. But I hope my view is still helpful.
P.S., Another minor note: "Perhaps" isn't a very Rainbow Dash word.
Thanks for writing and best of luck in the voting!
This is cute, but I'm not sure it manages the toggle between comedy and drama it looks like you're trying to do. I don't get a comedic feel at any point here because the early picture you paint is too heartfelt and serious.
I don't know if this is meant to be a comedy or a drama, or a mix of both, but neither quite land for me.
As a comedy it didn't make me laugh, and while I got the impression that the narrator was being a little witty, the tone didn't fit what was being described, so it came off as jarring.
The drama part works a bit better, but the author did a very naughty thing and cheated so that the reader was not told about something that would have been very obvious to the characters until the reveal was tactically made.
This would've been fine, except for the fact that said twist was a burning car that would've been impossible to hide if this story was told in a visual medium.
Like I said, it feels like cheating, and misleading the reader in a way that doesn't quite pay off.
Also, there are some serious grammar issues, with commas often taking the place of where periods and semi-colons should be, and there are also a few typos I noticed, including one in the first paragraph which does not give the reader a good impression.
Other commenters have said this story is cute, and I guess it is, but I wasn't really feeling it.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 5 on this.
As a comedy it didn't make me laugh, and while I got the impression that the narrator was being a little witty, the tone didn't fit what was being described, so it came off as jarring.
The drama part works a bit better, but the author did a very naughty thing and cheated so that the reader was not told about something that would have been very obvious to the characters until the reveal was tactically made.
This would've been fine, except for the fact that said twist was a burning car that would've been impossible to hide if this story was told in a visual medium.
Like I said, it feels like cheating, and misleading the reader in a way that doesn't quite pay off.
Also, there are some serious grammar issues, with commas often taking the place of where periods and semi-colons should be, and there are also a few typos I noticed, including one in the first paragraph which does not give the reader a good impression.
Other commenters have said this story is cute, and I guess it is, but I wasn't really feeling it.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 5 on this.
Everything reads pretty easily here, but as a whole this fic kind of feels unsubstantial. I get that you're going for a pretty mellow little scene and in most cases I do agree that small is big when it comes to minifics. But this might be one of the only instances where you might have gone a little too small.
You're really quite a ways off from the word limit, but there is actually a little bit of fat on the bones that make the story feel longer than it is. The back-and-forth felt a little wordy to me, which frustrated me enough that I wasn't really in the mood to laugh when the twist came around. It just felt like Pinkie and Dash are not talking about anything important.
I'd suggest trying to weave a more character-centric arc or conflict into the convo. This'll help engage the reader more while increasing the contrast between the calm tone of their conversation and the crazy situation the girls are in, which may help the humor rise to the top. You do have the word count to grow your ideas, so you should take the opportunity if you can.
You're really quite a ways off from the word limit, but there is actually a little bit of fat on the bones that make the story feel longer than it is. The back-and-forth felt a little wordy to me, which frustrated me enough that I wasn't really in the mood to laugh when the twist came around. It just felt like Pinkie and Dash are not talking about anything important.
I'd suggest trying to weave a more character-centric arc or conflict into the convo. This'll help engage the reader more while increasing the contrast between the calm tone of their conversation and the crazy situation the girls are in, which may help the humor rise to the top. You do have the word count to grow your ideas, so you should take the opportunity if you can.
First of all: If you're going to set this in the Equestria Girls universe, please mention fingers before the fourth paragraph. I was visualizing the cast as ponies up until then, and it tripped me up.
I liked Pinkie's description of camping as a "party in the woods". Good characterization, there.
Overall, this isn't a bad fic. It didn't do anything to draw a negative reaction out of me, it went down easy, the prose was comfortably straightforward, and it even got a chuckle out of me when the narrative revealed that the campfire was the fiery remains of their luckless transport. I disagree with >>No_Raisin; this is not a visual medium, and delayed revelations - especially well-played examples like this one - are fair game in the written form, as far as I'm concerned.
Alas, I do agree with >>Bachiavellian that this ultimately feels insubstantial. The plot is rudimentary; they're going on a trip, circumstances (which as presented don't do nearly enough to patch up any plot holes, like why everyone couldn't just fly at once) leave these two stranded, Pinkie's apologetic, Rainbow's resentful, and finally we get a funny reveal with the car. It lists the events, but the two strongest points of all this are: Pinkie's drama-ish moment with Rainbow (I say "strongest" because I'm comparing it to the rest of the fic; this "drama" is still underplayed) and, most apparent, the comedy.
Sadly, even then there isn't a lot to sink one's teeth into. Pinkie's behaviour is more subdued than usual; not that I want her bouncing off the wall with insufferable perkiness, but a few funny or off-kilter "Pinkie Pie trying to use logic" lines would be nice. There's nothing particularly funny about the setup that led to them driving the car, so that section feels mostly like exposition with a veneer of inter-character dynamics. The sole chuckle is the unexplained car fire, but when that's the only real punchline, even the comedy feels thin.
My advice would be to include more character-based humour, not in opposition to the drama between Rainbow and Pinkie, but more as an absurd or character-appropriate way of making the same points (for instance, that Dash wanted to drive because she just wants an excuse to race down the highway, or Pinkie annoys Dash by getting carried away and eating too much food). If this is a comedy, then don't scrimp on the funny bits. We like funny bits.
Overall, a respectable mid-tier entry. It needs more flavour to work, but it's a perfectly inoffensive dish as presented.
I liked Pinkie's description of camping as a "party in the woods". Good characterization, there.
Overall, this isn't a bad fic. It didn't do anything to draw a negative reaction out of me, it went down easy, the prose was comfortably straightforward, and it even got a chuckle out of me when the narrative revealed that the campfire was the fiery remains of their luckless transport. I disagree with >>No_Raisin; this is not a visual medium, and delayed revelations - especially well-played examples like this one - are fair game in the written form, as far as I'm concerned.
Alas, I do agree with >>Bachiavellian that this ultimately feels insubstantial. The plot is rudimentary; they're going on a trip, circumstances (which as presented don't do nearly enough to patch up any plot holes, like why everyone couldn't just fly at once) leave these two stranded, Pinkie's apologetic, Rainbow's resentful, and finally we get a funny reveal with the car. It lists the events, but the two strongest points of all this are: Pinkie's drama-ish moment with Rainbow (I say "strongest" because I'm comparing it to the rest of the fic; this "drama" is still underplayed) and, most apparent, the comedy.
Sadly, even then there isn't a lot to sink one's teeth into. Pinkie's behaviour is more subdued than usual; not that I want her bouncing off the wall with insufferable perkiness, but a few funny or off-kilter "Pinkie Pie trying to use logic" lines would be nice. There's nothing particularly funny about the setup that led to them driving the car, so that section feels mostly like exposition with a veneer of inter-character dynamics. The sole chuckle is the unexplained car fire, but when that's the only real punchline, even the comedy feels thin.
My advice would be to include more character-based humour, not in opposition to the drama between Rainbow and Pinkie, but more as an absurd or character-appropriate way of making the same points (for instance, that Dash wanted to drive because she just wants an excuse to race down the highway, or Pinkie annoys Dash by getting carried away and eating too much food). If this is a comedy, then don't scrimp on the funny bits. We like funny bits.
Overall, a respectable mid-tier entry. It needs more flavour to work, but it's a perfectly inoffensive dish as presented.
Rainbow's speech felt a bit on-the-nose, but otherwise this is a great character-based dramedy. My favorite piece of the contest so far, I think.