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Unexpected Results
"Uh…" Sunset Shimmer paused. "Hmm. Well. That… I’m at a loss for words."
"I know, right?" Twilight’s eyes practically sparkled behind her glasses as she stared into the testing area of Canterlot High’s science lab. She barely even blinked, geode-powered telekinesis typing her observations into the computer without her even looking at the computer. "Just think of how much we’re learning!"
"That wasn’t exactly what I meant," said Sunset.
"Oh?" Twilight managed to tear herself away, but Sunset still only saw innocent wonder in her expression.
There was a sound of some kind from the other side of the glass. Twilight didn't seem to notice, and Sunset tried not to.
"That’s right," said Twilight, "you did some experiments along these lines before, didn’t you? How do your findings then compare to what we’ve done here?"
"Well…" Sunset looked back and forth between Twilight and the testing area. On the one hand, this was bad by just about any standard imaginable. On the other, ruining that look of unmitigated joy would be like trampling a puppy to death in front of Fluttershy. She slapped on the least wooden smile she could and said, "I can honestly say I never got results like this when I tried to test magic. Of course, we had a lot less control back then. Still, neither of us is coughing up rainbows, so yeah, progress."
Twilight made a happy little squeal and actually bounced up and down clapping her hands. It was unfairly heartwarming and also helped take Sunset's mind off the growing commotion in the testing area. "Oh, this is everything I dreamed of when I first encountered this energy signa—" She paused, stumbling when she next landed as her mind had already moved on. "Wait, coughing up rainbows?"
"Yeah, my testing procedures kind of needed work. As did my test subjects. I like to think I worked out the kinks for you." Sunset gave Twilight a wink and got a giggle in return.
"I like to call Spike my number-one assistant, but with that kind of prep work, you're giving him a run for his money. You know, that and the opposable thumbs."
"Twilight?"
Sunset ignored the voice, grinned, and hooked her thumbs behind the collar of her vest. "Yeah, they took some getting used to, but they're pretty useful."
"Sunset?"
"I really should go to Equestria at some point and experience what it's like as a pony." Twilight brought a hand to her chin and looked back at the testing area. "Though I suppose—"
"Hey! Eggheads!" Both girls flinched back as Rainbow Dash rushed up to the glass, wings and hooves spread wide. "How about you flirt later and get us back to normal now!?"
Most of their other fully equinized friends nodded, though Rarity was also busy gathering their discarded clothing, face bright crimson and tail pressed firmly between her legs. Pinkie Pie just bounced about the testing area, giggling at the situation, though she did pause at the apex of a jump to scowl into the observation bay.
Sunset cleared her throat, pointedly not looking at Twilight. "Right. We'll, uh, we'll get right on that."
"I know, right?" Twilight’s eyes practically sparkled behind her glasses as she stared into the testing area of Canterlot High’s science lab. She barely even blinked, geode-powered telekinesis typing her observations into the computer without her even looking at the computer. "Just think of how much we’re learning!"
"That wasn’t exactly what I meant," said Sunset.
"Oh?" Twilight managed to tear herself away, but Sunset still only saw innocent wonder in her expression.
There was a sound of some kind from the other side of the glass. Twilight didn't seem to notice, and Sunset tried not to.
"That’s right," said Twilight, "you did some experiments along these lines before, didn’t you? How do your findings then compare to what we’ve done here?"
"Well…" Sunset looked back and forth between Twilight and the testing area. On the one hand, this was bad by just about any standard imaginable. On the other, ruining that look of unmitigated joy would be like trampling a puppy to death in front of Fluttershy. She slapped on the least wooden smile she could and said, "I can honestly say I never got results like this when I tried to test magic. Of course, we had a lot less control back then. Still, neither of us is coughing up rainbows, so yeah, progress."
Twilight made a happy little squeal and actually bounced up and down clapping her hands. It was unfairly heartwarming and also helped take Sunset's mind off the growing commotion in the testing area. "Oh, this is everything I dreamed of when I first encountered this energy signa—" She paused, stumbling when she next landed as her mind had already moved on. "Wait, coughing up rainbows?"
"Yeah, my testing procedures kind of needed work. As did my test subjects. I like to think I worked out the kinks for you." Sunset gave Twilight a wink and got a giggle in return.
"I like to call Spike my number-one assistant, but with that kind of prep work, you're giving him a run for his money. You know, that and the opposable thumbs."
"Twilight?"
Sunset ignored the voice, grinned, and hooked her thumbs behind the collar of her vest. "Yeah, they took some getting used to, but they're pretty useful."
"Sunset?"
"I really should go to Equestria at some point and experience what it's like as a pony." Twilight brought a hand to her chin and looked back at the testing area. "Though I suppose—"
"Hey! Eggheads!" Both girls flinched back as Rainbow Dash rushed up to the glass, wings and hooves spread wide. "How about you flirt later and get us back to normal now!?"
Most of their other fully equinized friends nodded, though Rarity was also busy gathering their discarded clothing, face bright crimson and tail pressed firmly between her legs. Pinkie Pie just bounced about the testing area, giggling at the situation, though she did pause at the apex of a jump to scowl into the observation bay.
Sunset cleared her throat, pointedly not looking at Twilight. "Right. We'll, uh, we'll get right on that."
Pics
I'm not sure I buy Pinkie scowling. Keep in mind that Pinkie canonically goes back and forth between both worlds, and even if that weren't true, she'd love the experience. I'm pretty sure Dash would be thrilled with her new body as well. I know it's played for laughs, but I don't think the negativity here is realistic, except for Rarity's embarrassment which is spot on.
I think "without her even looking at the computer" might be better as "without even looking at it".
I think "without her even looking at the computer" might be better as "without even looking at it".
It took me a moment to realize this was the Twilight from EqG and not Pony!Twilight, but her happy-go-lucky amoral approach to science made more sense once I figured that out.
Although I still feel like the characterizations, despite being with them only briefly, are out of place.
Except for Rarity, though, she was fine.
Dash's reaction was too negative, and Pinkie's goes so far as to contradict canon.
You ever hear a joke that's meant to be taken as absurd, but because it doesn't go far enough with the absurdity it kind of falls flat? I got that feeling with this one.
It's a novel premise (or at least I feel like it is) but it's not given enough time to bloom, you know?
I'm feeling a strong 6 to a light 7 on this.
Although I still feel like the characterizations, despite being with them only briefly, are out of place.
Except for Rarity, though, she was fine.
Dash's reaction was too negative, and Pinkie's goes so far as to contradict canon.
You ever hear a joke that's meant to be taken as absurd, but because it doesn't go far enough with the absurdity it kind of falls flat? I got that feeling with this one.
It's a novel premise (or at least I feel like it is) but it's not given enough time to bloom, you know?
I'm feeling a strong 6 to a light 7 on this.
I can understand why even Pinkie is scowling at the end. It’s one thing to be able to visit a world where you don’t have thumbs. It’s quite another to lose them against your will and without knowing when, if ever, you’ll get them back. That or she wanted to play along with the others. Still, the reactions at the end can definitely be tweaked. >>No_Raisin definitely has a point; this is in an uncomfortable middle ground of absurdity that needs to go for either more or less to work optimally.
What I must say is: the idea of converting the humans into ponies is a good one, and the relationship between Sci-Twi and Shimmer is believable. Otherwise, the most I can say about this fic is that it's fine. The characterization is fine. The comedy is fine. The development - if a bit slow, because I would've preferred to get to the punchline faster - is otherwise fine.
Fine is a problem here because, like the others say, there no sense of flavor. Not enough absurdity or character oddness, not enough clashes between people or any fuller capitalization on the comedic possibilities of the experiment. For me, the fic only fully comes alive when we realize what's going on, and I think you could have put in more about what happened next.
I realize this is vague and global, but that was my impression of the story. It didn't have the punch or distinctive quirks of other fics, so it feels sort of forgettable, and a fic about turning the humans into ponies should not be that. I'll call it mid-tier, but I hope at least this feedback gives you an idea of where to look if you want to spruce something like this up in future.
Fine is a problem here because, like the others say, there no sense of flavor. Not enough absurdity or character oddness, not enough clashes between people or any fuller capitalization on the comedic possibilities of the experiment. For me, the fic only fully comes alive when we realize what's going on, and I think you could have put in more about what happened next.
I realize this is vague and global, but that was my impression of the story. It didn't have the punch or distinctive quirks of other fics, so it feels sort of forgettable, and a fic about turning the humans into ponies should not be that. I'll call it mid-tier, but I hope at least this feedback gives you an idea of where to look if you want to spruce something like this up in future.
I personally kind of bounced off of this one. I get that you're trying to tease a reveal, but I felt that the build-up was slow and without a strong hook. Grabbing your reader's attention early on is super important with minifics, because the reader knows in the back of his head that things are going to be wrapping up in one or two dozen paragraphs. So the fact that most of this fic by design spends its time dancing around a reveal felt kind of frustrating to me. I'd suggest threading in some interesting tidbits or more jokes into the main body of the story to keep the reader on the hook until the reveal.
The other night, Dubs Rewatcher and I went through a bunch of 5-review stories, and bantered our respective thoughts at one another. We didn't make it through the whole list before the site went down, but this was one of the stories we did manage to finish together. I'm gonna give my own thoughts on it, and some of the others as well.
It's super cute, but the writing and the events of the story don't really connect to one another that well. By this, I mean that SciTwi's experiment is largely ignored in favor of cute flirting and banter between herself and Sunset. The nature of the experiment is hardly even hinted at until the end of the story, when it's suddenly and unceremoniously dropped on top of the reader's face.
So, the reveal isn't built up to effectively, and the punchline doesn't land as well as it should.
Also, if the experiment went as SciTwi predicted... wouldn't these be expected results?
It's super cute, but the writing and the events of the story don't really connect to one another that well. By this, I mean that SciTwi's experiment is largely ignored in favor of cute flirting and banter between herself and Sunset. The nature of the experiment is hardly even hinted at until the end of the story, when it's suddenly and unceremoniously dropped on top of the reader's face.
So, the reveal isn't built up to effectively, and the punchline doesn't land as well as it should.
Also, if the experiment went as SciTwi predicted... wouldn't these be expected results?
Unexpected Results
Appropriately enough, that could've gone better. Can you all tell I'm rusty?
In any case, this one was my first entry, and while the other did do better, I probably should've just refined this one instead. Still, between the Sunlight, the human magic, the transformations, and the title that is literally a Magic card, this one was pure author appeal, so I'm not sure how much there would've been to salvage.
Still, I knew that I was trying to strike a tricky balance when it came to indicating precisely what the outcome of the experiment actually was, and it's clear that I overplayed the coyness and in so doing sacrificed some prime comedic opportunities. Also, funnily enough, the Pinkie scowl was a last minute addition. At first, everyone was just grumping at the nerds, but I wanted to add a bit more personality and variety. That clearly could've gone better.
Suffice to say, this was a very educational first trial, and I think I know what variables to adjust to produce a more favorable result.
>>Trick_Question >>No_Raisin >>BlueChameleonVI >>Bachiavellian >>Posh
Appropriately enough, that could've gone better. Can you all tell I'm rusty?
In any case, this one was my first entry, and while the other did do better, I probably should've just refined this one instead. Still, between the Sunlight, the human magic, the transformations, and the title that is literally a Magic card, this one was pure author appeal, so I'm not sure how much there would've been to salvage.
Still, I knew that I was trying to strike a tricky balance when it came to indicating precisely what the outcome of the experiment actually was, and it's clear that I overplayed the coyness and in so doing sacrificed some prime comedic opportunities. Also, funnily enough, the Pinkie scowl was a last minute addition. At first, everyone was just grumping at the nerds, but I wanted to add a bit more personality and variety. That clearly could've gone better.
Suffice to say, this was a very educational first trial, and I think I know what variables to adjust to produce a more favorable result.
>>Trick_Question >>No_Raisin >>BlueChameleonVI >>Bachiavellian >>Posh