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What She Needs To Hear
Dear Pinkamena,
I’ve never been more petrified in my life. You’re entering a world of chaos unlike anything you’ve ever seen. It’s dangerous, depressing, and downright crushing out there. There are ponies who’ll use their bad day to make a thousand more. There are ponies who’ll try to screw up that newfound smile of yours as best they can, resenting you for as long as you hold it on your face.
Sticking it out for your family is part of being a Pie. It’ll be hard around here while we're busy worrying about you every hour we're awake. And that's including the sleepless nights you'll give your mother and sisters. But I know we can’t change your mind. We’ll have a hard time without you, but we’ll surely survive despite you, and if you come to your senses, there's always work on the farm.
Your Father,
Igneous Rock Pie
Writing a letter was Cloudy Quartz’s idea. She’d suggested it to Limestone and Marble when they said they’d be too sad to say goodbye. Or, as she put it, “If you think you might cry, then give her a letter instead and get out of there before the waterworks start. No deserter is ever getting that satisfaction.”
Igneous knew he wouldn't cry, but he liked having his thoughts on permanent record.
Meanwhile, approaching Pinkamena one at a time on her last day—as she sat alone at the train station on top of her overflowing suitcase—was nopony’s idea. But Marble went first, so then did Limestone, and finally Cloudy. And when his wife came home, Igneous knew it was his turn.
He approached his daughter like she was a wild animal. Her head was cradled in her crossed forelegs, and that mane—where combs go to meet their demise, as Limestone put it—shot up like an eruption.
“Pinkamena?” Igneous said cautiously.
“My name is Pinkie,” she murmured. “Are you here to yell at me too?”
“No.”
His daughter ripped her head out from her hiding place, revealing her red, bleary eyes. “I don’t get it,” she pouted. “Maud left first. So why is everypony making me feel terrible? Why does my family hate me…?”
“We don’t hate you, Pink—”
“My sisters won’t even talk to me! Ma did, but… I kinda wish she hadn’t…”
Igneous wondered exactly what Cloudy had said. He didn’t get a chance to ask; he only saw her for a few seconds before she ascended to their bedroom and slammed the door.
He adjusted his cap. “I don’t think you accurately recall Maud’s departure. She got the Ma Pie treatment just the same as you did.”
Pinkamena scoffed.
Igneous thought of continuing, but the only thing left to discuss was how prestigious geological schooling compared to a minimum wage job in a small town bakery, and Cloudy would have brought all that up anyways. Besides, for some itching reason, Igneous’s thoughts—usually obsessed with the past—were trained on the future like a hound noticing a threat before its owner did. Perhaps it was something in his daughter's expression, or lack thereof.
Pinkamena’s eyes wandered to her father’s letter. “Just put that with the rest and I’ll get out of your way.”
“This?” Igneous replied. “This is nothing.” He stuffed the letter in his collar. “Grocery list.”
“Oh… okay.”
A train’s whistle sighed on the horizon.
Igneous took a deep breath. “Pinkie?”
His daughter frowned and looked up at him. “…Yeah, Pa?”
“…I’ve never been more proud in my life. You’ve decided that you don’t like where you are so you’re making a change for yourself. I’m under no illusion that I know anything about where you’re going, but I do know this: You’ll do great things out there. I know you’ll make lots of ponies happy with your parties and your nonsense and your great big toothy smile.
“Making a stand for yourself is part of being a Pie. You’ve never done anything wrong by us, and I don’t think you’re even capable of it. Your mother and sisters are awful at goodbyes, but that just shows that they care. I know we’ll make it just fine without you, and most importantly, I know you’ll still visit.”
Igneous carried two things home with him that day. The first was the image of his daughter—smiling and crying and leaping right at him—burned into his retinas for safe keeping. The other was a toxic taste in his mouth that he wondered if he could ever wash out.
I’ve never been more petrified in my life. You’re entering a world of chaos unlike anything you’ve ever seen. It’s dangerous, depressing, and downright crushing out there. There are ponies who’ll use their bad day to make a thousand more. There are ponies who’ll try to screw up that newfound smile of yours as best they can, resenting you for as long as you hold it on your face.
Sticking it out for your family is part of being a Pie. It’ll be hard around here while we're busy worrying about you every hour we're awake. And that's including the sleepless nights you'll give your mother and sisters. But I know we can’t change your mind. We’ll have a hard time without you, but we’ll surely survive despite you, and if you come to your senses, there's always work on the farm.
Your Father,
Igneous Rock Pie
Writing a letter was Cloudy Quartz’s idea. She’d suggested it to Limestone and Marble when they said they’d be too sad to say goodbye. Or, as she put it, “If you think you might cry, then give her a letter instead and get out of there before the waterworks start. No deserter is ever getting that satisfaction.”
Igneous knew he wouldn't cry, but he liked having his thoughts on permanent record.
Meanwhile, approaching Pinkamena one at a time on her last day—as she sat alone at the train station on top of her overflowing suitcase—was nopony’s idea. But Marble went first, so then did Limestone, and finally Cloudy. And when his wife came home, Igneous knew it was his turn.
He approached his daughter like she was a wild animal. Her head was cradled in her crossed forelegs, and that mane—where combs go to meet their demise, as Limestone put it—shot up like an eruption.
“Pinkamena?” Igneous said cautiously.
“My name is Pinkie,” she murmured. “Are you here to yell at me too?”
“No.”
His daughter ripped her head out from her hiding place, revealing her red, bleary eyes. “I don’t get it,” she pouted. “Maud left first. So why is everypony making me feel terrible? Why does my family hate me…?”
“We don’t hate you, Pink—”
“My sisters won’t even talk to me! Ma did, but… I kinda wish she hadn’t…”
Igneous wondered exactly what Cloudy had said. He didn’t get a chance to ask; he only saw her for a few seconds before she ascended to their bedroom and slammed the door.
He adjusted his cap. “I don’t think you accurately recall Maud’s departure. She got the Ma Pie treatment just the same as you did.”
Pinkamena scoffed.
Igneous thought of continuing, but the only thing left to discuss was how prestigious geological schooling compared to a minimum wage job in a small town bakery, and Cloudy would have brought all that up anyways. Besides, for some itching reason, Igneous’s thoughts—usually obsessed with the past—were trained on the future like a hound noticing a threat before its owner did. Perhaps it was something in his daughter's expression, or lack thereof.
Pinkamena’s eyes wandered to her father’s letter. “Just put that with the rest and I’ll get out of your way.”
“This?” Igneous replied. “This is nothing.” He stuffed the letter in his collar. “Grocery list.”
“Oh… okay.”
A train’s whistle sighed on the horizon.
Igneous took a deep breath. “Pinkie?”
His daughter frowned and looked up at him. “…Yeah, Pa?”
“…I’ve never been more proud in my life. You’ve decided that you don’t like where you are so you’re making a change for yourself. I’m under no illusion that I know anything about where you’re going, but I do know this: You’ll do great things out there. I know you’ll make lots of ponies happy with your parties and your nonsense and your great big toothy smile.
“Making a stand for yourself is part of being a Pie. You’ve never done anything wrong by us, and I don’t think you’re even capable of it. Your mother and sisters are awful at goodbyes, but that just shows that they care. I know we’ll make it just fine without you, and most importantly, I know you’ll still visit.”
Igneous carried two things home with him that day. The first was the image of his daughter—smiling and crying and leaping right at him—burned into his retinas for safe keeping. The other was a toxic taste in his mouth that he wondered if he could ever wash out.
Hmm. This is kinda about Igneous, but it seems like Pinkie is the one who gets most of the emotions here.
Also, I guess I haven't watched the episode with Igneous in it, but… is he portrayed as especially honest?
Personally, I'm not sure the text of the letter is doing much for you here. Or maybe… the rest of the story doesn't tie into what's in the letter strongly enough to really make it feel worthwhile? The crux of this story is pride/disappointment, and that's not super strong in the letter.
I dunno. I guess Igneous' character progression feels a bit weird here. I'm not entirely sure where he's coming from or where he's ended up, and the bit about 'might never wash out' seems to rely heavily on an interpretation of his character that I didn't see really strongly in the rest of the fic. If that's in the show, fine, but if it's not, you might want to build up that compulsion for honesty a bit, and also make 'pride/disappointment' a bigger thing than it is. It's kinda there in the letter, I guess, but the letter still seems supportive, if resigned.
Also, I guess I haven't watched the episode with Igneous in it, but… is he portrayed as especially honest?
Personally, I'm not sure the text of the letter is doing much for you here. Or maybe… the rest of the story doesn't tie into what's in the letter strongly enough to really make it feel worthwhile? The crux of this story is pride/disappointment, and that's not super strong in the letter.
I dunno. I guess Igneous' character progression feels a bit weird here. I'm not entirely sure where he's coming from or where he's ended up, and the bit about 'might never wash out' seems to rely heavily on an interpretation of his character that I didn't see really strongly in the rest of the fic. If that's in the show, fine, but if it's not, you might want to build up that compulsion for honesty a bit, and also make 'pride/disappointment' a bigger thing than it is. It's kinda there in the letter, I guess, but the letter still seems supportive, if resigned.
The premise here is interesting, and it does feel like it covers a lot of ground for its length, but ultimately this story feels unfocused. At the end of it -- particularly with the last line -- I don't have a clear picture into Igneous's mind or emotional state, and without that, it's a bit of a generic comfort story.
Certainly not bad though. Just needs a bit of polish!
Certainly not bad though. Just needs a bit of polish!
On the technical level, everything is mostly fine. However, there were a few sentences that were awkward to read or just felt off. These in particular:
It’s like watching a 3-D movie with no glasses. I can tell what’s going on, it’s just awkward to look at.
On that note, there were three similes used fairly close to each other (like an eruption, like a wild animal, like a hound). When used in a story with such a limited amount of words, they stick out and make it feel almost purple-y.
We’ll have a hard time without you, but we’ll surely survive despite you, and if you come to your senses, there's always work on the farm.
Meanwhile, approaching Pinkamena one at a time on her last day—as she sat alone at the train station on top of her overflowing suitcase—was nopony’s idea.
Igneous thought of continuing, but the only thing left to discuss was how prestigious geological schooling compared to a minimum wage job in a small town bakery, and Cloudy would have brought all that up anyways.
Besides, for some itching reason, Igneous’s thoughts—usually obsessed with the past—were trained on the future like a hound noticing a threat before its owner did.
It’s like watching a 3-D movie with no glasses. I can tell what’s going on, it’s just awkward to look at.
On that note, there were three similes used fairly close to each other (like an eruption, like a wild animal, like a hound). When used in a story with such a limited amount of words, they stick out and make it feel almost purple-y.
I'll focus my comments:
On the voice. In the show, Igneous and Cloudy both use "thee" and "thou" when they speaks, and I can't imagine them using modern-sounding phrases like "screw up" or "get out of there before the waterworks start.." I like the sentiment of the story--that Igenous loves his daughter even though he doesn't understand the pony she's become--and using the character's archaic language, I think, will help convey that sentiment much more strongly.
Mike
On the voice. In the show, Igneous and Cloudy both use "thee" and "thou" when they speaks, and I can't imagine them using modern-sounding phrases like "screw up" or "get out of there before the waterworks start.." I like the sentiment of the story--that Igenous loves his daughter even though he doesn't understand the pony she's become--and using the character's archaic language, I think, will help convey that sentiment much more strongly.
Mike
Structured well. I like Iggy's emotional journey over the course of the piece. Ends in a nice place, and a nice way, too. Iggy comes across as a bit of a heel, given that his stance on the subject hasn't changed at all, but he's biting back that part of himself for Pinkie's sake. That kind of internal conflict is something that I can at least appreciate.
Some of the specifics of the story seem awkward to me, though. In conflict with themselves. Apparently, the entire Pie family visited Pinkie, one by one, but none of them said anything to her...?
I also think the last paragraph is unnecessarily wordy, relative to what it's trying to convey.
Some of the specifics of the story seem awkward to me, though. In conflict with themselves. Apparently, the entire Pie family visited Pinkie, one by one, but none of them said anything to her...?
I also think the last paragraph is unnecessarily wordy, relative to what it's trying to convey.
The end with Iggy really sells the whole piece. At first, I thought that foul taste was a poorly baked final cupcake or something, but I quit being daft and realized he just lied to his daughter. But, it was what she needed to hear, and sometimes parents have to do things they don't like for the benefit of their children.
That said, I'll echo some of the above in that the dialogue could use some character polish, and perhaps some more focus on Igneous's emotional state leading up to his decision to bite his tongue. Otherwise, pretty good work.
That said, I'll echo some of the above in that the dialogue could use some character polish, and perhaps some more focus on Igneous's emotional state leading up to his decision to bite his tongue. Otherwise, pretty good work.
I love this.
I probably would still love it if it wasn't the Pies, but they make me love it even more. Thus far I've found that doing right by my kids is a horribly messy business, and oversimplifying interactions with them tends to come at a cost to their confidence or development. Maybe that's on me to Git Gud at it, but I could easily see being in Igneous' horseshoes, having lost a child from "the way"--but being presented with the opportunity to leave them with some confidence and the willingness to come home again. This could be a bit cleaner and tighter but I think it packs a wallop by laying bare that tension in a way that feels true to all the characters.
That is all.
I probably would still love it if it wasn't the Pies, but they make me love it even more. Thus far I've found that doing right by my kids is a horribly messy business, and oversimplifying interactions with them tends to come at a cost to their confidence or development. Maybe that's on me to Git Gud at it, but I could easily see being in Igneous' horseshoes, having lost a child from "the way"--but being presented with the opportunity to leave them with some confidence and the willingness to come home again. This could be a bit cleaner and tighter but I think it packs a wallop by laying bare that tension in a way that feels true to all the characters.
That is all.