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One Must First Step Into the Breach
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Interesting little story. There's a great narrative voice at play in the prose that I really enjoyed, but the dialogue is dry and almost formulaic. I would have liked to see this as a full-on short story: too many questions are still floating around for me to truly love this. However, what is here is good, and I did like reading it.
One of the best aspects about this story is the dialogue and the descriptions. This definitely feels like the things people would say and see in this situation, and it really helps to engross us in the story. I also liked how things were just vague enough to lend an air of mystery to the piece, without making the story straight-up incomprehensible. That can be tough to do, but this story did it fairly well.
But I think the story stumbles in that it feels incomplete. The story does focus on Cole’s decision to go through with the experiment, but the ending implies that something more is needed for this story to feel “whole”. By cutting off the results of the procedure, it makes the story feel like buildup to a climax with no falling action. Maybe it would’ve worked better if it had ended with him going into the testing room, before he was strapped on the chair. This could make his decision about the testing be more of the focus than the actual experiment. I also thought the characters didn’t quite work. Cole is the typical desperate test subject, and Dr. Romilly is the vaguely evil scientist. Good for a starting point to a larger story, but not very satisfying for a quick fic. Again, a subtle sign that the story has a little something missing, and largely suffering because of it.
A well-written tale, but enough is missing to make the experience not really “click”.
But I think the story stumbles in that it feels incomplete. The story does focus on Cole’s decision to go through with the experiment, but the ending implies that something more is needed for this story to feel “whole”. By cutting off the results of the procedure, it makes the story feel like buildup to a climax with no falling action. Maybe it would’ve worked better if it had ended with him going into the testing room, before he was strapped on the chair. This could make his decision about the testing be more of the focus than the actual experiment. I also thought the characters didn’t quite work. Cole is the typical desperate test subject, and Dr. Romilly is the vaguely evil scientist. Good for a starting point to a larger story, but not very satisfying for a quick fic. Again, a subtle sign that the story has a little something missing, and largely suffering because of it.
A well-written tale, but enough is missing to make the experience not really “click”.
Hmm. There's a distinct start, middle, and end to this, which is nice.
It seems to me that the real emotional weight in this story comes from Cole's fear. To that end, I think you'd have been better off bringing it in sooner; the shadows are there in the first and second sections, but it doesn't really crystallize until the last one, where his signing up for this starts looking like he's running from real life, and in the end, when he would be willing to sacrifice someone else because of his fear. If there were more hints of that sooner, I think it might work better; instead of having everything break down in the end, give the audience a bit more time to come to terms with his denial and how he might actually be doing this out of cowardice.
Well, even putting that aside, I like a lot of what's going on here. There's character arc, there's worldbuilding, there's drama; it's all pretty good. I'm not sure the prose is as tight as it could be; that bit about him drumming his fingers seemed to use a lot more words than the content needed. The in-media-res intro was a bit odd; it's a helluva lot better than not having any hook at all, but it just seemed strange in such a short story, you know?
This would make a pretty good origin story, though. How would someone with these sorts of mental issues turn out in a government run hero program? Could be interesting.
Nice work overall! I think it could have had more punch, but what's here has a definite zing to it.
It seems to me that the real emotional weight in this story comes from Cole's fear. To that end, I think you'd have been better off bringing it in sooner; the shadows are there in the first and second sections, but it doesn't really crystallize until the last one, where his signing up for this starts looking like he's running from real life, and in the end, when he would be willing to sacrifice someone else because of his fear. If there were more hints of that sooner, I think it might work better; instead of having everything break down in the end, give the audience a bit more time to come to terms with his denial and how he might actually be doing this out of cowardice.
Well, even putting that aside, I like a lot of what's going on here. There's character arc, there's worldbuilding, there's drama; it's all pretty good. I'm not sure the prose is as tight as it could be; that bit about him drumming his fingers seemed to use a lot more words than the content needed. The in-media-res intro was a bit odd; it's a helluva lot better than not having any hook at all, but it just seemed strange in such a short story, you know?
This would make a pretty good origin story, though. How would someone with these sorts of mental issues turn out in a government run hero program? Could be interesting.
Nice work overall! I think it could have had more punch, but what's here has a definite zing to it.
The concept is interesting. Though it is very much redolent of what you do when you sign up in the army.
I think you’ve lost a lot of space for unimportant things. Why should we know, for instance, that the doctor’s pen is cheap? What does that change? The end is also a bit too stretched. I think if you had redacted some lines, you would’ve packed a more punchy ending.
I mean, yeah, people are freaking out about the 750 words, and there’s a preconception floating around that if your story doesn’t near that limit, it must be bad. But no, sometimes you can pack a powerful story in just a handful of hundreds of words!
Middle up slate.
I think you’ve lost a lot of space for unimportant things. Why should we know, for instance, that the doctor’s pen is cheap? What does that change? The end is also a bit too stretched. I think if you had redacted some lines, you would’ve packed a more punchy ending.
I mean, yeah, people are freaking out about the 750 words, and there’s a preconception floating around that if your story doesn’t near that limit, it must be bad. But no, sometimes you can pack a powerful story in just a handful of hundreds of words!
Middle up slate.
This is pretty good overall. What I think is missing is the initial sense of urgency. You do the "cold open" but then flash back to this guy bored, sitting in an empty room, tapping his fingers. The story ends in tension, and a change of mind about a sacrifice. That needs to build sooner. Instead, most of the middle section is just boring, generic "waiting" and then paperwork. Then the doctor just infodumps some jargon on us ("Awakening" and "Superhuman", which told me this is basically Agents of Shield) which gives it all away in one line. Build to that instead.
I do like the change at the end, that he's genuinely changed his mind and wants to take back the "noble" thing he was trying to do. That's atypical for these types of stories, so it's nice to see.
I do like the change at the end, that he's genuinely changed his mind and wants to take back the "noble" thing he was trying to do. That's atypical for these types of stories, so it's nice to see.
Extra kudos for the title, which evokes the old line "Once more unto the breach, dear friends." Or however exactly it goes. One must first step into the breach before returning, and we see our protagonist lacking the courage to even walk through the door that might lead to the breach.
There's a mixed feeling of Captain America and Deadpool here, too, except if both characters were actually huge babies.
There's a mixed feeling of Captain America and Deadpool here, too, except if both characters were actually huge babies.
This feels really on the borderline of scene vs story.
Its a bit of a divergent take on the standard trope of self-sacrificing loved one, which is cool, but there isn't really a ton to it besides that. Characterization is minimal at best. The end goes one sentence too far (impact would be much better losing the last sentence entirely) and thinking on it, the same problem exists in the first scene as it spoils the punchline. A little more work on at least Cole, I think, would help this piece out a lot.
Its a bit of a divergent take on the standard trope of self-sacrificing loved one, which is cool, but there isn't really a ton to it besides that. Characterization is minimal at best. The end goes one sentence too far (impact would be much better losing the last sentence entirely) and thinking on it, the same problem exists in the first scene as it spoils the punchline. A little more work on at least Cole, I think, would help this piece out a lot.