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High School Dramady, Played Straight
Erin flopped on the couch, letting out a groan. He felt a hand on his back. He couldn't see her, but he knew Sophie was trying to give him an encouraging smile.
"I bet you're just being hard on yourself." She said. "Not even you could've messed this up!"
Erin raised his head just enough to give her a tired half-glare. Sophie's smile stayed intact.
"She called me adorable," Erin grumbled miserably. Sophie looked confused, so he continued, "like a little brother."
Sophie's eyes widened in understanding, and she sat down next to Erin's splayed form. "Yikes." Sophie whistled. "I'd call that the kiss of death, but I bet even linking the ideas of kissing and you would be a bit too much of a stretch for her."
Erin's head flopped down again. "Thanks. You're super helpful."
Sophie shrugged. "I do my best." She leaned back, using Erin's legs as a cushion. "But hey, there's plenty of fish in the sea or whatever. You didn't really think she was gonna go to prom with you even while you were talking yourself into asking. Maybe now that's she's placed you in the same sexual category as a lamp you can set your sights on easier targets."
Erin kicked Sophie off. "You mean I should go after low-tier chicks like you?"
Sophie gave a bark-like laugh. "Only in your dreams, sweetie," she smirked as Erin elbowed her. He rolled his eyes and pulled them both into sitting positions.
"Seriously though, she's the last girl I can think of who would even sorta consider going to prom with me." Erin sighed. Sophie nodded sagely.
"Yeah. At this rate you're gonna have to ask one of the guys. I mean, nobody would be shocked though, you always have been super, super gay."
Erin tiredly elbowed Sophie again. "I'm not kidding." Erin said. "This is senior year. We're supposed to be getting fancier than we ever have, going to prom with somebody attractive we barely know or care about, and quietly accepting that this is the high point in at least half of our lives. I've only got one of those down, and it isn't even one of the fun ones."
"You forgot getting drunk off our asses," Sophie added, "that one's important."
Erin nodded. "Yeah, so I've got two down I guess. Still though. Maybe I should just go for broke and ask out one of the really popular girls."
"If you still randomly care about going to prom for some reason, you should. May as well get used to denial now before colleges and jobs start handing it out like candy."
Erin ran a hand down his face. "You're just a ray of sunshine as always."
Sophie stuck her tongue out. "Well excuse me, princess. Face it, we're just gonna end up at my place, playing drunk racing games and eating cookie dough like we do every year. And hey, why's that suddenly so wrong? Everything's got its place. The birds fly, the fish swim, and we stay shut-ins."
Erin scanned the ceiling, a frown on his face. "Don't you ever want to try and be different from that?" He asked quietly. "Don't you ever think about where we'd be if we just made a few little choices differently? If we'd just been more normal? Don't you ever wonder if we'd been able to save..."
Sophie's face fell. When she put a hand on Erin's shoulder, he looked up to see her expression stern.
"Don't you go saying that kinda shit." She snapped. "Sure, maybe in an alternate universe where we didn't make any mistakes at all we'd be prancing around in flowery fields and Delilah would be there and everything would just be fine and dandy. That's not the world we live in though, so you can't just live with your head stuck in what-ifs." Her expression softened a bit. "Who cares if somewhere out there in quantum space there's another us who are just faultless little angels. We're not perfect, popular high-schoolers, and we don't need to try and be them either." She sighed, but smiled. "She wouldn't want that. We don't need fancy clothes and hot chicks and prom. We've got each-other."
Erin sighed. Both sat in silence, Erin's head tilting to rest on Sophie's shoulder.
"You bring the jack, I bring the coke?" Erin offered. Sophie laughed softly.
"Sure."
"I bet you're just being hard on yourself." She said. "Not even you could've messed this up!"
Erin raised his head just enough to give her a tired half-glare. Sophie's smile stayed intact.
"She called me adorable," Erin grumbled miserably. Sophie looked confused, so he continued, "like a little brother."
Sophie's eyes widened in understanding, and she sat down next to Erin's splayed form. "Yikes." Sophie whistled. "I'd call that the kiss of death, but I bet even linking the ideas of kissing and you would be a bit too much of a stretch for her."
Erin's head flopped down again. "Thanks. You're super helpful."
Sophie shrugged. "I do my best." She leaned back, using Erin's legs as a cushion. "But hey, there's plenty of fish in the sea or whatever. You didn't really think she was gonna go to prom with you even while you were talking yourself into asking. Maybe now that's she's placed you in the same sexual category as a lamp you can set your sights on easier targets."
Erin kicked Sophie off. "You mean I should go after low-tier chicks like you?"
Sophie gave a bark-like laugh. "Only in your dreams, sweetie," she smirked as Erin elbowed her. He rolled his eyes and pulled them both into sitting positions.
"Seriously though, she's the last girl I can think of who would even sorta consider going to prom with me." Erin sighed. Sophie nodded sagely.
"Yeah. At this rate you're gonna have to ask one of the guys. I mean, nobody would be shocked though, you always have been super, super gay."
Erin tiredly elbowed Sophie again. "I'm not kidding." Erin said. "This is senior year. We're supposed to be getting fancier than we ever have, going to prom with somebody attractive we barely know or care about, and quietly accepting that this is the high point in at least half of our lives. I've only got one of those down, and it isn't even one of the fun ones."
"You forgot getting drunk off our asses," Sophie added, "that one's important."
Erin nodded. "Yeah, so I've got two down I guess. Still though. Maybe I should just go for broke and ask out one of the really popular girls."
"If you still randomly care about going to prom for some reason, you should. May as well get used to denial now before colleges and jobs start handing it out like candy."
Erin ran a hand down his face. "You're just a ray of sunshine as always."
Sophie stuck her tongue out. "Well excuse me, princess. Face it, we're just gonna end up at my place, playing drunk racing games and eating cookie dough like we do every year. And hey, why's that suddenly so wrong? Everything's got its place. The birds fly, the fish swim, and we stay shut-ins."
Erin scanned the ceiling, a frown on his face. "Don't you ever want to try and be different from that?" He asked quietly. "Don't you ever think about where we'd be if we just made a few little choices differently? If we'd just been more normal? Don't you ever wonder if we'd been able to save..."
Sophie's face fell. When she put a hand on Erin's shoulder, he looked up to see her expression stern.
"Don't you go saying that kinda shit." She snapped. "Sure, maybe in an alternate universe where we didn't make any mistakes at all we'd be prancing around in flowery fields and Delilah would be there and everything would just be fine and dandy. That's not the world we live in though, so you can't just live with your head stuck in what-ifs." Her expression softened a bit. "Who cares if somewhere out there in quantum space there's another us who are just faultless little angels. We're not perfect, popular high-schoolers, and we don't need to try and be them either." She sighed, but smiled. "She wouldn't want that. We don't need fancy clothes and hot chicks and prom. We've got each-other."
Erin sighed. Both sat in silence, Erin's head tilting to rest on Sophie's shoulder.
"You bring the jack, I bring the coke?" Erin offered. Sophie laughed softly.
"Sure."
I had to read this twice because I thought Erin was a girl the first time through. I'm not sure why you chose that spelling. I kept scanning the text to maybe confirm that Erin might be like transexual or something, but I couldn't find any evidence of that.
It's hard to keep track of the dialogue in this story because the actions and speech of separate characters are not discreet from one another. For example, a lot of the dialogue formatting is like this:
"Dialogue goes here." Erin did a thing. Sophie also did a thing.
"New dialogue here."
Ideally you'd want it to be more like:
"Dialogue goes here." Erin does a thing.
Sophie does also did a thing. "Dialogue here."
Additionally, the punctuation of your dialogue is only sometimes correct. I'm not sure if that is due to typography mistakes or an uncertainty of how things should be punctuated, but nonetheless it jarring.
I think the title is perhaps a microcosm of the issue I have with the story (by that I mean the plot) itself, which is to say that it is very much a stereotypical teen drama, but with much of the necessary things needed to have it function excised due to the word limit, leaving more like a summary of a teen drama than an actual one. The characters seem much too sterile and artificial, as their outside status and lack of success is an informed trait rather than a demonstrated one. We hear about their struggles but aren't witness to them. Perhaps it would have been more effective to showcase Erin striking out, in a humiliating way, then having Sophie relate to him, would seem more organic, but I think the primary issue is that sort of scene wouldn't fit well into this limited word medium.
There's a cut off line I find more interesting than the entire rest of the story, and as far as I can tell, there's no real substantiation on it, which are these two lines paired together:
"Don't you ever wonder if we'd been able to save..."
"...Delilah would be there and everything..."
I tried looking through the rest of the story multiple times to see if there was something I was missing about this Delilah character, and if something happened to her that made these two "shut-ins." The only explanation I can think of relates to the "jack and coke line" which I thought was supposed to be a joke offer. Nonetheless.
Needs more comedy to be a dramady.
It's hard to keep track of the dialogue in this story because the actions and speech of separate characters are not discreet from one another. For example, a lot of the dialogue formatting is like this:
"Dialogue goes here." Erin did a thing. Sophie also did a thing.
"New dialogue here."
Ideally you'd want it to be more like:
"Dialogue goes here." Erin does a thing.
Sophie does also did a thing. "Dialogue here."
Additionally, the punctuation of your dialogue is only sometimes correct. I'm not sure if that is due to typography mistakes or an uncertainty of how things should be punctuated, but nonetheless it jarring.
I think the title is perhaps a microcosm of the issue I have with the story (by that I mean the plot) itself, which is to say that it is very much a stereotypical teen drama, but with much of the necessary things needed to have it function excised due to the word limit, leaving more like a summary of a teen drama than an actual one. The characters seem much too sterile and artificial, as their outside status and lack of success is an informed trait rather than a demonstrated one. We hear about their struggles but aren't witness to them. Perhaps it would have been more effective to showcase Erin striking out, in a humiliating way, then having Sophie relate to him, would seem more organic, but I think the primary issue is that sort of scene wouldn't fit well into this limited word medium.
There's a cut off line I find more interesting than the entire rest of the story, and as far as I can tell, there's no real substantiation on it, which are these two lines paired together:
"Don't you ever wonder if we'd been able to save..."
"...Delilah would be there and everything..."
I tried looking through the rest of the story multiple times to see if there was something I was missing about this Delilah character, and if something happened to her that made these two "shut-ins." The only explanation I can think of relates to the "jack and coke line" which I thought was supposed to be a joke offer. Nonetheless.
Needs more comedy to be a dramady.
This is a well-written slice-of-life dramedy, but the foundation felt a little forced and shaky to me.
The first thing that sticks out to me is that the characters don't seem very likeable. They were depressing and mean to each other on topics that would normally hurt a lot of feelings, particularly for kids at this age. I could see well-adjusted older adults doing this if they'd known each other all their lives, but even then that's a stretch.
I felt like the Delilah thing came out of left field. We never find out more about who she was as a person, so this struck me as a cheap attempt to add drama without anything interesting behind it. This is especially true given that the fact both characters feel guilty is unusual, but the audience never gets offered any clues to what happened so we don't get to see things clearly from the protagonists' perspective.
I'm not sure the connection between Delilah and the rest of the conversation is that strong since there isn't an established relationship between her and the male protagonist. It feels like an odd leap given that the main conversation isn't about mistakes, it's about rejection. Being rejected isn't a mistake.
One last thing: Sophie barks, and as a wolf bitch I am triggered by the 'bitch' stereotype. :ajbemused:
The first thing that sticks out to me is that the characters don't seem very likeable. They were depressing and mean to each other on topics that would normally hurt a lot of feelings, particularly for kids at this age. I could see well-adjusted older adults doing this if they'd known each other all their lives, but even then that's a stretch.
I felt like the Delilah thing came out of left field. We never find out more about who she was as a person, so this struck me as a cheap attempt to add drama without anything interesting behind it. This is especially true given that the fact both characters feel guilty is unusual, but the audience never gets offered any clues to what happened so we don't get to see things clearly from the protagonists' perspective.
I'm not sure the connection between Delilah and the rest of the conversation is that strong since there isn't an established relationship between her and the male protagonist. It feels like an odd leap given that the main conversation isn't about mistakes, it's about rejection. Being rejected isn't a mistake.
One last thing: Sophie barks, and as a wolf bitch I am triggered by the 'bitch' stereotype. :ajbemused:
This was too short. You have a great beginning, even if cliché. I felt some empathy for the two characters, thanks to their nice interactions.
Bonus point for not having any single hint (or I missed them) of a possible love relationship between them.
Side note: careful with your puctuation.
Bonus point for not having any single hint (or I missed them) of a possible love relationship between them.
Side note: careful with your puctuation.
Solid scene with a decent dialogue beat, but is ultimately just a scene, I feel. We are really in the same place where we start, and while you are somewhat smooth with the transition into drama, it really doesn't change or recontextualize anything (in my opinion).
Otherwise, see >>Cassius for some good advice.
But yeah, pretty decent dialogue, but I wouldn't call this Dramedy. Scrubs is dramedy. This is pretty straight teen interaction.
Otherwise, see >>Cassius for some good advice.
But yeah, pretty decent dialogue, but I wouldn't call this Dramedy. Scrubs is dramedy. This is pretty straight teen interaction.
It's not bad but it doesn't stand out either. The context is hard to figure out outside of North America, since – at least in France – we don't have all those prom things and so on. No social events organised by high schools.
So anyways –
I wonder what's exactly is going on here. The guy wants to ask this girl out but gets friend zoned. Then his friend says he’s bordering gay. Then suddenly he gives up and admits that a good video game is maybe more important.
I mean okay, that's a pretty realistic dialogue between teens, but the stakes are so low and the situation is so easily solved that you cannot really call that neither a drama nor a comedy. As it stands, it's a slice of life.
So anyways –
I wonder what's exactly is going on here. The guy wants to ask this girl out but gets friend zoned. Then his friend says he’s bordering gay. Then suddenly he gives up and admits that a good video game is maybe more important.
I mean okay, that's a pretty realistic dialogue between teens, but the stakes are so low and the situation is so easily solved that you cannot really call that neither a drama nor a comedy. As it stands, it's a slice of life.
>>Fenton
>>Monokeras
Listen to the wisdom of the Frenchmen. They know what's up here.
It's a nice character piece, but there isn't enough story going on to elevate it above mid-tier "that happened" territory. As with some other entries this round (and every round, to be honest, but see >>Ranmilia in particular) there's an overreliance on infodumping offscreen events and talking about them, rather than actually having interesting things happen in the story at hand.
The characters and their friendship do resonate pretty well with me, though, and I get the feeling that was the primary aim, so well done there. Thanks for writing!
>>Monokeras
Listen to the wisdom of the Frenchmen. They know what's up here.
It's a nice character piece, but there isn't enough story going on to elevate it above mid-tier "that happened" territory. As with some other entries this round (and every round, to be honest, but see >>Ranmilia in particular) there's an overreliance on infodumping offscreen events and talking about them, rather than actually having interesting things happen in the story at hand.
The characters and their friendship do resonate pretty well with me, though, and I get the feeling that was the primary aim, so well done there. Thanks for writing!
>>Ranmilia
I'm afraid you've been misled, Frenchmen don't speak wisdom, they speak love.
"La beauté sibylline d'une grâce angélique"
I'm afraid you've been misled, Frenchmen don't speak wisdom, they speak love.
"La beauté sibylline d'une grâce angélique"