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You’d Better Skip This One.
This story seems familiar already, doesn't it? Even by the first sentence, you feel you've read the same thing before. Just hang on a bit.
You know that déjà vu is supposed to be just a form of neural overlap; two parts of your brain going out of sync, so it feels like you've experienced something twice. There's more to it than that, of course. You know how you feel when you should have done something important, and you failed, but you can still feel that chance of success as if it was burning in the air in front of you? As if somewhere you'd done it right the first time?
And haven't you ever been chasing a really interesting idea, and had that feeling that you were just on the verge of something great, something that was really going to be transformative, something that might justify your whole life, and then it all fell apart on you?
There's a reason. You aren't going to like it.
You're not the only one, of course. That is, you're not the only one of you. There's more of you, out there in the spaces of possibility, all separate, and you can't ever see them or directly communicate with them. But when some of you happen to be thinking about similar things at similar times, sometimes you can feel what they're feeling, and what they think can reinforce what you're thinking.
And when a bunch of you are thinking along the same lines, and new ideas just seem to snap into place, it feels great, doesn't it? It's like a bunch of separate vines growing and curling together until they have enough support to grow upward, and the meanings converge, and you feel like you're a part of something truly amazing. And in truth, you are. You really are.
But that Tower of Babel legend, it means something. This sort of thing has been going on a long time and our ancestors knew something was up.
There's something else out there, and like the sun it feels good for vines to grow towards it. But also like the sun, it would be disastrous for a vine to get too close to it.
So here's that one version of you, just feeling its way upward into the space of ideas, and radiating those good ideas to the others that are converging with it, and all of you feel great. And then something happens. The good feelings dissolve in confusion and bitterness, and there's just that memory of how good things could have been, and now you have to start over. You feel like the spirit has drained out of everything, and you're left drifting and hopeless, like you've lost someone you loved and you don't know why.
Now you do know why. The one of you that was furthest out in front--the one with the best grip on the idea--that one just vanished from existence.
You didn't know it, but you were lucky, even though something horrible just happened. Like a vine that's been cut in half, you can at least try to grow again in a different direction. But that one version of you on which the rest were leaning, the one that was getting too close... what happened to that one?
I told you that you weren't going to like this.
Whatever force it is out there, it may be only be culling what it has to in order to keep us away. Maybe it doesn't care if we get too close and our main vine gets burnt to ash. Perhaps we're just being pruned back, like a rose bush that starts overgrowing onto the lawn. Maybe it's eliminating the nascent competition.
Maybe it's hungry and it's picking the ones that are ripest.
Now that you know this, what can you do? Not very much, is there? If you start thinking too hard about how to solve this problem... you're next.
Maybe you'll start becoming more like that force, feeling the ideas growing in the back of your mind, those thoughts with the greatest potential to transcend and become something more... and then stamping them back down to oblivion, starving them of your mental energy, or perverting them into different channels to keep them from getting too fruitful.
Or you could just forget all about this and go on with your life.
This is just a story, after all, one that seems familiar, as if you've read it before.
You know that déjà vu is supposed to be just a form of neural overlap; two parts of your brain going out of sync, so it feels like you've experienced something twice. There's more to it than that, of course. You know how you feel when you should have done something important, and you failed, but you can still feel that chance of success as if it was burning in the air in front of you? As if somewhere you'd done it right the first time?
And haven't you ever been chasing a really interesting idea, and had that feeling that you were just on the verge of something great, something that was really going to be transformative, something that might justify your whole life, and then it all fell apart on you?
There's a reason. You aren't going to like it.
You're not the only one, of course. That is, you're not the only one of you. There's more of you, out there in the spaces of possibility, all separate, and you can't ever see them or directly communicate with them. But when some of you happen to be thinking about similar things at similar times, sometimes you can feel what they're feeling, and what they think can reinforce what you're thinking.
And when a bunch of you are thinking along the same lines, and new ideas just seem to snap into place, it feels great, doesn't it? It's like a bunch of separate vines growing and curling together until they have enough support to grow upward, and the meanings converge, and you feel like you're a part of something truly amazing. And in truth, you are. You really are.
But that Tower of Babel legend, it means something. This sort of thing has been going on a long time and our ancestors knew something was up.
There's something else out there, and like the sun it feels good for vines to grow towards it. But also like the sun, it would be disastrous for a vine to get too close to it.
So here's that one version of you, just feeling its way upward into the space of ideas, and radiating those good ideas to the others that are converging with it, and all of you feel great. And then something happens. The good feelings dissolve in confusion and bitterness, and there's just that memory of how good things could have been, and now you have to start over. You feel like the spirit has drained out of everything, and you're left drifting and hopeless, like you've lost someone you loved and you don't know why.
Now you do know why. The one of you that was furthest out in front--the one with the best grip on the idea--that one just vanished from existence.
You didn't know it, but you were lucky, even though something horrible just happened. Like a vine that's been cut in half, you can at least try to grow again in a different direction. But that one version of you on which the rest were leaning, the one that was getting too close... what happened to that one?
I told you that you weren't going to like this.
Whatever force it is out there, it may be only be culling what it has to in order to keep us away. Maybe it doesn't care if we get too close and our main vine gets burnt to ash. Perhaps we're just being pruned back, like a rose bush that starts overgrowing onto the lawn. Maybe it's eliminating the nascent competition.
Maybe it's hungry and it's picking the ones that are ripest.
Now that you know this, what can you do? Not very much, is there? If you start thinking too hard about how to solve this problem... you're next.
Maybe you'll start becoming more like that force, feeling the ideas growing in the back of your mind, those thoughts with the greatest potential to transcend and become something more... and then stamping them back down to oblivion, starving them of your mental energy, or perverting them into different channels to keep them from getting too fruitful.
Or you could just forget all about this and go on with your life.
This is just a story, after all, one that seems familiar, as if you've read it before.
A non-story that actually manages to say many things and still tells something.
I understand what you were aiming for and it was pretty risky, but I must say you handled it quite well. The bookends, the pace, the prose, everything felt right to me.
I'm not so sure how high I will rank it, because I still prefers stories with defined characters and so on, but I have no choice but to recognize how greatly this story fulfilled its premise, and therefore, reward it.
Thank you for your work.
I understand what you were aiming for and it was pretty risky, but I must say you handled it quite well. The bookends, the pace, the prose, everything felt right to me.
I'm not so sure how high I will rank it, because I still prefers stories with defined characters and so on, but I have no choice but to recognize how greatly this story fulfilled its premise, and therefore, reward it.
Thank you for your work.
Creative interpretation of the prompt, and I can appreciate the level of thought that went into it. But while it's a philosophical piece, I can't say that the ideas really resonated with me. I guess by the interpretation of the story, I'm safe from it, as I'm in the 'go along with my life' camp. Still, I it was successful in sparking thought and reflection, and I appreciate having read it.
This is very interesting. I love the ideas.
I'm not sure it's a story, and I'm not sure if that matters. Still, it could use more characterization... somehow. Maybe.
I don't think the bookending adds anything—it felt trite to me. I think it's a better story if you strike the last sentence.
I'm not sure it's a story, and I'm not sure if that matters. Still, it could use more characterization... somehow. Maybe.
I don't think the bookending adds anything—it felt trite to me. I think it's a better story if you strike the last sentence.
What's that cooking on the stove there? Why I do believe it is a big ol' pot of Creepypasta!
Thinking about it, this is actually a bit of deja vu. I've read a few stories that have a similar core idea (the discovery of the knowledge that should not be - not that this is exclusive to creepypasta), and the real trick to them is to dig in deep on that feeling that connects to the bad thing so that it transfers the horror straight to them. I suppose my biggest suggestion would just be to tighten it up a little. It feels a little too meandery in this form still and not quite getting at the heart of the horror. Really make me fear deja vu.
And I disagree with >>Trick_Question, though I think the line could be improved. It's a bit clunky as is. But reminding the person that they've read stories like this before? That's the hammerblow for the creepy!
I mean. Yeah. I've seen something like this before.
A few times.
It... kinda makes you think, doesn't it.
I
Thinking about it, this is actually a bit of deja vu. I've read a few stories that have a similar core idea (the discovery of the knowledge that should not be - not that this is exclusive to creepypasta), and the real trick to them is to dig in deep on that feeling that connects to the bad thing so that it transfers the horror straight to them. I suppose my biggest suggestion would just be to tighten it up a little. It feels a little too meandery in this form still and not quite getting at the heart of the horror. Really make me fear deja vu.
And I disagree with >>Trick_Question, though I think the line could be improved. It's a bit clunky as is. But reminding the person that they've read stories like this before? That's the hammerblow for the creepy!
I mean. Yeah. I've seen something like this before.
A few times.
It... kinda makes you think, doesn't it.
I
Yeah, I have, indeed, read stuff along these lines before.
Props for ambition and a creative take on the prompt! I reviewed another second person piece, Walking with a Goddess, right before this one, and noted there that second person voice is good for directly engaging the reader. This here is the sort of use I was talking about! Great stuff. Drew me in immediately, even though I was feeling pushed away by the text.
The push away is a problem, though. Ironic and edgy it may be, it doesn't put the reader into a good headspace for enjoying what comes afterwards. Is the ironic flavor really worth the risk of poisoning the well before you've even started?
As to the actual material... ehn, fairly basic presentation. It overshot the typical parallel universe yard, but landed in the well manicured Forbidden Knowledge yard across the street. A creepypasta format is better than no format, but I still would have preferred some sort of stronger framing device to obscure the feeling of "I had a cool idea, here let me directly tell you about it" that pervades so many rushed minis.
I also noticed frequent use of hypotheticals: "maybe" this, "perhaps" that, "maybe it's because of this". I'd advise trying to avoid those, especially in creepypasta/horror work. That might seem contradictory, given that one of the principles of good horror is to leave some ambiguity, but the reader needs to come to the ambiguity on their own. When the author/narrative voice of a piece outright says "maybe X," it tends to mean "X is true but weakly presented" in people's minds, until and unless X is directly contradicted. So whenever you're tempted to use "maybe" or "perhaps," try and find a way to do it differently: metaphor, suggestion, parallel meanings, get creative!
I'll have to think about where exactly to rank this one. There's a narrative arc, but it's on a different axis than most... probably slightly above average, low top third somewhere, for me. Very unique angle, some holes, but also some very strong technique on the second person and a good fit to the mini format. Yeah, sounds about right. Thanks for writing!
But too bad you just lost The Game...
Props for ambition and a creative take on the prompt! I reviewed another second person piece, Walking with a Goddess, right before this one, and noted there that second person voice is good for directly engaging the reader. This here is the sort of use I was talking about! Great stuff. Drew me in immediately, even though I was feeling pushed away by the text.
The push away is a problem, though. Ironic and edgy it may be, it doesn't put the reader into a good headspace for enjoying what comes afterwards. Is the ironic flavor really worth the risk of poisoning the well before you've even started?
As to the actual material... ehn, fairly basic presentation. It overshot the typical parallel universe yard, but landed in the well manicured Forbidden Knowledge yard across the street. A creepypasta format is better than no format, but I still would have preferred some sort of stronger framing device to obscure the feeling of "I had a cool idea, here let me directly tell you about it" that pervades so many rushed minis.
I also noticed frequent use of hypotheticals: "maybe" this, "perhaps" that, "maybe it's because of this". I'd advise trying to avoid those, especially in creepypasta/horror work. That might seem contradictory, given that one of the principles of good horror is to leave some ambiguity, but the reader needs to come to the ambiguity on their own. When the author/narrative voice of a piece outright says "maybe X," it tends to mean "X is true but weakly presented" in people's minds, until and unless X is directly contradicted. So whenever you're tempted to use "maybe" or "perhaps," try and find a way to do it differently: metaphor, suggestion, parallel meanings, get creative!
I'll have to think about where exactly to rank this one. There's a narrative arc, but it's on a different axis than most... probably slightly above average, low top third somewhere, for me. Very unique angle, some holes, but also some very strong technique on the second person and a good fit to the mini format. Yeah, sounds about right. Thanks for writing!
But too bad you just lost The Game...
Well the core concept is good, but the form it is presented under is somewhat boring. I can't get away from the feeling that this is 100% infodump and nothing else.
The prose is good but I can't really say I was engaged. It read to me like, you know, a primer or a children version of a science book.
I acknowledge the prose and the idea, but the execution was a no-go for me.
The prose is good but I can't really say I was engaged. It read to me like, you know, a primer or a children version of a science book.
I acknowledge the prose and the idea, but the execution was a no-go for me.
I feel like this is an interesting concept that just isn't executed successfully. While the story is pretty consistent in its tone and second-person perspective, there's just not much to grasp here. Alternate yous are discovering a truth, then killed? Intriguing, but does it really hold up a whole story? I give it points for playing it for creepiness, but other than this tone, it just doesn't feel like there's much to this story.
3/10, doesn't this review feel somewhat...familiar?
3/10, doesn't this review feel somewhat...familiar?