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Someone is Wrong in the Multiverse
The season finale had barely ended when Charlie took to twitter to vent her displeasure.
She watched as a scattering of responses came from her mutuals. @hamshrug bewailed the way his cinnamon roll son was treated; @scamdwitch ranted on rushed fight sequences. She was thinking through the first few scenes of a fixfic to try and salvage the mess when her tweet received another response.
At this point people started piling on, responding to his comment with 'But first, we need to talk about parallel universes' over and over, which caused her to snicker. But Charlie sensed an argument she was zero percent interested in having, and clicked to block the guy.
The fun in communal misery had waned. She closed her laptop and wandered off to bed, still stewing over the atrocity of storytelling she had just witnessed.
The next morning, Charlie woke up to the buzz of her phone. She groped for it, blearily looking at the newly-received email.
She hit delete.
Halfway through getting up and dressed, her phone buzzed again.
She clicked 'delete request' on the friend request on Facebook too.
She was checking her mail downstairs when she realized something was strange. A postcard that had been delivered yesterday read: "Please pardon the crude display of my point, but now you must admit that what you had written off as 'totally implausible' does in fact have some merit. Allow me to explain. But first, we need to talk about parallel universes."
She threw it away, along with two other letters from the guy.
She threw away the newspaper too, after noticing the front page headline was PARALLEL UNIVERSES, AND WHY WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THEM
"Everything okay, hun?"
Charlie looked up from jamming paper into the trashbin to see the lady who lived upstairs. "Just having a bad day."
"Sorry to hear that! Oh, I met a friend of yours. What was it he wanted me to tell you againā¦?"
Charlie bolted out the front door.
Pulling her car out of the driveway, Charlie turned on the radio. "Next up is the new hit by Alec and the Hadron Colliders. It's 'But first, we need to talk about parallel universes'!" She clicked it off. The car that pulled up next to her was blasting it out of open windows anyways.
She found a pair of earplugs in her center console and jammed them in. It was only when she made it to work and realized work wasn't there that she realized she would need to put an end to this somehow.
The coffee shop had vanished from the strip mall. Instead, there was... Butt-First Fitness, then a theater playing We Need to Talk about Kevin, then Paralegal Services (that had lost its 'ga'), and finally Universus, the "one-stop shop for competitive unicycle jousting." So when she read them all across the top...
She got out and stormed to the center of the parking lot. Throwing her head back, she yelled out, "I get it, let's fucking talk!"
She was unsurprised when a dude in a Batman/Ghostbusters mashup t-shirt slunk out from behind a tree.
"So talk," Charlie said. "What was so good about the Star Trek finale?"
Alec stared at her. "What?"
"You heard me."
"You were talking about Star Trek?"
"Obviously."
"Notā¦ Star vs. the Forces of Evil?"
"Nope."
Alec cleared his throat, shuffling his feet. "I think there's been a misunderstanding."
Charlie let out a huge breath. "Are you kidding me? The Star Vs. finale was actually good. I don't like what they did to Marco, but--"
It's only when Alec's eyes lit up that Charlie realized her mistake.
"Well, actually..."
š„Charliemanderš„ @chrdeluxe
Worst ep of star ever?? Logically incoherent, totally implausible--writers bs 'multiverse' stuff bc they're out of ideas
She watched as a scattering of responses came from her mutuals. @hamshrug bewailed the way his cinnamon roll son was treated; @scamdwitch ranted on rushed fight sequences. She was thinking through the first few scenes of a fixfic to try and salvage the mess when her tweet received another response.
Alec Vinswald @avinturer - 3 minutes ago
Maybe you just didn't understand it? It's all very carefully crafted and clever. At first I was confused too! (1/32)
Alec Vinswald @avinturer - 2 minutes ago
I'm happy to walk you through in detail. But first, we need to talk about parallel universes. (2/32)
At this point people started piling on, responding to his comment with 'But first, we need to talk about parallel universes' over and over, which caused her to snicker. But Charlie sensed an argument she was zero percent interested in having, and clicked to block the guy.
The fun in communal misery had waned. She closed her laptop and wandered off to bed, still stewing over the atrocity of storytelling she had just witnessed.
The next morning, Charlie woke up to the buzz of her phone. She groped for it, blearily looking at the newly-received email.
Alec Vinswald <avinswald@gmail.com> - Thoughts on the Season Finale
Dear @chrdeluxe,
I hope you will not take this amiss, but I believe we got off on the wrong foot
yesterday. I'd really like to continue our conversation, and think you will
agree that surface-level inconsistencies mask what is a rather intricate
rumination on causality. But first, we need to talk about parallel universes.
She hit delete.
Halfway through getting up and dressed, her phone buzzed again.
She clicked 'delete request' on the friend request on Facebook too.
She was checking her mail downstairs when she realized something was strange. A postcard that had been delivered yesterday read: "Please pardon the crude display of my point, but now you must admit that what you had written off as 'totally implausible' does in fact have some merit. Allow me to explain. But first, we need to talk about parallel universes."
She threw it away, along with two other letters from the guy.
She threw away the newspaper too, after noticing the front page headline was PARALLEL UNIVERSES, AND WHY WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THEM
"Everything okay, hun?"
Charlie looked up from jamming paper into the trashbin to see the lady who lived upstairs. "Just having a bad day."
"Sorry to hear that! Oh, I met a friend of yours. What was it he wanted me to tell you againā¦?"
Charlie bolted out the front door.
Pulling her car out of the driveway, Charlie turned on the radio. "Next up is the new hit by Alec and the Hadron Colliders. It's 'But first, we need to talk about parallel universes'!" She clicked it off. The car that pulled up next to her was blasting it out of open windows anyways.
She found a pair of earplugs in her center console and jammed them in. It was only when she made it to work and realized work wasn't there that she realized she would need to put an end to this somehow.
The coffee shop had vanished from the strip mall. Instead, there was... Butt-First Fitness, then a theater playing We Need to Talk about Kevin, then Paralegal Services (that had lost its 'ga'), and finally Universus, the "one-stop shop for competitive unicycle jousting." So when she read them all across the top...
She got out and stormed to the center of the parking lot. Throwing her head back, she yelled out, "I get it, let's fucking talk!"
She was unsurprised when a dude in a Batman/Ghostbusters mashup t-shirt slunk out from behind a tree.
"So talk," Charlie said. "What was so good about the Star Trek finale?"
Alec stared at her. "What?"
"You heard me."
"You were talking about Star Trek?"
"Obviously."
"Notā¦ Star vs. the Forces of Evil?"
"Nope."
Alec cleared his throat, shuffling his feet. "I think there's been a misunderstanding."
Charlie let out a huge breath. "Are you kidding me? The Star Vs. finale was actually good. I don't like what they did to Marco, but--"
It's only when Alec's eyes lit up that Charlie realized her mistake.
"Well, actually..."
This one didn't land with me quite as well as it did for Foehn.
Who is this guy that he has the power to seemingly alter the universe at will? The implication is that he's a dimensional traveler, but I don't see how it'd give you that power. Also, why keep repeating the same line that isn't working. So much repetition of the prompt came off as heavy-handed.
That said, I did like the ending, with the misunderstanding and then subversion.
Who is this guy that he has the power to seemingly alter the universe at will? The implication is that he's a dimensional traveler, but I don't see how it'd give you that power. Also, why keep repeating the same line that isn't working. So much repetition of the prompt came off as heavy-handed.
That said, I did like the ending, with the misunderstanding and then subversion.
This sounds like very much Philip K. Dickās What the Dead Men Say, which is the core of his later novel Ubik. Manifestations of someone invading someone else's universe.
Yeah, the end is midly funny. But I mean, the whole story is based on a single premise repeated ad libidum, and, I mean, much of the story seems like padding to me (besides the feeling of dĆ©jĆ vu caused by the trope being already used in something I read).
Yeah, the end is midly funny. But I mean, the whole story is based on a single premise repeated ad libidum, and, I mean, much of the story seems like padding to me (besides the feeling of dĆ©jĆ vu caused by the trope being already used in something I read).
Oh god, that ending. Love it. Although I wonder how many people here are missing the joke...
I also love the moment with the store names--but really, you don't need that
In all, very amusing.
I also love the moment with the store names--but really, you don't need that
So when she read them all across the top...line. It's just explaining the joke.
In all, very amusing.
Ok, ok, actual review now.
This is a pretty good three act comedy piece! I like most of the first and third acts, their jokes landed well, and I like the idea of the second act. However, I think the execution flounders a bit there and ends up relying on repetition and overexplanation to cover for holes in the substance of the story. (For example, why doesn't Charlie call the police? What do you mean by work "not being there" and why isn't that played up more?)
That's about all I've got. A solid package with some visible seams and patches. Someone clearly got hit by time pressure, in a mini round?! Unpossible!! Thanks for writing!
This is a pretty good three act comedy piece! I like most of the first and third acts, their jokes landed well, and I like the idea of the second act. However, I think the execution flounders a bit there and ends up relying on repetition and overexplanation to cover for holes in the substance of the story. (For example, why doesn't Charlie call the police? What do you mean by work "not being there" and why isn't that played up more?)
That's about all I've got. A solid package with some visible seams and patches. Someone clearly got hit by time pressure, in a mini round?! Unpossible!! Thanks for writing!
>>Ranmilia
* ARE WE POSTING HOT "PICS???" HERE IS ME AND MY COOL FRIEND
* (It's a picture of Poorly Disguised Alt flexing in front of a mirror.)
* (His muscles also have moustache glasses.)
* ARE WE POSTING HOT "PICS???" HERE IS ME AND MY COOL FRIEND
* (It's a picture of Poorly Disguised Alt flexing in front of a mirror.)
* (His muscles also have moustache glasses.)
Well, since I'm showing up in this thread for the first time ever, I should offer a review.
This is certainly amusing random escalation comedy, and meets its goals. Good job! Though I've got to say, personally speaking, up until the punchline this feels almost more like existential horror than comedy -- the first escalation takes this beyond harassment into straight-up stalking, and takes off from there; it's basically some sort of ultimate nightmare scenario for anyone (especially a woman) who has undergone this sort of online harassment.
The refuge in exaggeration serves you well here, since this is so over-the-top it manages to be funny regardless, but I can't escape a little cognitive dissonance from the fact that Alex is so amazingly insistent to be proven right that he breaks reality itself, and yet his apparent goal is to have an actual conversation. Consider making the build-up to the final twist a scene of Alex gloating rather than a mutual exchange -- especially since your punchline relies on him being a cardboard-cutout mansplainer.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
Disagree. See: the endless regrets about trying to be subtle in the Writeoffs.
Tier: Strong
This is certainly amusing random escalation comedy, and meets its goals. Good job! Though I've got to say, personally speaking, up until the punchline this feels almost more like existential horror than comedy -- the first escalation takes this beyond harassment into straight-up stalking, and takes off from there; it's basically some sort of ultimate nightmare scenario for anyone (especially a woman) who has undergone this sort of online harassment.
The refuge in exaggeration serves you well here, since this is so over-the-top it manages to be funny regardless, but I can't escape a little cognitive dissonance from the fact that Alex is so amazingly insistent to be proven right that he breaks reality itself, and yet his apparent goal is to have an actual conversation. Consider making the build-up to the final twist a scene of Alex gloating rather than a mutual exchange -- especially since your punchline relies on him being a cardboard-cutout mansplainer.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
but really, you don't need that "So when she read them all across the top..." line
Disagree. See: the endless regrets about trying to be subtle in the Writeoffs.
Tier: Strong
Sorry, you got lazy!Cassius this time around. Sorry for that. Sort of a muted comedy that manages stick the landing in the final note (although the initial misunderstanding is pretty weak). Alex is basically the comic book guy from The Simpsons as an inexplicable reality warper, which are two ideas together I feel are an acquired taste. Agree with,>>Dubs_Rewatcher, disagree with >>horizon, the pacing of the joke already is a bit drawn out so the subsequent line really feels like an insult to my intelligence and stifles the impact of the punchline. Some paragraphs, particularly the opener, have sleek construction, but the mid-section really gets bogged down. Average marks for this one.
>>horizon
>>Foehn
There's a difference between being clear and being redundant.
Also: an issue in a story for the sake of the Writeoff is still an issue in a story. When I make my comments, I don't make them with the thought in mind that we should be making the story better for the Writeoff... this story will never be submitted in another Writeoff, so what's the point in editing them using Writeoff criteria?
>>Foehn
There's a difference between being clear and being redundant.
Also: an issue in a story for the sake of the Writeoff is still an issue in a story. When I make my comments, I don't make them with the thought in mind that we should be making the story better for the Writeoff... this story will never be submitted in another Writeoff, so what's the point in editing them using Writeoff criteria?
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
To be clear, I was not commenting on your review; rather, I'm terrible at balancing subtlety when it comes to Write-offs. Normally over-do it, occasionally spectacularly under-do it. So, personally, I agree with the sentiment therein expressed; I've found it better to err on the side of bluntness.
Re. this story specifically; yeah, it's probably not necessary. That being said, I totally missed it the first time.
To be clear, I was not commenting on your review; rather, I'm terrible at balancing subtlety when it comes to Write-offs. Normally over-do it, occasionally spectacularly under-do it. So, personally, I agree with the sentiment therein expressed; I've found it better to err on the side of bluntness.
Re. this story specifically; yeah, it's probably not necessary. That being said, I totally missed it the first time.
>>Cassius claims that this story is a bit of an acquired taste, and I must agree. Fortunately that taste is one I love.
This is a story that really just builds on itself nicely, taking a somewhat relatable bit of annoyance (many nerds have trash social skills) and takes it to utterly absurd levels, and then caps it off with a fairly solid punchline (that landed in an additionally funny way because I -also- assumed she meant Star Vs).
That said, this story actually carries with it a bit of risk in that it is a bit of a time and culture locked story. These are not necessarily bad things (see the shit I keep writing), but they do carry risks in that they might just bounce off people who aren't. Of course, it also means they may well land even harder with people who do like them.
I also want to take a brief moment to point out that this is a good example of how a good title can help. Basically, you created a set of expectations for me (this is gonna be about nerdery and people being wrong), something that excited me, and then built on that. Basically, you already had my good will going into the story, so building on it just enhanced my enjoyment.
I agree with Dubs about cutting the last joke line. It's better to let doofuses miss the joke than bog down an otherwise solid delivery, IMO.
This is a story that really just builds on itself nicely, taking a somewhat relatable bit of annoyance (many nerds have trash social skills) and takes it to utterly absurd levels, and then caps it off with a fairly solid punchline (that landed in an additionally funny way because I -also- assumed she meant Star Vs).
That said, this story actually carries with it a bit of risk in that it is a bit of a time and culture locked story. These are not necessarily bad things (see the shit I keep writing), but they do carry risks in that they might just bounce off people who aren't. Of course, it also means they may well land even harder with people who do like them.
I also want to take a brief moment to point out that this is a good example of how a good title can help. Basically, you created a set of expectations for me (this is gonna be about nerdery and people being wrong), something that excited me, and then built on that. Basically, you already had my good will going into the story, so building on it just enhanced my enjoyment.
I agree with Dubs about cutting the last joke line. It's better to let doofuses miss the joke than bog down an otherwise solid delivery, IMO.
I could tell where the joke was going pretty quickly, but it was still entertaining to read. Only thing I wish would be Alec wearing even more ridiculous get-up (like some obscure TV show or those abnormally large-framed glasses), just to accentuate the comedy. But as is, it's serviceable enough.
7/10, don't even ask me about the "We Bare Bears" season finale
7/10, don't even ask me about the "We Bare Bears" season finale
You win 'most title drops in a 750-word story', author! Seriously, though, the drops actually worked. I was going to complain after the second one (even the first one to be totally fair) but you ran with it, and it was an interesting ride. Nice job.
One issue I had was the twist in the story itself. I assumed "star" meant "Star vs." because nopony calls the series "Star Trek" by "star" any more than they do "Star Wars". It's a nice idea, but the ambiguity is unrealistic and feels forced. I also felt like I wasn't understanding the story because I don't know "Star vs." well enough to follow the initial conversation.
The fact that the antagonist has godlike powers despite being something of a loser, and that the protagonist simply accepts this as fact, is strange and not addressed.
One issue I had was the twist in the story itself. I assumed "star" meant "Star vs." because nopony calls the series "Star Trek" by "star" any more than they do "Star Wars". It's a nice idea, but the ambiguity is unrealistic and feels forced. I also felt like I wasn't understanding the story because I don't know "Star vs." well enough to follow the initial conversation.
The fact that the antagonist has godlike powers despite being something of a loser, and that the protagonist simply accepts this as fact, is strange and not addressed.
Wait, "Star vs" is a real thing? Huh. I, uh, thought that was a throwaway fictional work invented for this story. Time to shuffle to the shame corner. (Doesn't change my read, though.)