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Under the Sun: The Game!
Welcome to Under the Sun, the game.
This game has been played for aeons uncounted in Equestria. We have the pleasure to introduce it to our earthly customers. We hope you will enjoy it.
It is best savoured sitting on a hayrick with cider galore during a bright summer day, but it is also meant to be played in almost every other surroundings. We even provide a small, magnetic board version for rocket rides, for example during your next jaunt to Mars. A mobile app for iPhone and Android is currently under development, stay tuned or subscribe to our Facebook™ or Twitter® accounts to keep being posted about the latest news.
The game is played with a single six-sided die (included). Every player choses a token that will represent him(her) during the game (sold separately). Please check you nearest convenience store for high quality, customisable tokens (£1 each). Do not place tokens in microwave ovens or try to clean them in dishwasher. Boards and tokens are flammable, so please keep away from any source of heat or fire. Do not submerge the playing room under water as colour may wash out and foals may drown, leading to unforeseeable consequences with their mother.
For ages 3+. Please consider foals under three of age could either swallow the die or one of the token. So, if you intend to play with a foal under 3, please use plugs instead of tokens.
Rules
There are fifty squares on the game board, numbered from ① to ㊿. All players start from square ①.
Before starting the game, each player throws the die once. The one who gets the highest number starts first. If two or more players draw, the youngest is awarded precedence. The next player is the one located to the right of the first player, and so on around the board.
The first player throws the die and moves the token forwards the number of squares indicated by the die. When the player puts its token on the new square, he must consult the following table to know if (s)he has hit a special event square:
② Discord’s unexpected meddling: The chaos lord is nosy, did you know? But this time, he tries to help you progress. Throw the dice. Go then to the square whose number is the result multiplied by 5. E.g. if you get 3, you go to square ⑮. No, no, don’t thank him, he’s already gone to enjoy a cup of tea with Fluttershy anyway.
④ Running of the leaves: You try to outstrip Rainbow Dash at the start of the Running of the leaves, but you jump the gun. The start is invalidated and all players must get back to the beginning on square ①. Also, Celestia frowns at you, and that makes you feel very unhappy. You bad boy.
⑦ ⑭ ㉑ ㉘ ㉟ ㊷ ㊾ Celestia’s squares: The benevolent tyrant gives her blessing to you, you feel so elated you may play again.
⑩ Daring Do’s temptation: You fly so high that you burn the tip of your wings, tailspin and crash on the ground. You must start over at ①, after skipping one turn to leave the doctors time to pick up and put your bones back together.
⑬ Banishment square: You suddenly turn evil, giving no choice to Celestia but to exile you to the Moon. You must stay there until another player stumbles on the same square, in which case that player takes your place and you are free to carry on. Don’t forget to take a duvet, the nights are pretty cool over there.
⑰ Twilight’s friendship lesson: Twilight Sparkle lectures you on the merits of friendship. To prove your goodwill and (most of all) avoid a lengthy repeat, you accept to exchange your position with one of the players that currently stand behind you. If there is none, well, nothing happens, you lucky guy.
⑳ Sonata’s voice trap: You were suffering from loneliness when suddenly you inherit Sonata’s voice. You’re eager to try it, and… it works. As the other people get mesmerised by your song, they all gather on your square. You enjoy their company.
㉒ Fluttershy’s mishap: You were about to give the start of a flying race when Rainbow Dash unexpectedly crashed into you, bumping you down. You helplessly fell, fell, fell, desperately wriggling and flapping your tiny wings that refused to bear you… but hopefully were rescued by a shoal of butterflies just inches over the ground. Go back to square ③ and consider you lucky to be alive.
㉕ Cutie Mark Crusaders’ weird contraption: In an effort to gain their cutie mark as blimp pilots, the Cutie Mark Crusaders have build a strange flying contraption using balloons inflated by Pinkie Pie. You accept to embark with them, but a strong wind pushes you backwards before you can safely land. Throw the die again and go back the number of squares given by the die.
㉗ Starswirl the Bearded’s secret tunnel: You discover in a dusty shelf of a remote library Starswirl the Bearded's long lost spell compendium. You open the book and pick a spell at random. It opens a trans-dimensional portal that seems to lead into the future. Curious to know what Equestria will look like centuries ahead, you rashly step in and find yourself displaced to square ⑭. Sorry, all trans-dimensional wormholes do not end into the future. You rue your decision, but it’s too late. Also, you lose the book.
㉛ Starlight Glimmer’s evil eye: Starlight Glimmer tries to enslave you into her private little utopia. You resist her spell, but that costs you two rounds delay. When finally you recover your composure, the evil mare has scooted off, of course. However, you feel you must warn Twilight Sparkle something shady is going on with this mare, so you go to square ⑰ to meet her and speak your fears up.
㉞ Sunset Shimmer’s demoniac curse: You go bonkers over the possession of a gold plated toy crown set with garish rhinestones and morph into a menacing devil. Everyone is terrified and recoils three squares from you (either backwards if the player is behind you, or forwards if (s)he is ahead). Hopefully, Twilight and the Mane 6 intervene and a good shower of rainbow power returns you to your previous, true form. Darn, we nearly lost you.
㊲ Buckle up!: You are enrolled to help Applejack harvest pears for the upcoming Fall Pear Cider Celebration. You must skip the next round while enjoying fresh air and the delicious shadow cast by the pear trees. Also, something sounds weird with that, but you can’t place it.
㊵ Minuette’s magic leap: Minuette is so bubbly and pert she carries you four squares ahead with her to meet Lemon Curd.
㊸ Flim Flam brothers’ fake pick-me-up: The Flim Flam brothers coax you into tasting their new mixture. Miracle: it works! You feel so much better and energetic now, you add 2 to your next die roll. But… Alas! It turns out the effect wears off almost immediately, and you suffer from a dire comedown, so you have to deduce 4 from the die roll after the next one.
㊻ Pinkie Pie’s unending party: You’re invited to a Pinkie Pie’s party. You eat so much cake and candy you feel sick and must divide the result of your next throw by two, rounding towards zero (1 → 0; 2, 3 → 1; 4, 5 → 2; 6 → 3).
㊿ The End!: You won! Celestia elects you as her next precious pupil. Enjoy your years under the protection of the Sun monarch!
To win, a player must get to square ㊿ precisely. If when reaching square ㊿ the player has still a number of moves unused, (s)he must go back that amount. For example, if the player is at square ㊽ and throws a ⚄, he goes to ㊿, which consumes two pips, then back to ㊼, i.e. back three squares.
Good luck and enjoy the game.
© 2017 by the WriteOff participants, all rights reserved. Any reproduction of this entire document, or part thereof, by any means, analog or digital or otherwise not yet discovered means of duplication, is hereby authorised, unless to plan to sell it to extraterrestrial forms of life, in which case we may revise our policy depending on the colour of the sun the aliens originate from (no, we aren’t racist, what makes you think that?). However, we would appreciate you sending alms to Roger Dodger who is currently starving at the other end of the world and would welcome any chump change to continue paying for the WriteOff server (yeah, hardware is so expensive these days, there is a shortage of sand from which silicon is made. How so you may ask? Easy: the rising of the sea level has submersed sand beaches all round the world. Do you think we still know how to make CPUs from flint, you galoots? No, that secret has been lost when the last of the Neanderthals passed away), since his broken voice makes it impossible for him to busk in the streets of Adelaide. Bank details will be communicated on request. Cash in $1000 notes can also be sent at leisure.
WriteOff inc.™ is a trade mark registered by said Roger Dodger as an international charity organisation under the terms of the 1987 worldwide charter. We therefore don’t pay tax, not even in Heaven: afterlife insurance works, yeah, yeah (also note the beautiful alliteration there). If you wish to contribute to the ongoing development of this zany community, you can transfer any fund to our bank account located in the Bahamas. We will ponder on your liberality while taking a (preferably long) break on the beach under the palm trees and sipping on a mojito. If you prefer to send a (legal, please) blond virgin, please consider mailing her to Majin Syeekoh, who should make the most of her. Please ensure minimum breast size. Please also ensure you take care of all custom stuff and use a suitable amount of bubble wrap, as we may not be liable to any mishandling or damage during transit or delivery. Note that Majin Syeekoh might return your parcel after a short while, but don’t expect her to be in the same pristine state. Any litigation should be filed and adjudicated in Spitsbergen Islands.
Sunset Shimmer blow-up dolls can be sent to Oroboro. First class mail only.
Goldfish (even stale ones) are also welcome, we will forward them to Rao.
Dubs Rewatcher also accepts cat food.
All parts of this game, board and die, are recyclable. Please do not throw away as standard litter after use. Dispose of according to your local regulations, so that the material can be reused for better purposes. Thanks.
Certified paracetamol and bisphenol-A free.
Made in Swaziland by WriteOff Africa, a subsidiary of WriteOff international inc.™
Please don’t hesitate to use it to write down any remark or suggestion you would like to make. Send all letters to:
The WriteOff fan club
c/o Quill Scratch
London Street, 34
CA56HT CANTERLOTBURY (HOOFSHIRE)
Please enclose self-addressed envelope and coupon if you wish us to respond.
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Pseudo : . . . . . . . . . .
Your message : . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Thank you for liking us on Facebook™ and Twitter™ 👍
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This game has been played for aeons uncounted in Equestria. We have the pleasure to introduce it to our earthly customers. We hope you will enjoy it.
It is best savoured sitting on a hayrick with cider galore during a bright summer day, but it is also meant to be played in almost every other surroundings. We even provide a small, magnetic board version for rocket rides, for example during your next jaunt to Mars. A mobile app for iPhone and Android is currently under development, stay tuned or subscribe to our Facebook™ or Twitter® accounts to keep being posted about the latest news.
The game is played with a single six-sided die (included). Every player choses a token that will represent him(her) during the game (sold separately). Please check you nearest convenience store for high quality, customisable tokens (£1 each). Do not place tokens in microwave ovens or try to clean them in dishwasher. Boards and tokens are flammable, so please keep away from any source of heat or fire. Do not submerge the playing room under water as colour may wash out and foals may drown, leading to unforeseeable consequences with their mother.
For ages 3+. Please consider foals under three of age could either swallow the die or one of the token. So, if you intend to play with a foal under 3, please use plugs instead of tokens.
Rules
There are fifty squares on the game board, numbered from ① to ㊿. All players start from square ①.
Before starting the game, each player throws the die once. The one who gets the highest number starts first. If two or more players draw, the youngest is awarded precedence. The next player is the one located to the right of the first player, and so on around the board.
The first player throws the die and moves the token forwards the number of squares indicated by the die. When the player puts its token on the new square, he must consult the following table to know if (s)he has hit a special event square:
② Discord’s unexpected meddling: The chaos lord is nosy, did you know? But this time, he tries to help you progress. Throw the dice. Go then to the square whose number is the result multiplied by 5. E.g. if you get 3, you go to square ⑮. No, no, don’t thank him, he’s already gone to enjoy a cup of tea with Fluttershy anyway.
④ Running of the leaves: You try to outstrip Rainbow Dash at the start of the Running of the leaves, but you jump the gun. The start is invalidated and all players must get back to the beginning on square ①. Also, Celestia frowns at you, and that makes you feel very unhappy. You bad boy.
⑦ ⑭ ㉑ ㉘ ㉟ ㊷ ㊾ Celestia’s squares: The benevolent tyrant gives her blessing to you, you feel so elated you may play again.
⑩ Daring Do’s temptation: You fly so high that you burn the tip of your wings, tailspin and crash on the ground. You must start over at ①, after skipping one turn to leave the doctors time to pick up and put your bones back together.
⑬ Banishment square: You suddenly turn evil, giving no choice to Celestia but to exile you to the Moon. You must stay there until another player stumbles on the same square, in which case that player takes your place and you are free to carry on. Don’t forget to take a duvet, the nights are pretty cool over there.
⑰ Twilight’s friendship lesson: Twilight Sparkle lectures you on the merits of friendship. To prove your goodwill and (most of all) avoid a lengthy repeat, you accept to exchange your position with one of the players that currently stand behind you. If there is none, well, nothing happens, you lucky guy.
⑳ Sonata’s voice trap: You were suffering from loneliness when suddenly you inherit Sonata’s voice. You’re eager to try it, and… it works. As the other people get mesmerised by your song, they all gather on your square. You enjoy their company.
㉒ Fluttershy’s mishap: You were about to give the start of a flying race when Rainbow Dash unexpectedly crashed into you, bumping you down. You helplessly fell, fell, fell, desperately wriggling and flapping your tiny wings that refused to bear you… but hopefully were rescued by a shoal of butterflies just inches over the ground. Go back to square ③ and consider you lucky to be alive.
㉕ Cutie Mark Crusaders’ weird contraption: In an effort to gain their cutie mark as blimp pilots, the Cutie Mark Crusaders have build a strange flying contraption using balloons inflated by Pinkie Pie. You accept to embark with them, but a strong wind pushes you backwards before you can safely land. Throw the die again and go back the number of squares given by the die.
㉗ Starswirl the Bearded’s secret tunnel: You discover in a dusty shelf of a remote library Starswirl the Bearded's long lost spell compendium. You open the book and pick a spell at random. It opens a trans-dimensional portal that seems to lead into the future. Curious to know what Equestria will look like centuries ahead, you rashly step in and find yourself displaced to square ⑭. Sorry, all trans-dimensional wormholes do not end into the future. You rue your decision, but it’s too late. Also, you lose the book.
㉛ Starlight Glimmer’s evil eye: Starlight Glimmer tries to enslave you into her private little utopia. You resist her spell, but that costs you two rounds delay. When finally you recover your composure, the evil mare has scooted off, of course. However, you feel you must warn Twilight Sparkle something shady is going on with this mare, so you go to square ⑰ to meet her and speak your fears up.
㉞ Sunset Shimmer’s demoniac curse: You go bonkers over the possession of a gold plated toy crown set with garish rhinestones and morph into a menacing devil. Everyone is terrified and recoils three squares from you (either backwards if the player is behind you, or forwards if (s)he is ahead). Hopefully, Twilight and the Mane 6 intervene and a good shower of rainbow power returns you to your previous, true form. Darn, we nearly lost you.
㊲ Buckle up!: You are enrolled to help Applejack harvest pears for the upcoming Fall Pear Cider Celebration. You must skip the next round while enjoying fresh air and the delicious shadow cast by the pear trees. Also, something sounds weird with that, but you can’t place it.
㊵ Minuette’s magic leap: Minuette is so bubbly and pert she carries you four squares ahead with her to meet Lemon Curd.
㊸ Flim Flam brothers’ fake pick-me-up: The Flim Flam brothers coax you into tasting their new mixture. Miracle: it works! You feel so much better and energetic now, you add 2 to your next die roll. But… Alas! It turns out the effect wears off almost immediately, and you suffer from a dire comedown, so you have to deduce 4 from the die roll after the next one.
㊻ Pinkie Pie’s unending party: You’re invited to a Pinkie Pie’s party. You eat so much cake and candy you feel sick and must divide the result of your next throw by two, rounding towards zero (1 → 0; 2, 3 → 1; 4, 5 → 2; 6 → 3).
㊿ The End!: You won! Celestia elects you as her next precious pupil. Enjoy your years under the protection of the Sun monarch!
To win, a player must get to square ㊿ precisely. If when reaching square ㊿ the player has still a number of moves unused, (s)he must go back that amount. For example, if the player is at square ㊽ and throws a ⚄, he goes to ㊿, which consumes two pips, then back to ㊼, i.e. back three squares.
Good luck and enjoy the game.
© 2017 by the WriteOff participants, all rights reserved. Any reproduction of this entire document, or part thereof, by any means, analog or digital or otherwise not yet discovered means of duplication, is hereby authorised, unless to plan to sell it to extraterrestrial forms of life, in which case we may revise our policy depending on the colour of the sun the aliens originate from (no, we aren’t racist, what makes you think that?). However, we would appreciate you sending alms to Roger Dodger who is currently starving at the other end of the world and would welcome any chump change to continue paying for the WriteOff server (yeah, hardware is so expensive these days, there is a shortage of sand from which silicon is made. How so you may ask? Easy: the rising of the sea level has submersed sand beaches all round the world. Do you think we still know how to make CPUs from flint, you galoots? No, that secret has been lost when the last of the Neanderthals passed away), since his broken voice makes it impossible for him to busk in the streets of Adelaide. Bank details will be communicated on request. Cash in $1000 notes can also be sent at leisure.
WriteOff inc.™ is a trade mark registered by said Roger Dodger as an international charity organisation under the terms of the 1987 worldwide charter. We therefore don’t pay tax, not even in Heaven: afterlife insurance works, yeah, yeah (also note the beautiful alliteration there). If you wish to contribute to the ongoing development of this zany community, you can transfer any fund to our bank account located in the Bahamas. We will ponder on your liberality while taking a (preferably long) break on the beach under the palm trees and sipping on a mojito. If you prefer to send a (legal, please) blond virgin, please consider mailing her to Majin Syeekoh, who should make the most of her. Please ensure minimum breast size. Please also ensure you take care of all custom stuff and use a suitable amount of bubble wrap, as we may not be liable to any mishandling or damage during transit or delivery. Note that Majin Syeekoh might return your parcel after a short while, but don’t expect her to be in the same pristine state. Any litigation should be filed and adjudicated in Spitsbergen Islands.
Sunset Shimmer blow-up dolls can be sent to Oroboro. First class mail only.
Goldfish (even stale ones) are also welcome, we will forward them to Rao.
Dubs Rewatcher also accepts cat food.
All parts of this game, board and die, are recyclable. Please do not throw away as standard litter after use. Dispose of according to your local regulations, so that the material can be reused for better purposes. Thanks.
Certified paracetamol and bisphenol-A free.
Made in Swaziland by WriteOff Africa, a subsidiary of WriteOff international inc.™
Please don’t hesitate to use it to write down any remark or suggestion you would like to make. Send all letters to:
The WriteOff fan club
c/o Quill Scratch
London Street, 34
CA56HT CANTERLOTBURY (HOOFSHIRE)
Please enclose self-addressed envelope and coupon if you wish us to respond.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ✂︎ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Pseudo : . . . . . . . . . .
Your message : . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Thank you for liking us on Facebook™ and Twitter™ 👍
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Pics
Genre: Through The Meta Glass
Thoughts: What we have here looks like rules a reasonably interesting game, followed by a fusillade of meta. On the one hand, I applaud the creativity on offer here, and I'll confess the joke at Oroboro's expense got a laugh out of me. Unfortunately I don't think it's the sort of situation where there's a story hidden underneath the silliness, which makes it hard for me to rank it alongside the stories here.
I might have to try this game, though...
Tier: Orthogonal
Thoughts: What we have here looks like rules a reasonably interesting game, followed by a fusillade of meta. On the one hand, I applaud the creativity on offer here, and I'll confess the joke at Oroboro's expense got a laugh out of me. Unfortunately I don't think it's the sort of situation where there's a story hidden underneath the silliness, which makes it hard for me to rank it alongside the stories here.
I might have to try this game, though...
Tier: Orthogonal
time to play the game of Does This Count as a Story?
almost. I think it almost does.
It's probably all a joke, not intended to be taken seriously, but I see some potential here that makes me almost want to take it seriously.
This describes the rules to a pretty basic Chutes & Ladders type of game, which is alright because it's simple enough for anyone to understand. The key content is in all this flavor text for special event squares. Though an awful lot of them send you back a long way, which sounds frustrating even for young children.
It's just so random. And I don't just mean because it's played by rolling dice. Nor do I mean all the non-sequitur "random" humor and writeoff references in the foreword and afterword. It's random because none of the game's spaces connect with each other within a structure, it's just a list of show-related events that could happen in any order. Narrowing this down even a little could've made a cohesive theme, and then I might see it as telling a story in a creative, unconventional way.
As it is now, it's just a joke with a gimmick.
almost. I think it almost does.
It's probably all a joke, not intended to be taken seriously, but I see some potential here that makes me almost want to take it seriously.
This describes the rules to a pretty basic Chutes & Ladders type of game, which is alright because it's simple enough for anyone to understand. The key content is in all this flavor text for special event squares. Though an awful lot of them send you back a long way, which sounds frustrating even for young children.
It's just so random. And I don't just mean because it's played by rolling dice. Nor do I mean all the non-sequitur "random" humor and writeoff references in the foreword and afterword. It's random because none of the game's spaces connect with each other within a structure, it's just a list of show-related events that could happen in any order. Narrowing this down even a little could've made a cohesive theme, and then I might see it as telling a story in a creative, unconventional way.
As it is now, it's just a joke with a gimmick.
So... what's with this round and having stories that aren't actually stories?
I was laughing my tail off for most of this, but... it's not actually a story! I really want it to be one too! Just because of that, it's going to have to take a hit in my rating, even though I hate doing it. I really did love this thing.
The real question is how well has this been playtested, because I actually want to play this game right freaking now.
By the way, I object. Sunset Shimmer things can be sent to me too, you know. Jeez. Oroboro gets all the fun.
I was laughing my tail off for most of this, but... it's not actually a story! I really want it to be one too! Just because of that, it's going to have to take a hit in my rating, even though I hate doing it. I really did love this thing.
The real question is how well has this been playtested, because I actually want to play this game right freaking now.
By the way, I object. Sunset Shimmer things can be sent to me too, you know. Jeez. Oroboro gets all the fun.
Roll and move is, at best, a mediocre game mechanic. But that is neither here nor there.
So, like, unfortunately, I'm both a marketing copywriter AND a decently serious tabletop gamer, so this story kinda gets me both coming and going. There are some decent chuckles here, but overall there are just a lot of problems that seriously detract from my experience in potentially unique ways.
First and foremost! Marketing copy is short and punchy! Your lead-in is way too long and doesn't really sell me on the product. Why is this game worth my time, crazy alien horse people? You should be telling me that this is the critically acclaimed winner of the coveted Clestia de Jahres, featuring a unique magnetized board that guarantees your game will remain secure even as you're sucked into a black hole.
New developments aren't enough to get me on Twitter or Facebook. I should have a chance to win a limited edition version of the game, or something like that.
Now, onto the game rules. So, I've read a lot of game rulebooks, and there is something that this ruleset fails at that is absolutely critical: victory condition should be spelled out right at the beginning. The players have to have context for the rules that follow. While I can guess that the goal is to reach space 50, that won't be obvious to everyone so you need to make sure that it is understood right away. Otherwise I have no idea what these special spaces are doing for me.
If you aren't using imaginary players, I highly recommend singular "they" rather than he/she constructs. It is much more elegant and everyone who disagrees sucks.
Use a more unique starting condition! They are hella common in hobbyist games and while most people will default to just using normal randomization, stuff like pointest ears, mostly recently planted something, etc are silly and would be tonally super fitting here.
If you're interested in some pretty killer rules from a flavor perspective, check out Dungeon Petz (http://czechgames.com/files/rules/dungeon-petz-rules-en.pdf) by Vlaada Chavtil. This is actually a relatively dense and kinda complicated game, but they work in some super awesome humor and flavor in the rules.
So, like, unfortunately, I'm both a marketing copywriter AND a decently serious tabletop gamer, so this story kinda gets me both coming and going. There are some decent chuckles here, but overall there are just a lot of problems that seriously detract from my experience in potentially unique ways.
First and foremost! Marketing copy is short and punchy! Your lead-in is way too long and doesn't really sell me on the product. Why is this game worth my time, crazy alien horse people? You should be telling me that this is the critically acclaimed winner of the coveted Clestia de Jahres, featuring a unique magnetized board that guarantees your game will remain secure even as you're sucked into a black hole.
New developments aren't enough to get me on Twitter or Facebook. I should have a chance to win a limited edition version of the game, or something like that.
Now, onto the game rules. So, I've read a lot of game rulebooks, and there is something that this ruleset fails at that is absolutely critical: victory condition should be spelled out right at the beginning. The players have to have context for the rules that follow. While I can guess that the goal is to reach space 50, that won't be obvious to everyone so you need to make sure that it is understood right away. Otherwise I have no idea what these special spaces are doing for me.
If you aren't using imaginary players, I highly recommend singular "they" rather than he/she constructs. It is much more elegant and everyone who disagrees sucks.
Use a more unique starting condition! They are hella common in hobbyist games and while most people will default to just using normal randomization, stuff like pointest ears, mostly recently planted something, etc are silly and would be tonally super fitting here.
If you're interested in some pretty killer rules from a flavor perspective, check out Dungeon Petz (http://czechgames.com/files/rules/dungeon-petz-rules-en.pdf) by Vlaada Chavtil. This is actually a relatively dense and kinda complicated game, but they work in some super awesome humor and flavor in the rules.
So, I hopped down here to comment after reading the first two paragraphs (will finish the rest momentarily) to note that this is a great way to start one of those manual-type entries. In the space of a few sentences, we establish a universal setting where Earth and Equestria are linked, most likely via technology instead of magic, and that assertion is immediately backed up by describing Mars as a "jaunt" from Earth.
Good stuff out of the gate. Now, onward.
Okay, now that Deadpool, Pinkie, and I have slogged our way through the Meta-terranean Sea after the rule set, I think the opening may have been more clever marketing ploy than world building. But, I can't be sure. Either way, I laughed all the while, though it certainly isn't a story so much as an homage to the weird stuff that goes on in chat.
10/10 for more Goldfish though.
Good stuff out of the gate. Now, onward.
~~~
Okay, now that Deadpool, Pinkie, and I have slogged our way through the Meta-terranean Sea after the rule set, I think the opening may have been more clever marketing ploy than world building. But, I can't be sure. Either way, I laughed all the while, though it certainly isn't a story so much as an homage to the weird stuff that goes on in chat.
10/10 for more Goldfish though.
So I'm firmly in the "not a story" camp here, so this isn't getting a good ranking from me to start with. This is also just too meta without being funny. I mean, there are a couple of clever lines here or there, but there's no coherent joke or payoff for the thing as a whole. It's just a collection of independent show events set up as "spaces" on a board we can't see. Another problem is that all the special unicode characters didn't make it into the epub version, which meant when reading this on a plane, I couldn't even tell what was being shown. Why not just (20) instead of using special characters?
Another problem was the copious amount of spelling and grammar mistakes. It was enough that I suspected there was going to be some payoff or gag about it being a problem of inter-dimensional translation or something, but... nope.
So yeah, bottom line is that the humor is far too little and unconnected for this to feel rewarding as a read, regardless of whether or not one considers it even a story. Sorry.
Another problem was the copious amount of spelling and grammar mistakes. It was enough that I suspected there was going to be some payoff or gag about it being a problem of inter-dimensional translation or something, but... nope.
So yeah, bottom line is that the humor is far too little and unconnected for this to feel rewarding as a read, regardless of whether or not one considers it even a story. Sorry.
I think I'm going to land in the "not a story" camp as well. Not that I don't think meta-stories are a thing, or that this gimmick couldn't be a story if it were done differently, but this doesn't make the cut. A lot of the description and humor is based on retelling various jokes from the show, and once I saw we were going down a list of fifty-some squares, I started to tune out. Then we hit the disclaimer at the end, which was pretty clearly padding intended to get the story above the 2k word limit, and I ended up just skimming.
...Sorry, author, but yeah. I don't really have much to say in defense of this story. It's just fandom references and Writeoff in-jokes. And they're kind of amusing, don't get me wrong, but they're not a story. There's no narrative here. As an unconventionally structured entry, it might've had potential, but the rulebook conceit is played too straight, and without experimentation.
I'm trying to find an angle here, and I got nothing.
What's especially unfortunate is that there could have been something to this story if it had a narrative of some kind. Any kind. It could be just as simple as the Mane Six gathered around the table trying to figure out the rules and structure of the game. Or just a bunch of random human putzes. Or Syeekoh and his eighteen mail-order bridezillas.
But there isn't. The rules, themselves, are the sole focus of the writing.
I'm trying to find an angle here, and I got nothing.
What's especially unfortunate is that there could have been something to this story if it had a narrative of some kind. Any kind. It could be just as simple as the Mane Six gathered around the table trying to figure out the rules and structure of the game. Or just a bunch of random human putzes. Or Syeekoh and his eighteen mail-order bridezillas.
But there isn't. The rules, themselves, are the sole focus of the writing.
Amusing, but not a story. See >>AndrewRogue for some solid critique on the game rules and copywriting. This could go in a few directions to improve, either writing a story around it, or just expanding the rules into a real game. I suggest the latter, and getting people on Discord to play it. Thanks for writing!
Good luck to all finalists! Judging by the podcast, there seems to be scads of top quality entries this round, so this looks like a dead heat for first place!
The Game!
This non-story is a vivid testament to my (permanent?) inability to write any non-trivial pony story anymore. I had decided to skip this round outright, but that zany idea popped in my mind at the very last moment so I finally changed my mind and resolved to give it a go. I don’t regret it because:
1. I wrote something, which is better than zilch;
2. I would’ve been unable to compete against any other stories anyway, the level being so high this round;
3. Most important, it made some of you smile and laugh, which was my only goal.
>>Posh
There was no angle, because there was no story idea at all. It was just a way to coalesce a few show events into the framework of a children's game. For the rest, see just below.
>>Cold in Gardez
Absolutely spot-on. The meta part was a way to pad the rules to reach 2k, which, by the way, it did not without the further bolstering of both - - - ✂ - - - lines. So yeah, in a way that entry should’ve been DQ from the get-go. Happy to know you skimmed over it and didn’t waste much time on it, which it clearly wasn't worth.
>>Xepher
This was written like four hours before the deadline, with half an hour taken away in order to eat. So yeah, I left some typos floating around (“chose” instead of choose, “build” instead of built, “one of the token” with a final s missing, and two or three others here and there). Sorry for that. But I’m pretty interested in knowing what grammar mistakes you found, TBH.
Also, I check with ePub version, and it works perfectly fine with me, so I suppose something is wrong with your parameters. Try choosing another font, maybe?
>>CoffeeMinion
Eh, thanks for liking the Oroboro’s joke!
>>Haze
Haze you’re so right. I could've written a game describing the long way through the School for gifted unicorns, starting at the initial test and ending the same, i.e. you become Celestia’s new precious pupil. But… that didn't spring up into my mind, and frankly in three hours I wouldn't have time to jot it down.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write your thoughts down.
>>AndrewRogue
>>Ranmilia
Agreed. I almost copy/pasted the line which explains how to win, in order to put it before the “Rules” section and create a single line “Goal” section. I hesitated, then was distracted by something else, and forgot to do it. To be 100% honest, I wasn’t really regarding that piece as serious enough to make it look like a true game ruleset. This was
This wanted to be a fool’s game. Sorry, a foals’ game. The rules are intentionally kept basic. They derive from a very famous and common French board game called “Le jeu de l’oie” (Goose game). I’m perfectly open to expanding the rules to make it suitable for an older public. That would be an interesting challenge.
>>Rao
I will ensure some food company installs a pipeline from the goldfish factory directly to your home. :)
>>horizon
What, you didn't comment on my fabulous entry? :P
The Game!
This non-story is a vivid testament to my (permanent?) inability to write any non-trivial pony story anymore. I had decided to skip this round outright, but that zany idea popped in my mind at the very last moment so I finally changed my mind and resolved to give it a go. I don’t regret it because:
1. I wrote something, which is better than zilch;
2. I would’ve been unable to compete against any other stories anyway, the level being so high this round;
3. Most important, it made some of you smile and laugh, which was my only goal.
>>Posh
There was no angle, because there was no story idea at all. It was just a way to coalesce a few show events into the framework of a children's game. For the rest, see just below.
>>Cold in Gardez
Absolutely spot-on. The meta part was a way to pad the rules to reach 2k, which, by the way, it did not without the further bolstering of both - - - ✂ - - - lines. So yeah, in a way that entry should’ve been DQ from the get-go. Happy to know you skimmed over it and didn’t waste much time on it, which it clearly wasn't worth.
>>Xepher
This was written like four hours before the deadline, with half an hour taken away in order to eat. So yeah, I left some typos floating around (“chose” instead of choose, “build” instead of built, “one of the token” with a final s missing, and two or three others here and there). Sorry for that. But I’m pretty interested in knowing what grammar mistakes you found, TBH.
Also, I check with ePub version, and it works perfectly fine with me, so I suppose something is wrong with your parameters. Try choosing another font, maybe?
>>CoffeeMinion
Eh, thanks for liking the Oroboro’s joke!
>>Haze
Haze you’re so right. I could've written a game describing the long way through the School for gifted unicorns, starting at the initial test and ending the same, i.e. you become Celestia’s new precious pupil. But… that didn't spring up into my mind, and frankly in three hours I wouldn't have time to jot it down.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write your thoughts down.
>>AndrewRogue
>>Ranmilia
Agreed. I almost copy/pasted the line which explains how to win, in order to put it before the “Rules” section and create a single line “Goal” section. I hesitated, then was distracted by something else, and forgot to do it. To be 100% honest, I wasn’t really regarding that piece as serious enough to make it look like a true game ruleset. This was
This wanted to be a fool’s game. Sorry, a foals’ game. The rules are intentionally kept basic. They derive from a very famous and common French board game called “Le jeu de l’oie” (Goose game). I’m perfectly open to expanding the rules to make it suitable for an older public. That would be an interesting challenge.
>>Rao
I will ensure some food company installs a pipeline from the goldfish factory directly to your home. :)
>>horizon
What, you didn't comment on my fabulous entry? :P
>>Monokeras
Sure, I can do a quick round-up of some of the technical issues I saw. It's just a sample as I skim over the story again. I'm also skipping pretty much all the punctuation ones, since, as I mentioned, the special symbols just don't work on things. I can see some here in Chrome on my desktop, but most others are still missing
"almost every other surroundings" (every is singular)
"or try to clean them in dishwasher." ("a" or "the" dishwasher)
"foals under three of age" ("age three" or "three years of age")
"the player puts its token on the new square, he must" (he or it, pick a gender)
"all players must get back to the beginning" (go, not get)
"one of the players that currently stand behind you. If there is none..." ("are none" as "players" is plural.
"the Cutie Mark Crusaders have build a strange flying contraption" (built)
"You accept to embark with them" (agree, not accept)
"speak your fears up." (bizzare phrasing, "speak up about your fears")
"you have to deduce 4 from the die roll" (deduct)
Sure, I can do a quick round-up of some of the technical issues I saw. It's just a sample as I skim over the story again. I'm also skipping pretty much all the punctuation ones, since, as I mentioned, the special symbols just don't work on things. I can see some here in Chrome on my desktop, but most others are still missing
"almost every other surroundings" (every is singular)
"or try to clean them in dishwasher." ("a" or "the" dishwasher)
"foals under three of age" ("age three" or "three years of age")
"the player puts its token on the new square, he must" (he or it, pick a gender)
"all players must get back to the beginning" (go, not get)
"one of the players that currently stand behind you. If there is none..." ("are none" as "players" is plural.
"the Cutie Mark Crusaders have build a strange flying contraption" (built)
"You accept to embark with them" (agree, not accept)
"speak your fears up." (bizzare phrasing, "speak up about your fears")
"you have to deduce 4 from the die roll" (deduct)