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Featherquest
“Arrggh.” The cry echoed in the quiet Ponyville morning.
“Hey Twilight, what's up?”
Twilight looked over from where she leaned on her windowsill, her scowl fading at the voice. “Rainbow! I'm so glad you came. I've been trying to finish my studying, but I can't concentrate at all - my wings itch.”
Rainbow flew in with a gust of wind that tossed Twilight’s mane and sent a few feathers drifting to the floor. Circling once she landed with a flourish, before bending down to examine the fallen plumage.
Twilight shifted from hoof to hoof, cheeks heating as she fidgeted her wings. Feathers stuck out at odd angles, matching the frazzled look of her mane. “I've tried to follow all your advice on wing care, but it isn't working.”
“You're doing fine - it's not that,” Rainbow said, shaking her head. “You're molting, Twilight.”
“Molting!” Twilight’s eyes went wide, before she adopted a more calculating look. “It didn't happen last year, so I guess I didn't really think about it.”
“It's usually annual, but last year's molt was right after you got your wings, so your feathers were all brand new.”
Twilight grimaced. “So this happens every year.”
Rainbow laughed. “Yes and no. First molt is the worst. It was bad enough as a filly - I can only imagine what it's like for an adult pony.”
“Ugh.” Twilight slumped before her wings started twitching again, letting loose a few more bits of fluff.
Rainbow stared at her thoughtfully for a few moments, before grinning. “Don't worry, Twilight. I know an old pegasus treatment that I think will help you.”
Twilight perked up, her horn lighting as she turned to her bookshelf. “Really? I haven't studied much pegasus medicine. What era is it from?”
Rainbow shifted from hoof to hoof. “I don't know, and I'm not sure if it's in a book, anyway. Just come with me, and I'll show you.”
Twilight frowned. “Flickerberries? That seems like an odd choice in ingredients. All they do is make you change color.” She glanced at the list hovering beside her, and then back at the softly glowing plant, mostly hidden by a bramble of spines.
Rainbow crossed her hooves. “You don't have to analyze it, Twilight. Like I said, I've got this down.”
“They’re an unusual choice in reagent. There's no harm in taking notes.”
“Whatever,” Rainbow sighed, gesturing them forward.
“And I still don't see why I can't just get some from Zecora.”
Rainbow shook her head. “It won't work unless you get them yourself.”
Twilight frowned. “That’s an unusual stipulation. And you would have foals get something from one of those? They could get hurt!”
“Depends on what’s in season - it’s not always flicker berries. Besides, you’re an unusual case. Now come on!”
“Bogtail root?” The ground squelched with each step, soaking her fetlocks and making her glad she wasn’t wearing horseshoes. “Let me guess, it has to be fresh, too.”
“Afraid so,” Rainbow said, hovering just ahead.
Twilight trudged on, feeling the mud reaching further up her legs with each step.
“The Papermoths have to be caught at night? You can't be serious!”
“Tatzlwurm spit?!?”
The door flew open, and Twilight stomped in, her coat stained and matted while her mane could have easily supplied a birdsnest with twigs. Her saddlebags were bulging, though, and she stopped in the foyer with an air of grim satisfaction and unrolled a scroll with a flourish.
A quill levitated up and made a final check, even as her eyes narrowed at the list. She shook her head. “I may not know as much as Zecora, but I just don't see how this would work!”
“Hey! Are you you doubting our traditions?” Rainbow flew up, nose to nose with her.
Twilight took a step back, her ears flattening. “No! Yes? Maybe. I don't know.”
Rainbow relaxed, a smile creeping onto her muzzle. “Oh? How are your wings feeling, then?”
“How should they feel?” Twilight shook her head. “I haven't even made the potion yet.”
Rainbow grinned. “You didn't answer my question.”
“Fine, I guess,” Twilight started to say, before stopping, an odd look on her face. “They feel just fine,” she continued, blinking a couple times before shaking herself and pointing a quivering hoof at Rainbow. “You kept me so busy these last few days that they molted naturally.”
Rainbow laughed. “Yup!”
Twilight’s frown darkened. “Now we'll have to wait until next year to see how it works!”
Rainbow laughed even harder.
“Hey Twilight, what's up?”
Twilight looked over from where she leaned on her windowsill, her scowl fading at the voice. “Rainbow! I'm so glad you came. I've been trying to finish my studying, but I can't concentrate at all - my wings itch.”
Rainbow flew in with a gust of wind that tossed Twilight’s mane and sent a few feathers drifting to the floor. Circling once she landed with a flourish, before bending down to examine the fallen plumage.
Twilight shifted from hoof to hoof, cheeks heating as she fidgeted her wings. Feathers stuck out at odd angles, matching the frazzled look of her mane. “I've tried to follow all your advice on wing care, but it isn't working.”
“You're doing fine - it's not that,” Rainbow said, shaking her head. “You're molting, Twilight.”
“Molting!” Twilight’s eyes went wide, before she adopted a more calculating look. “It didn't happen last year, so I guess I didn't really think about it.”
“It's usually annual, but last year's molt was right after you got your wings, so your feathers were all brand new.”
Twilight grimaced. “So this happens every year.”
Rainbow laughed. “Yes and no. First molt is the worst. It was bad enough as a filly - I can only imagine what it's like for an adult pony.”
“Ugh.” Twilight slumped before her wings started twitching again, letting loose a few more bits of fluff.
Rainbow stared at her thoughtfully for a few moments, before grinning. “Don't worry, Twilight. I know an old pegasus treatment that I think will help you.”
Twilight perked up, her horn lighting as she turned to her bookshelf. “Really? I haven't studied much pegasus medicine. What era is it from?”
Rainbow shifted from hoof to hoof. “I don't know, and I'm not sure if it's in a book, anyway. Just come with me, and I'll show you.”
Twilight frowned. “Flickerberries? That seems like an odd choice in ingredients. All they do is make you change color.” She glanced at the list hovering beside her, and then back at the softly glowing plant, mostly hidden by a bramble of spines.
Rainbow crossed her hooves. “You don't have to analyze it, Twilight. Like I said, I've got this down.”
“They’re an unusual choice in reagent. There's no harm in taking notes.”
“Whatever,” Rainbow sighed, gesturing them forward.
“And I still don't see why I can't just get some from Zecora.”
Rainbow shook her head. “It won't work unless you get them yourself.”
Twilight frowned. “That’s an unusual stipulation. And you would have foals get something from one of those? They could get hurt!”
“Depends on what’s in season - it’s not always flicker berries. Besides, you’re an unusual case. Now come on!”
“Bogtail root?” The ground squelched with each step, soaking her fetlocks and making her glad she wasn’t wearing horseshoes. “Let me guess, it has to be fresh, too.”
“Afraid so,” Rainbow said, hovering just ahead.
Twilight trudged on, feeling the mud reaching further up her legs with each step.
“The Papermoths have to be caught at night? You can't be serious!”
“Tatzlwurm spit?!?”
The door flew open, and Twilight stomped in, her coat stained and matted while her mane could have easily supplied a birdsnest with twigs. Her saddlebags were bulging, though, and she stopped in the foyer with an air of grim satisfaction and unrolled a scroll with a flourish.
A quill levitated up and made a final check, even as her eyes narrowed at the list. She shook her head. “I may not know as much as Zecora, but I just don't see how this would work!”
“Hey! Are you you doubting our traditions?” Rainbow flew up, nose to nose with her.
Twilight took a step back, her ears flattening. “No! Yes? Maybe. I don't know.”
Rainbow relaxed, a smile creeping onto her muzzle. “Oh? How are your wings feeling, then?”
“How should they feel?” Twilight shook her head. “I haven't even made the potion yet.”
Rainbow grinned. “You didn't answer my question.”
“Fine, I guess,” Twilight started to say, before stopping, an odd look on her face. “They feel just fine,” she continued, blinking a couple times before shaking herself and pointing a quivering hoof at Rainbow. “You kept me so busy these last few days that they molted naturally.”
Rainbow laughed. “Yup!”
Twilight’s frown darkened. “Now we'll have to wait until next year to see how it works!”
Rainbow laughed even harder.
The "wait until next year" bit doesn't quite work logically. I get the joke you're aiming for, but it lands wrong. It needs to be clearer that Twilight doesn't get the whole point was to make her forget, not that it was an actual recipe. Maybe rephrase her line as something more like "Oh no, we took so long getting the ingredients, that my wings already finished molting!"
That last bit aside, this is a pretty decent story. Simple, but knows where it's going and gets there smoothly. Not quite top tier for me I'm afraid, but mostly because the "distraction as cure" trope was too obvious from the start, and I typically prefer to be surprised by stories when possible.
That last bit aside, this is a pretty decent story. Simple, but knows where it's going and gets there smoothly. Not quite top tier for me I'm afraid, but mostly because the "distraction as cure" trope was too obvious from the start, and I typically prefer to be surprised by stories when possible.
Genre: Woo, not a preenfic.
Thoughts: This ended up being rather charming for me. I had a few structural quibbles: there were a few missed commas, and I really wanted to see some [ hr ] breaks, as they would've eased the transitions. But really the only bit that threw me was Rainbow's line (and associated action) about traditions near the end; it feels like an out-of-place moment of aggression sandwiched between her being a helpful and understanding (albeit pranksy) friend. And unfortunately it comes near the end, so there's not much room to steer the mood back on course. The rest of it was good though.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: This ended up being rather charming for me. I had a few structural quibbles: there were a few missed commas, and I really wanted to see some [ hr ] breaks, as they would've eased the transitions. But really the only bit that threw me was Rainbow's line (and associated action) about traditions near the end; it feels like an out-of-place moment of aggression sandwiched between her being a helpful and understanding (albeit pranksy) friend. And unfortunately it comes near the end, so there's not much room to steer the mood back on course. The rest of it was good though.
Tier: Almost There
0/10; Rainbow is a stupid pony and could never fool Bookhorse like this.
Actually, I thought it was cute and endearing, and pretty well in character for both Rainbow and Twilight. It's the quality of the competition that's keeping this from rising higher on my slate atm, but all things are relative in the end.
Actually, I thought it was cute and endearing, and pretty well in character for both Rainbow and Twilight. It's the quality of the competition that's keeping this from rising higher on my slate atm, but all things are relative in the end.
“Rainbow! I'm so glad you came. I've been trying to finish my studying, but I can't concentrate at all - my wings itch.”
Uh oh...
“Don't worry, Twilight. I know an old pegasus treatment that I think will help you.”
Retreat! Retreat!
Oh, never mind. False alarm.
This was pretty cute, and I could totally see it as the premise of an (earlier) episode, if Twilight had possessed wings then. Largely in character, and the humour was gentle and pleasant. Whether you were bothered about avoiding it or not, the plot is fairly predictable once Twilight's quest begins though, and I think the execution could do with a little polish (particularly those absent transitional line breaks).
But this was good. I enjoyed it very much, and expect it to feature in the upper tiers of my ever increasing slate.
Thanks for sharing your work.
“It's usually annual, but last year's molt was right after you got your wings, so your feathers were all brand new.”
Wait, right after? Doesn't that mean her feathers would have molted immediately, if it's always the same time?
“It was bad enough as a filly - I can only imagine what it's like for an adult pony.”
Stories about going through much-later-than-standard development tend to catch my eye, and this made me smile.
The implication of Twilight not realizing immediately what trick Rainbow's played because she's too obsessed with the methodical formulation worked for me, but I also feel like she might've caught on earlier. (But then, she was physically distracted!) Characterization overall pretty good. I like it.
My comment won't be very different from the others. This was good, simple and cute. I've seen the resolution coming from miles away but it didn't really harm the pleasure I had reading this, because the characterization is very good and the dialogs flow naturally.
I agree with the little nitpicks raised by others but the story will still be ranked pretty high.
Good job and thank you for this, this was very pleasant to read.
I agree with the little nitpicks raised by others but the story will still be ranked pretty high.
Good job and thank you for this, this was very pleasant to read.
>>CoffeeMinion
...there's an entire name for that kind of stories? The things you learn...
Anyway, I admit that I never saw this punchline coming. It felt like a nice, warm story, good for a chuckle.
...there's an entire name for that kind of stories? The things you learn...
Anyway, I admit that I never saw this punchline coming. It felt like a nice, warm story, good for a chuckle.
>>JudgeDeadd
Uhh, y'know, that's what a friend told me anyway. :-P
(No actually I'm pretty sure it's a thing, God help us)
Uhh, y'know, that's what a friend told me anyway. :-P
(No actually I'm pretty sure it's a thing, God help us)
Man, I was expecting this to be a preening story, and then it wasn't. I was amused by the ending, though; Twilight being oblivious to the actual purpose was amusing, as is the idea of her totally not getting what was going on.
>>JudgeDeadd
>>CoffeeMinion
I mean, of all the things that the fandom has produced, preenfics are pretty innocent.
>>JudgeDeadd
>>CoffeeMinion
I mean, of all the things that the fandom has produced, preenfics are pretty innocent.
I have no intention of saying anything here that hasn't already been said, other than that I generally liked it. On that note...
You've earned my annoyance with the very first word. For starters, I can't stand people spelling out these sound effects. They look dumb and achieve less than what the reader can with their own imagination. It would be different if Twilight were intentionally sounding out the noise, as in sarcasm or whatnot, but to spell out her 'cry' is just not good reading. To add to the problem, you're describing this as a 'cry', which can generally be considered an exclamation of at least above-average volume and force, something backed up by the following descriptor that suggests the sound is heard all throughout Ponyville. So where's the exclamation mark?
Sorry if it seems nitpicky. The rest of the story was fine. Great, even! It deserves to be in the finals. But that first impression was a slap in the face I couldn't ignore.
“Arrggh.” The cry echoed in the quiet Ponyville morning.
You've earned my annoyance with the very first word. For starters, I can't stand people spelling out these sound effects. They look dumb and achieve less than what the reader can with their own imagination. It would be different if Twilight were intentionally sounding out the noise, as in sarcasm or whatnot, but to spell out her 'cry' is just not good reading. To add to the problem, you're describing this as a 'cry', which can generally be considered an exclamation of at least above-average volume and force, something backed up by the following descriptor that suggests the sound is heard all throughout Ponyville. So where's the exclamation mark?
Sorry if it seems nitpicky. The rest of the story was fine. Great, even! It deserves to be in the finals. But that first impression was a slap in the face I couldn't ignore.
I don't think I have much else to say on this that hasn't been said by others. It's a good, simple read and a fun story idea that follows the prompt. My only big suggestion is that you'll want to provide more description in the middle parts of Twilight's 'scavenger hunt'. There's also the possibility that, at the end, Rainbow has to leave Twilight alone long enough for the latter to actually mix and drink down the resultant formula (with Celestia-only-knows what side-effects... :).
Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for sharing!
Yeah, the penultimate joke is somewhat predictable but good job piling on another one which wasn't.
You like "flourish" eh? (Twice in the fic.)
Maybe you could've redacted the middle somewhat.
Otherwise it's a good idea, fairly aptly written and pleasant to read. Will go quite high in my slate.
You like "flourish" eh? (Twice in the fic.)
Maybe you could've redacted the middle somewhat.
Otherwise it's a good idea, fairly aptly written and pleasant to read. Will go quite high in my slate.
Same as everyone else is saying. Very simple, called the end immediately, beginning made me think it was going to be furry porn.
I really liked the delivery and pacing in the fetchquest section, very good work there! The beginning and end could've been trimmed some, this is probably better around 500-600 than pushing the upper limit, but it doesn't bother me too much.
Uh... yeah, really not a lot else to say. Similar to a couple others this round, this piece fulfills what it aims for without major mistakes, but aims a bit low. The execution's a bright point here, enough to put it at the top of that pile, though it's not quite cracking my top tier. Thanks for writing, though! Definitely have confidence in yourself, I wish every entry was at least this good!
I really liked the delivery and pacing in the fetchquest section, very good work there! The beginning and end could've been trimmed some, this is probably better around 500-600 than pushing the upper limit, but it doesn't bother me too much.
Uh... yeah, really not a lot else to say. Similar to a couple others this round, this piece fulfills what it aims for without major mistakes, but aims a bit low. The execution's a bright point here, enough to put it at the top of that pile, though it's not quite cracking my top tier. Thanks for writing, though! Definitely have confidence in yourself, I wish every entry was at least this good!
Featherquest
First of all, congratulations to Ceffyl_Dwr, Chris, and GroaningGreyAgony. I'm also amused to see that I got the mortarboard this time.
As for my own little tale, I owe a debt of gratitude to >>Xepher, >>CoffeeMinion, >>Posh, >>Ceffyl_Dwr, >>Light_Striker, >>Fenton, >>TitaniumDragon, >>PaulAsaran, >>eusocialdragon, >>Monokeras, >>Ranmilia, and >>JudgeDeadd for your thoughtful feedback. That's the heart and soul of the writeoffs for me, so every post is greatly appreciated. Although there were some common elements, most critiques managed to have their own useful insights. Some were points I was aware of, but many offered perspectives I hadn't considered.
To cover the main point of feedback, though, as much as I would have liked to have a less predictable plot, despite racking my brain and coming up with half a dozen angles on interpreting the prompt, none of them wanted to gel into an actual story. Faced with a recalcitrant muse, I went with the uninspiring idea that I at least had some idea of a narrative for.
Funnily enough, I don't particularly mind preenfic, and though I've read some, I've never thought of them as a thing per-say. It's just that preening wouldn't have fit the prompt.
Regardless, I'm glad that the craftsmanship seems to have generally worked for readers, and gratified that the humor landed with at least a few. Despite being predictable and having portions in need of a tuneup, I am still pleased with how it turned out.
Thanks again everyone, and see you next round!