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Self-Refraction
As the party falls away in the mirror,
pouring rain ahead makes my mind wander.
No amount of reflection makes it clearer:
the events I begin to ponder.
Recollection of words, stories and cheer
fall prey to the twisted mirror within,
melted glass and jagged spear
turn reflection to refraction, to my chagrin.
Unuttered words, mistakes,
and faux pas blown out of proportion
to consequences beyond their stakes
and force my stomach to contortion.
How am I to break this rhythm?
Every past action refracted to dread,
every word echoed to force schism,
as a voice taunts me from my head.
“They celebrate the void you leave behind,”
say words dripping with spite,
but then why would they be inclined
to accept me? Against myself I fight.
For every time I push the voice back
it finds a new avenue,
a new vector of attack
to strike insecurities anew.
Hands grip the wheel, tears cloud my view,
calming breaths seek to calm my nerves.
This tainted prism, I wish I could break through
and exhaust its reserves.
Barbs, twisted words, imagined slights
it brings to bear,
but always I strive to unveil with lights
and force its grim refraction into glare.
By night and dreams it lies shattered
and moods have been renewed.
Its fragments shattered
til it will next intrude.
pouring rain ahead makes my mind wander.
No amount of reflection makes it clearer:
the events I begin to ponder.
Recollection of words, stories and cheer
fall prey to the twisted mirror within,
melted glass and jagged spear
turn reflection to refraction, to my chagrin.
Unuttered words, mistakes,
and faux pas blown out of proportion
to consequences beyond their stakes
and force my stomach to contortion.
How am I to break this rhythm?
Every past action refracted to dread,
every word echoed to force schism,
as a voice taunts me from my head.
“They celebrate the void you leave behind,”
say words dripping with spite,
but then why would they be inclined
to accept me? Against myself I fight.
For every time I push the voice back
it finds a new avenue,
a new vector of attack
to strike insecurities anew.
Hands grip the wheel, tears cloud my view,
calming breaths seek to calm my nerves.
This tainted prism, I wish I could break through
and exhaust its reserves.
Barbs, twisted words, imagined slights
it brings to bear,
but always I strive to unveil with lights
and force its grim refraction into glare.
By night and dreams it lies shattered
and moods have been renewed.
Its fragments shattered
til it will next intrude.
It looks like the only structure intended here is the rhyme scheme.
I'm getting a struggle against self-doubt here, and a pretty severe case of it, perhaps even bordering on suicidal thoughts. That will speak to enough people. I'm of two minds about how it plays out though.
On the one hand, it feels like a really passive thing. The narrator isn't struggling against it at all, just complaining about what he has to endure. That does create a sense of helplessness, but it also means there isn't a moment of triumph when this instance of it subsides.
So on the other, it doesn't feel like there's that much of a struggle going on, that this person is trying to do anything about it. That tends to make things feel less active.
But in the end, it'll probably come down to how close this is to the reader's own experience.
I'm getting a struggle against self-doubt here, and a pretty severe case of it, perhaps even bordering on suicidal thoughts. That will speak to enough people. I'm of two minds about how it plays out though.
On the one hand, it feels like a really passive thing. The narrator isn't struggling against it at all, just complaining about what he has to endure. That does create a sense of helplessness, but it also means there isn't a moment of triumph when this instance of it subsides.
So on the other, it doesn't feel like there's that much of a struggle going on, that this person is trying to do anything about it. That tends to make things feel less active.
But in the end, it'll probably come down to how close this is to the reader's own experience.
My suggestion:
Would be to regularize the meter for the first couple stanzas, then have it start staggering and stumbling as Our Narrator's thoughts get more jagged and unhappy before smoothing it out again at the end.
Mike
Would be to regularize the meter for the first couple stanzas, then have it start staggering and stumbling as Our Narrator's thoughts get more jagged and unhappy before smoothing it out again at the end.
Mike
This one definitely has a rawness to the tone that I can appreciate.
But overall, I kind of get mixed feelings about poems that try to describe emotions and thoughts mostly directly. I personally think poetry as a medium is much better suited at speaking in terms of imagery and metaphors to describe complicated feelings, so to me the direct approach that you've decided on feels a little blunt.
I'm also a little confused at the overall payoff. I feel like the poem never really elaborates on or expands upon the concepts that it introduces in, say, the first 2-3 stanzas. Everything else, while it presents new information, feels kind of like a reiteration of the same tone/mood. I personally have trouble with getting a sense of development or completion out of this one. I like >>Baal Bunny's suggestion regarding using the meter/format to reflect the narrator's developing emotions, but I think there are many ways you can choose to address this area.
Thank you for entering!
But overall, I kind of get mixed feelings about poems that try to describe emotions and thoughts mostly directly. I personally think poetry as a medium is much better suited at speaking in terms of imagery and metaphors to describe complicated feelings, so to me the direct approach that you've decided on feels a little blunt.
I'm also a little confused at the overall payoff. I feel like the poem never really elaborates on or expands upon the concepts that it introduces in, say, the first 2-3 stanzas. Everything else, while it presents new information, feels kind of like a reiteration of the same tone/mood. I personally have trouble with getting a sense of development or completion out of this one. I like >>Baal Bunny's suggestion regarding using the meter/format to reflect the narrator's developing emotions, but I think there are many ways you can choose to address this area.
Thank you for entering!
Well, this is me. Definitely strikes the strongest chord. As >>Bachiavellian implied, a little more show might help.
I'd like it more if the words didn't rhyme. I don't think you need that structure here.
I'd like it more if the words didn't rhyme. I don't think you need that structure here.