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Long Distance Beauty Calling or Something Like That
“It was probably inevitable,” said Twilight Sparkle.
“I’m not quite following,” said Princess Twilight Sparkle. She pointed with her scepter at the surroundings of the crystal castle and gave out a huff of breath. “If I had any idea this was going to happen when I cast my spell, I never would have done it.”
“Me either,” murmured Twilight.
“It’s only obvious in hindsight,” said Twilight Sparkle, adjusting her glasses and pulling a book from the surrounding shelves. “Starswirl’s Laws of Convergent Dimensions—”
“Fourth law or fifth law?” asked Twilight.
“Fifth,” said Twilight Sparkle. “As clarified in his Thaumetic Dictat, Seventh Printing—”
“Ooo, we only have up to the sixth printing,” said Twilight. “Remind me to get with you after this is over and compare notes.”
“Twilight!” chided Twilight. “Focus. Go ahead, Twilight.”
“Thank you,” said Twilight Sparkle. “In summary, all covalent dimensions share certain traits with their paired dimensions in an n-orthogonal fashion, so given a Twilight Sparkle of standard specifications within those covalent dimensions, there are synchronized aspects of our personality and physical forms that maintain an equivalence across all of us.”
“With some minor variances,” said Twilight, looking at Princess Twilight Sparkle’s wings, or at least the princess closest to her.
“True again,” said Twilight Sparkle, flipping through the book she was holding in her magic.
“Obviously our series converges,” stated a Twilight, “or the end result would have been an infinite influx of dimensional teleportation spells that would have destroyed the universe, rippling back down the multiverse and dooming all life in existence.”
“I can see how that would be bad,” said Twilight Sparkle. “Thankfully, we all worked out the math ahead of time, although it appears we all made the same mistake in our calculations.”
“Not exactly a mistake, more of a preconceived experimental bias,” said Twilight Sparkle. “As I suspected, despite obvious differences, this dimension’s Twilight Sparkle has exactly the same problem all of us had. See, right here.”
She held her hoof under a line in the diary.
Date: #214. Summary: Failure. Again. It’s like there’s no pony anywhere around here who is a perfect match for me.
“Hey, that’s personal,” said Twilight Sparkle, who managed to grab onto his diary and wretch it away from the dozen or so Twilight Sparkles who were reading it. “Besides, I didn’t go anywhere. You all came here. So what were all of you…”
Prince Twilight Sparkle backed up a step, holding the diary to his chest as all of the other Twilight’s in the room took a step forward in his direction.
“I’ll be down the hall if you need me,” said Spike, hopping to his feet and making good speed through the doorway. “Don’t need me,” trailed out behind him.
“I’m not quite following,” said Princess Twilight Sparkle. She pointed with her scepter at the surroundings of the crystal castle and gave out a huff of breath. “If I had any idea this was going to happen when I cast my spell, I never would have done it.”
“Me either,” murmured Twilight.
“It’s only obvious in hindsight,” said Twilight Sparkle, adjusting her glasses and pulling a book from the surrounding shelves. “Starswirl’s Laws of Convergent Dimensions—”
“Fourth law or fifth law?” asked Twilight.
“Fifth,” said Twilight Sparkle. “As clarified in his Thaumetic Dictat, Seventh Printing—”
“Ooo, we only have up to the sixth printing,” said Twilight. “Remind me to get with you after this is over and compare notes.”
“Twilight!” chided Twilight. “Focus. Go ahead, Twilight.”
“Thank you,” said Twilight Sparkle. “In summary, all covalent dimensions share certain traits with their paired dimensions in an n-orthogonal fashion, so given a Twilight Sparkle of standard specifications within those covalent dimensions, there are synchronized aspects of our personality and physical forms that maintain an equivalence across all of us.”
“With some minor variances,” said Twilight, looking at Princess Twilight Sparkle’s wings, or at least the princess closest to her.
“True again,” said Twilight Sparkle, flipping through the book she was holding in her magic.
“Obviously our series converges,” stated a Twilight, “or the end result would have been an infinite influx of dimensional teleportation spells that would have destroyed the universe, rippling back down the multiverse and dooming all life in existence.”
“I can see how that would be bad,” said Twilight Sparkle. “Thankfully, we all worked out the math ahead of time, although it appears we all made the same mistake in our calculations.”
“Not exactly a mistake, more of a preconceived experimental bias,” said Twilight Sparkle. “As I suspected, despite obvious differences, this dimension’s Twilight Sparkle has exactly the same problem all of us had. See, right here.”
She held her hoof under a line in the diary.
Date: #214. Summary: Failure. Again. It’s like there’s no pony anywhere around here who is a perfect match for me.
“Hey, that’s personal,” said Twilight Sparkle, who managed to grab onto his diary and wretch it away from the dozen or so Twilight Sparkles who were reading it. “Besides, I didn’t go anywhere. You all came here. So what were all of you…”
Prince Twilight Sparkle backed up a step, holding the diary to his chest as all of the other Twilight’s in the room took a step forward in his direction.
“I’ll be down the hall if you need me,” said Spike, hopping to his feet and making good speed through the doorway. “Don’t need me,” trailed out behind him.
Pics
I love and have always loved this particular kind of characterisation for Twilight - the not-quite-mad-but-getting-there scientist, with three or four reference sections in her head and a remarkable ability to roll with any kind of bullshit life throws at her by aggressively making it her bullshit, and thus someone else's problem.
And this reads like a day in the life of her. This is very much a good thing.
And this reads like a day in the life of her. This is very much a good thing.
This entry hasn't done a whole lot for me, I'm sorry to say, and it mostly has to do with not being able to put myself into the scene. There aren't a lot of scene descriptions, or descriptions of what the different Twilights look like compared to each other, so even though there are character actions scattered here and there, I get the same feeling I do when I read talking heads. And I think the saidisms have gotten away from you a bit, too.
I think the comedy here might be relying a little too much on reminding us that the premise is very silly, instead of grabbing that premise and running with it, creating chaos and absurdity at every turn. The first place you seem to move on from the premise is at the end, where it's implied that... they're all going to have sex with each other? I suppose that one's not my humour.
Good ending line, though. It is very Spike. The only problem is that I'd rather follow him than stick around with the Twilights.
Also, your title. Dynamite pun right at the start, I love it. But the "or Something Like That" dangles a little. I withheld judgment until I was finished to see if anything in the story supports it, but it doesn't look like it to me. I recommend a little snippy-do.
Thanks for writing! Good luck to ya.
I think the comedy here might be relying a little too much on reminding us that the premise is very silly, instead of grabbing that premise and running with it, creating chaos and absurdity at every turn. The first place you seem to move on from the premise is at the end, where it's implied that... they're all going to have sex with each other? I suppose that one's not my humour.
Good ending line, though. It is very Spike. The only problem is that I'd rather follow him than stick around with the Twilights.
Also, your title. Dynamite pun right at the start, I love it. But the "or Something Like That" dangles a little. I withheld judgment until I was finished to see if anything in the story supports it, but it doesn't look like it to me. I recommend a little snippy-do.
Thanks for writing! Good luck to ya.
Also known as: This Sparkle Won't Last Forever (sorry)
Running impressions:
Hmm, does Princess Twilight Sparkle usually point with a scepter? The main canon one didn't like the Twilicane much. The first two paragraphs definitely left me thinking it was EqG Twilight and Humanized Pony Twilight until I got further in. If that was an intentional feint, it worked! If not, maybe don't use those two names first.
Something feels odd about one Twilight only referring to the Laws as a whole. I don't think any Twilight would make a slightly less precise reference when she has the more precise one to hoof and it's not much less succinct. You could cut straight to “as clarified in”.
Are you sure you mean “printing” rather than “edition”? The sixth and seventh printings of a book would on the face of it have identical text, unless that's a usage I'm not familiar with.
The pseudo-mathspeak isn't doing it for me, sorry. I bet it'd work with some tweaks, but this is probably a niche complaint.
The pronoun switch is a little too subtle an introduction to the joke; it just looked like a mistake at first. More foreshadowing of it or just more explicit presentation would be nice.
I do love the writing style at the climax. I can just feel the fourth horseshoe dropping. The only awkward bit is “good speed”, which makes sense but was a minor speed bump for me.
The title falls flat for me. The pun might stand without the waffling, except it's not clear what the “beauty” part is, so it doesn't seem to have any relevance. The prompt connection also falls flat for me.
Overall: It's a one-note joke: competently executed, but the underlying material is kind of thin. The characterization is similar: accurate but shallow. It's all dialogue, which seems like a missed opportunity: some of the dialogue could easily be cut for more scene description or more backstory or something. Slate: 9th of 13.
Running impressions:
Hmm, does Princess Twilight Sparkle usually point with a scepter? The main canon one didn't like the Twilicane much. The first two paragraphs definitely left me thinking it was EqG Twilight and Humanized Pony Twilight until I got further in. If that was an intentional feint, it worked! If not, maybe don't use those two names first.
Something feels odd about one Twilight only referring to the Laws as a whole. I don't think any Twilight would make a slightly less precise reference when she has the more precise one to hoof and it's not much less succinct. You could cut straight to “as clarified in”.
Are you sure you mean “printing” rather than “edition”? The sixth and seventh printings of a book would on the face of it have identical text, unless that's a usage I'm not familiar with.
The pseudo-mathspeak isn't doing it for me, sorry. I bet it'd work with some tweaks, but this is probably a niche complaint.
The pronoun switch is a little too subtle an introduction to the joke; it just looked like a mistake at first. More foreshadowing of it or just more explicit presentation would be nice.
I do love the writing style at the climax. I can just feel the fourth horseshoe dropping. The only awkward bit is “good speed”, which makes sense but was a minor speed bump for me.
The title falls flat for me. The pun might stand without the waffling, except it's not clear what the “beauty” part is, so it doesn't seem to have any relevance. The prompt connection also falls flat for me.
Overall: It's a one-note joke: competently executed, but the underlying material is kind of thin. The characterization is similar: accurate but shallow. It's all dialogue, which seems like a missed opportunity: some of the dialogue could easily be cut for more scene description or more backstory or something. Slate: 9th of 13.
Shades of "Twilight, Sparkle," and "Crisis on Infinite Twilights," here, but lacking the same sense of narrative cohesion. It's a good premise, if a bit overdone, but this isn't a story based on the premise. It's just the premise.
I think the only narrative action in here is Spike booking it out of the story, and taking the reader with it. Which actually might be funny if the author slams the reader firmly into Spike's POV from the get-go.
But right now... no, I'm sorry, I don't think this is working as a story, author.
I think the only narrative action in here is Spike booking it out of the story, and taking the reader with it. Which actually might be funny if the author slams the reader firmly into Spike's POV from the get-go.
But right now... no, I'm sorry, I don't think this is working as a story, author.
I might not be in this round, but >>Posh-Chan pulled review-aggro from me with the mention of Crisis on Infinite Twilights, so here we go. Yatta!
Genre: Multiversal Tinder
Thoughts: I was amused by the story’s core premise and final revelation. Granted, I’m a bit biased in favor of multiple-Twilight shenanigans anyway. But juggling multiple characters who are essentially the same isn’t easy, and I think this did a good job of keeping things readable and comprehensible throughout. It certainly doesn’t put much in the way of one’s ability to enjoy said shenanigans if one’s so inclined.
I do think the ending would benefit from a bit more resolution, though. The sudden cut to Spike at once both does and doesn’t wrap things up. Yes, some sort of impending mult-Twilight horseshoe-knocking is pretty clearly implied, but I don’t feel like that’s intrinsically satisfying given the otherwise high-concept pursuit of better living throughSCIENCE! magic that the Twilights have engaged in. This might be personal bias again, but IMO it’d be much funnier to have the female Twilights descend into pseudo-intellectual arguments about how they’re going to share (or not) the object of their various pursuits, rather than stepping towards him with an unspoken “GET ‘IM!” And then there’s the matter of Spike himself pulling our focus away from the conflict that’s brewing right at the moment where it seems ready to start boiling over. I totally get running out of words in a Minific contest, assuming that the Spike-cut was a way of managing that—God knows I’ve had to face that word count struggle umpteen times myself. But it’s still kind of a bummer when it feels like there’s more to a story’s premise and potential that’s just being left on the shelf.
Nevertheless, I feel this does what it does pretty well and it’s bound to clean up well for FimFiction. Though if I could chide the Twilights a bit: who can find a perfect mate? Even “long-term reasonably happy and satisfied” isn’t perfect.
Tier: Almost There
Genre: Multiversal Tinder
Thoughts: I was amused by the story’s core premise and final revelation. Granted, I’m a bit biased in favor of multiple-Twilight shenanigans anyway. But juggling multiple characters who are essentially the same isn’t easy, and I think this did a good job of keeping things readable and comprehensible throughout. It certainly doesn’t put much in the way of one’s ability to enjoy said shenanigans if one’s so inclined.
I do think the ending would benefit from a bit more resolution, though. The sudden cut to Spike at once both does and doesn’t wrap things up. Yes, some sort of impending mult-Twilight horseshoe-knocking is pretty clearly implied, but I don’t feel like that’s intrinsically satisfying given the otherwise high-concept pursuit of better living through
Nevertheless, I feel this does what it does pretty well and it’s bound to clean up well for FimFiction. Though if I could chide the Twilights a bit: who can find a perfect mate? Even “long-term reasonably happy and satisfied” isn’t perfect.
Tier: Almost There
A fun creative story with a satisfying twist that you lead the reader carefully to such that it is both unexpected and totally perfectly foreshadowed.
This story misses greatness, however, for one big obvious reason: It really needed some good system for enumerating* and distinguishing the various Twilight Sparkles, something Twilight Sparkle the character ought to have wanted to do immediately. Instead, you have the age-old writer's plague of multiple characters of the same gender and having to reuse the gendered pronoun, in this case "she" for multiple distinct characters, without the luxury of being able to use their name or title or distinguishing physical attribute as a stand-in. Equestria Girls fiction handles this with Sci-Twi. You do have at least one alicorn and many unicorns. They need classification. A rewrite with classification, perhaps having the last Twilight Sparkle (no spoilers) just being Twilight, expanded to 1000 characters and published on FimFiction would been a real hoot. I'll be expecting it.
*at first I thought there were two. I didn't get at least half-way through that there were many many more.
This story misses greatness, however, for one big obvious reason: It really needed some good system for enumerating* and distinguishing the various Twilight Sparkles, something Twilight Sparkle the character ought to have wanted to do immediately. Instead, you have the age-old writer's plague of multiple characters of the same gender and having to reuse the gendered pronoun, in this case "she" for multiple distinct characters, without the luxury of being able to use their name or title or distinguishing physical attribute as a stand-in. Equestria Girls fiction handles this with Sci-Twi. You do have at least one alicorn and many unicorns. They need classification. A rewrite with classification, perhaps having the last Twilight Sparkle (no spoilers) just being Twilight, expanded to 1000 characters and published on FimFiction would been a real hoot. I'll be expecting it.
*at first I thought there were two. I didn't get at least half-way through that there were many many more.