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Under the Sun · FiM Short Story ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 2000–8000
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Unexpected Hazards of Interdimensional Transit
Everything was going according to plan and Amethyst Star couldn’t be happier.

With a contented sigh, she leaned back against the base of the Wondercolts Statue and held her precious wedding planning binder to her chest. The shadow of the rearing statue stretched all the way to the front doors of Canterlot High. Above her, the sky was slowly being swept away in gradients of red and gold, courtesy of the falling sun. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky and the forecasts called for sunny skies all the way up to the wedding!

She let out a little squeal and jumped up and down. Even if her friends had been there, she wouldn’t have cared. This was it! The moment she’d been waiting for! She’d spent the last month stressing and freaking out more than the bride had making sure everything was just so. And in three days, Cranky and Matilda would finally be getting married! She’d done it!

“No! Professionalism!” Amethyst forced herself to calm down. “Need to stay professional! This is just the beginning. Need to see it through to the end!”

She still didn’t stop bouncing for another minute or so.

She leaned against the base again, though her heart was still pounding. Then, she opened her binder. It was several pounds of notes, scraps, comments, documents, waivers and a half-dozen other things. It was her pride and joy. Her ticket to her future career. Managing to keep her squees to a minimum, she flipped to the page with the diagram of the Canterlot High School courtyard.

Let’s see… we’ve got the new hedges lining the walk between the roundabout and the statue where the bride and groom would take their vows. Already checked the lighting on those, blue and white, just like the rest of Matilda’s theme.

She clicked her favorite pen open and Amethyst checked off the box, adding a little flourish at the end.

Tents are already up for the guests to keep the sun off of them… chairs are scheduled to be set up tomorrow evening. Poles for the paper lanterns all set up…

Most of the day’s work had been spent preparing the gym to hold the reception. Part of Amethyst thought it was silly the two were having their wedding here, but since this is where Matilda found Cranky after like… twenty years… she guessed it had enough sentimental value to work. Anyway, it wasn’t her place to criticize their decision. Her job as their wedding planner was to make their dreams come true!

Another squeal escaped from the girl.

“And I’m going to do it!”

She let out another enormous sigh, slapped her binder closed and just slumped against the statue. She didn’t have anything to worry about. Everything had been planned for. As long as Sunset Shimmer and those crazy girls didn’t have to do battle with some unholy force of dark magic in front of the school—again—everything should be just fine.

Anyway, it was Spring Break. What sort of crazy things could possibly—

The ground shivered beneath her feet. Amethyst froze.

“No,” she whispered. “I didn’t actually finish the thought! It doesn’t count!”

The shivering didn’t seem to care. In fact, it increased. The air buzzed with energy. Something familiar… something she’d felt before back during…

Oh come on!” Amethyst shouted to the universe. “Give me a break!”

An odd noise came from directly behind her. She staggered away from the statue, clutching her binder. The stone of the statue seemed to be twisting… and suddenly there was a brilliant white flash. The last thing she saw was something flying out of the stone.

No!” Amethyst shrieked. “No magical shenanigans!”

Blinded, she swung her binder at the thing. She felt the heavy binder connect with something that instantly let out a grunt of pain. A few seconds later, there was a thump and a muttered “Owww…”

Amethyst heart raced as she backpedaled and desperately tried to clear her vision.

It took far too long, but when the stars began to fade, the statue was exactly as it had been before. In fact, there was only one difference.

There was groaning girl slumped against it. A girl with… long red and gold hair.

Sunset Shimmer swayed back and forth a little, her teal eyes focusing on a shell-shocked Amethyst for a second.

“What the buck?” she asked.

Her eyes rolled up into the back of her head and she fell over.

“This wasn’t on the list!” Amethyst squeaked.

Amethyst stared at the unconscious body of Sunset Shimmer, currently nestled deep with Amethyst’s own four-poster bed.

I knocked out Sunset Shimmer. Amethyst’s stomach was filled with ice. I knocked out someone who’s saved the world! I knocked out one of seven girls here who can use freakin’ magic! I knocked out a girl who’s supposed to be some hotshot magical talking unicorn from another dimension!

Amethyst forced herself to stop. Well, that last one depends how trustworthy Flash is when he’s drunk. But still! I knocked out Sunset Shimmer, the most gorgeous girl at Canterlot High!

Only then did Amethyst realize that maybe putting Sunset in her bed instead of the couch might not have been her best decision.

She’s only in my bed because I needed to be sure she was okay. She’s only in my bed because I needed to be sure she was okay. She’s only in my bed—

“Ugh… where am I?”

Amethyst let out a squeak of surprise and jumped back into one of her coat racks. Even as coats tumbled on top of her, she managed to keep a tight grip on her binder.


She let go of her binder—reluctantly—and managed to excavate herself from the pile of clothing. She managed to ignore the pang from her back from hauling Sunset up the stairs.

Sunset sat up in Amethyst Star’s bed, rubbing her head and looking thoroughly confused. She wore her usual teal blouse and skirt with the jeans that were far too form-fitting to be even remotely respectable. Plus the boots.

I wish I could pull off boots like that.

“Uh… sorry… but, where am I?” Sunset said, wincing as she touched the bruise Amethyst had left on her jaw by way of her binder.

“My bedroom,” Amethyst answered honestly.

Sunset stared at her. Amethyst stared back.

“Wow…” Sunset swayed a little back and forth. “I’m going to strangle Pinkie. I told her that many shots was a bad idea, especially right before going back through the portal. Still… it’s been a while since I’ve just woken up in someone else’s bed with no memory of what happened.”

Amethyst went scarlet. She tried to respond, but only tiny little squeaks emerged.

This is the girl who turned into an angel during that mess with Crystal Prep!

And. She’s. In. My. Bed.

Amethyst opened her mouth. Nothing came out. Some part of her mind threw up her hands and stormed off.

“Listen, I’m not saying you’re not cute or anything…” Sunset smirked, though she still looked a little wobbly. “But when I end up in someone else’s bed, I like to know how. And with who.

“I’m… I’m Amethyst Star,” she squeaked.

Sunset seemed to process that information for a bit. “Oh right! The organizer! You’re always doing all the behind-the-scenes stuff for fundraisers and dances, right?”

“You know who I am?” Amethyst gaped at her.

“Well…” Sunset flushed. “I kinda know who everyone is… mostly because of… past misdeeds.”

“Oh.” A few unpleasant memories surfaced, but Amethyst pushed them back down. “That’s okay! You’ve totally changed now and everything, right?”

“I like to think so,” Sunset shrugged. “Now… would you mind telling me if I was at least any goo—”

“Nothing happened!” Amethyst stood up so suddenly several coats soared across the room… including one directly at Sunset’s face.

“Sorry,” Amethyst winced, but Sunset was already laughing.

“Wow. I didn’t realize I was that bad—”

“No! I mean, we didn’t do… nothing happened! I would never take advantage of someone like that!”

“Oh?” Sunset pouted a little. “You weren’t just a little tempted?”

Something inside of Amethyst’s head went ‘boing.’

Sunset burst into laughter so hard she was clutching her sides. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m just kidding. Jeez! Loosen up, Amy. Look, would you mind telling me why I feel like I was just decked by a minotaur, at least? Last thing I remember was seeing the word ’Cranky’ come right for my face.”

Amethyst winced and used her foot to shove her wedding binder away.

“I… um… I may have accidentally knocked you out with my wedding binder when you… appeared.”

“Really.” Sunset snorted. “You took me down with a wedding binder?

Sunset’s eyes dropped to Amethyst’s foot. The binder hadn’t gone far.

“Wow.” Sunset sounded impressed. “Okay, that’s more like getting backhanded by the omnibus edition of ‘Astronomical Astronomer's Almanac to All Things Astronomy.’ Damn, girl.”

“I didn’t mean to!” Amethyst cried as she approached the bed cautiously. “I swear! I just… I just panicked! I didn’t know you were using your freaky magic powers to walk out of freaking statues!”

“Look, it’s fine.” Sunset snickered and rubbed her jaw again. “It’s not the worst hit I’ve taken. Though I’m guessing you brought me here instead of taking me to a hospital because…”

Amethyst hesitated for a second before blurting it all out in two enormous breaths. “At Flash’s birthday party after Camp Everfree, he told me that you and that other Twilight were actually magical ponies from another dimension. Okay, yeah, he was three sheets to the wind at the time.” She took another giant lungful of air. “But if he was actually right—and considering all the freaky magic stuff that’s happened in the last year or so, I think he might be—I didn’t think it was a good idea to take a transformed magical unicorn to a public hospital.”

“Well, then.” Sunset paused to consider her. “That was a pretty good call. Thanks. Owe you one.”

“You mean… he was telling the truth?”

“Pretty much,” Sunset shrugged. “I thought everyone knew by now. No big deal.”

“No big deal?” Amethyst cried. “But… but…”

“Look, I appreciate you tucking me in all nice and snug after laying me out, but I should probably be heading back home. You probably don’t want to explain to your parents why a strange girl is lying in your bed.”

“They’re out of town for the week.”

Sunset raised an eyebrow.

“That… doesn’t mean… um…”

“Anyone ever tell you that you’re cute when you’re flustered?” She snickered again as Amethyst felt her entire face light up like the sun. “Anyway, thanks for the assist, but I should get out of your hair.”

The other girl swung her legs out over the bed and tried to stand. This proved to be a mistake. Sunset went crosseyed and swayed precariously. Amethyst jumped forward to catch her, but Sunset was a bit bigger than her. After about three seconds of wobbling, they tumbled back onto the bed.

With Sunset on top. About three inches away from Amethyst’s face. Plus there was the whole bodies mashing together thing.

Something else in Amethyst’s brain went ‘boing.’ Once again, she found herself completely unable to speak and blushing furiously.

“You know, I don’t usually mind when cute girls throw themselves at me,” Sunset said from just a few inches away. She smelled like cinnamon and roses. “Though I prefer some warning if they’re going to do it literally.”

Sunset smirked a little more and rolled off of Amethyst. It took a full minute before Amethyst’s brain rebooted and she was able to scramble to her feet. Sunset was sitting up on the side of the bed, holding her head, looking pretty miserable.

I can’t believe I gave freaking Sunset Shimmer a concussion!

“I’m sorry…” Amethyst mumbled. “I didn’t mean to actually hurt you…”

“Hey,” Sunset smiled wanly, but didn’t meet Amethyst’s eyes. “Like I said… I’ve been hit by worse. A lot worse.” A shadow passed over her face for a moment, then it was gone, replaced once again by that smirk. “And I think everything turned out pretty well after that. You know, the whole ‘redemption arc’ thing.”

Amethyst settled down next to the other girl and glanced around her bedroom, suddenly feeling incredibly self-conscious. But thankfully, her room looked like it always did: ordered. Everything on her dressers and nightstands were in their places. The mirror above the vanity was clean, save for three sticky notes lined up perfectly. She’d even dusted last night. In fact, the only things out of place were the coats and Sunset’s jacket hanging from a hook on the back of the door.

“Where were you?” Amethyst blurted out. “What happened? Why did you come through a statue?”

“Oh,” Sunset waved a hand dismissively. “That thing is just the dimensional portal between here and Equestria. As for what I was doing over there... Well, while I may have redeemed myself over here, there’s still a lot of mistakes I’m trying to fix back home. Let’s leave it at that, okay?”

Amethyst nodded weakly.

This girl treats jumping through dimensions like she’s walking down the street. She sighed and her eyes wandered to the girl beside her, unable to help herself from admiring the streaks in her hair. Maybe Rarity was right at the Spring Fling committee last week. Everyone actually is just a little in love with Sunset Shimmer. Well, she said it a little differently, but that’s because she’s Rarity.

Her brain to replayed those thoughts once before ejecting them as fast as she could. No! I am not getting wrapped up in Sunset Shimmer and all the craziness that happens around her! She can’t go more than a month without something insane happening!

But… Amethyst was still responsible for giving her a concussion. She had to do make up for that.

“Don’t you ride a motorcycle?” Amethyst asked.

“Yup,” Sunset nodded and winced.

“And I apparently gave you a concussion.”


“I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to ride that motorcycle tonight.”


“Are you going to just keep giving me one word answers to everything?”


Amethyst glared at Sunset, who just snickered yet again. Her eyes glinted in the bedroom’s lights and the smirk grew into something… a little different. Something that looked vaguely curious.

“Look, if you’re still feeling bad, all you need to do is just drive me home. Then we’re even.”

“What?” Amethyst stared at her. “Sunset, I gave you a concussion! That can have a serious impact on your health! For all I know, this could be with you the rest of your life!”

Sunset’s eyebrow crept up her forehead with a speed that would have impressed Applejack.

“You do know I survived getting shot in the face with a magical rainbow laser comprised of happiness, friendship and harmony, right? After being turned into a raging she-demon bent on interplanetary conquest?”

Amethyst raised a finger. Okay, she kinda has a point. But still!

“Doesn’t matter! I need to make it up to you!”

“And how exactly do you intend to do that?” Sunset asked.

Amethyst closed her eyes, knowing that she wasn’t going to be able to handle saying this looking Sunset in the eye. “Stay here tonight. If you’re still having trouble after a day, you need to see someone, even if that means going back through that interdimensional whatsit for medical care.”

“You want me. To stay here. Tonight.”

Amethyst was positive Sunset was grinning. The emphasis in her words simply rejected all other options. Yet some horrible part of herself still opened her eyes to look.

Sunset wasn’t grinning. She looked… surprised more than anything. And that strange curious expression was mixed in there too.

“I don’t want you to move more than necessary,” Amethyst continued. “You can stay here in my bed and I’ll take the guest bedroom. I even have an attached bathroom!”

“You’re serious about this?”

“Yes!” Amethyst cried. “I knocked out the greatest heroine at our school! If I don’t fix this… I’ll… I’ll…”

“Okay!” Sunset held up her hands. “You win! I’ll stay the night.”

“And tomorrow! It’s Spring Break!”

“Fine,” Sunset groaned. “On one condition.”


“I haven’t eaten yet on this planet.” Sunset’s stomach growled. “Help a girl out?”

Amethyst sighed. “Yes. I’m pretty sure I can do something about that.”

“Vegetarian okay?”

Amethyst stared at her. “The great heroine of CHS and the former terror of said school is a vegetarian?”

“Well…” Sunset smirked that damn smirk again. “She also happens to be a magical talking unicorn from another dimension.”

“Right. Vegetarian it is.”

Spot did his best to get in the way, as he usually did when Amethyst was cooking.

“You never can take a hint, can you, boy?”

Spot let out a little bark. He’d been annoyed at not getting his favorite spot on her bed last night, but after some patient explaining—and an excessive amount of belly-rubbing bribes—he’d accepted his place with Amethyst on the guest bed.

Amethyst stifled a yawn before flipping the pancakes over. Not sleeping in her own bed wasn’t the only thing that had kept her from a solid night’s sleep. She kept having bizarre dreams most of the night. Half of them had been the crazy events that followed Sunset and her friends. The other half were even more surreal.

That half had involved Amethyst actually joining Sunset and the others. A fistbump from Rainbow Dash after Amethyst had used her magic diamond fist—whatever that was—to deck some ugly chimera thing. Rarity had discussed possible gemstone accents they could use for the Spring Fling. Applejack had tossed her an apple after defeating the Sirens… again. Twilight Sparkle had levitated Amethyst out of a sandtrap caused by some Aztec monster. Fluttershy had called a flock of giant eagles to save them from a centaur. And Pinkie… had asked for help opening a peanut butter jar while everyone else stayed well clear.

Sunset had just been there the entire time, smirking with that same confident smirk as if she knew things no one should ever know. Even then, somehow, Amethyst hadn’t been afraid of the smirk. If anything, it made her feel confident. Like she could do anything.

Still… she’d never dreamed about anything like that before. Her dreams were usually about weddings. Dresses. Flower arrangements. Seating charts. Measurements and designs. Occasionally helping Fluttershy at the animal shelter. Once in a while, Rarity—or Pinkie—might pop up, since they always did so much work for the school events.

Jeez, maybe I’m already caught up in Sunset’s crazy life and just don’t know it yet.

Amethyst blinked and brought herself back to reality just in time to save the current batch of pancakes from becoming charred disks. Spot whined a little and unleashed the full force of his puppy dog eyes upon her. Amethyst had built up an immunity over the years… but it wasn’t perfect.

Spot thoroughly enjoyed his extorted pancake and trotted after Amethyst as she put everything on a tray and headed upstairs. It was a strange thing to knock on her own door, but she didn’t want to catch Sunset unaware or in any sort of inappropriate situation… again.

“Come on in.” Sunset muffled voice said from inside. She turned the knob and Spot wiggled in before Amethyst could react. With a cheerful bark, he leapt up onto the bed, where Sunset had been typing on her phone. The red and gold haired girl put the phone down and beamed at the puppy, scratching him behind his little torn ear.

“And who’s this little guy?” Sunset asked with a smile. “Didn’t get to meet you last night.”

“That’s Spot,” Amethyst said as she settled the tray down and divvied up the pancakes. “He usually likes to stay in the backyard when I’m not home. I forgot to let him in before you went to sleep.”

“Well, he’s adorable,” Sunset said as Spot fawned as only Spot could. Amethyst giggled slightly and Sunset glanced up at her. “What?”

“Just seeing the great heroine of CHS scratching a puppy under his chin…”

“What? You’ve never heard of the heroine’s faithful companion?” Sunset demanded in a dark and imperious voice.

The effect was somewhat ruined by Spot leaping into Sunset’s lap and settling down as if he never intended to leave.

Amethyst burst out laughing while Sunset glared down at the dog, a glare that convinced absolutely no one.

“Here, made you some pancakes,” Amethyst put a tray in front of Sunset. It had the usual condiments like syrups, butter and honey, plus the requisite glass of orange juice.

Amethyst sat down at her desk and took a sip of her orange juice, pausing halfway through to see Sunset staring at her again with that same little curious smirk.


“Nothing!” Sunset sing-songed. “Nothing at all.”

It was Amethyst’s turn to raise an eyebrow. Sunset just laughed and dug into her breakfast. After the first bite, she looked back at Amethyst, who was already a quarter through hers.

“These are good,” Sunset said. “Almost as good as Pinkie’s.”

Amethyst blushed. “It’s just my mother’s recipe. I’m good at following directions.”

After another pancake, Sunset commented, “From what I understand, you’re even better at giving them.”

“I don’t know about that,” Amethyst shrugged. “I’m just good at planning stuff. Pinkie handles all the big parties and dances, but someone has to deal with the fundraisers, charity events and all the other things.”

“And that’s you?”

“I guess,” Amethyst shrugged again. “I’ve always done that. It’s not a big deal. I’m not in it for the spotlight. Anyway, you’ve been to my events before. I’ve seen you at the animal shelter with Fluttershy for the Adopt-A-Friend Days.”

Sunset tapped her fork on her chin. “That was you?”

Amethyst grinned. “What, you think Fluttershy is the type to organize a city-wide pet adoption campaign?”

Sunset finished off the last of her pancakes with a twist of her fork and smiled. “You’re probably right. But I’ll bet it was her idea.”

“Of course it was her idea!” Amethyst laughed. “I’m just glad to help her out.”

“Huh…” Sunset eyed her over her glass of orange juice. “So, how does planning weddings fit into all this?”

Amethyst flushed as she looked around for the binder. To her shock, it wasn’t on the floor anymore. It was on the nightstand.

“You… looked inside?”

“Well, you did bash me over the head with it. Seemed only fair.”

“Good point.”

“So, spill.”

“My parents broke up when I was five,” Amethyst didn’t meet Sunset’s eyes. “I didn’t take it very well. Eventually, they managed to work things out and got back together. They even wanted to get remarried. I figured out I was sick of ignoring them, so, I helped plan the wedding. The whole thing went really well. So well that… I don’t know. I just knew it was what I wanted to do.”

“So, you’re big into the whole love and romance thing, huh?” Sunset’s smirk was back in full force.

“N-No!” Amethyst sputtered, pulling her headband off and playing with the little gemstones embedded in them. “Well… I guess? I guess it’s like… Okay fine, yes!

Amethyst glared at Sunset, who cracked up laughing so hard that Spot started barking. Sunset winced, holding her hands over her ears. Spot took the hint and quieted down instantly.

“Your head?” Amethyst asked, a twist in her gut at Sunset’s pained expression.

“Yeah,” Sunset muttered. “I… I wasn’t going to tell you, but I borrowed some painkillers from your bathroom. The sun was really bright this morning.”

“You should see someone,” Amethyst put her tray down and stood.

“Come on!” Sunset whined. “Let’s not jump to any conclusions! I’m not eager to go back through the portal if my head is killing me!”

“Oh,” Amethyst froze. “Well… do you want me to call one of your friends to come get you? I realized last night that asking you stay…”

“Naw. No point.” Sunset shook her head with a little sigh. “Anyway, you’ve got a comfy bed. I like it.”

Amethyst’s eyes narrowed. “No point?’”

“Hey, who’s the injured one here?” Sunset protested. “Just because I’m your prisoner doesn’t mean you can just demand answers!”

“Well, if you’re my prisoner, that means I make the rules!” Amethyst declared, putting one of her legs up on her chair in her own version of ‘imperious.’

Sunset fell over laughing. Spot proceeded to lick her face until she got up again.

“Come on, you seven are like… inseparable. Why didn’t you call one of them last night?”

Sunset’s laugh faded and Amethyst saw something beneath the jokes and the smirk. Something she hadn’t expected. Then the words just spilled out.

“AJ and Dash went camping and won’t be back until the wedding. Rarity and Twi decided to take a beach getaway for their Spring Break. And Pinkie and Fluttershy went to the National Baking Finals in Baltimare. I wasn’t about to force myself on any of them, so I hoped through the portal to Equestria.”

“You mean… they’re…”

“Oh, come on,” Sunset scoffed. “Everyone in school knows about AJ and Dash.”

Amethyst grinned and shrugged. “Okay fine, yeah, everyone knows about those two. But Rarity and Twilight? Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy? They’re night and day!”

“Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy might be a little wishful thinking on the part of Rarity and me. But I think there’s something there, even if they don’t want to admit it. As for Rarity and Twi… well, that’s kinda complicated.”

“Well, you are my prisoner.”

To Amethyst’s surprise, Sunset didn’t fight it. But she also didn’t meet her eyes.

“Twi… may have had a crush on me,” Sunset said, looking awkward and fiddling with a strand of hair. “But… it was too weird for me with her looking just like Princess Twilight… who I may have had a thing for once upon a time. But she’s now going out with this bookworm named Moon Dancer—and yes, I know the irony of calling someone else a bookworm in relation to any Twilight Sparkle. So, after I turned down Twilight, Rarity ended up asking her for some help with her new business. Next thing I knew, they were a thing.”

“But that leaves you alone.” Amethyst winced, realizing how she must have sounded.

“Hey, you’re the one who said there were seven of us. Assuming we get paired up… someone’s going to get left out. And I don’t think any of us are really in the market for one of those more… ‘open’ relationships like Cloud Kicker.”

Amethyst shivered. “Yeah, the less said about that girl, the better.”

“The three of them seem happy, at least,” Sunset muttered. “Anyway, to make a long story short, they’re all out of town. I… um, didn’t actually plan on coming back here until tomorrow night, right before the wedding, but it got a little awkward over there.”

“I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to pry.”

“Naw,” Sunset shrugged it off, but it didn’t fool Amethyst for a second. “I’m fine. Well, besides being pummeled to half to death with a wedding binder last night.”

Amethyst rolled her eyes.

“Look, if you’ve got light sensitivity and sound sensitivity…” she shook her head. “That could be bad Sunset. You might have something serious.”

“You’re not going to let up on this, are you?”

“No!” Amethyst shouted. “I feel terrible as it is! If you’re seriously hurt, then… I don’t know, I can’t just leave you like this! I’m not just driving you to your house and abandoning you there. Who knows what might happen?”

“So, I guess I am your prisoner, huh?”

Amethyst stuck out her tongue at the red and gold haired girl. “Yeah. You are. So the big heroine gets to take it easy!”

“Fine!” Sunset groaned. “I’ll give it one more day. If I don’t feel better by the wedding, I’ll head back to Equestria and see what they can do. Deal?”

“Deal!” Amethyst nodded eagerly. “But speaking of the wedding…”

“What?” Sunset asked suspiciously.

“Well… I do have to get things finished up. I’ve still got a lot to do for Cranky and Matilda.”

“In other words, you’re abandoning me to my cruel fate.” To her surprise, Sunset seemed genuinely disappointed underneath the drama she’d probably learned from Rarity.

“Yes, but I’m willing to throw you a bone.”

Sunset perked up. “And what’s that?”

“Spot will keep you company.”

Sunset glared at her.

“That wasn’t even remotely funny.”

“That was hysterical,” Amethyst informed her. “Utterly hysterical.”

“No, it really wasn’t,” Sunset shook her head. “Even Twilight does better puns than that.”

Amethyst’s eye twitched ever so slightly. “Okay, that’s just harsh.”

Sunset suddenly smirked and rubbed Spot’s belly. “What do you think?”

Spot yawned.

“Traitor,” Amethyst muttered.

A few hours later, Amethyst swung back by her house with a pair of two large hoagie sandwiches from Rising Yeast. It was a little tradition of hers whenever she got down to the wire for any big event to get lunch at his place. Yeah, it cost a little extra, but Yeast made the best sandwiches in the city, hands down. And because the final cake testing had gone perfectly—as if anything the Cakes made wouldn’t be amazing—she’d snagged a few carrot cupcakes from there. Assuming everything went well with the wedding—and Amethyst knew everything was going well, save for the whole ‘knocking out Sunset Shimmer thing’—she decided that getting carrot cupcakes would have to be added to the list of traditions.

Amethyst liked her traditions. They were another thing to check off. And there was nothing quite like the thrill of checking off something in her binder. It made her all warm and tingly in all the best ways.

When she came up into Sunset’s cell—also known as Amethyst’s bedroom—Sunset was sitting up in bed with Spot curled on her lap. To Amethyst’s surprise, Sunset had borrowed one of Amethyst’s gemstone-blue bathrobes, something she didn’t fit in very well since Sunset was a fair bit—ahem—bigger than her. Amethyst didn’t stare though. Because doing that would be stupid. After all, she’d never be interested in anyone like Sunset Shimmer… even if Amethyst swore she heard creaking stitching when she came into the room.

After spotting the hoagie and the carrot cupcake on a tray, Sunset gave her another one of those curious little smirks. Amethyst didn’t pry. For all she knew, those looks could be a result of the head trauma.

Instead, Amethyst directed the conversation to the gem that hung around Sunset’s neck. After Sunset recounted the events at Camp Everfree—Amethyst had been trapped inside one of the cabins with Principal Celestia and Vice Principal Luna when all the big stuff had gone down—to Amethyst’s surprise, Sunset offered her the gem.

“Is this safe?” Amethyst asked, unwilling to pluck it from Sunset’s hand. “I mean… this is like some crazy magic gemstone thingy! Who knows what it’ll do if someone else touches it!”

“Well, I’m pretty sure you’re not about to turn into Gaia Everfree.” Sunset rolled her eyes. Spot barked an agreement.

Wow, you just totally sided with her, didn’t you, boy? Even dogs are all in love with Sunset Shimmer. Not fair.

Amethyst reluctantly picked it up and braced herself for whatever crazy shenanigans were about to begin. Then she continued to brace herself. A few moments later, the bracing intensified dramatically.

All the bracing happened to the sounds Sunset eating her carrot cupcake.

Amethyst finally opened her eyes.

“Told you.”

For some odd reason, Amethyst was almost disappointed. She had no idea why.

Amethyst left Sunset and Spot alone while she finished her afternoon checklist. She was vaguely annoyed at herself for allowing so much time to slip by during lunch, but she made up for it by speeding through most of the streets and narrowly avoiding getting pulled over twice.

I’m getting reckless. Sunset Shimmer is definitely a bad influence on me.

Still, the Flower Trio’s arrangements for the wedding were even better than they had been for the Winter Ball. Larkspur and easter lilies had been a stroke of genius on the part of Amethyst, another thing Matilda had raved about when she first saw the combination. They were the perfect compliment to the dresses of Matilda and her bridesmaids. In fact, Rose, Lily and Daisy had made Amethyst a little bouquet of larkspur and easter lilies with a single firebird dahlia in the center as a special thank you for giving them their first big wedding order.  

Amethyst couldn’t be happier for the three girls. After all, she wasn’t the only one looking to get a leg up on her future career with this wedding. It was a good thing Matilda was CHS’s best guidance counselor, since she was always encouraging students to pursue their future dreams today. It was why Amethyst had landed Cranky and Matilda as her very first clients.

She let out a little squeal upon leaving the florist, dancing around with her bouquet and probably looking like a total idiot the entire time. She didn’t care. Everything would be perfect for the rehearsal tomorrow and then came the wedding when Amethyst would finally see all of her hard work pay off!

Next was a quick stop to Rarity’s boutique, which was being managed by Coco Pommel while Rarity was away. The thrill upon checking off the dresses from her checklist made her almost giddy. The gowns for the bride, the maid of honor—Pinkie Pie, of all people—and the bridesmaids were all prepared and nigh perfect. Almost dizzy with glee, Amethyst pointed her car in the direction of home as the sun was beginning to set.

She almost forgot to pick up dinner, remembering only at the last moment that she needed to grab food for two. She felt in the mood to celebrate. It might be a little premature, but she didn’t care. She knew everything was going to be perfect. If anything, having Sunset Shimmer locked in her house was probably the safest thing for the wedding, since she seemed to be a magnet of magical mayhem.

On a whim, she dropped by Tuna Roll’s Sushi Shoppe. It was one of those hole-in-the-wall places you only learned about from a friend, but Amethyst swore it was the best sushi this side of anywhere. As usual, Sea Roll’s grinning face greeted her. The one thing that threw her was the little sparkle in the old man’s eye when Amethyst ordered more than double her usual—making sure Sunset’s portion was vegetarian. But she was too happy to care about odd looks.

The sun had just hit the horizon when she turned onto her street. She found herself humming ‘Shine Like Rainbows’ as she pulled into her driveway. As she tried to juggle the bouquet and the sushi, she found herself idly wondering what those adorable pony ears the girls got felt like.

Amethyst laughed at herself, managed to juggle her keys into her hands and unlocked the door.

To her shock, Sunset was on the living room couch, Spot curled up on her lap. She turned off the television the moment Amethyst came in and beamed at her.

“What… what are you doing down here?” Amethyst squeaked. “You’re supposed to be resting upstairs!”

“Oh, you worry too much.” Sunset waved a hand dismissively as Spot’s good ear twitched. “Anyway, I only fell down the stairs twice.”

Amethyst froze and almost dropped the sushi.

Sunset managed to keep her deadpan expression for almost half a minute before bursting into laughter.

“You’re evil!” Amethyst groaned.

Without anything else on hand, she chucked the bouquet at Sunset’s head. The girl snatched it out of the air with a confidence that was supremely unfair. Sunset glanced at it and that smirk of hers froze, then it grew into that stupid, annoying curious version of a smile. Only this one had softer edges, combined with a hint of a blush.

“That’s a firebird dahlia,” Sunset whispered.

Amethyst knew Sunset was playing with her again, so she rolled her eyes. “Yeah, good job noticing, Captain Oblivious.”

“Don’t you mean ‘obvious?’”

“Eh, close enough.” Amethyst shrugged as she put the sushi onto the living room table. She headed into the kitchen, grabbed a vase for the flowers and some plates. After getting everything separated for the two of them, she plopped down next to Sunset, who was still staring at the flowers.

“Nice arrangement, huh? The Flower Trio do really good work. You should see what they have in store for us at the wedding!”

That seemed to snap Sunset out of her daze. She shook her head and let Amethyst pull the bouquet from her hands and put them in the vase on the coffee table. Spot woke up and greeted her properly.

“Guessing you’re feeling better?”

“Huh?” Sunset asked. Amethyst was a little worried. Sunset hadn’t been this out of it even after waking up. “Oh, yeah! Actually, headache’s mostly gone. Still kinda sensitive to light though.”

Amethyst groaned. “My big moment to shine and I beat up Sunset Shimmer two days before. Ugh. I’m never going to live this down.”

Sunset chuckled and patted her on the shoulder. “Hey, I’ve had to live down worse.”

Amethyst opened her mouth to protest, but then closed it. “Good point.”

Halfway through the sushi, Amethyst flipped on the television to a rerun of Mystery Science Theater 3000. To Amethyst’s horror, Sunset had never seen them before. She decided to fix this travesty and pull up the entire series.

A few hours later, Spot was curled up between the two of them. Sunset had fallen asleep on the other side of the couch and Amethyst didn’t have the heart to wake her.

You know, for a girl who’s saved the world and school a few times—plus the whole magical alien pony bit—she’s actually pretty normal.

That was the last coherent thought she had before she drifted off to sleep on the couch.

The next morning, despite Sunset’s protests that the headaches were gone and the light sensitivity barely bothered her, Amethyst made Sunset promise to stay until the wedding. Amethyst refused to worry about Sunset getting hurt in her own home. Instead, she double-checked to make sure Sunset had everything and promised to poke her with a text every few hours. For some reason, Sunset’s eyes had drifted to the flowers before shrugging.

Amethyst made homemade waffles for them before scurrying out the door. The morning of the rehearsal went by in a blur. Every time she checked something off her list, her squeals got a little louder. Her schedule allowed two hours to hang out with Sunset during lunch—this time nothing more than a simple homemade egg flower soup—but then Amethyst was off again. She made good on her promise to poke Sunset all the way up to the rehearsal.

And the rehearsal went perfectly. Pinkie Pie had arrived just in the nick of time—as usual—to fulfill her role as maid of honor. Amethyst still wasn’t sure why she warranted such an honor, but she wasn’t about to question it. Cranky had looked terrified the entire time… until Matilda had shown up. Amethyst grinned at his dopey expression, as if the rest of the world didn’t exist save for Matilda. She could almost see the little hearts popping into existence around his head.

Mayor Mare put everyone through their paces with the same amount of diligence and efficiency she did for everything. After Pinkie Pie’s soul-crushing hug on just how ‘supertremendafantastariffic’ everything looked, the mayor herself had congratulated Amethyst on how well she’d handled everything. Amethyst could have flown home on those words alone.

Instead, she snagged an extra bottle of Sweet Apple Acres sparkling cider and went by her favorite Italian place to pick up dinner. Then she practically danced her way through the front door. Sunset looked just as perfect as she usually did and laughed at Amethyst pirouetting into the house.

“Someone’s in a good mood,” Sunset chuckled as she scratched behind Spot’s ears.

“Everything is awesome!” Amethyst crowed. “Tomorrow is going to be perfect!”

“I’m guessing the rehearsal went well?”

“Oh my gosh, Sunset!” Amethyst squealed and jumped up and down. “It’s going to be the sweetest thing! Best wedding ever!”

“Jeez, you almost sound as bad as Pinkie Pie,” Sunset snorted.

Amethyst paused for a moment and then shrugged. “Don’t care! Come on, I brought us dinner.”

Upon seeing the food, Sunset glanced up at her. “You know, you could actually let me pay you back for this one.”

“Nope!” Amethyst chirped. “Don’t you try and ruin everything by insisting on paying! I knocked you out, so I need to pony up the dough! Speaking of dough…”

Amethyst opened a bag to reveal a massive bundle of breadsticks. She smirked at Sunset and waggled her eyebrows.

Sunset facepalmed. “At least they were both better than the bone joke.”

“Why thank you!”

“So… Amy.”


It was the first words they’d said after two more hours of MST3K. Spot was curled up between them. The vase with the larkspur, easter lilies and the single firebird dahlia was still on the coffee table. The sparkling cider was long gone, though the remnants of the tiramisu they’d shared still lay on a single plate with two forks.

“Are you just waiting for me to ask, or what?”

Amethyst blinked her eyes a few times and refocused her attention on the girl across from her.

“What are you talking about?”

Sunset gave her a flat stare. “Come on, I’m not blind.”

“Blind to what?” Amethyst yawned and ran a hand through her violet hair. “Sorry, Sunset, it’s been a long day. I’m sort of out of it.”

“Which is why I’m asking now instead of waiting any longer.”

Amethyst sat up and stared at her. “You’re not making any sense.”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “Look, it’s pretty obvious what you’re doing.”

“Still not following.”

“Really?” Sunset groaned a little and started ticking off her fingers. “First, you demand I stay not only in your house, but in your bed. Granted, you knocked me cold, so I could maybe chalk that one up to guilt. But then, you’ve either made me meals or brought home food from some of the most expensive places in Canterlot… all of which happen to be from my favorite restaurants. Then you manage to pick up my sole weakness: carrot cupcakes. To top it all off, you get me a bouquet of flowers with a firebird dahlia in it!”

“Uh… but the flowers...” Amethyst must have been more tired than she thought. “I don’t get it.”

“You refuse to let me pay for a single thing and you demand I continue to stay in your house even though the aftereffects of your little beat down have been all but gone for a day and a half.”

“Uh… yeah? I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

Sunset threw up her hands. “Ugh, you’re really not going to do it, are you?”

“Do what?” Amethyst cried. “I have no idea what you’re talking about!”

Sunset jumped to her feet, gently scooted Spot over and plopped down next to her. Amethyst was suddenly quite aware that she was alone, in her house, sharing a couch with freaking Sunset Shimmer.

Amethyst licked her lips, trying to figure out what Sunset was getting at, even as Sunset stared at Amethyst with those enormous teal eyes of hers.

“Oh, screw it,” Sunset snapped.

Sunset’s head darted forward and she kissed Amethyst full on the lips.

Amethyst let out a strangled squeak of shock. Her entire body seemed to have both gone numb and gone white hot at the same time. Her hands and arms flopped about, as if trying to figure out what to do. Then to her surprise, they decided what to do: they wrapped themselves around Sunset.

An idle thought wandered through the ruins of her brain: Huh, I didn’t think concussions were contagious.

Finally, Sunset pulled away. Reluctantly, Amethyst let go and stared at the girl.

“There, does that answer the question?” Sunset asked with a smirk and a cocked eyebrow.

“Did you...? How? When? What?”

“Gah, fine! You want to hear it out loud, huh?” Sunset let out an enormous sigh. “The answer is yes.”

“Yes… to what?” A few neurons valiantly tried to boot her brain back up. They had a hard time of it.

“Yes, I’ll be your date for the wedding! Come on, I’m not stupid, Amy. Any doubt I had was silenced the moment I realized that you got me a damn firebird dahlia.”

“But… that was… just a…”

For the second time in a week, some part of her brain threw up her hands and stormed out a metaphorical door muttering something along the lines of “I don’t get paid enough for this.”

“That’s… my flower. I’m guessing Flash told you, huh? That sap.”


“So, you happy now? You have a date for Cranky and Matilda’s wedding.”

“But… you… your friends… you… they…”

“I told you all about my friends. Nothing’s going to happen there. Anyway, you’re cute. And generous. And the dog helps. Who knows, maybe we’ll have some fun?”

Spot barked, wildly wagging his tail.

Amethyst wasn’t really sure what was going on. There was no entry on her checklist to get a date to the wedding. This wasn’t on the list! But… a part of her suddenly wanted to pencil it in.

Rarity’s right. Maybe everyone is just a little in love with Sunset Shimmer.

“Sure?” Amethyst squeaked.

“There, was that so hard?”

“Uh… yes?”

Sunset fell over laughing. She just barely missed bashing her head against the coffee table.

The wedding was perfect.

The company was even more perfect.

After Cranky and Matilda had their first dance—as was right and proper—the floor was open to all couples now, both old and new. Rarity and Twilight were pressed together tightly—though Amethyst wasn’t sure if that was because Twilight was terrified of dancing or for other more pleasant reasons. Rainbow and AJ were spinning gently in a circle, lost in each other’s eyes. Even Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy were together, both blushing and looking nervous as hell.

And in the center of it all, was Sunset and Amethyst, much to the amusement of everyone around them. Apparently, it had somehow gotten out that Amethyst had managed to snag the most gorgeous girl at CHS and only after giving her a concussion. She was sure she’d never live that down.


Still, Sunset did make the night seem more—dare she say it—magical. She apparently was so happy, she’d even ponied up and Amethyst had learned that pony ears were really soft. They also twitched a little when caressed… and tended to cause severe blushes. Amethyst was determined to put this new information on a new private checklist. Probably in a special binder.

As the song began to wind down, Sunset pulled away from Amethyst just long enough to smirk at her. That damn smirk. That annoyingly gorgeous smirk.

“Oh… we almost forgot something. Something really important,” Sunset said.

“What?” Amethyst felt a flutter of panic. She was sure she hadn’t forgotten anything. She’d had everything meticulously planned in her wedding bin—

Sunset reached around and smacked her hard upside the head. Amethyst squeaked, more in shock than in pain.

“What was that for?” Amethyst growled.

Sunset smiled. There was plenty of mischief in it, but some real warmth there too.

“Now, we’re even.”

Amethyst would have protested if Sunset hadn’t pulled her in for another kiss.

Finally, Amethyst just gave up any attempt at protesting and surrendered.

Eh, this is worth a concussion or two.
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#1 · 1
I’m not much of one for EqG or Romance stories in general, but this one is witty and sharply written and should do well. Thank you, Author!
#2 · 2
I think the reaction you expected from your reader was "aaawww" but I'm afraid it didn't work for me, but let's put it aside for now.

Your prose is very solid, same for your pace. You spent a lot of words making Amethyst and Sunset interact, showing the growing feelings they develop for each other., and I'd rather see that when the main focus is the romance than shortcuts some authors use just to come to the "interesting" part.
The jokes landed well for me, I laughed more than once, so good job.

Then why wouldn't it work if all these things are that good?
Well, my main problem is that the story is too fluffy. If I resume the story, it would be Amethyst accidently hit Sunset while she comes through the portal, and in order to apologise, she accomodates her. While Sunset is resting, she and Amethyst will get together.

That's not enough for me. The whole story is too sweet, nothing big really happens. Even with the relationship, there isn't a lot of drama. It's so sweet that at some point, I thought it would go in a total different direction.
It was at this point (warning, huge quote ahead):
So… Amy.”


It was the first words they’d said after two more hours of MST3K. Spot was curled up between them. The vase with the larkspur, easter lilies and the single firebird dahlia was still on the coffee table. The sparkling cider was long gone, though the remnants of the tiramisu they’d shared still lay on a single plate with two forks.

“Are you just waiting for me to ask, or what?”

Amethyst blinked her eyes a few times and refocused her attention on the girl across from her.

“What are you talking about?”

Sunset gave her a flat stare. “Come on, I’m not blind.”

“Blind to what?” Amethyst yawned and ran a hand through her violet hair. “Sorry, Sunset, it’s been a long day. I’m sort of out of it.”

“Which is why I’m asking now instead of waiting any longer.”

Amethyst sat up and stared at her. “You’re not making any sense.”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “Look, it’s pretty obvious what you’re doing.”

“Still not following.”

“Really?” Sunset groaned a little and started ticking off her fingers. “First, you demand I stay not only in your house, but in your bed. Granted, you knocked me cold, so I could maybe chalk that one up to guilt. But then, you’ve either made me meals or brought home food from some of the most expensive places in Canterlot… all of which happen to be from my favorite restaurants. Then you manage to pick up my sole weakness: carrot cupcakes. To top it all off, you get me a bouquet of flowers with a firebird dahlia in it!”

“Uh… but the flowers...” Amethyst must have been more tired than she thought. “I don’t get it.”

“You refuse to let me pay for a single thing and you demand I continue to stay in your house even though the aftereffects of your little beat down have been all but gone for a day and a half.”

“Uh… yeah? I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

Sunset threw up her hands. “Ugh, you’re really not going to do it, are you?”

“Do what?” Amethyst cried. “I have no idea what you’re talking about!”

I was expecting Sunset figuring out that she didn't end in the human world but a parallel world (the title misled me), and she is calling out Amethyst as "being not real", Amethyst not being aware of that. Like if she was part of a "dream world" without knowing, having developped self-conscious. Sunset finds out she didn't end in the right world, seeing how everything is perfect.
That's as far as my mind wandered, while I was expecting drama to happen, thinking that, because the rest of the story had pretty much "no stakes", the twist would need to be huge. But I was wrong.

So overall, it is definitely a solid piece, I can't deny it. I've been engaged since the beginning, but, unfortunately, the ending left me with a too much sugary taste. Because of that, and since my main problem with the story is heavily subjective, it can't be a top contender, but I will definitely rank this as a high mid-tier.

Thank you for your work, author.
#3 · 1
This is a story that I would have absolutely loved if I had read it several years ago. But while I still love crackships and appreciate some cute romance, it takes a bit more than that for me to love a story these days. So instead, I'll have to settle for really liking this story. :p
I think a large part of the reason why I like this story is because it does feel a lot like the stories that I did read and love back then. And those feelings might be hitting me in the nostalgia a bit.

Now frankly, I'm not entirely sure what else to say about this story yet. It does a good job of satisfying my emotions, but my mind has some problems with it. Let's see if I can talk them out with myself here.

I think the big one to start with is the climax. Obviously, we all know that this is going to end with Amethyst and Sunset hooking up. The fun comes from seeing how they get there. And you do a decent enough job with the buildup, though the firebird dahlia basically gave away the climax to me. And that climax was fairly lackluster. It's just Sunset saying "okay, let's kiss," and Amethyst saying "oh, this is kinda nice" before she has a chance to remember that that wasn't what (she thought) she wanted. Most stories would have had Amethyst freak out and run away so she could process what had happened and realize and come to terms with the fact that she does like Sunset like that. And while that is pretty cliche, the reason stories do that sort of thing is because they need conflict. And this story is completely lacking in any sort of drama or conflict. There's not even any tension that something will go wrong with the wedding. Even the fact that Sunset had a concussion is easily brushed away.
The biggest source of possible drama that you do keep bringing up is whatever happened during Sunset's visit to Equestria. But nothing comes of it, so that doesn't count.
Now writing a light, fluffy, conflictless story is certainly an option, but I think it also makes the story less interesting. So I think you should consider adding some sort of conflict that either drives Sunset and Amethyst together or temporarily splits them apart.
Of course, part of the problem might be that you ran up against the word limit and didn't have the space to do anything else. But it's something to keep in mind if/when you expand this.
(And if anyone disagrees with what I'm saying here, please let me know. I'm mostly just typing whatever comes to mind, and I'm perfectly happy to be convinced that I'm wrong about this.)

The other problem with the climax is that it's all based on a misunderstanding. Now while I appreciate the subversion of the misunderstanding bringing them together instead of driving them apart, it's not very satisfying. Even if Amethyst was subconsciously trying to impress Sunset the entire time, the fact remains that most of what she did to impress Sunset was completely unintentional, and we know it. The climax isn't very climatic if Amethyst doesn't work for it at all.

I'm also disappointed that Sunset's mind reading powers didn't come into play at all. The dream sequence reminded us all that their powers are a thing and seemed like some decent foreshadowing, especially since there had already been plenty of touching by that point. But we never get any sign that Sunset has read Amethyst's mind, intentionally or not.
In fact, that could have made the climax interesting: Sunset accidentally reads Amethyst's mind, realizes she hasn't been hitting on her this entire time, and starts acting disappointed and hurt. This confuses Amethyst, who tries her best to cheer up Sunset, and eventually it all leads to a confrontation and/or Amethyst realizing that she does like Sunset.
Or you could even just use it to have Sunset prove that Amethyst does like her, even though she doesn't realize it yet.

There's also the old "everyone is lesbians and hooking up with each other" cliche that ponyfics love so much, but that mostly just got eye rolls from me.

While I am very aware that some high school students do drink, it just seems wrong to me that any of these kids would. These are supposed to be the good kids who in a a world right next door to the one made out of sunshine and rainbows. It just doesn't fit right with the tone of the story to me. (Now that I go back and check, I can only find the one reference to Flash drinking, but I thought there were more. Still, I think my point stands.) But maybe you're from one of those places where it's legal to drink at 18, and I shouldn't assume American laws/standards.

But by far the biggest problem with this story is that Sunset doesn't appreciate how great that bone joke was.

In summary, I did enjoy this story a lot. It's definitely not perfect, but I think it's about 80-90% of the way to being great. And I don't think it will be difficult to push it the rest of the way there once you're not limited by the constraints of the writeoff. I look forward to eventually reading the remastered version.

Also, before I figured out what type of story this was at the beginning, I was honestly expecting/hoping that Amethyst and Sunset would stumble through the portal together and somehow get merged together into a bottle of body wash. I don't know where such an idea could have come from.
#4 · 1
I think the major problem in this story is that you're trying to tell a love story that takes place over the course of at least several days, with the passage of time condensed into a few, very telly paragraphs, and the actual romance interspaced in between. That's a serious flaw in a story that's trying to do as much at once as this one is, with an A plot and a B plot. I commend you, author, for at least choosing to keep the focus on the A-plot, but I'm left wondering why the wedding subplot is even here.

Which just doesn't feel believable at this stage. Sunset and Amethyst have some cute interactions, true, and they're at least well-written strongly constructed and conveyed via written language, but I don't get a sense that there's an actual romance developing here. It just seems like two teenagers wanting to hump each other's brains out, but not actually doing it because... er... it'd be wrong to take advantage of Sunset while she has a concussion?

I mean, when Sunset blurted that part at the end about "just ask me to the wedding already," I was like, huh? Is that what was going on?

Incidentally, the justification for keeping Sunnybuns at Amethyst's house seems flimsy, especially since Amethyst keeps pestering her to go see a doctor. Like, isn't the whole reason you're keeping Sunset hostage in your gilded cage that you're afraid of what might show up on a test if you take her to see a doctor?

Author, I can tell you poured a lot into this, and I hate to sound discouraging, but in its current form I think it falls well short of where you're aiming. If you take this and stretch out the B-plot, and add some more substance to the love story you're trying to portray, this could probably be a solid, multi-chapter romance. But right now, it doesn't land with me.
#5 ·

Ok, looks like other people already did the giant wall of text commentary thing, so I'll be brief. This is way too long with not enough happening. There's a ton of repetition: practically the entire story is Amy freezing up, doing the "I can't believe it's actually Sunset Shimmer" act, and then taking an action that shouts "please kiss me Sunset" because she can't spit it out, and then this pattern repeats over and over and over until Sunset finally gets the hint.

The wordcount is pushing the 8k limit, but the amount of actual material here is more suited for 3-4k words. Either chop it down to something short and sweet, or change up some of the events and narration so that the story grows into an actual arc, as the other comments are recommending. Either way could dramatically improve the piece! But as it is, I grew bored less than halfway through and went into skim mode, almost rooting for some sort of twist ending where Sunset keeled over and almost died, and Amy had to Weekend at Bernie's for two worlds at once and figure out how to pop into Equestria and contact her equine self and/or Starlight Glimmer for a spell to set things right or... you know, something fun to happen, instead of just more shipfluff.

Otherwise, good fluff, good jokes, it was fun to read. Great use of language, no problems with the prose, just the pacing and plot. I do like the use of the prompt, that earned a good chuckle! This had to have been a lot of fun to produce, thanks for writing!
#6 · 1
Second story this round that really played up the "Sunset likes to tease cute girls" bit. Not that I mind at all; just curious.

I had fun here, as I tend to do. This feels like a sequel to another story I've read, in regards to how Rarity and Twilight hook up, but I'll be buggered if I can remember exactly which one. Not that it counts against it, rather it just acts as a little nod. This story itself stands well on its own merits.

I'll detract from the above, in that I think Sunset sticking around for days is fine. She apparently had a rough time of it on the other side, and didn't have anything or anyone better to do/see anyway. Also: cute girls. Can't argue with that logic.
#7 · 1
This is sweet and super slicey. I like it for what it is - but what it is, is pretty fluffy without much weight to it. I think the middle is the weakest part... it kinda drags, because it's sort of the same thing several times over, and Amethyst doesn't really have a challenge to overcome besides just getting kissed.

Well, I'll give it points for not doing a drama of confusion and miscommunication, though. Those always make me cringe.

Sure, it's sweet and fluff, but hey, it's pretty darn pleasant.
#8 · 1
I like the PoV that's half reaction and half more proper narration. It starts to drag a little bit though, as she's recounting things too specifically to feel natural as thoughts, and thus sounds like obvious exposition.

The sexual tension feels a bit off. Curious to see if it plays into the plot later though.

Amy talks in a a lot of italics.

The flirty remarks are getting repetitive.

“You do know I survived getting shot in the face with a magical rainbow laser comprised of happiness, friendship and harmony, right? After being turned into a raging she-demon bent on interplanetary conquest?” One overly-literal reminder of rediculousness like that in a story can be amusing, but 1/4 of the way through, and this is already full of them.

“She also happens to be a magical talking unicorn from another dimension.” There we go again.

Matter of practicallity: Amy is concerned Sunset has a concussion, yet she let's her go to sleep? That's exactly what you should NOT do.

Through breakfast pancakes now and I still don't know what this story is about. I'm not sure if something more is coming through the portal (hinted by the title) or Amy is going to Equestria, or a wedding is going to be ruined, or what. I really would've liked to see a hook of some kind by now.

Wait... all of the mane 6 are shipped... with each other in pairs? Seriously?

Okay, the repetitions are getting absurd. Amy has now recalled or restated ten times that she knocked Sunset out with a binder. We get it, we were there.

She's said "going to be perfect" about a wedding way, way too many times now too, and this from a character that literally started the story yelling at the universe that she didn't even say "what could go wrong?" It better go wrong.

Okay, they kissed. Pretty sure this is just a ship-fic at this point then.

"The wedding was perfect." It didn't go wrong. So what is the conflict going to be in this story?

Oh, that's the end. Okay...

So, overall, this is a ship-fic, which by itself isn't my cup of tea. I'm fine with "shipping" itself, but I want stories to have more happening than just "everything works out perfectly." Amy puts in like zero effort, and completely by accident gets "the most beautiful girl in the school." This is Mary Sue 9000.

That said, the writing itself is fairly competent, and flows well, though the continue repetition of nearly every piece of information really make it start to drag in the pacing department. There are definitely some cute bits in the flirting and stuff, but it really needs to be tightened up and find some core focus, rather than meandering all over. Conflict of some kind, and character growth, are both lacking. No one learns anything, no one changes, and nothing happens except an unearned/accidental relationship.
#9 · 3
· · >>Not_A_Hat
You use the word smirk 20 times in the story. That is one smirk per 399.7 words. You have multiple paragraphs where you use the word smirk multiple times. This is amazingly overbearing. I -actually- hated this word by the end of the story and wanted to punch Sunset in her smug face. Not even joking, I physically twitched at Sunset's smile at the end because I thought it was her smirking again.


This is the cute, overly saccarhine characters interact and crush and love sorta nonsense I love, but I think it comes up a bit short. The interactions, while cute, really never feel like they much progress beyond crush-y, if that makes sense? There is a lot of adorable snark and joking, but it just never quite crosses that boundary to where I'm overly convinced they are hitting it off? You do some little things good. Stuff like TV watching and that is actually super good. Just those quiet moments. But they need to... hm... they need to engage together in these things.

Actually, literally as I type it out, that's what is missing, I think. They chatter and stuff in absence of the actions going on in their lives. They should be chattering about what IS going on in their lives. Mutual love of sushi. Getting a kick out of MST. Etc. Etc. You've definitely got the hang of them interacting and bouncing off each other, you just need to push it those few extra inches to really sell things, I think. Tighten the story up, cut some words, and give us a little more meat to the romance. When the big break is one character not even realizing they want this, it's a bit weird.
#10 · 1

#EndZipfTyranny2017( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
#11 ·
There's one more detail I forgot to add earlier that I wanted to bring up: the nickname "Amy."

Now Amy is a perfectly reasonable nickname for Amethyst. The problem is that it just kind of comes out of nowhere right at the start of the climax. Now maybe I'm just a bit slow, but I stared at that line for several seconds, trying to think if there was anyone named Amy in the show, before I finally figured out that it was supposed to be a nickname for Amethyst.

Yes, you did use the name once before, but that was 5000 words earlier.

Now, if you want "Amy" to just be Sunset's pet name for Amethyst, or something like that, that's fine. That means it makes sense not to use it in the narration or anything like that. But you should at least try to have Sunset use it more, or possibly have Amethyst make some comment about the nickname.

This is, of course, a very minor complaint, but it is something that I think you should be aware of if you plan to do anything else with this story.