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Fine Man
The grim device, tight and precise,
Blew up but tightly held the pressure in
'Til mass rebelled to bring forth hell—
And matter threw up all it had within.
Across the sands and blasted lands
He watched the scene with goggles tossed aside;
They were too dark to see the spark,
The flare of the compacted actinide.
Too bright! He ducked down from the sight,
The afterimage purpling his view.
The curse and gift of how he lived:
To see it for himself was how he knew.
Blew up but tightly held the pressure in
'Til mass rebelled to bring forth hell—
And matter threw up all it had within.
Across the sands and blasted lands
He watched the scene with goggles tossed aside;
They were too dark to see the spark,
The flare of the compacted actinide.
Too bright! He ducked down from the sight,
The afterimage purpling his view.
The curse and gift of how he lived:
To see it for himself was how he knew.
On structure, it looks like only the 2nd and 4th lines rhyme, and the lines alternate 8 and 10 syllables. That makes for a somewhat irregular read, but there's nothing wrong with it. The second line of the final stanza seems to come up a syllable short, though.
On story, I'm really not sure what's happening here. Is this someone watching a nuclear explosion? But I'm not sure why he's doing that, whether he's the one who caused it (and again why), and that leaves me not knowing what the last line is supposed to mean. Good imagery, but I'm lost as to what point it's making.
On story, I'm really not sure what's happening here. Is this someone watching a nuclear explosion? But I'm not sure why he's doing that, whether he's the one who caused it (and again why), and that leaves me not knowing what the last line is supposed to mean. Good imagery, but I'm lost as to what point it's making.