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When Time Doesn't Help
"Are you here, Heather?" Amy called out as she entered the apartment. “And if so, are you still alive?”
A noise that sounded more like a groan than a real response came from the bedroom down the hall, and Amy followed it.
“Well, it looks like you’re probably alive, at least.”
“I said ‘Go away,’” the blob of blankets, pillows, and the occasional human body part that must have been Heather said.
“Not while you’re acting like this, I won’t,” Amy replied as she opened up the blinds, much to Heather’s displeasure. “Stop whining; four in the afternoon is far too late to be sleeping in.”
“That hasn’t stopped me yet,” Heather retorted before rolling over and pulling a pillow over her head. “Now leave me alone so I can sleep my pain away.”
“Is that all you’ve been doing for the past two weeks?”
“No. I’ve also been watching Netflix and eating ice cream.”
“This isn’t healthy, Heather!” Amy yelled as she pulled the pillow and blanket away. “Look, I know you’re sad about your breakup with your boyfriend, but your friends are worried about you. I’m worried about you.”
“This isn’t sad, Amy. Sad is when the dog dies in a movie. Have you ever caught your boyfriend cheating on you?”
“I haven’t had a boyfriend since high school,” Amy mumbled.
“It’s not sad; it’s downright depressing! Nothing makes me happy anymore. Not the ice cream, not Netflix, not even cat gifs. The only thing that brings me comfort is sleep. I can’t feel pain while I sleep.”
“Do you not realize how self destructive you’re being?”
“Of course I do. I just don’t care.” Heather flipped over again and pulled her blanket back up.
“Your other friends and I have been trying to get in touch with you for weeks. But you haven’t responded to our texts or calls at all.”
“Phone’s been off,” she mumbled. “Now will you please let me go back to sleep?”
“No, I won’t. I thought that something like this might happen, so I’m bringing in the big guns.”
“Huh?” Heather rolled over and faced Amy in confusion. “What are you talking about?”
“I called Dom. Should be here any minute now.” There was a knock at the door. Amy smiled. “Ahhh, perfect timing.”
Heather sat up, wide-eyed with anticipation as Amy answered the door. “Could it really be?” she whispered. She listened to the voices at her door. Obviously one was Amy, and her eyes lit up as she quickly recognized the second.
Heather got out of bed for the first time in what felt like days. She left her room just as the front door shut. She saw Amy turn around with a large smile on her face, but that smile was nowhere near as impressive as the one on Heather’s face, if only because of the latter’s recent rarity.
But Heather’s attention was not on Amy. She was instead focused on the new arrival. Her hands reached out slowly, but with eagerness. She grabbed. She pulled back. She opened her mouth.
She took a bite of the delicious, cheesy slice. And for the first time in two weeks, she was happy.
Time heals most wounds. For everything else, there’s Domino’s.
A noise that sounded more like a groan than a real response came from the bedroom down the hall, and Amy followed it.
“Well, it looks like you’re probably alive, at least.”
“I said ‘Go away,’” the blob of blankets, pillows, and the occasional human body part that must have been Heather said.
“Not while you’re acting like this, I won’t,” Amy replied as she opened up the blinds, much to Heather’s displeasure. “Stop whining; four in the afternoon is far too late to be sleeping in.”
“That hasn’t stopped me yet,” Heather retorted before rolling over and pulling a pillow over her head. “Now leave me alone so I can sleep my pain away.”
“Is that all you’ve been doing for the past two weeks?”
“No. I’ve also been watching Netflix and eating ice cream.”
“This isn’t healthy, Heather!” Amy yelled as she pulled the pillow and blanket away. “Look, I know you’re sad about your breakup with your boyfriend, but your friends are worried about you. I’m worried about you.”
“This isn’t sad, Amy. Sad is when the dog dies in a movie. Have you ever caught your boyfriend cheating on you?”
“I haven’t had a boyfriend since high school,” Amy mumbled.
“It’s not sad; it’s downright depressing! Nothing makes me happy anymore. Not the ice cream, not Netflix, not even cat gifs. The only thing that brings me comfort is sleep. I can’t feel pain while I sleep.”
“Do you not realize how self destructive you’re being?”
“Of course I do. I just don’t care.” Heather flipped over again and pulled her blanket back up.
“Your other friends and I have been trying to get in touch with you for weeks. But you haven’t responded to our texts or calls at all.”
“Phone’s been off,” she mumbled. “Now will you please let me go back to sleep?”
“No, I won’t. I thought that something like this might happen, so I’m bringing in the big guns.”
“Huh?” Heather rolled over and faced Amy in confusion. “What are you talking about?”
“I called Dom. Should be here any minute now.” There was a knock at the door. Amy smiled. “Ahhh, perfect timing.”
Heather sat up, wide-eyed with anticipation as Amy answered the door. “Could it really be?” she whispered. She listened to the voices at her door. Obviously one was Amy, and her eyes lit up as she quickly recognized the second.
Heather got out of bed for the first time in what felt like days. She left her room just as the front door shut. She saw Amy turn around with a large smile on her face, but that smile was nowhere near as impressive as the one on Heather’s face, if only because of the latter’s recent rarity.
But Heather’s attention was not on Amy. She was instead focused on the new arrival. Her hands reached out slowly, but with eagerness. She grabbed. She pulled back. She opened her mouth.
She took a bite of the delicious, cheesy slice. And for the first time in two weeks, she was happy.
Time heals most wounds. For everything else, there’s Domino’s.
Capitalist shilling in the Writeoff? I don't know how to feel about this.
Well, there seem to be a lot of these kind of comedy stories on my slate, and I heard a few more in the Discord reading session. This one was better than most.
Well, there seem to be a lot of these kind of comedy stories on my slate, and I heard a few more in the Discord reading session. This one was better than most.
When Time Doesn’t Help - B+ — I like the tagline: Time heals most wounds, for everything else, there’s (censored). Still, it’s fairly simple and repetitive throughout, with a fairly good hook, and a nice punchline.
Okay, that was pretty amusing. Heather's sudden attitude shift seems a bit too sudden, and makes me wonder why she never ordered pizza herself. But I suppose that ignoring a bit of logic for the sake of comedy is okay.
And based on the ending, I think the author was probably trying to make this look like a commercial, but if so, I don't think they got it quite right. It would need to be simplified and have a good chunk of the dialogue cut out for that. Of course, doing that could very easily hurt the story, so it's probably fine the way it is.
And based on the ending, I think the author was probably trying to make this look like a commercial, but if so, I don't think they got it quite right. It would need to be simplified and have a good chunk of the dialogue cut out for that. Of course, doing that could very easily hurt the story, so it's probably fine the way it is.
*skips other reviews)
Okay, seriously? Dominoes? I know that they've supposedly improved their pizza in the last few years, but really... I think I'd rather have cheese covered cardboard! Blech!
All snark aside.. Well, okay, most snark aside.. This story isn't bad. Well written, decent characters, a reasonable set of circumstances... But it suffers from the fact that it's all leading up to a single joke. It's a pretty decent joke... But it's not good enough to really make this story great. A fact which I suspect that the author was well aware of when they wrote it.
In short, you got a laugh out of me... Which I suspect was all that was really intended with this piece. A single good laugh isn't all that much compared to some of the other entries, which is why this is only going to make it to the middle of my slate... But you may take comfort in the fat that you earned that laugh. :)
Okay, seriously? Dominoes? I know that they've supposedly improved their pizza in the last few years, but really... I think I'd rather have cheese covered cardboard! Blech!
All snark aside.. Well, okay, most snark aside.. This story isn't bad. Well written, decent characters, a reasonable set of circumstances... But it suffers from the fact that it's all leading up to a single joke. It's a pretty decent joke... But it's not good enough to really make this story great. A fact which I suspect that the author was well aware of when they wrote it.
In short, you got a laugh out of me... Which I suspect was all that was really intended with this piece. A single good laugh isn't all that much compared to some of the other entries, which is why this is only going to make it to the middle of my slate... But you may take comfort in the fat that you earned that laugh. :)
The opening lines of dialogue (first para) seem unrealistic to me. It's too cumbersome to say that much before you know somepony is actually listening to you. I also find the time span to be a little unrealistic. Maybe a week of solitude would be believable.
I definitely didn't predict the ending. I'm not sure what I think of it, but it's clever. I don't mean the humor, I mean the concept that reframes the story.
I sensed sexual tension between Amy and Heather, as well as sexual tension between Heather and Dom. Those might just be me, though.
Also, there's no way Dominos would mention Netflix in its advertising, unless they were doing a promotional.
Also also, since the timing was perfect, the title is totally wrong.
I definitely didn't predict the ending. I'm not sure what I think of it, but it's clever. I don't mean the humor, I mean the concept that reframes the story.
I sensed sexual tension between Amy and Heather, as well as sexual tension between Heather and Dom. Those might just be me, though.
Also, there's no way Dominos would mention Netflix in its advertising, unless they were doing a promotional.
Also also, since the timing was perfect, the title is totally wrong.
I have to agree with >>Trick_Question on the dialogue - this also stroke me. There are nice ideas, but it's not really how people talk.
The story paints the picture of Heither's situation well in the beginning, mostly through association - at "Netflix and eating ice cream" it's pretty much clear. The conflict itself is a rather generic one, but really, the story is all about the resolution so it doesn't matter much. What I have more of a problem with is how silly that same resolution is. It breaks the serious tone, which just doesn't work for me.
I think the underlying problem is that the perspective is so weak. It's technically third person limited, but the POV is ambiguous in the beginning and only comes through at all at the end when Heither gets up, so until then the reader doesn't have much of a chance to build up a connection to her character.
I also don't think it should be her POV in the first place because, if you think about it, she is not the protagonist. That's Amy. Heather does not do anything in this story (even getting up is just a reaction to Amy). Amy starts the conversation, and she is the one making the decision that resolves the conflict. If she were the POV character I think it would be more convenient, with the added benefit that her outside view on Heather's problems might set up the reader better for the twist in the end.
The story paints the picture of Heither's situation well in the beginning, mostly through association - at "Netflix and eating ice cream" it's pretty much clear. The conflict itself is a rather generic one, but really, the story is all about the resolution so it doesn't matter much. What I have more of a problem with is how silly that same resolution is. It breaks the serious tone, which just doesn't work for me.
I think the underlying problem is that the perspective is so weak. It's technically third person limited, but the POV is ambiguous in the beginning and only comes through at all at the end when Heither gets up, so until then the reader doesn't have much of a chance to build up a connection to her character.
I also don't think it should be her POV in the first place because, if you think about it, she is not the protagonist. That's Amy. Heather does not do anything in this story (even getting up is just a reaction to Amy). Amy starts the conversation, and she is the one making the decision that resolves the conflict. If she were the POV character I think it would be more convenient, with the added benefit that her outside view on Heather's problems might set up the reader better for the twist in the end.
Reminds me of an advertisement I've seen at a gas station here. There was a picture of a crying girl in grey, something you may see in a PSA about depression, and a caption that said, "Cigarettes, tissue paper and chocolate, we have everything for your sadness." I've always been unsure if it was horribly cynical or quite funny in a black humor kind of way.
This story is funny without being cynic, and I quite appreciated it. I agree that it doesn't work as a commercial, you would have to streamline it a bit to do that, and the tag line at the end feels a bit out of place even if it does its job. You probably will have to decide how exactly you want to frame your story and then change a couple of things here and there.
>>Leo
The problem is that if you move your PoV to Amy the joke in its current form will not work anymore. You'll have to move a couple of paragraphs and change Heither's reaction. It's doable but requires some rebuilding.
This story is funny without being cynic, and I quite appreciated it. I agree that it doesn't work as a commercial, you would have to streamline it a bit to do that, and the tag line at the end feels a bit out of place even if it does its job. You probably will have to decide how exactly you want to frame your story and then change a couple of things here and there.
>>Leo
The problem is that if you move your PoV to Amy the joke in its current form will not work anymore. You'll have to move a couple of paragraphs and change Heither's reaction. It's doable but requires some rebuilding.
Saw it coming when they knocked on the door, but I smiled at the final tagline anyway.
Though pizza really does make everything better.
Good punchline, but that’s all there really was to this.
Though pizza really does make everything better.
Good punchline, but that’s all there really was to this.
Advertisements are the new feghoots!
At least, that's what it seems, based on the general reaction to my story. And I am perfectly okay with that.
Most of my thoughts about this story and it's problems can be seen in my review of it over here: >>The_Letter_J. I think the only thing I left out of it, and which a few other people mentioned, is that the dialogue wasn't very realistic. Like I said in the chat while writing the story, "I've realized I have no idea how real people talk." I do regret not making the story read more like an actual commercial, but I'm still happy with how it turned out overall. I was expecting it to completely bomb, so the fact that it even made the finals is amazing to me.
In case anyone was wondering, I did come up with the idea for this story while eating some Domino's pizza. After a few hours of brainstorming, I had decided that none of my ideas were any good, and I decided that I wouldn't try to write anything. Then we had Domino's for dinner, and the tagline came to me. So then I spent the last few hours of the competition writing a story around that line.
>>TheCyanRecluse
I actually really like Domino's. Though to be fair, I'm the type of person who would probably enjoy cheese-covered cardboard if you called it "pizza." I don't think I've ever had a pizza I didn't like. (At least as far as brands go. There are some toppings that I definitely don't like.)
>>Trick_Question
I believe that's what we call "Seeing Things That Aren't There." Or at the very least, it's not something I was trying to include. But it doesn't really matter for the story either way.
"Dom" was supposed to be short for "Domino's," not the name of the guy delivering the pizza.
But time didn't help Heather get over her breakup. Pizza did.
And thank you to everyone else who read and commented as well. I'm glad that you all seemed to enjoy it.
>>Oblomov
>>axis_of_rotation
>>georg
>>Leo
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Orbiting_kettle
>>horizon
>>TitaniumDragon
At least, that's what it seems, based on the general reaction to my story. And I am perfectly okay with that.
Most of my thoughts about this story and it's problems can be seen in my review of it over here: >>The_Letter_J. I think the only thing I left out of it, and which a few other people mentioned, is that the dialogue wasn't very realistic. Like I said in the chat while writing the story, "I've realized I have no idea how real people talk." I do regret not making the story read more like an actual commercial, but I'm still happy with how it turned out overall. I was expecting it to completely bomb, so the fact that it even made the finals is amazing to me.
In case anyone was wondering, I did come up with the idea for this story while eating some Domino's pizza. After a few hours of brainstorming, I had decided that none of my ideas were any good, and I decided that I wouldn't try to write anything. Then we had Domino's for dinner, and the tagline came to me. So then I spent the last few hours of the competition writing a story around that line.
>>TheCyanRecluse
I actually really like Domino's. Though to be fair, I'm the type of person who would probably enjoy cheese-covered cardboard if you called it "pizza." I don't think I've ever had a pizza I didn't like. (At least as far as brands go. There are some toppings that I definitely don't like.)
>>Trick_Question
I sensed sexual tension between Amy and Heather,
I believe that's what we call "Seeing Things That Aren't There." Or at the very least, it's not something I was trying to include. But it doesn't really matter for the story either way.
as well as sexual tension between Heather and Dom.
"Dom" was supposed to be short for "Domino's," not the name of the guy delivering the pizza.
Also also, since the timing was perfect, the title is totally wrong.
But time didn't help Heather get over her breakup. Pizza did.
And thank you to everyone else who read and commented as well. I'm glad that you all seemed to enjoy it.
>>Oblomov
>>axis_of_rotation
>>georg
>>Leo
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Orbiting_kettle
>>horizon
>>TitaniumDragon
>>The_Letter_J
R_Dash_That's_The_Joke.gif
"Dom" was supposed to be short for "Domino's," not the name of the guy delivering the pizza.
R_Dash_That's_The_Joke.gif