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Lonely at the Top
Celestia rested her forelegs on her balcony rail and gazed up at the moon that had been her sister’s.
Has it been five years already? she asked, her thoughts her only companion.
The head of an alicorn mare stared down, silent and unblinking.
She looked away. Remembering that night — that long, near-interminable night when she with sorrow in her heart cast her closest friend into Lunar exile — was never pleasant, and she strove to avoid it when possible.
For her failings — failing to consider her sister’s needs, failing to even try a peaceful solution until too late, failing to maintain harmony when it was most needed — this was to be her penance: to rule without her sister’s assistance for a thousand years.
And even for an immortal who could draw up and carry out plans that lasted for decades, one thousand years was a long damned time. Her subjects had already drawn up a new calendar dating from the banishment and begun using it, despite her desires otherwise.
Well, they would do as they wished, and making them wish otherwise was a fool’s errand once they decided to do something. All she could do now was consider how to continue on.
The hole in the sky caused by Luna’s extended absence was one she had already patched. Celestia had never had her sister’s artistic touch, but she could at least maintain the designs that were there and give the moon its push and pull when necessary.
The hole in the government, while substantial, was also solvable. Many more ponies would be required to fill the roles that Luna had juggled seemingly effortlessly, but ponies with the necessary specialties existed, and it would be good for the nation in the long run.
The hole in her heart would be much harder to fill.
She had taken lovers before, some for longer than others. But they had all passed on, as was their wont as mortals, and they had never fully grasped the burden of immortality and the burden of ruling. Luna had known both with the familiarity of long experience, and there was no other with whom Celestia could share her frustrations and expect a response of true understanding.
The thought of creating another alicorn had occurred to them both, but their previous efforts had been fruitless. Clover had been uninterested, and Starswirl had been unsuccessful, and Celestia knew of no finer theoreticians in all the history of Equus. If the Bearded One himself had failed, what chance did others have?
She had seen Starswirl’s notes herself, and suspected that given time to fully study them, she could succeed. The fault as she understood it was twofold: Not only did it require raw power on a scale that only the strongest unicorns could match, that power had to be directed in very specific ways, lest it cause more problems than it solved. But it would take even her some years to craft the spell, and those were years her nation could not spare.
No, all that was left for her was to push through.
‘Twill be a long millennium.
She sighed, then turned and left the balcony.
Best get to it.
Has it been five years already? she asked, her thoughts her only companion.
The head of an alicorn mare stared down, silent and unblinking.
She looked away. Remembering that night — that long, near-interminable night when she with sorrow in her heart cast her closest friend into Lunar exile — was never pleasant, and she strove to avoid it when possible.
For her failings — failing to consider her sister’s needs, failing to even try a peaceful solution until too late, failing to maintain harmony when it was most needed — this was to be her penance: to rule without her sister’s assistance for a thousand years.
And even for an immortal who could draw up and carry out plans that lasted for decades, one thousand years was a long damned time. Her subjects had already drawn up a new calendar dating from the banishment and begun using it, despite her desires otherwise.
Well, they would do as they wished, and making them wish otherwise was a fool’s errand once they decided to do something. All she could do now was consider how to continue on.
The hole in the sky caused by Luna’s extended absence was one she had already patched. Celestia had never had her sister’s artistic touch, but she could at least maintain the designs that were there and give the moon its push and pull when necessary.
The hole in the government, while substantial, was also solvable. Many more ponies would be required to fill the roles that Luna had juggled seemingly effortlessly, but ponies with the necessary specialties existed, and it would be good for the nation in the long run.
The hole in her heart would be much harder to fill.
She had taken lovers before, some for longer than others. But they had all passed on, as was their wont as mortals, and they had never fully grasped the burden of immortality and the burden of ruling. Luna had known both with the familiarity of long experience, and there was no other with whom Celestia could share her frustrations and expect a response of true understanding.
The thought of creating another alicorn had occurred to them both, but their previous efforts had been fruitless. Clover had been uninterested, and Starswirl had been unsuccessful, and Celestia knew of no finer theoreticians in all the history of Equus. If the Bearded One himself had failed, what chance did others have?
She had seen Starswirl’s notes herself, and suspected that given time to fully study them, she could succeed. The fault as she understood it was twofold: Not only did it require raw power on a scale that only the strongest unicorns could match, that power had to be directed in very specific ways, lest it cause more problems than it solved. But it would take even her some years to craft the spell, and those were years her nation could not spare.
No, all that was left for her was to push through.
‘Twill be a long millennium.
She sighed, then turned and left the balcony.
Best get to it.
This story covers a lot of well-trodden ground, between the "Celestia mourns her banished sister" and the "immortality angst" bits which... which are the entire story, really. My issue is that these are things I've seen so many times in fanfiction; you, the author, can't be blamed for other people writing the same ideas as you, but that doesn't make the experience for me, the reader, any less repetitive.
And really, there's nothing here beyond those two ideas. This is a scene about Celestia reflecting on her anguish and on the tribulations of eternal life--nothing more, nothing less. Don't get me wrong, you can write a great story out of just one or two ideas! But when both of those ideas have long since been beaten into cliches by repetition, they can't carry your fic by themselves.
To me, this is a prime candidate for after-the-writeoff expansion. There's some hints of fresher ideas here already that could be developed--"Celestia figuring out how to replace Luna's role in the government's apparatus" and "ponies persist in celebrating NMM's defeat against Celestia's express wishes" come to mind--and if you can emphasize the less-trodden territory in your story, it will be that much more interesting to readers who--through no fault of your own--might be jaded by a few too many "sad Celestia" fics.
And really, there's nothing here beyond those two ideas. This is a scene about Celestia reflecting on her anguish and on the tribulations of eternal life--nothing more, nothing less. Don't get me wrong, you can write a great story out of just one or two ideas! But when both of those ideas have long since been beaten into cliches by repetition, they can't carry your fic by themselves.
To me, this is a prime candidate for after-the-writeoff expansion. There's some hints of fresher ideas here already that could be developed--"Celestia figuring out how to replace Luna's role in the government's apparatus" and "ponies persist in celebrating NMM's defeat against Celestia's express wishes" come to mind--and if you can emphasize the less-trodden territory in your story, it will be that much more interesting to readers who--through no fault of your own--might be jaded by a few too many "sad Celestia" fics.
>>Chris has pretty much said everything. That's not your fault these subjects have already been covered too many times but it's not something we, as readers, can ignore.
However, your writing is quite good and solid so i think with a new take on these subjects or something new to add to your story, you can have smth better than what you have here.
However, your writing is quite good and solid so i think with a new take on these subjects or something new to add to your story, you can have smth better than what you have here.
As much as you'll have writers who cover well trodden ground, you'll have readers who haven't really explored it in any great detail. I probably haven't read as many of the fics covering similar subject matter as my contemporaries, and so I didn't find this really tired in its premise. Some of the wording used though, particularly the final lines, confuse the chronology of the story; is this soon after or years after the banishment?
As >>Chris says, you have some interesting ideas nestled beneath the surface of this scene, and the story would certainly shine more if expanded and these ideas allowed to grow. As it is, it's a solidly written reflection, but I didn't particularly take a great deal from it in this incarnation. That's not to say I wouldn't though, if it were developed: the suggestion of an ulterior motive for Celestia taking on Twilight as an apprentice is a neat one for sure, and would make for a complex and engaging tale.
Thanks for sharing your work.
As >>Chris says, you have some interesting ideas nestled beneath the surface of this scene, and the story would certainly shine more if expanded and these ideas allowed to grow. As it is, it's a solidly written reflection, but I didn't particularly take a great deal from it in this incarnation. That's not to say I wouldn't though, if it were developed: the suggestion of an ulterior motive for Celestia taking on Twilight as an apprentice is a neat one for sure, and would make for a complex and engaging tale.
Thanks for sharing your work.
It's been done, but this does it okay too.
I like the bit with the emphasis on Luna being the only other one who understood what being an alicorn ruler was like. I also like the bit of worldbuilding with the calendar. "long damned time" feels like a little too much of an outburst just from the word choice; maybe replace "damned" with some other intensification?
Why can't she do it in her minimal spare time over a much longer period?
It's hard to come up with useful things to say about this one, but I don't think that's a bad thing in itself.
I like the bit with the emphasis on Luna being the only other one who understood what being an alicorn ruler was like. I also like the bit of worldbuilding with the calendar. "long damned time" feels like a little too much of an outburst just from the word choice; maybe replace "damned" with some other intensification?
But it would take even her some years to craft the spell, and those were years her nation could not spare.
Why can't she do it in her minimal spare time over a much longer period?
It's hard to come up with useful things to say about this one, but I don't think that's a bad thing in itself.
OK, first I have to admit that I groaned inwardly a bit at the prospect of reading yet another 'post-exile blues' fanfic. Nothing wrong with them per se, but the subject has been so thoroughly exploited over the years (in this very Writeoff as well) that it feels old hat at this point.
I do think the story is competently written, but it feels rather lacking. Apart from the original and clever bits about the calendar and the creation of fellow alicorns, it feels like little more but yet another reminder that 'yup, Celestia's still sad.' A story should go somewhere, but this one just fizzles out in the end; Celestia doesn't change in the end, doesn't make a decision, there's no tension, no real conflict... she just dwells on her past and nothing happens at all. This isn't really a story -- it's not even a scene.
I do think the story is competently written, but it feels rather lacking. Apart from the original and clever bits about the calendar and the creation of fellow alicorns, it feels like little more but yet another reminder that 'yup, Celestia's still sad.' A story should go somewhere, but this one just fizzles out in the end; Celestia doesn't change in the end, doesn't make a decision, there's no tension, no real conflict... she just dwells on her past and nothing happens at all. This isn't really a story -- it's not even a scene.
I was disappointed that we didn't hear more of Celestia's internal voice, because it would be less telly than the narration is. Another approach might be to have this be a letter from Celestia to Luna (that she can't send). The telliness isn't too distracting, but it could be improved upon.
Oh wow. This really sounds like you're hinting at princest, and you probably aren't intending that. Part of that stems from the wording you chose: "create an alicorn". It sounds like you're saying that Luna and Celestia wished to conceive together, but even Star Swirl was unable to help them do it, which implies the first spoilertext.
If you do mean to send that message (hot), you need to provide more depth on the relationship and how it may have led to Nightmare Moon.
Picky stuff: four emdashes in two paragraphs feels like too many emdashes to me, and I don't think there should normally be spaces around emdashes (the long dash itself acts as the separator).
EDIT: I'm gonna rank this one high for "reasons". :twilightblush:
Oh wow. This really sounds like you're hinting at princest, and you probably aren't intending that. Part of that stems from the wording you chose: "create an alicorn". It sounds like you're saying that Luna and Celestia wished to conceive together, but even Star Swirl was unable to help them do it, which implies the first spoilertext.
If you do mean to send that message (hot), you need to provide more depth on the relationship and how it may have led to Nightmare Moon.
Picky stuff: four emdashes in two paragraphs feels like too many emdashes to me, and I don't think there should normally be spaces around emdashes (the long dash itself acts as the separator).
EDIT: I'm gonna rank this one high for "reasons". :twilightblush:
Just once, I want to read a story about post-banishment Celestia where she's like "I'm so glad Luna's gone and I don't have to pretend to like her anymore. She was such a bitch. God."
...Anyway, that's all I have to say about this. It was one of the last on my original slate that I hadn't yet reviewed, and everything that I think I could have said (well done, but it's also well-beaten ground, and it doesn't bring anything especially noteworthy or inventive to the mix besides the possibility of princest? which >>Trick_Question also picked up on?) has already been said.
So, uh. Look at this gif of Rara.
...Anyway, that's all I have to say about this. It was one of the last on my original slate that I hadn't yet reviewed, and everything that I think I could have said (well done, but it's also well-beaten ground, and it doesn't bring anything especially noteworthy or inventive to the mix besides the possibility of princest? which >>Trick_Question also picked up on?) has already been said.
So, uh. Look at this gif of Rara.
It's a well-written piece, and like a lot of other people have said it has a number of good ideas with potential.
But I agree that it doesn't have much tension, there is no great immediate threat or problem that needs to be taken care of. Yes, there's a hole in the government, but that will take time no matter what happens; of more import and urgency would be something like “How do we convince ponies that Celestia won't turn evil as well?”.
There's also the fact that it actually goes against the writing prompt. Celestia is ignoring the problem – what to do in Luna's absence – but actively figuring out how to confront and overcome it.
Sorry if I'm sounding overly critical. And thanks for sharing!
But I agree that it doesn't have much tension, there is no great immediate threat or problem that needs to be taken care of. Yes, there's a hole in the government, but that will take time no matter what happens; of more import and urgency would be something like “How do we convince ponies that Celestia won't turn evil as well?”.
There's also the fact that it actually goes against the writing prompt. Celestia is ignoring the problem – what to do in Luna's absence – but actively figuring out how to confront and overcome it.
Sorry if I'm sounding overly critical. And thanks for sharing!
She had taken lovers before, some for longer than others. But they had all passed on, as was their wont as mortals, and they had never fully grasped the burden of immortality and the burden of ruling. Luna had known both with the familiarity of long experience, and there was no other with whom Celestia could share her frustrations and expect a response of true understanding.
The thought of creating another alicorn had occurred to them both, but their previous efforts had been fruitless.
I imagine this is totally unintentional, but that is the most implied incesty thing I have read in the Writeoff. Be careful with how you position ideas. Going straight from lovers to sister to making new life puts a very specific set of ideas in mind.
Anyhow, this more or less goes on the competent but forgettable pile. It is sad sunbutt. It does sad sunbutt things. It does them okay. But it really doesn't do anything particularly gripping or exciting and, frankly, I think trying to be cute with Starswirl's spell is a bit to the detriment of the story since those words could have been used to liven up the pathos or voicing or something. Just give it a little more edge or an angle or something.
Man, second story in a row that covers old ground. I'll say the same thing I did with the other: If you want a story about how sad Celestia is after she banishes her sister to stand out from the crowd, you need to make it exceptional.