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When Boy (Monster) Meets Girl (Also a Monster)
When Cyclops looks into the mirror,
She doesn’t quite like what she finds.
Her lips are pinched thin, and her brows look like sin,
‘Cause she’s only got one plus-sized eye.
She’s tried hats and scarves and hairpins.
She’s tried everything—spared no expense.
And glasses appall; she hates them most of all,
'Cause she can’t find a pair with one lens!
Now just down the street from the Cyclops,
A Zombie lived all by himself.
He hollers and stumbles, and falters and bumbles,
He’s left his left foot on his shelf.
He can’t recall where he last saw it.
He’s checked all of his drawers and bins.
Now, all out of time, he sets out with a whine:
“Well, I guess I’ll just go with a limp.”
Our shy Cyclops likes to stay home, now.
She only leaves to get new books.
She turns her head down and she stares at the ground
And hopes no one makes fun of her looks.
Today, she decides that she’ll hurry.
The library's one block away.
Now, head tilted low, she treads into the snow
And with speedy haste, she makes her way.
The Zombie is just down the corner,
With foot gone, he’s feeling quite small.
And as she’s looking down, while he bumbles around,
They run into each other and fall.
“Oh Devil, I’m sorry!” he mutters,
“I didn’t quite know you were there!”
“It’s okay,” she replies, as she rubs at her eye,
“But your fingers are stuck in my hair.”
As they pluck out his broken digits,
He happens to glance at her eye.
She stammers and blushes at his gentle touches.
Cue Cupid, t’was love at first sight!
“I really don’t know what I’m saying,
“But I think you’re one fine-looking guy.
“So I guess I’ll impose, if you’re not indisposed,
“Would dinner at six be alright?”
The zombie could just barely say “Yes.”
Excitement restarted his heart.
“Well, heavens above, I’ll be falling in love,
“If you’re fine with me falling apart.”
Now sitting in snow, they're both blushing.
They laugh as they try to get up,
And lean on each other, and, chuckling, they wonder
How they could have found such good luck.
She doesn’t quite like what she finds.
Her lips are pinched thin, and her brows look like sin,
‘Cause she’s only got one plus-sized eye.
She’s tried hats and scarves and hairpins.
She’s tried everything—spared no expense.
And glasses appall; she hates them most of all,
'Cause she can’t find a pair with one lens!
Now just down the street from the Cyclops,
A Zombie lived all by himself.
He hollers and stumbles, and falters and bumbles,
He’s left his left foot on his shelf.
He can’t recall where he last saw it.
He’s checked all of his drawers and bins.
Now, all out of time, he sets out with a whine:
“Well, I guess I’ll just go with a limp.”
Our shy Cyclops likes to stay home, now.
She only leaves to get new books.
She turns her head down and she stares at the ground
And hopes no one makes fun of her looks.
Today, she decides that she’ll hurry.
The library's one block away.
Now, head tilted low, she treads into the snow
And with speedy haste, she makes her way.
The Zombie is just down the corner,
With foot gone, he’s feeling quite small.
And as she’s looking down, while he bumbles around,
They run into each other and fall.
“Oh Devil, I’m sorry!” he mutters,
“I didn’t quite know you were there!”
“It’s okay,” she replies, as she rubs at her eye,
“But your fingers are stuck in my hair.”
As they pluck out his broken digits,
He happens to glance at her eye.
She stammers and blushes at his gentle touches.
Cue Cupid, t’was love at first sight!
“I really don’t know what I’m saying,
“But I think you’re one fine-looking guy.
“So I guess I’ll impose, if you’re not indisposed,
“Would dinner at six be alright?”
The zombie could just barely say “Yes.”
Excitement restarted his heart.
“Well, heavens above, I’ll be falling in love,
“If you’re fine with me falling apart.”
Now sitting in snow, they're both blushing.
They laugh as they try to get up,
And lean on each other, and, chuckling, they wonder
How they could have found such good luck.
Structurally, it's a bit irregular in rhythm, and some of the rhymes are stretched or outright broken. The pattern of where rhymes are placed is nice.
This is a cute story about two misfits finding each other, but it has the same issue I mentioned before about pacing getting skewed by how it fits the structure. So there's a build-up here, a point where everything comes to a head, but not really a resolution. Not that we need to see this played out to a successful relationship, but so far there just seems to be a physical attraction, so there's not a lot of depth to it. Plus while both had been lamenting being lonely in general, neither had voiced any concerns about romance specifically, so it may have been more effective to play this as finally resulting in companionship for them, rather than full-blown romance, unless you wanted to lengthen it to add that element in.
This is a cute story about two misfits finding each other, but it has the same issue I mentioned before about pacing getting skewed by how it fits the structure. So there's a build-up here, a point where everything comes to a head, but not really a resolution. Not that we need to see this played out to a successful relationship, but so far there just seems to be a physical attraction, so there's not a lot of depth to it. Plus while both had been lamenting being lonely in general, neither had voiced any concerns about romance specifically, so it may have been more effective to play this as finally resulting in companionship for them, rather than full-blown romance, unless you wanted to lengthen it to add that element in.
It's weird how things are suddenly romantic. Basically they're "lucky" because they're both ugly, and they both assume nopony who isn't monstrous could possibly love them. Mutual ugliness does not translate to romantic chemistry in my mind, and bumping into somepony who starts gently touching your face is super creepy. The idea that anypony can find love can be adorable, but I don't agree with the way the message is being presented.
At the very least, they could share something in common to spark a shared interest. Why not have them meet at the bookstore?
The separation between everything and spared does not fit the rhyme scheme. It would be better if you cut the word "she's". Same deal with " 'Cause" on the bottom line there. I'd also strike "of" before "his drawers".
I'm not going to continue picking like this, but the rhythm here needs to be attended to more carefully. The approach here is very sing-songy and for that to work it needs to be more exacting.
At the very least, they could share something in common to spark a shared interest. Why not have them meet at the bookstore?
She’s tried everything—spared no expense.
The separation between everything and spared does not fit the rhyme scheme. It would be better if you cut the word "she's". Same deal with " 'Cause" on the bottom line there. I'd also strike "of" before "his drawers".
I'm not going to continue picking like this, but the rhythm here needs to be attended to more carefully. The approach here is very sing-songy and for that to work it needs to be more exacting.
So this is another entry using smaller poem formats as individual stanzas, this time with modified limericks. It's a neat idea, and I like how you pull of some of those third lines. Incorporating internal rhyme is a personal favorite of mine, honestly.
I'll have to reflect what our other readers say about thythm and beat. I get what you're going for, but there are definitely places where it doesn't quite sound right. Take this line for an instance:
Based on the limerick pattern (unstressed-unstressed-stressed), I get the feeling that we're supposed to read the line as:
Unfortunately, my natural reading of this line is more like:
... which makes me stumble in my reading. I'm expecting the first two syllables to be unstressed, but reading like this conflicts with the need to end the line on a stressed note, and nasty things happen in the middle.
I think a better alternative might be:
Since the word "both" is a stronger stress than "they", it takes priority and fixes the beat back to where it should be.
Honestly, these kinds of hiccups are a prevailing issue, and I think they do warrant a second go-over.
As for the story itself, it's cutesy and simple, which is a good thing, I think. But I think I'm having trouble figuring out why our two protagonists are monsters. I mean, at the moment, it doesn't really add a lot to the message or story, other than the zombie foot thing in the beginning. Also, I have to agree with >>Trick_Question that the chemistry felt forced.
So in the end, I think you really should look at your beat, and maybe put in a few new stanzas elaborating on why these two characters fell in love.
Thank you for entering!
I'll have to reflect what our other readers say about thythm and beat. I get what you're going for, but there are definitely places where it doesn't quite sound right. Take this line for an instance:
How they could have found such good luck.
Based on the limerick pattern (unstressed-unstressed-stressed), I get the feeling that we're supposed to read the line as:
How they could have found such good luck.
Unfortunately, my natural reading of this line is more like:
How they could have found such good luck.
... which makes me stumble in my reading. I'm expecting the first two syllables to be unstressed, but reading like this conflicts with the need to end the line on a stressed note, and nasty things happen in the middle.
I think a better alternative might be:
How they both could have found such good luck.
Since the word "both" is a stronger stress than "they", it takes priority and fixes the beat back to where it should be.
Honestly, these kinds of hiccups are a prevailing issue, and I think they do warrant a second go-over.
As for the story itself, it's cutesy and simple, which is a good thing, I think. But I think I'm having trouble figuring out why our two protagonists are monsters. I mean, at the moment, it doesn't really add a lot to the message or story, other than the zombie foot thing in the beginning. Also, I have to agree with >>Trick_Question that the chemistry felt forced.
So in the end, I think you really should look at your beat, and maybe put in a few new stanzas elaborating on why these two characters fell in love.
Thank you for entering!
her brows look like sin
Wouldn't a cyclops have only one brow?
I enjoyed this, but I wish it had used the fact that the characters are monsters more. The bits about the zombie misplacing his foot and his fingers getting caught in her hair were great, and the line about falling in love and falling apart was decent enough, but I wanted more of that.
In fact, I don't think the fact that the girl is a cyclops even matters at any point. She could just as easily have been any other type of monster, and all you would have had to change is a few details about her physical insecurities. While the zombie got those good bits I pointed out above, she didn't even get one groan-inducing eye pun.
Congrats to Mike and Hagdal on their medals!
As for everyone else, ya'll clearly suck at voting. :P
Retrospective: The Glurgy One
Okay, so given the general moody/dark tone of the prompts that were submitted, I got the feeling that there were going to be a lot of sad-ish poems this round, so I kinda wanted to balance it out by writing something humorous. And since it's October, I got the silly idea of writing about a cute monster. I actually didn't start writing until something like 9PM, so I think the general decline in quality as the poem progresses is kinda indicative of my sleepiness at the time.
I originally actually was only going to submit the first two stanzas of this poem on their own. Then I kinda thought it wasn't enough, so I decided to maybe make this a series of snapshots at monsters facing self-esteem issues. Then, for some reason, I decided to make it a story. And I think it's pretty easy to tell from the general uneven pacing of this how little actual planning went into things before I just wrote. Blurgh!
>>Pascoite
Yeah, regarding rhyme and meter (towards the end of things especially) it was just getting late and I don't think my head was fully in the game anymore. The romance aspect really was probably an overreach for the amount of time I had to work with. I think I should have stuck with my original idea of having unrelated scene-lets with a much wider cast of monsters.
Thanks for your thoughts!
>>Trick_Question
Totally agreed about the romance. It's not very well-implemented, and it doesn't make use of the characters as well as it should.
I'm not sure about the "everything" line breaking the rhyme scheme though. What I was going for line-by-line in each stanza was:
A (unrhymed)
B1
C1 - C2 (internal)
B2
Since "expense" (B1) still (kinda) rhymes with lens (B2), I would think the rhyme scheme is still intact. Unless, I've totally missed what you're trying to say. :P
Agreed on your suggestions about meter. I was playing fast and loose, and it definitely bites me here.
Thank you for your review!
>>LoftyWithers
Thanks for leaving your thoughts! Glad you liked it!
>>The_Letter_J
I actually debated for a little while over one brow or two. I ended up going with two, because I thought that sounded more ridiculous. Like I mentioned earlier, I was originally just going to have this be a one-off joke piece with only the first two stanzas, and I made the decision in light of that kind of tone.
Yeah, I totally agree that I underutilized the monsters. I originally tried to work in some lines about the cyclops saying something along the lines of "you're the only one I see", but I just couldn't get the rhyme/meter to work, and ended up with the "fine-looking guy" line instead.
Thank you for leaving your thoughts!
Big thanks to Anon for setting this round up! Had a lot of fun, and I look forward to the next one!
As for everyone else, ya'll clearly suck at voting. :P
Retrospective: The Glurgy One
Okay, so given the general moody/dark tone of the prompts that were submitted, I got the feeling that there were going to be a lot of sad-ish poems this round, so I kinda wanted to balance it out by writing something humorous. And since it's October, I got the silly idea of writing about a cute monster. I actually didn't start writing until something like 9PM, so I think the general decline in quality as the poem progresses is kinda indicative of my sleepiness at the time.
I originally actually was only going to submit the first two stanzas of this poem on their own. Then I kinda thought it wasn't enough, so I decided to maybe make this a series of snapshots at monsters facing self-esteem issues. Then, for some reason, I decided to make it a story. And I think it's pretty easy to tell from the general uneven pacing of this how little actual planning went into things before I just wrote. Blurgh!
>>Pascoite
Yeah, regarding rhyme and meter (towards the end of things especially) it was just getting late and I don't think my head was fully in the game anymore. The romance aspect really was probably an overreach for the amount of time I had to work with. I think I should have stuck with my original idea of having unrelated scene-lets with a much wider cast of monsters.
Thanks for your thoughts!
>>Trick_Question
Totally agreed about the romance. It's not very well-implemented, and it doesn't make use of the characters as well as it should.
I'm not sure about the "everything" line breaking the rhyme scheme though. What I was going for line-by-line in each stanza was:
A (unrhymed)
B1
C1 - C2 (internal)
B2
Since "expense" (B1) still (kinda) rhymes with lens (B2), I would think the rhyme scheme is still intact. Unless, I've totally missed what you're trying to say. :P
Agreed on your suggestions about meter. I was playing fast and loose, and it definitely bites me here.
Thank you for your review!
>>LoftyWithers
Thanks for leaving your thoughts! Glad you liked it!
>>The_Letter_J
Wouldn't a cyclops have only one brow?
I actually debated for a little while over one brow or two. I ended up going with two, because I thought that sounded more ridiculous. Like I mentioned earlier, I was originally just going to have this be a one-off joke piece with only the first two stanzas, and I made the decision in light of that kind of tone.
Yeah, I totally agree that I underutilized the monsters. I originally tried to work in some lines about the cyclops saying something along the lines of "you're the only one I see", but I just couldn't get the rhyme/meter to work, and ended up with the "fine-looking guy" line instead.
Thank you for leaving your thoughts!
Big thanks to Anon for setting this round up! Had a lot of fun, and I look forward to the next one!