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Tantalus
Aromas waft from churros, Crêpes Suzette,
Desserts in stacks that scrape the very sky!
A stranger here's a friend you haven't met,
Conversing sweetly, fueled by cake and pie!
I seldom visit. Reticently shy,
My nature shrinks, this massive luncheonette
Alive in ways that simply petrify,
Aromas wafting: churros, Crêpes Suzette.
They draw me forward, tempting me. And yet?
I lurk, convinced I'll knock the plates awry.
My hungry eyes consume the parapet,
Desserts in stacks that scrape the very sky!
But still, I creep in shadows, always try
To disappear from any slight coquette
Or jolly don. The motto won't apply—
"A stranger here's a friend you haven't met."—
When meeting me. You really wanna bet
They wouldn't sneer? They know they must deny
The total bore a place or soon regret
Conversing sweetly, fueled by cake and pie!
Perhaps I'm overthinking. I'm a guy
The same as any. Who'd become upset
If, cleaned and pressed, deloused with zippered fly,
I stumbled, shattered— No. It's best I let
Aromas waft...
Desserts in stacks that scrape the very sky!
A stranger here's a friend you haven't met,
Conversing sweetly, fueled by cake and pie!
I seldom visit. Reticently shy,
My nature shrinks, this massive luncheonette
Alive in ways that simply petrify,
Aromas wafting: churros, Crêpes Suzette.
They draw me forward, tempting me. And yet?
I lurk, convinced I'll knock the plates awry.
My hungry eyes consume the parapet,
Desserts in stacks that scrape the very sky!
But still, I creep in shadows, always try
To disappear from any slight coquette
Or jolly don. The motto won't apply—
"A stranger here's a friend you haven't met."—
When meeting me. You really wanna bet
They wouldn't sneer? They know they must deny
The total bore a place or soon regret
Conversing sweetly, fueled by cake and pie!
Perhaps I'm overthinking. I'm a guy
The same as any. Who'd become upset
If, cleaned and pressed, deloused with zippered fly,
I stumbled, shattered— No. It's best I let
Aromas waft...
Well. Were people too busy with the pony minific round? Only 8 entries there, so maybe not. The prompt didn't work for everyone? Then why did 19 people vote for it? People just not interested in poetry anymore? I hope that's not the case. This is one of the few areas of the write-off I still have any interest in contributing to.
I like the form of this, and it's one I'd bet is a standardized one. It reminds me a little of a vilanelle in the way the first stanza's lines get reused. I'm also betting the final stanza is a deliberate break from that form.
I'll go out on a bit of a limb to interpret this. There's an obvious prompt tie in the way the narrator wants to eat all these sweet treats, but there's also an undercurrent of him feeling like an outsider to the people he might interact with in the restaurant, to whom he might also direct the prompt. That's the bit that makes less sense though, since he seems kind of self-deprecating. It comes across more like he agrees he's unworthy than he feels unfairly put upon. If he had a more consistent viewpoint on that or a more explicit statement of it, then it might help.
I didn't go through the meter as rigorously as I sometimes do, but nothing in it made me stumble as I read, so good job there.
I like the form of this, and it's one I'd bet is a standardized one. It reminds me a little of a vilanelle in the way the first stanza's lines get reused. I'm also betting the final stanza is a deliberate break from that form.
I'll go out on a bit of a limb to interpret this. There's an obvious prompt tie in the way the narrator wants to eat all these sweet treats, but there's also an undercurrent of him feeling like an outsider to the people he might interact with in the restaurant, to whom he might also direct the prompt. That's the bit that makes less sense though, since he seems kind of self-deprecating. It comes across more like he agrees he's unworthy than he feels unfairly put upon. If he had a more consistent viewpoint on that or a more explicit statement of it, then it might help.
I didn't go through the meter as rigorously as I sometimes do, but nothing in it made me stumble as I read, so good job there.
This one, then:
Is a rondeau redoublé, the way the first stanza's lines become the last lines of each subsequent stanza in order and the last stanza getting the poem's first two or three words tacked on at the end. Oh, and you only get to use two rhyming sounds through the whole thing till that last line...
The meter for me starts getting a little wonky in the fifth and sixth stanzas, but I always have trouble with sentences ending in the middle of lines. I also can't help but wish the pastries were more anthropomorphic...or at least, in Alice in Wonderland style, they would have little signs saying "Eat Me" on them. I agree with >>Pascoite that the "social anxiety" aspect of it--if that's what it is--should come out a little stronger. Maybe have him feel mad for half a line before pulling back into his shell?
Mike
Is a rondeau redoublé, the way the first stanza's lines become the last lines of each subsequent stanza in order and the last stanza getting the poem's first two or three words tacked on at the end. Oh, and you only get to use two rhyming sounds through the whole thing till that last line...
The meter for me starts getting a little wonky in the fifth and sixth stanzas, but I always have trouble with sentences ending in the middle of lines. I also can't help but wish the pastries were more anthropomorphic...or at least, in Alice in Wonderland style, they would have little signs saying "Eat Me" on them. I agree with >>Pascoite that the "social anxiety" aspect of it--if that's what it is--should come out a little stronger. Maybe have him feel mad for half a line before pulling back into his shell?
Mike
As sweetened treats pass by me on the tray,
So stanzas lie arranged upon the page
Their strange appeal but frames a different way
For players bold to strut and fret the stage.
They march along in sugary ballet
And if their structure's based on stricter cage,
Still one won't find a nicer way to stray
As sweetened stanzas frame a fretted age.
So stanzas lie arranged upon the page
Their strange appeal but frames a different way
For players bold to strut and fret the stage.
They march along in sugary ballet
And if their structure's based on stricter cage,
Still one won't find a nicer way to stray
As sweetened stanzas frame a fretted age.