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Ground Surge held his horn fast against the edge of the large circular table. Magic flowed from him, streaming instructions and complicated spell matrices into the even more complicated magical artifact.
The map lit up with a blue light and emitted a soft chime. A projected image of Equestria flickered into life above the table.
“Phew.” Ground Surge stepped back and wiped the sweat from his brow with a hoof. After a quick stretch, he made his way across the castle atrium. Crystal dust fell from the ceiling above, detritus from the pegasi doing their last minute carving. He found his supervisor standing next to the break table, his face twisted in its eternal frown. “Alright boss, updates are done. I can't believe they tried to push these on us a week before deadline.”
Swift Deadline grunted, then spat on the ground. “Nothing but demands and complaints from those froo-froo idgits up in Canterlot. First it's all ‘oh we need a new castle,’ then ‘oh can it be made out of crystal?’ Now they want the whole thing attached to a magic faultline and they want it all miniaturized when they're done. ‘It should fit in a box!’ Freaking unbelievable.”
Ground Surge poured himself a glass of water and drank from it greedily. “At least the money's coming through. Ain't like some of those jobs we've done where we have to fight for every paycheck. Working for the crown sure has its perks.”
“Yeah… about that.” Swift Deadline glanced about the room, then leaned in close to whisper. “Kid, what's the one thing I always tell you?”
Something popped above them, sending down a shower of sparks and a smoking pegasus. “Always make sure you have on the right protective gear before you stick your horn in something?”
Swift Deadline sighed and rubbed at his snout. “You damn idiots! What do I even pay you for?” He took a deep breath. “No, not that. The other thing. When a job comes in.”
Ground Surge tapped his hoof on the clear crystal of the floor. Just where was this going? “As long as the money's good, don't question it.”
“That's right. That advice has served me well for forty years.”
They stood together in silence, even as the roar of construction continued around them.
“You questioned it, didn't you?”
“Ssh!” Swift Deadline moved close enough to violate at least several workplace proper conduct guidelines. “Look, I know you probably don’t wanna hear it, but I gotta tell someone. It turns out that ‘Crown Princess LLC’ ain't actually affiliated with the crown at all. They're a subsidiary of dCO Enterprises, which is owned by some place called SparkleCorp.”
Ground Surge swallowed. “I've never heard of either of those.”
“Me neither. That chain goes back half a dozen times until it dead-ends in a paperwork warehouse in Southern Canterlot. I don’t get it, Ground. A big old fancy magic castle that my daughter would love to have as a toy. At best, it feels like a vanity project for some rich eccentric schmuck. But then why go through so much secrecy? It’s giving me nightmares.”
“Boss…” Ground Surge glanced back towards the magical map. It seemed deceptively simple, even if he knew how complicated the underlying magic could get. Could it be something dangerous? Could somepony get hurt from this?
“Hey boss,” a pony called out from a nearby room, “we’re low on paneling for the basement. You want I should go get another shipment?”
Swift Deadline cleared his throat loudly, then stood up straight. “I thought I told you to do inventory yesterday! We should have had just enough. I swear, we’re already over budget and when you’re dealing with idiots like this...” He sighed, then shook his head. “Sorry for all that, Ground. Go see if you can help with the lights on the third floor. And pretend we never had this conversation.”
Ground Surge chuckled, then rubbed at the back of his head. “Sure thing, Boss. You wanna pretend we didn’t talk about this over drinks later? I feel like I could use the extra help forgetting.”
“Better things to spend your paycheck on than booze, kid.” Swift Deadline grunted, then spat on the ground. “But for this, yeah, I think you’re right on that one.”
The map lit up with a blue light and emitted a soft chime. A projected image of Equestria flickered into life above the table.
“Phew.” Ground Surge stepped back and wiped the sweat from his brow with a hoof. After a quick stretch, he made his way across the castle atrium. Crystal dust fell from the ceiling above, detritus from the pegasi doing their last minute carving. He found his supervisor standing next to the break table, his face twisted in its eternal frown. “Alright boss, updates are done. I can't believe they tried to push these on us a week before deadline.”
Swift Deadline grunted, then spat on the ground. “Nothing but demands and complaints from those froo-froo idgits up in Canterlot. First it's all ‘oh we need a new castle,’ then ‘oh can it be made out of crystal?’ Now they want the whole thing attached to a magic faultline and they want it all miniaturized when they're done. ‘It should fit in a box!’ Freaking unbelievable.”
Ground Surge poured himself a glass of water and drank from it greedily. “At least the money's coming through. Ain't like some of those jobs we've done where we have to fight for every paycheck. Working for the crown sure has its perks.”
“Yeah… about that.” Swift Deadline glanced about the room, then leaned in close to whisper. “Kid, what's the one thing I always tell you?”
Something popped above them, sending down a shower of sparks and a smoking pegasus. “Always make sure you have on the right protective gear before you stick your horn in something?”
Swift Deadline sighed and rubbed at his snout. “You damn idiots! What do I even pay you for?” He took a deep breath. “No, not that. The other thing. When a job comes in.”
Ground Surge tapped his hoof on the clear crystal of the floor. Just where was this going? “As long as the money's good, don't question it.”
“That's right. That advice has served me well for forty years.”
They stood together in silence, even as the roar of construction continued around them.
“You questioned it, didn't you?”
“Ssh!” Swift Deadline moved close enough to violate at least several workplace proper conduct guidelines. “Look, I know you probably don’t wanna hear it, but I gotta tell someone. It turns out that ‘Crown Princess LLC’ ain't actually affiliated with the crown at all. They're a subsidiary of dCO Enterprises, which is owned by some place called SparkleCorp.”
Ground Surge swallowed. “I've never heard of either of those.”
“Me neither. That chain goes back half a dozen times until it dead-ends in a paperwork warehouse in Southern Canterlot. I don’t get it, Ground. A big old fancy magic castle that my daughter would love to have as a toy. At best, it feels like a vanity project for some rich eccentric schmuck. But then why go through so much secrecy? It’s giving me nightmares.”
“Boss…” Ground Surge glanced back towards the magical map. It seemed deceptively simple, even if he knew how complicated the underlying magic could get. Could it be something dangerous? Could somepony get hurt from this?
“Hey boss,” a pony called out from a nearby room, “we’re low on paneling for the basement. You want I should go get another shipment?”
Swift Deadline cleared his throat loudly, then stood up straight. “I thought I told you to do inventory yesterday! We should have had just enough. I swear, we’re already over budget and when you’re dealing with idiots like this...” He sighed, then shook his head. “Sorry for all that, Ground. Go see if you can help with the lights on the third floor. And pretend we never had this conversation.”
Ground Surge chuckled, then rubbed at the back of his head. “Sure thing, Boss. You wanna pretend we didn’t talk about this over drinks later? I feel like I could use the extra help forgetting.”
“Better things to spend your paycheck on than booze, kid.” Swift Deadline grunted, then spat on the ground. “But for this, yeah, I think you’re right on that one.”
I like the story, but it suffers from message ambiguity at the end. Canonically, the Crystal Castle is a rhizome of the Tree of Harmony. It isn't Discord's style to plan out something with this much detail, and the fact that the creator tries to pretend to be Celestia undercuts the idea that she's actually the one behind it. I'm left without any theories on who is responsible, which makes me feel like I've missed a vital clue. Is it supposed to be Twilight? That doesn't make any sense either. Is it the Smooze? Countess Coloratura? Hayseed Turnip Truck? :rainbowhuh:
This is subtle telliness. Use horsewords to lead the audience to realize that this is a complicated magical artifact, don't outright tell us that it's complex and magical.
...streaming instructions and complicated spell matrices into the even more complicated magical artifact.
This is subtle telliness. Use horsewords to lead the audience to realize that this is a complicated magical artifact, don't outright tell us that it's complex and magical.
You clearly had something interesting in mind, but you spent so much time setting up the mystery that you didn’t have any room left to provide enough clues. As such, the story just feels like you’re shoving a big question mark in our faces and going “Ooooh. What does it meeeaaan?” The characterization of the OCs is strong, but the overall impact leaves a lot to be desired.
That being said, I would like to know where you were going with this. If you have plans on expanding it when you have room for an explanation, I’d love to see them put into action.
That being said, I would like to know where you were going with this. If you have plans on expanding it when you have room for an explanation, I’d love to see them put into action.
Well written, dynamic dialogue, mystery building up and the you leave me hanging. That's a bit evil.
If you left a clue about who is behind it all (for a while I suspected Twilight's parents) then I missed it.
A nice house promising to be full of fascinating stuff but where somebody forgot to give us the key to the front-door.
If you left a clue about who is behind it all (for a while I suspected Twilight's parents) then I missed it.
A nice house promising to be full of fascinating stuff but where somebody forgot to give us the key to the front-door.
Sounds like renovations on Twilight's castle are coming along. Nice characterizations and what not. However, in a world filled with magic why would a map scare them? Also, why would some random nonboss type really be that interested in who's paying the bills? I guess I just had a difficult time buying into the why of the story.
I kinda felt dumb when I reached the end of something this well-written without figuring out the central mystery, but it looks like I'm not alone in that regard. Don't have an awful lot to say, other than that I'm not exactly sure what the point of the story is. If we were supposed to figure it out, I think you made it a little too difficult. If the mystery is supposed to stay open-ended, it honestly feels a bit unsatisfying. The whole story revolves around the reveal (or, more specifically, the lack of one), so it's difficult for me to get the sense that I've read a complete story. If the focus had been on something else, like the characters or a bit of world-building, I think it'd go down a lot easier. As it is, though, this just doesn't give me enough to chew on.
>>Trick_Question >>FanOfMostEverything >>Orbiting_kettle >>Misternick >>Not_A_Hat >>Bachiavellian
Thanks for the reviews, everyone.
The only idea I really had going into this was "the idea that Twilight's Sparkly Castle was built by a bunch of low paid construction workers, rather than magic, is amusing." as I wrote it that also shifted into "and something vaguely sinister is going on" but I didn't really have a good idea for what it was, and that was reflected in the story, and apparently was a bit unsatisfying.
Oh well. I wrote the whole thing in an hour while sitting in the video game room of a convention. I'll save the effort for the next contest.
See you all at the Original Short Story!
Thanks for the reviews, everyone.
The only idea I really had going into this was "the idea that Twilight's Sparkly Castle was built by a bunch of low paid construction workers, rather than magic, is amusing." as I wrote it that also shifted into "and something vaguely sinister is going on" but I didn't really have a good idea for what it was, and that was reflected in the story, and apparently was a bit unsatisfying.
Oh well. I wrote the whole thing in an hour while sitting in the video game room of a convention. I'll save the effort for the next contest.
See you all at the Original Short Story!