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He Come to Town
A brown earth stallion trotted through the Ponyville market with a wagon full of jewels, a confident smirk, and a hat that resembled the end of a green windsock over his blonde mane. He practically pranced down the road despite the weight pulling against his harness. The smirk grew to a genuine smile when he approached one of the market's store-homes, marked only by a wrapped sweet hanging over the door.
He unhitched himself in front of Bon Bon's Bonbons. He trusted the ponies of Ponyville, and trusted the anti-theft enchantments on the wagon even more. As he entered the empty shop, he waved and said, "Hey there!"
The proprietress turned around from the lollipop display she'd been adjusting and gasped with delight. "Brave Heart!" She raced out from behind the counter and hugged him. "I thought you were dead!"
Brave grinned. "Who, me?"
Sweetie Drops socked him in the jaw, then reached behind him to flip the open/closed sign in the front window.
"What was that for!?" Brave cried as he rubbed his jaw.
Sweetie scowled down at him. "Making me think you were dead!"
"It was a routine mission."
"You went into an active volcano!"
Brave rolled his eyes. "I had my red hat."
"The heatproof one, yes. I thought it might fall off in an active volcano."
"That’s what bobby pins are for."
Sweetie's scowl didn't shift as she stomped back behind the counter. "And you were gone for months!"
"A lot of that was transportation time." Brave Heart chuckled. "Death Mountain isn’t exactly on any of the major rail lines, Sweetie."
"You went to Death Mountain, an active volcano, with zero agency support."
All the humor drained out of Brave's expression. "Yes. Yes I did. A Diamond Dog cult was trying to summon an avatar of Lavan the All-Smelter. What was I supposed to do, sit back and hope somepony else could take care of it?"
Sweetie's mouth worked silently for a moment before she cried, "Yes! Somepony else whose special forces unit hasn’t been shuttered!"
"Hey, what are we yelling about?" Lyra came downstairs, her face splitting into a delighted grin as she saw the stallion. "Brave Heart! I thought I heard you."
He smiled. "Hi, Lyra. Any new tunes?"
"Nothing compatible with that goofy potato flute of yours."
Brave pouted. "It’s an ocarina."
Lyra winked at him. "I know, but it’s a lot more fun to call it a goofy potato flute. Where’ve you been?"
"In an active volcano," Sweetie growled.
Brave's eyes widened. "Uh, Bon Bon? Civilian."
"We’re both civilians too, Brave. That’s what decommissioning means. Besides, Lyra found out a while ago." Sweetie sighed. "The bugbear found Ponyville."
"It..." Brave took a step back. "It did?"
"Yes. And you know who dealt with it? The Bearers of Harmony."
"Wait," said Lyra," you didn’t help at all?"
Sweetie shot her a sour look. "Okay, I may have distracted it by lurking in its peripheral vision a few times, but that was ninety-five percent Twilight Sparkle and company."
"With all due respect, Sweetie—"
"Stick with Bon Bon, Brave. Unlike some of us, I've left the past behind me."
Brave nodded, though he noted the way Lyra raised an eyebrow at that. "My point is that these weren’t the sort of enemies you can beat with friendship."
"So? The Bearers could unleash the unbridled power of Harmony on the cultists. Problem solved! Or a Shadowbolt or three could’ve swooped in; I know Yearling’s always happy to get a plot that doesn’t involve Ahuizotl. For peat's sake, even the official Royal Guard might have been able to handle it! It's been about a decade since their last moment of competence. They're due for another one soon." Swee—Bon Bon took a deep breath. "The point is, you are not the only hero in Equestria!"
"It wasn’t even that bad! I got to them way before the avatar assumed its full mantle. Three bucks to the runestone holding it together and it collapsed into a puddle. The dodongos I fought along the way were more dangerous."
Brave had fought gorgons before. He knew some looks could kill, and Bon Bon's was getting close. "More dangerous than a giant magma elemental."
Lyra cleared her throat. "Um, dodongos?"
"Volcanic quasidragons that dislike smoke," said Bon Bon. "The alphas can grow to the size of a house."
"Should I be hearing any of this?"
"Technically speaking, you got Prince-level security clearance when you married me. As long as you keep it to yourself, you're fine." Bon Bon turned her hardening gaze at Brave Heart. "Unlike some ponies."
"I was fine. I exercised the utmost caution."
"You went into an active volcano."
Brave rolled his eyes. "You’re going to run that into the ground, aren’t you?"
"I’m sure it’s not half as bad as what Gen said."
"Uh…" Brave paled and gulped.
Lyra and Bon Bon both glared at him. "You did see your wife before coming here, didn’t you?" said Lyra.
"Well, I passed by the shop first, and—"
"Go," both mares said at once.
Brave started backing away towards the door. "Going."
Brave Heart had faced a lot of horrible things in his life: dragons, giant spiders, an immortal camel warlock with a habit of turning into a giant pig. But none made his heart quail quite like standing before the front door of his own house.
He swallowed and knocked.
A voice from within half-sang, "Just a minute!" The door opened, revealing a pale yellow mare with an auburn mane. "How can I—" She fell silent, her eyes widening as she beheld Brave.
He gave a desperate grin. "Hi, Princess. I’m home."
He didn’t see Next Generation’s punch, but it still came as no surprise.
The yelling began before he could even pick himself up off the ground. "How dare you! Do you know how worried I was? Do you even think about what you do to us every time you leave on one of these little adrenaline rushes of yours!?"
"Can I at least come inside?" Brave said as he pulled himself to his hooves.
Gen snorted angrily. "Not like the neighbors can think any less of us. This will be the third funeral I'll have to cancel. Mr. Waddle's coming by later to see if there's anything he'd need to change in the eulogy he prepared last time."
"Please, Princess."
"Don't call me that." Gen bit her lip, her eyes starting to water. "Not now."
"Please." Brave hugged her, feeling the tears run down his own cheeks.
They held each other for a time, neither caring how long. Finally, Gen said, "I'm still mad at you."
"I know."
"Come in."
"Thank you."
They were silent until they made it into the living room, each resting on a couch. "You missed Button's birthday again," said Gen.
"Did you get the card?"
She nodded. "And the postmark on the envelope. You sent it a month ahead of time."
"Didn't want to make him think I forgot again."
"I guess you can learn." Gen gave one sad laugh, then shook her head. "You can't keep doing this, Brave. I can't stand not knowing whether or not I'm a widow for months on end."
"We've talked about this." Brave nodded towards the partially filled heart on his flank. "I'm no good at anything if I'm not on the edge of death."
Gen smiled. "Actually, that's something else you've missed. You remember Button's friend Sweetie Belle?"
After a moment, Brave nodded. "Yes. Are she and her friends still getting into as much trouble as I did at that age?"
Gen's said nothing, her smile not shifting as her eyes narrowed.
"Don't you worry, Mrs. Button's Mom!" said Scootaloo.
Sweetie Belle nudged her. "Mrs. Generation."
"Right, that. The point is, we'll be happy to help your husband."
"I'm sure you will, girls."
As Gen left, Brave Heart looked up at the clubhouse and smiled. "Heh. This is nostalgic. Had a place a lot like this back home."
"Ya did?" said Apple Bloom.
"Oh yeah. Kokirin was a logging town. Felt like every kid there had his own treehouse." Brave shook off the nostalgia. "Alright girls, let’s get started."
All three were examining his flanks. "Yer sure yer talent’s adventurin’? We’ve seen plenty o’ ponies misread their marks."
"Very sure. I’ve been adventuring for more than ten years and I’m still here." Technically true. Last Brave had checked, none of the Crusaders had married former S.M.I.L.E. operatives.
Sweetie hummed to herself. "Well, what else can you do?"
Brave mentally ran through his skill set for something safe to share with fillies. "I am trained in demolitions."
"You are?" said Scootaloo, her eyes wide with glee.
Sweetie nudged her. "We’ll, um, put that on the list."
Apple Bloom nodded. "We ain’t allowed near construction or demolition areas fer another four years or so. Let’s try somethin’ else in th’ meantime."
"And that’s training, not talent," added Sweetie. "What I meant was, what besides adventuring do you love doing?"
Brave sat and thought for a good minute. What did he like doing? "Well…"
"Out, out, out!" cried Mr. Amphora, his whole head cherry red as he shoved Brave Heart out of his shop.
"Breezies hide gems in pots!" Brave shouted back. "I’ve seen them do it! This is scientific fact!"
The Crusaders gawked at him. "So this is what it’s like from the outside," said Sweetie Belle.
Scootaloo nodded. "Yeah, kinda weird. I didn't think that's what he meant when he said he liked pottery."
"Maybe we should focus on trained skills fer a bit." Apple Bloom turned to Brave, who was still glaring at the potter's shop. "Any ideas?"
He took a deep breath and said, "Well, I’m certainly good at bucking."
Bloom grinned. "AJ may say otherwise, but we could always use a helpin’ hoof at Sweet Apple Acres."
Brave’s screams resounded across the Acres, barely louder than the pursuing swarm’s enraged clucking.
"He ain’t even supposed t’ be feedin’ the chickens," Apple Bloom said distantly.
Applejack shook her head. "Well, at least he’s got a good turn o’ speed. Next time there’s a rodeo, he may gimme a run fer mah money, but I don’t think he’s a good fit fer the farm."
Apple Bloom sighed. "Yeah. How long ’til Big Mac gets back with Fluttershy?"
"Shouldn’t be more’n a few minutes."
"Guess we'll try somethin' he likes doin' again."
Strains of beautiful music wafted about the square, ponies gathering from all across the town to listen. A phantom orchestra seemed to accompany the two performers as the song swelled to its climax. The audience stomped their applause as the last refrain echoed. The duet bowed and the crowd dispersed, each of them stepping a little higher, their eyes a little brighter.
Brave Heart’s smile lasted until he looked in the lyre case.
Lyra beamed at it. "Wow! Twelve bits and a Quills and Sofas coupon! Nice haul."
"Seriously? Don’t these ponies know how hard it is to play an ocarina with hooves?"
"You don’t do this for the money, Brave. You do it for the music."
He just groaned.
"It’s okay, dear. Really."
Brave Heart just grunted, slumped as he was on the new sofa.
"The hospital did say I was always welcome back at the maternity ward. Besides, now you can spend more time with Button."
He sighed and nodded. "There is that."
A knock made both look at the front door. "I'll get it," said Gen.
"Fine." Brave let his head plop back down and shut his eyes. He had to admit, it was a nice sofa.
"Mr. Heart?"
He cracked an eye open and saw the Crusaders. "Oh. Hello, girls."
Apple Bloom shuffled her hooves. "We came to apologize."
"We may have exaggerated our experience," said Sweetie Belle.
"We’ve helped ponies with cutie mark problems, just…" Scootaloo bit her lip. "Well, not all that many of them. Not yet, anyway."
"An’ we realized that this time around, we were askin’ th’ wrong questions. What you can do ain’t important. What is is why ya do it."
Brave thought for a fair stretch of time, enough to make the Crusaders start to squirm. Finally, he brought himself up to a sitting position and said, "I did what I did to keep ponies safe without them ever knowing they were in danger. I did it because somepony has to, and few can. And…" He took a deep breath. "Well, if I’m being perfectly honest, a little bit because of the thrill."
The fillies looked at one another and nodded. As they turned back to him, Sweetie Belle said, "This time, we have the perfect job for you."
Twilight Sparkle fluffed her wings a bit before saying, "Girls, I appreciate the thought, but I don’t think this is strictly necessary."
"Come on, Twilight, the other princesses have all been on your case to have some kind of guard. Especially Luna." Spike shuddered. "I really don’t want to burp out another epic poem on the subject."
"But I want to be approachable. Just because I have wings and a crystal castle doesn’t make me special."
Spike, the Crusaders, and Brave Heart gave her a flat look. Every eye shifted to her star-marked throne sitting in the middle of the room.
Twilight blushed. "That sounded a lot better in my head."
"For what it’s worth, Twilight," said Brave, "just think of me as a helping hoof. Shooing away solicitors, keeping ponies out when you’re busy, fighting off any experiments gone awry, that kind of thing."
"I barely have time for experiments the way my schedule is."
"Do you have to do everything on it?" said Sweetie Belle.
"No, she doesn’t." Spike gave Twilight a knowing look. "I should know. I write the thing."
"All right, I suppose you have a point." Twilight nodded at Brave. "You’re hired, Brave Heart. Welcome to the... well, we'll figure out a name for my branch of the guard soon. Technically, you’re a captain by default, but I don’t plan on expanding it any time soon."
He nodded. "I’m fine with that." He turned to the Crusaders and smiled. "Thank you, girls."
"Does this feel right?" said Sweetie.
Brave thought about it. "Serving Princess Twilight? Yeah, I’d say it does."
He unhitched himself in front of Bon Bon's Bonbons. He trusted the ponies of Ponyville, and trusted the anti-theft enchantments on the wagon even more. As he entered the empty shop, he waved and said, "Hey there!"
The proprietress turned around from the lollipop display she'd been adjusting and gasped with delight. "Brave Heart!" She raced out from behind the counter and hugged him. "I thought you were dead!"
Brave grinned. "Who, me?"
Sweetie Drops socked him in the jaw, then reached behind him to flip the open/closed sign in the front window.
"What was that for!?" Brave cried as he rubbed his jaw.
Sweetie scowled down at him. "Making me think you were dead!"
"It was a routine mission."
"You went into an active volcano!"
Brave rolled his eyes. "I had my red hat."
"The heatproof one, yes. I thought it might fall off in an active volcano."
"That’s what bobby pins are for."
Sweetie's scowl didn't shift as she stomped back behind the counter. "And you were gone for months!"
"A lot of that was transportation time." Brave Heart chuckled. "Death Mountain isn’t exactly on any of the major rail lines, Sweetie."
"You went to Death Mountain, an active volcano, with zero agency support."
All the humor drained out of Brave's expression. "Yes. Yes I did. A Diamond Dog cult was trying to summon an avatar of Lavan the All-Smelter. What was I supposed to do, sit back and hope somepony else could take care of it?"
Sweetie's mouth worked silently for a moment before she cried, "Yes! Somepony else whose special forces unit hasn’t been shuttered!"
"Hey, what are we yelling about?" Lyra came downstairs, her face splitting into a delighted grin as she saw the stallion. "Brave Heart! I thought I heard you."
He smiled. "Hi, Lyra. Any new tunes?"
"Nothing compatible with that goofy potato flute of yours."
Brave pouted. "It’s an ocarina."
Lyra winked at him. "I know, but it’s a lot more fun to call it a goofy potato flute. Where’ve you been?"
"In an active volcano," Sweetie growled.
Brave's eyes widened. "Uh, Bon Bon? Civilian."
"We’re both civilians too, Brave. That’s what decommissioning means. Besides, Lyra found out a while ago." Sweetie sighed. "The bugbear found Ponyville."
"It..." Brave took a step back. "It did?"
"Yes. And you know who dealt with it? The Bearers of Harmony."
"Wait," said Lyra," you didn’t help at all?"
Sweetie shot her a sour look. "Okay, I may have distracted it by lurking in its peripheral vision a few times, but that was ninety-five percent Twilight Sparkle and company."
"With all due respect, Sweetie—"
"Stick with Bon Bon, Brave. Unlike some of us, I've left the past behind me."
Brave nodded, though he noted the way Lyra raised an eyebrow at that. "My point is that these weren’t the sort of enemies you can beat with friendship."
"So? The Bearers could unleash the unbridled power of Harmony on the cultists. Problem solved! Or a Shadowbolt or three could’ve swooped in; I know Yearling’s always happy to get a plot that doesn’t involve Ahuizotl. For peat's sake, even the official Royal Guard might have been able to handle it! It's been about a decade since their last moment of competence. They're due for another one soon." Swee—Bon Bon took a deep breath. "The point is, you are not the only hero in Equestria!"
"It wasn’t even that bad! I got to them way before the avatar assumed its full mantle. Three bucks to the runestone holding it together and it collapsed into a puddle. The dodongos I fought along the way were more dangerous."
Brave had fought gorgons before. He knew some looks could kill, and Bon Bon's was getting close. "More dangerous than a giant magma elemental."
Lyra cleared her throat. "Um, dodongos?"
"Volcanic quasidragons that dislike smoke," said Bon Bon. "The alphas can grow to the size of a house."
"Should I be hearing any of this?"
"Technically speaking, you got Prince-level security clearance when you married me. As long as you keep it to yourself, you're fine." Bon Bon turned her hardening gaze at Brave Heart. "Unlike some ponies."
"I was fine. I exercised the utmost caution."
"You went into an active volcano."
Brave rolled his eyes. "You’re going to run that into the ground, aren’t you?"
"I’m sure it’s not half as bad as what Gen said."
"Uh…" Brave paled and gulped.
Lyra and Bon Bon both glared at him. "You did see your wife before coming here, didn’t you?" said Lyra.
"Well, I passed by the shop first, and—"
"Go," both mares said at once.
Brave started backing away towards the door. "Going."
Brave Heart had faced a lot of horrible things in his life: dragons, giant spiders, an immortal camel warlock with a habit of turning into a giant pig. But none made his heart quail quite like standing before the front door of his own house.
He swallowed and knocked.
A voice from within half-sang, "Just a minute!" The door opened, revealing a pale yellow mare with an auburn mane. "How can I—" She fell silent, her eyes widening as she beheld Brave.
He gave a desperate grin. "Hi, Princess. I’m home."
He didn’t see Next Generation’s punch, but it still came as no surprise.
The yelling began before he could even pick himself up off the ground. "How dare you! Do you know how worried I was? Do you even think about what you do to us every time you leave on one of these little adrenaline rushes of yours!?"
"Can I at least come inside?" Brave said as he pulled himself to his hooves.
Gen snorted angrily. "Not like the neighbors can think any less of us. This will be the third funeral I'll have to cancel. Mr. Waddle's coming by later to see if there's anything he'd need to change in the eulogy he prepared last time."
"Please, Princess."
"Don't call me that." Gen bit her lip, her eyes starting to water. "Not now."
"Please." Brave hugged her, feeling the tears run down his own cheeks.
They held each other for a time, neither caring how long. Finally, Gen said, "I'm still mad at you."
"I know."
"Come in."
"Thank you."
They were silent until they made it into the living room, each resting on a couch. "You missed Button's birthday again," said Gen.
"Did you get the card?"
She nodded. "And the postmark on the envelope. You sent it a month ahead of time."
"Didn't want to make him think I forgot again."
"I guess you can learn." Gen gave one sad laugh, then shook her head. "You can't keep doing this, Brave. I can't stand not knowing whether or not I'm a widow for months on end."
"We've talked about this." Brave nodded towards the partially filled heart on his flank. "I'm no good at anything if I'm not on the edge of death."
Gen smiled. "Actually, that's something else you've missed. You remember Button's friend Sweetie Belle?"
After a moment, Brave nodded. "Yes. Are she and her friends still getting into as much trouble as I did at that age?"
Gen's said nothing, her smile not shifting as her eyes narrowed.
"Don't you worry, Mrs. Button's Mom!" said Scootaloo.
Sweetie Belle nudged her. "Mrs. Generation."
"Right, that. The point is, we'll be happy to help your husband."
"I'm sure you will, girls."
As Gen left, Brave Heart looked up at the clubhouse and smiled. "Heh. This is nostalgic. Had a place a lot like this back home."
"Ya did?" said Apple Bloom.
"Oh yeah. Kokirin was a logging town. Felt like every kid there had his own treehouse." Brave shook off the nostalgia. "Alright girls, let’s get started."
All three were examining his flanks. "Yer sure yer talent’s adventurin’? We’ve seen plenty o’ ponies misread their marks."
"Very sure. I’ve been adventuring for more than ten years and I’m still here." Technically true. Last Brave had checked, none of the Crusaders had married former S.M.I.L.E. operatives.
Sweetie hummed to herself. "Well, what else can you do?"
Brave mentally ran through his skill set for something safe to share with fillies. "I am trained in demolitions."
"You are?" said Scootaloo, her eyes wide with glee.
Sweetie nudged her. "We’ll, um, put that on the list."
Apple Bloom nodded. "We ain’t allowed near construction or demolition areas fer another four years or so. Let’s try somethin’ else in th’ meantime."
"And that’s training, not talent," added Sweetie. "What I meant was, what besides adventuring do you love doing?"
Brave sat and thought for a good minute. What did he like doing? "Well…"
"Out, out, out!" cried Mr. Amphora, his whole head cherry red as he shoved Brave Heart out of his shop.
"Breezies hide gems in pots!" Brave shouted back. "I’ve seen them do it! This is scientific fact!"
The Crusaders gawked at him. "So this is what it’s like from the outside," said Sweetie Belle.
Scootaloo nodded. "Yeah, kinda weird. I didn't think that's what he meant when he said he liked pottery."
"Maybe we should focus on trained skills fer a bit." Apple Bloom turned to Brave, who was still glaring at the potter's shop. "Any ideas?"
He took a deep breath and said, "Well, I’m certainly good at bucking."
Bloom grinned. "AJ may say otherwise, but we could always use a helpin’ hoof at Sweet Apple Acres."
Brave’s screams resounded across the Acres, barely louder than the pursuing swarm’s enraged clucking.
"He ain’t even supposed t’ be feedin’ the chickens," Apple Bloom said distantly.
Applejack shook her head. "Well, at least he’s got a good turn o’ speed. Next time there’s a rodeo, he may gimme a run fer mah money, but I don’t think he’s a good fit fer the farm."
Apple Bloom sighed. "Yeah. How long ’til Big Mac gets back with Fluttershy?"
"Shouldn’t be more’n a few minutes."
"Guess we'll try somethin' he likes doin' again."
Strains of beautiful music wafted about the square, ponies gathering from all across the town to listen. A phantom orchestra seemed to accompany the two performers as the song swelled to its climax. The audience stomped their applause as the last refrain echoed. The duet bowed and the crowd dispersed, each of them stepping a little higher, their eyes a little brighter.
Brave Heart’s smile lasted until he looked in the lyre case.
Lyra beamed at it. "Wow! Twelve bits and a Quills and Sofas coupon! Nice haul."
"Seriously? Don’t these ponies know how hard it is to play an ocarina with hooves?"
"You don’t do this for the money, Brave. You do it for the music."
He just groaned.
"It’s okay, dear. Really."
Brave Heart just grunted, slumped as he was on the new sofa.
"The hospital did say I was always welcome back at the maternity ward. Besides, now you can spend more time with Button."
He sighed and nodded. "There is that."
A knock made both look at the front door. "I'll get it," said Gen.
"Fine." Brave let his head plop back down and shut his eyes. He had to admit, it was a nice sofa.
"Mr. Heart?"
He cracked an eye open and saw the Crusaders. "Oh. Hello, girls."
Apple Bloom shuffled her hooves. "We came to apologize."
"We may have exaggerated our experience," said Sweetie Belle.
"We’ve helped ponies with cutie mark problems, just…" Scootaloo bit her lip. "Well, not all that many of them. Not yet, anyway."
"An’ we realized that this time around, we were askin’ th’ wrong questions. What you can do ain’t important. What is is why ya do it."
Brave thought for a fair stretch of time, enough to make the Crusaders start to squirm. Finally, he brought himself up to a sitting position and said, "I did what I did to keep ponies safe without them ever knowing they were in danger. I did it because somepony has to, and few can. And…" He took a deep breath. "Well, if I’m being perfectly honest, a little bit because of the thrill."
The fillies looked at one another and nodded. As they turned back to him, Sweetie Belle said, "This time, we have the perfect job for you."
Twilight Sparkle fluffed her wings a bit before saying, "Girls, I appreciate the thought, but I don’t think this is strictly necessary."
"Come on, Twilight, the other princesses have all been on your case to have some kind of guard. Especially Luna." Spike shuddered. "I really don’t want to burp out another epic poem on the subject."
"But I want to be approachable. Just because I have wings and a crystal castle doesn’t make me special."
Spike, the Crusaders, and Brave Heart gave her a flat look. Every eye shifted to her star-marked throne sitting in the middle of the room.
Twilight blushed. "That sounded a lot better in my head."
"For what it’s worth, Twilight," said Brave, "just think of me as a helping hoof. Shooing away solicitors, keeping ponies out when you’re busy, fighting off any experiments gone awry, that kind of thing."
"I barely have time for experiments the way my schedule is."
"Do you have to do everything on it?" said Sweetie Belle.
"No, she doesn’t." Spike gave Twilight a knowing look. "I should know. I write the thing."
"All right, I suppose you have a point." Twilight nodded at Brave. "You’re hired, Brave Heart. Welcome to the... well, we'll figure out a name for my branch of the guard soon. Technically, you’re a captain by default, but I don’t plan on expanding it any time soon."
He nodded. "I’m fine with that." He turned to the Crusaders and smiled. "Thank you, girls."
"Does this feel right?" said Sweetie.
Brave thought about it. "Serving Princess Twilight? Yeah, I’d say it does."
this fic's title = i see what you did there.
the first scene's great. even without the references, the conversation starts out pretty entertaining, while giving a good picture of our characters. the way Lyra casually joins in adds a nice touch of humor. goofy potato flute! I would've liked to see more hints of their shared history together. the end of the scene feels like an awkward transition. so stopping by the shop wasn't really important, except to establish Brave's character?
scene 2 threw me for a loop. it repeats the bit about getting smacked in the face, but now the story doesn't look like a comedy anymore. hey this is a serious real-life problem, being disconnected from his family like that. also, Button is mentioned, but never shows up in the fic. now I feel sad!
the next couple of scenes go back to funny again, parodying the videogame material. it loses some clarity though, I didn't immediately catch on that they were doing the "cutie mark coaching" thing! the story does feel weird at this point, that his wife signed him up for this against his will.... she's controlling the story, instead of the Link-pony most readers will want to read about. he seems like he's trying his best to satisfy his friends and family, but they're all pressuring him to quit his "job"
I like the humorous glow of this story, and I think it should be the main focus. Brave Heart shouldn't be in a passive role, I think it would work stronger if he was the driving force. perhaps if he was the one insisting on continuing his adventuring way of life, oblivious to how silly he acts in town, and he gradually learns his lesson. instead of just being handed a new job, with others telling him how to live his life, which seems almost depressing.
the main problem is the conflicting tones. revise this story to crank up the comedy level, and the "friendship lesson" won't necessarily be watered down. many FiM episodes do this, keeping things silly and entertaining until it's time to be serious.
and I did want to see more interaction with Next Gen, Button, Lyra, Bon-Bon. I know the CMC are cute and all, but maybe they could be replaced? Lyra already sorta does that in the ocarina scene.
hey wait, can't he just retire off all thoserupees jewels he hauled home?
I was expecting some kind of joke about Twilight Princess at the end there. heh heh.
the first scene's great. even without the references, the conversation starts out pretty entertaining, while giving a good picture of our characters. the way Lyra casually joins in adds a nice touch of humor. goofy potato flute! I would've liked to see more hints of their shared history together. the end of the scene feels like an awkward transition. so stopping by the shop wasn't really important, except to establish Brave's character?
scene 2 threw me for a loop. it repeats the bit about getting smacked in the face, but now the story doesn't look like a comedy anymore. hey this is a serious real-life problem, being disconnected from his family like that. also, Button is mentioned, but never shows up in the fic. now I feel sad!
the next couple of scenes go back to funny again, parodying the videogame material. it loses some clarity though, I didn't immediately catch on that they were doing the "cutie mark coaching" thing! the story does feel weird at this point, that his wife signed him up for this against his will.... she's controlling the story, instead of the Link-pony most readers will want to read about. he seems like he's trying his best to satisfy his friends and family, but they're all pressuring him to quit his "job"
I like the humorous glow of this story, and I think it should be the main focus. Brave Heart shouldn't be in a passive role, I think it would work stronger if he was the driving force. perhaps if he was the one insisting on continuing his adventuring way of life, oblivious to how silly he acts in town, and he gradually learns his lesson. instead of just being handed a new job, with others telling him how to live his life, which seems almost depressing.
the main problem is the conflicting tones. revise this story to crank up the comedy level, and the "friendship lesson" won't necessarily be watered down. many FiM episodes do this, keeping things silly and entertaining until it's time to be serious.
and I did want to see more interaction with Next Gen, Button, Lyra, Bon-Bon. I know the CMC are cute and all, but maybe they could be replaced? Lyra already sorta does that in the ocarina scene.
hey wait, can't he just retire off all those
I was expecting some kind of joke about Twilight Princess at the end there. heh heh.
Okay, I have to admit, I like “for peat’s sake” as a low-grade earth pony expletive.
The use of “kid” is a bit questionable, unless Kokirin had a sizable goat population.
The montage is amusing, but I think it might benefit from fleshing out each scene, giving more setup before delivering the punchline. Also, the frequent section breaks will probably look a lot better on Fimfiction than they do here.
In all, this was a fun story with some fascinating ideas, but there’s definitely room for improvement. Link may have a habit of doing whatever quest he’s assigned—especially when it comes from his princess—but as Haze noted, Brave Heart feels very passive when it comes to redefining his whole life. Also, Button Mash is relegated to a MacGuffin; he’s used as a reason for Brave to stop gallivanting about the land, but we never actually see father and son interact. You have a good base. Now you need to build on it.
The use of “kid” is a bit questionable, unless Kokirin had a sizable goat population.
The montage is amusing, but I think it might benefit from fleshing out each scene, giving more setup before delivering the punchline. Also, the frequent section breaks will probably look a lot better on Fimfiction than they do here.
In all, this was a fun story with some fascinating ideas, but there’s definitely room for improvement. Link may have a habit of doing whatever quest he’s assigned—especially when it comes from his princess—but as Haze noted, Brave Heart feels very passive when it comes to redefining his whole life. Also, Button Mash is relegated to a MacGuffin; he’s used as a reason for Brave to stop gallivanting about the land, but we never actually see father and son interact. You have a good base. Now you need to build on it.
There are lots of nice things here, like:
Very clever of you to note Link-pony's cutie-heart is part-empty and interpret that as a need for danger.
I'll agree with >>Haze : the story alternates between funny and serious, and Brave Heart doesn't seem to know what he's doing or have much agency. I gather he's been decommissioned & needs to find a new job? That probably needs to be made clearer.
"Gen's said nothing, her smile not shifting as her eyes narrowed." -- I thought this meant she was angry at him, so I didn't understand why he was with the CMC in the next scene. I agree with Haze that there are probably too many underdeveloped characters for you to use the CMC. We need some time with Button & other background ponies that matter to BH, because we need some emotional interaction important to BH to make the story important to us. That can't happen while he's going about town with the CMC.
I'm confused that Sweetie Drops is apparently Bon-Bon, even though the sign on her shop says Bon-Bon. Sweetie Drops is a Hasbro toy name, not her real name. :P I had to look it up because I've never seen anybody use it before in a story. When in fandom, do as the fans do. It's also confusing because there's another Sweetie in the story, and you call them both "Sweetie".
I guess my main problem is that the resolution doesn't feel like it would make BH happy. Being Twi's guard sounds pretty boring compared to his former work, especially since she doesn't feel the need for a guard (and doesn't need one, being the local big bad herself).
Come to think of it, I'd rather see this combined with the Luna's Concubine story. Being Luna's concubine--now that could be a hazardous job.
"Come on, Twilight, the other princesses have all been on your case to have some kind of guard. Especially Luna." Spike shuddered. "I really don’t want to burp out another epic poem on the subject."
Very clever of you to note Link-pony's cutie-heart is part-empty and interpret that as a need for danger.
I'll agree with >>Haze : the story alternates between funny and serious, and Brave Heart doesn't seem to know what he's doing or have much agency. I gather he's been decommissioned & needs to find a new job? That probably needs to be made clearer.
"Gen's said nothing, her smile not shifting as her eyes narrowed." -- I thought this meant she was angry at him, so I didn't understand why he was with the CMC in the next scene. I agree with Haze that there are probably too many underdeveloped characters for you to use the CMC. We need some time with Button & other background ponies that matter to BH, because we need some emotional interaction important to BH to make the story important to us. That can't happen while he's going about town with the CMC.
I'm confused that Sweetie Drops is apparently Bon-Bon, even though the sign on her shop says Bon-Bon. Sweetie Drops is a Hasbro toy name, not her real name. :P I had to look it up because I've never seen anybody use it before in a story. When in fandom, do as the fans do. It's also confusing because there's another Sweetie in the story, and you call them both "Sweetie".
I guess my main problem is that the resolution doesn't feel like it would make BH happy. Being Twi's guard sounds pretty boring compared to his former work, especially since she doesn't feel the need for a guard (and doesn't need one, being the local big bad herself).
Come to think of it, I'd rather see this combined with the Luna's Concubine story. Being Luna's concubine--now that could be a hazardous job.
>>Bad Horse
It's a show reference. In the 100th episode, Bon-Bon reveals to hergirlfriend wife best friend Lyra that she's a deep-cover secret agent for a decommissioned spy agency, and that her real name is Sweetie Drops.
So that's worked into the premise for this story.
I'm confused that Sweetie Drops is apparently Bon-Bon, even though the sign on her shop says Bon-Bon. Sweetie Drops is a Hasbro toy name, not her real name. :P I had to look it up because I've never seen anybody use it before in a story. When in fandom, do as the fans do. It's also confusing because there's another Sweetie in the story, and you call them both "Sweetie".
It's a show reference. In the 100th episode, Bon-Bon reveals to her
So that's worked into the premise for this story.
This story also got changlin|mposter's ridiculous and inappropriately comical voices reading treatment, and I believe this one actually got recorded. And now I can't read this without Brave sounding like Bane in my head.
This story isn't bad, but I think it needs to go more all-out with its comedy. It had plenty of funny parts, but other parts seemed to be a bit lacking in comedy. The parts where the CMC were trying to help Brave find a job were funny, but they also didn't really seem liked they fit to me. The final line was great, and I really should have seen it coming.
This story isn't bad, but I think it needs to go more all-out with its comedy. It had plenty of funny parts, but other parts seemed to be a bit lacking in comedy. The parts where the CMC were trying to help Brave find a job were funny, but they also didn't really seem liked they fit to me. The final line was great, and I really should have seen it coming.
This is fun-ridiculous in many ways. I think though it relies a little too heavily on 'Look its Link wink wink nudge nudge' jokes that could be improved by;...I admit I am not certain what improvement suggestion to throw out.
Fun idea, but haphazard in execution. A lot of things are thrown in here, and the story doesn't really commit to any of them. The "secret agent" thing is a great explanation for why Link (and other cross-over characters) are in Ponyville under thin disguises, but that's quickly dropped and isn't the focus. Next, he has a wife worried about him... but that's quickly overlooked, because it's his son(?) Button that matters. At this point, we're really stretching the video game references.
It took me a minute to realize why the CMC were involved, so that needs work for sure. The montage of pony-Link doing game-Link things (chickens, really?) completely contradicts the serious "for the wife and kid" tone that'd we'd only just started to settle into. The final resolution is... well, it makes perfect sense, but in a boring way that is neither funny, nor prosaic to some deeper meaning of life. It actually would've been better if he'd taken to pottery, with some joke about learning he could interact with it using hands, instead of just swords and boomerangs.
Overall, a lot of great little gems (pun intended) throughout, but the overall story is too scattered to really sell me.
It took me a minute to realize why the CMC were involved, so that needs work for sure. The montage of pony-Link doing game-Link things (chickens, really?) completely contradicts the serious "for the wife and kid" tone that'd we'd only just started to settle into. The final resolution is... well, it makes perfect sense, but in a boring way that is neither funny, nor prosaic to some deeper meaning of life. It actually would've been better if he'd taken to pottery, with some joke about learning he could interact with it using hands, instead of just swords and boomerangs.
Overall, a lot of great little gems (pun intended) throughout, but the overall story is too scattered to really sell me.
Most of this was lost on me, and I felt like I was missing the joke. Turns out I was, since I had no idea until I got to the comments that it was a crossover-thingie (and no, I didn't click the link in the text, nor would I have understood it if I had). So I'm not convinced the story stood on its own two feet. Then again, I'm clearly not the intended audience.
He Come to Town
Well, I made the finals and beat the other Nintendo crossover. That’s sort of a win. ;P
In all seriousness, I wrote this specifically to counterbalance the wave of doom and gloom I feared the prompt would bring, to end a more personal era and do it in a lighthearted manner. Also, I’ve been sitting on the idea almost since “Flutter Brutter” aired and this was the perfect opportunity to flesh it out. I added the Derpibooru link* to the start since, as was noted at the start of this round, not everyone’s up to date, and even those who are may not have noticed the blink-and-you’ll-miss-it cameo.
*For the record, I only realized the accidental pun there after submitting the story
The key problem is clear: I couldn’t decide how serious the story was supposed to be, and tonal inconsistency dragged it down as a result. Kind of ironic given my intentions going in, but I thought too much about it as I wrote it, which denatured the comedy as I explored the scenario with a more serious eye. It’s all well and good to consider the toll adventuring takes on one’s home life, but it blends poorly with getting chased by angry chickens. At least, it does here. I’m going to need to decide which direction I should take it in.
Another issue that I hadn’t noticed until the reviews started coming in is Brave Heart’s passivity and lack of agency. As I noted in my dummy review, that’s actually par for the course with Link, but that doesn’t make it good storytelling. Besides, short stories and video games are very different media, and what works in one doesn’t automatically work in the other. No, I’m going to need to give the ostensible protagonist of the story a bit more say in it.
On a related note, there’s Button Mash. Or, more accurately, there isn’t. Next Generation may use him as a rhetorical weapon, but he never actually shows up in the story. I considered a scene where the Crusaders speak with him during recess one day before they apologize to Brave, but scrapped it for fear that moving the narrative focus away from Brave Heart might prove disruptive. Somehow, a scene between father and son never occurred to me during the writing period. Definitely something I”ll need to include in the Fimfiction version.
In all, I definitely could’ve written better, but I didn’t really see how until I got a bunch of eyes on it. The Writeoff did its job, and now I can do mine. Thanks for the feedback, everyone. Congratulations to the medalists, and here's to next time. ^^
Well, I made the finals and beat the other Nintendo crossover. That’s sort of a win. ;P
In all seriousness, I wrote this specifically to counterbalance the wave of doom and gloom I feared the prompt would bring, to end a more personal era and do it in a lighthearted manner. Also, I’ve been sitting on the idea almost since “Flutter Brutter” aired and this was the perfect opportunity to flesh it out. I added the Derpibooru link* to the start since, as was noted at the start of this round, not everyone’s up to date, and even those who are may not have noticed the blink-and-you’ll-miss-it cameo.
*For the record, I only realized the accidental pun there after submitting the story
The key problem is clear: I couldn’t decide how serious the story was supposed to be, and tonal inconsistency dragged it down as a result. Kind of ironic given my intentions going in, but I thought too much about it as I wrote it, which denatured the comedy as I explored the scenario with a more serious eye. It’s all well and good to consider the toll adventuring takes on one’s home life, but it blends poorly with getting chased by angry chickens. At least, it does here. I’m going to need to decide which direction I should take it in.
Another issue that I hadn’t noticed until the reviews started coming in is Brave Heart’s passivity and lack of agency. As I noted in my dummy review, that’s actually par for the course with Link, but that doesn’t make it good storytelling. Besides, short stories and video games are very different media, and what works in one doesn’t automatically work in the other. No, I’m going to need to give the ostensible protagonist of the story a bit more say in it.
On a related note, there’s Button Mash. Or, more accurately, there isn’t. Next Generation may use him as a rhetorical weapon, but he never actually shows up in the story. I considered a scene where the Crusaders speak with him during recess one day before they apologize to Brave, but scrapped it for fear that moving the narrative focus away from Brave Heart might prove disruptive. Somehow, a scene between father and son never occurred to me during the writing period. Definitely something I”ll need to include in the Fimfiction version.
In all, I definitely could’ve written better, but I didn’t really see how until I got a bunch of eyes on it. The Writeoff did its job, and now I can do mine. Thanks for the feedback, everyone. Congratulations to the medalists, and here's to next time. ^^
>>FanOfMostEverything
Nintendo would like me to remind you that it didn't actually make Pokémon GO.
Yes, I know how the relation between Nintendo and Pokémon works. I'm just trying to make a joke here.
Well, I made the finals and beat the other Nintendo crossover. That’s sort of a win. ;P
Nintendo would like me to remind you that it didn't actually make Pokémon GO.