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The Long Road Home · Original Short Story ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 2000–8000
Show rules for this event
#201 ·
· on The World I Once Called Home
>>ZaidValRoa
>>Not_A_Hat
>>horizon
>>Crimmar
>>TheCyanRecluse

Thank you all for your feedback. I agree wholeheartedly that the ending was rushed, and in a future draft I will work on that. I will also connect the two narratives more, and just polish the whole thing. Again, thanks.
#202 ·
· on 10:48PM · >>Not_A_Hat
>>Cassius

Fight me.

Nah, seriously though, I'm glad I got a reply like this, so I can hash out the issue a bit more.

When I raise the issue of anthropomorphism, I'm not saying I read this story as having any sort of sentient fate, or a god, or anything like that. I refer to the fact that the universe in-story reacts as if (a) ought-to-have-happened is a fundamental notion that can be corrected for, and (b) dying is a fundamental notion that is recorded. These are both thoroughly human (or organic) notions.

Or, if you like, the story seems predicated on the notion that, whether it's dumb as a sack of bricks or not, the fate machine not only has goals relating to the lives of individual people, but that it takes active steps to ensure those goals are forced through (on a scale of minutes to days -- a very human timescale) when it sees those goals aren't happening.

If you do want to push back the notion that fate in any way cares, then it might be a good idea to have events look more like a machine going wrong. Like, say, some other guy's head exploding as if shot at that very moment. Or, if this goes beyond just deaths, half of the continent vanishing completely. All the sorts of weird, buggy behaviour that pops up is fed a wrong number somewhere. (Come to think if, I quite like that idea -- it's still anthropomorphic, but taken in a different direction.)

Well, this is more a matter of perspective of what Jo is talking about here contextually.


Okay, maybe I am misreading this. The context is given by Matt in the previous line -- it's about whether she has had anything to do with the disaster. Now, as I understand it, Jo screwed about with time, which effectively caused the disaster. I genuinely can't see how to spin that as "I didn't do anything."


Well no. When confronted with something completely supernatural, Matt finds refuge in far-fetched and unlikely rationalizations rather than simply admit the event is supernatural.


That's an understandable reaction, but I don't think it should be prefaced by saying he's a man of reason. I'd assume the rational response to a weird event like this would be "I don't know what happened, and I don't want to settle on any hypotheses until I know more."

Incidentally, aside from the problems above, I think you'd improve the story a great deal if it was about a time-travelling parent trying to protect their child.
#203 ·
· on 10:48PM
>>Scramblers and Shadows
If you do want to push back the notion that fate in any way cares, then it might be a good idea to have events look more like a machine going wrong. Like, say, some other guy's head exploding as if shot at that very moment.


This is actually what I expected from the original descriptions of what was going on. At about the time the characters were sitting in the booth at Denny's or wherever, I thought that what had happened was that since one cause and effect was undone, the rest would slowly collapse. So, like, someone might get hit by a car that wasn't there, because it had stopped for the MC earlier, disassociating it from its effect by contact with someone who was unaccounted for by the system. This sort of thing would eventually feed on itself and cascade until causality was completely unrecognizable and chaos reigned.

When we got to the earthquake I was pretty sure that wasn't it, though, because I don't think there's any way a human could cause an earthquake - or fail to defuse an earthquake, perhaps.

EDIT: Also, guessing your story was a fluke. Sorry. :P
#204 · 2
· on A Fairy and Her Hero
>>Cold in Gardez >>Not_A_Hat >>ZaidValRoa >>GroaningGreyAgony

Holy crap, I got a medal! Almost two years of writeoffs now, and I've finally got my digital claws on that shiny piece of internet silver. Muahahahaa.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed this story. Your feedback is all pretty valid. Ultimately this story was written in a bit of a rush. I was super busy that weekend, and didn't get a solid chunk of writing time until Sunday afternoon.

In a way, this story is kind of a "proof of concept" idea for a longer novel. I had the basic premise in mind awhile ago, of "heroic quest told from the perspective of the fairy companion." With the focus of the story not being on whatever generic fantasy bullshit is going on, but instead about the relationship between the two characters.

The prompt "a long road home" is what gave me the starting point of having Ismerelda being reincarnated and losing her memories.

As premise, I think it could definitely cover an entire book. Although I'd have to turn the "generic fantasy bullshit" into something actually interesting and meaningful, beyond just serving as the backdrop of a relationship story. And that's hard, I hate worldbuilding.

Zelda was a pretty obvious inspiration here. I even listened to the OST while writing it. Although I realized at the end of the story that I'd accidentally cribbed some stuff from Brandon Sanderson's "Stormlight Archives" as well.

I'll see you all again in the pony short story contest!
#205 ·
·
Well, that was a blast. See you all next time!
#206 ·
· on The River Lady
Congrats to our winners! I didn't manage to read every finalist entry like I usually try to, but I did read our three medalists, and they were all very well-deserved!

First off, I wanna apologize for my spotty review participation this round. Life really decided to kick my ass this week. My computer's power supply unit died last Saturday, and the replacement came in yesterday. But after I put the new PSU in, it looked like it was faulty too, cause it fried my HDD and my optical drive. So until I can get a refund on that and get replacement parts for all three, my desktop's out of commission. And today, a regular car tune-up and oil change at the mechanic's turned into a 500 dollar fiasco. This all decided to happen while I'm in between debit cards, so I've been having to bump money around bank accounts and borrow a lot from my brother to get it all taken care of. On top of everything, I start a new job tomorrow, which I still don't feel qualified for at all.

Somebody send help. Lots of it.

Retrospective: The River Lady

So, I decided to try my hand at a fairy tale this round, and I'm actually really surprised that this did so well! Like I mentioned earlier in the thread, I really had no ideas for this prompt until Saturday night, so basically all of the writing happened on Sunday. It was a bit of a race to the finish from the beginning, and I'm not entirely pleased with how parts of this turned out. Still, there must be something here that people liked, or at the very least, aren't offended by. :twilightblush:

The idea for this one actually originally came to me as King Arthur fanfiction, with the Lady being the Lady of the Lake. In the course of doing research on British bodies of water, however, I stumbled onto a news article, talking about the restoration of the Thames river. For some reason, I really latched onto that idea as a conflict, and kind of tweaked my story to fit. I was actually really debating whether or not to put a little blurb at the end, talking about how the Thames was declared ecologically dead in the 1960's, before winning the Theiss River prize in 2010 for its restoration. In the end, I thought it might have sounded too preachy, so I left it out.

>>ZaidValRoa
>>georg
Thank you! I'm very glad you guys enjoyed it!

>>Not_A_Hat
Yeah, I totally agree. If I were reviewing this story, I'd definitely mention that it has issues with carving out its stakes and handling its resolution. And yes, that line was probably a bit dopey of me to include, in hindsight. Thanks for your thoughts!

>>ShortNSweet
To my great embarrassment, I have actually not yet seen Spirited Away. After I saw Princess Mononoke back in freshman year of college, I resolved to also watch other great anime films, like Spirited Away, Akira, and My Neighbor Totoro. Five years later, I still haven't gotten around to seeing any of them. :S

But you are absolutely correct about Shel Silverstein and C.S. Lewis being inspirations, especially for the prose style. Another big source of inspiration was a book of Arthurian legends I read growing up. I've never written a fairy tale before, so I relied on them a lot to get down the pacing, tone, and general feel of the writing.

And I totally understand what you're saying about needing more depth. This was a bit of a rush job, and I wasn't sure were I was going with the themes outside of a very surface level. Thanks for your feedback!

>>Scramblers and Shadows
A big part of what I was trying to do with the narration was to avoid dialogue and names in scenes outside of the Lady's haven, in order to give her haven a unique mood. I was also hoping that it would make the places where I do use their names feel more significant. But if it didn't work, I understand how that would come across as inconsistent and frustrating.

The whole thing about war wasn't so much supposed to be a theme as it was supposed to show a bit of contrast between Adam and the Lady's way of thinking. She's supposed to be pretty alien in a lot of ways, especially with how she views death and dying. Again, I was probably not clear about this at all, and I totally see where you're coming from.

And yes, I also agree with your observations about the general flatness of the characters and the resolution. I've got a lot to learn, and I appreciate your insight!
#207 · 2
· on Oaths
Briefly: This was a tough round for everyone, I think (myself included). I'm honored to have medaled, but I agree with the comments pointing out the story's flaws.

As I noted in chat, this was originally intended to be a sort of Game-of-Thrones blood opera with everyone dying — the fae snatching Jakob from the edge of the road after he got too close, and then turning into him and having the captain pull "Jakob" onto the road to save him, freeing them to wreak havoc like a vampire invited inside — but as I was writing I came up with a less bleak and more compelling plot and changed it on the fly. Unfortunately, I think I overcorrected, and wrote in a happy ending that the story would have been stronger without. Having the captain end the story by sitting down on the road to wait would have worked better.

The angle with the slave trading was more or less planned from the beginning, but the captain's regrets and introspection and decision to free them was all part of the impromptu rewrite (along with Anastasia's death and the confrontation with Gerel). So, yes, I definitely could have focused on humanizing them further.

The first is the line Jakob says: "That was her voice."

That was meant to refer to the stolen voice of his niece Yulia. Sorry it wasn't clear.

Anyway.

Congratulations to Oroboro for a first-time medal! Congratulations also to Fahrenheit, who as far as I'm concerned won this round, in between the poetry and a story that I think was more polished than mine. And to all of us: Keep your chin up. Original fiction is massively harder than ponyfic -- sometimes intimidatingly so -- because there are so many more balls you have to juggle. A big benefit of the Writeoffs is in providing feedback to get your story from rough to polished, and there's a huge amount of potential in this round's entries that another cycle of revisions can bring out.

See you all for the pony round!
#208 · 2
· on No Shortcuts
>>Not_A_Hat >>horizon >>Cassius >>Scramblers and Shadows >>Cold in Gardez >>Cassius

I apologize for my absence; I’ve been busier with work than usual lately. Thank you all for your comments and criticism.

This story formed from an idea I’ve been kicking around for a while; I’d been thinking about trying it in comic format, but the prompt catalyzed it as a short story. The problem behind its core is (spoilered for painful and possibly dangerous idea) “If Robin Williams and Hunter S. Thompson and Thomas M. Disch and David Foster Wallace found this world not to be worth it… what am I waiting for? Why do they get to give up and leave while I have to stay?” I wondered if it was possible to construct a reassuring parable that might work for atheists, and this is my first attempt at the same.

I wanted to be as unspecific as possible, suggesting rather than stating, to encourage readers to form their own connections to the idea. I seem to have gone too far in this direction (amid the usual fumblings of composing a story under time pressure). I’ll probably let this cook a while longer and try a full rewrite, or just treat this as a first draft of a script for a graphic interpretation such as I originally planned.

Thanks again!
#209 ·
· on Traveling Time
Whoops, I forgot to put in my admission.

Confession for Traveling Time - Woot, sixth place out of twenty-two isn’t bad, particularly considering the company I’m keeping in that slot, the stupidly short period of time I spent writing (Mom had a health issue I had to help with), and the handcuffs I stuck on the plot.

Summary in short: A modern wizard who dared to try traveling in time despite the better advice of his peers is lost in the timestream, with every effort he makes to change his path failing. In the story, he meets his previous self, and begins to follow that thread back toward the timespace of his bad decision. Hopefully, he can survive until then and emerge back into the world. I even have a dialogue worked out for this.


The flashing sorcerous lights and burning incense faded, revealing the wizard still seated in the middle of his circle of runes and magical wards, now all charred and burnt beyond repair. The apprentice peeked from around the wall where he had taken refuge when the spell had begun and considered the molten stone now cooling on the walls and the subject of the spell, seemingly unaffected.

“Master?” he ventured, hoping there was no demonic infestation involved. Those were always a pain to clean up. “Master?” he repeated, in the hopes of getting an answer this time.

“Yes,” said the wizard, although he took a deep breath afterward and squinched his eyes together. “Yes,” he repeated before opening one eye and regarding his apprentice with a wry quirk in the corner of his lips.

“Did the spell fail?” asked the apprentice. “You’re still here.” He winced after making the statement, as if he had just declared the sky to be blue or the thaumetric field to be slippery.

“Everybody’s gotta be somewhere,” said the wizard. He got up and picked his way out of the charred circle and over to the apprentice, who was still running through a few rudimentary cantrips for the detection of demonic possession or loose spirits, just in case.

“Oh. So it did fail.” The apprentice heaved a sigh. “I suppose I should get to work cleaning up so you can try again.”

“Not a chance.” The wizard clapped a hand on the apprentice’s shoulder and turned him toward the door. “We’re going to go down to the auto dealer, pick out a red convertible, and do a little driving today. Life’s too short to repeat. You just need to grab all of it you can the first time around.”

“Can I—” started the apprentice.

“Yes,” said the master with a sigh and a grin. “I’ll let you drive it too.”



>>Cold in Gardez
>>Scramblers and Shadows
>>Not_A_Hat

The major restriction on this story is, of course, agency. The POV character has almost zero ability to affect the world around him, because if he even tries, he gets swept away by the timestream and into another body before he can trigger a paradox. This is (pardon the word) huuuuge. The turning point comes when he realizes he’s been trying to affect the world when he should have been trying to affect himself (the himself that is skipping through time, not the himselves he’s been visiting).

>>Crimmar
>>ZaidValRoa

Quantum Leap (5 seasons - 89-93) is well worth the DVD and holds together despite being twenty five years old (ouch, I feel like a fossil), but in it, Sam Beckett is actively trying to fix time problems to prevent paradox (so he has agency).

The actual goal of this was to write a character without agency and see what direction his decisions would go on account of this. I think I did a fair job, but could have done better. I really need to work on my gentle touch.

Naa, I think I’ll keep ripping people’s hearts out with cute little ponies :)