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Whoa. This was the first story on my slate, and it was a great start. I enjoyed each individual 'story', though they are more similar to sketches than standalone stories, as you mentioned yourself in the text. While I enjoyed the meta, I thought it could have been toned down, allowing for more storytelling. Overall, great job. Frankly, I fear that this has raised my expectations for the rest of my slate unfairly. Which is a good thing.
First off, though it is well written, many of the issues I found have more to do with the story, and less with the actual writing. The main thing that struck me as peculiar from the very start is the way Applejack is portrayed. She seems very out of character and kinda lacks emotion. Because of this, she comes of as a bit cold, which makes the Rarijack scene all the more surprising.
On the subject of that scene, I'm afraid that I agree with many of the other reviewers on the fact that it's a bit out of place, like it was taken from another piece and placed here to boost the word count. Which is a shame, because I almost enjoyed that story more than the main plot, though they don't really connect. A recommendation for this, if it's absolutely vital that you keep the Rarijack scene, would be to add more connections to the main story, other than the bit about Carrot Top.
Another issue is that, though I did find the idea of utilizing necromancy on the farm, and the concept of this being something every farm in Equestria has been doing for what I assume to be several generations, I feel there was not enough buildup. I feel that Applejack possibly making comments or having thoughts earlier in the story that were indirectly related to the necromancy could have built up a sense of dread, which would definitely work for this style of story. However, the surprise ending did have its benefits as well, most of all the shock factor. Another thing about the conclusion was that it did seem a bit impractical, and, as I already mentioned, out of character for both Big Mac and AJ. What I mean by this is that their parents come to life every day to work on the farm, yet everyone is fine with allowing Apple Bloom to think her parents are gone forever, or at least let her think this until AJ decides it's time to tell her.
Finally, Applejack's dialogue is a bit difficult to understand, though I can not fault the author too much for this, as it is no easy feat to nail her accent in written form while both maintaining it's authenticity and keeping it easy for the reader as well.
So, in short, although it may seem like there was quite a bit of criticism, it was largely easy fixes and minor errors that are simply a side effect of writing with a time constraint such as the one in a writeoff. I applaud the effort you put into this, and overall it was an entertaining read.
On the subject of that scene, I'm afraid that I agree with many of the other reviewers on the fact that it's a bit out of place, like it was taken from another piece and placed here to boost the word count. Which is a shame, because I almost enjoyed that story more than the main plot, though they don't really connect. A recommendation for this, if it's absolutely vital that you keep the Rarijack scene, would be to add more connections to the main story, other than the bit about Carrot Top.
Another issue is that, though I did find the idea of utilizing necromancy on the farm, and the concept of this being something every farm in Equestria has been doing for what I assume to be several generations, I feel there was not enough buildup. I feel that Applejack possibly making comments or having thoughts earlier in the story that were indirectly related to the necromancy could have built up a sense of dread, which would definitely work for this style of story. However, the surprise ending did have its benefits as well, most of all the shock factor. Another thing about the conclusion was that it did seem a bit impractical, and, as I already mentioned, out of character for both Big Mac and AJ. What I mean by this is that their parents come to life every day to work on the farm, yet everyone is fine with allowing Apple Bloom to think her parents are gone forever, or at least let her think this until AJ decides it's time to tell her.
Finally, Applejack's dialogue is a bit difficult to understand, though I can not fault the author too much for this, as it is no easy feat to nail her accent in written form while both maintaining it's authenticity and keeping it easy for the reader as well.
So, in short, although it may seem like there was quite a bit of criticism, it was largely easy fixes and minor errors that are simply a side effect of writing with a time constraint such as the one in a writeoff. I applaud the effort you put into this, and overall it was an entertaining read.
>>ZaidValRoa
>>Not_A_Hat
>>horizon
>>Crimmar
>>TheCyanRecluse
Thank you all for your feedback. I agree wholeheartedly that the ending was rushed, and in a future draft I will work on that. I will also connect the two narratives more, and just polish the whole thing. Again, thanks.
>>Not_A_Hat
>>horizon
>>Crimmar
>>TheCyanRecluse
Thank you all for your feedback. I agree wholeheartedly that the ending was rushed, and in a future draft I will work on that. I will also connect the two narratives more, and just polish the whole thing. Again, thanks.