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>>Monokeras
Come on, now. The proper balance is to take reader opinions into account and weigh them against one's own convictions. I don't dismiss them as "crap" - I just conclude in some cases that I can't please both a particular reader and myself at the same time. Tastes differ between people. That's fine.
There's no need for your apology, and I did not mean my own comment to be particularly negative. I felt "weird" in the "curious" sense, not the "bad" sense. I value all the feedback I get, even in those cases when I don't directly follow it.
Come on, now. The proper balance is to take reader opinions into account and weigh them against one's own convictions. I don't dismiss them as "crap" - I just conclude in some cases that I can't please both a particular reader and myself at the same time. Tastes differ between people. That's fine.
There's no need for your apology, and I did not mean my own comment to be particularly negative. I felt "weird" in the "curious" sense, not the "bad" sense. I value all the feedback I get, even in those cases when I don't directly follow it.
Congrats on first place!
>>TheCyanRecluse
Heh. In a way. In its lack of detail the story flirts with being as bland and generic as "An earth pony falls in love with a seapony. So he becomes a seapony, and they live happily together in the sea." And yet it manages to be engaging and emotionally resonates and it's hard to tell where or even if it ever crosses over into having developed characters and setting in the typical sense.
It does, yet somehow hides that it does?
I dunno. I can't word good, apparently in both my entry and in my comments.
Please just take away that I really liked this one, and I think of it as having an atypical spartan style that is to your credit.
>>TheCyanRecluse
I'll just take the whole 'vague-bordering-on-pointlessness' thing as a compliment then....?
Heh. In a way. In its lack of detail the story flirts with being as bland and generic as "An earth pony falls in love with a seapony. So he becomes a seapony, and they live happily together in the sea." And yet it manages to be engaging and emotionally resonates and it's hard to tell where or even if it ever crosses over into having developed characters and setting in the typical sense.
It does, yet somehow hides that it does?
I dunno. I can't word good, apparently in both my entry and in my comments.
Please just take away that I really liked this one, and I think of it as having an atypical spartan style that is to your credit.
>>Not_Worthy2
I have to say that the criticism you have received (including mine) can indeed seem unhelpfully vague. A full editing pass, going line by line with someone pointing out which details don't work or don't make sense, would be the proper thing to do here, and would be far more educational than anything you've received as feedback so far.
For reasons I'd rather not get into, I'm not that person right now. But don't be so hard on yourself. This story is not "garbage". I've read garbage. This isn't it. This is a "fixer-upper".
I have to say that the criticism you have received (including mine) can indeed seem unhelpfully vague. A full editing pass, going line by line with someone pointing out which details don't work or don't make sense, would be the proper thing to do here, and would be far more educational than anything you've received as feedback so far.
For reasons I'd rather not get into, I'm not that person right now. But don't be so hard on yourself. This story is not "garbage". I've read garbage. This isn't it. This is a "fixer-upper".
Well, I can at least say I wrote one thing this year. That's a pretty low bar, but hey, it's something.
Really, this story came out of a sense that I wanted to write something for this writeoff, so it was in part forced. I picked out a random idea I had filed away in my brain's "maybe" file a while back, and figured out a way to make it match the prompt.
Immediately after starting to write I ran into problems. I initially saw this story as I "suggested" (>>Rolo); that is, with the interrogation being the bulk of the story and the switched-bodies explanation serving as the punchline that follows. Yet when I tried to write it, the punchline just grew into a full section of its own. The result was two scenes that were balanced in length - not what I had tried for, but something I though would still pass. I then switched the order of the scenes. The story went from "Yeah, this is a cool idea!" to "Eh, I guess this sorta works."
The comments here have enlightened me to another problem: The interrogation section is too squicky and humourless. I think it's the slap that does it. I paused when adding that in, but I figured a tiny bit of violence would make for good spice. Seems not. I think it may have worked better in the original scene order, going from serious to funny, while the inverse just leaves the reader uncomfortable.
The submission was disappointing from the start, though as with all my writing, I did grow more fond of it. Call it narcissism. I'm surprised that I made finals with this, yet sad that it ended up ranked so low. It's all a weird mix. Nevertheless, I thank everyone who commented or voted.
>>CoffeeMinion
Really, geez, Rainbow wasn't trying to rape Cadance! She just saw an opportunity for a prank. Probably wanted to stuff some of Cadance's lingere into Shining's wardrobe or something lame like that. I guess I really failed at getting the tone right.
>>Monokeras
This comment, among others, leaves me feeling weird. It questions the very word choices that I like the most in my own writing. It's not the first time this has happened and (hopefully) won't be the last. No hard feelings, obviously, but that's not something I'm planning to change.
And the Crystal Sun-Blossom is a magic crystal flower-thing that switches ponies' bodies around. I didn't think it through much more than that. It could have been called "Magical Plot Device #187".
Nice job to everyone who participated. Congrats to the medalists. For whatever it's worth, my own top 6 favourite fics this time, in order:
Data Doesn't Lie by horizon (Really, only seventh place?! This was as close to perfection as it gets!)
The Sphinx by Cold in Gardez
The Lighthouse and the Sea by TheCyanRecluse
Shooting for the Moon by Trick_Question
The Apprentice by Cold in Gardez (Hey, buddy, not fair getting on this list twice!)
Threads by Ceffyl_Dwr
Really, this story came out of a sense that I wanted to write something for this writeoff, so it was in part forced. I picked out a random idea I had filed away in my brain's "maybe" file a while back, and figured out a way to make it match the prompt.
Immediately after starting to write I ran into problems. I initially saw this story as I "suggested" (>>Rolo); that is, with the interrogation being the bulk of the story and the switched-bodies explanation serving as the punchline that follows. Yet when I tried to write it, the punchline just grew into a full section of its own. The result was two scenes that were balanced in length - not what I had tried for, but something I though would still pass. I then switched the order of the scenes. The story went from "Yeah, this is a cool idea!" to "Eh, I guess this sorta works."
The comments here have enlightened me to another problem: The interrogation section is too squicky and humourless. I think it's the slap that does it. I paused when adding that in, but I figured a tiny bit of violence would make for good spice. Seems not. I think it may have worked better in the original scene order, going from serious to funny, while the inverse just leaves the reader uncomfortable.
The submission was disappointing from the start, though as with all my writing, I did grow more fond of it. Call it narcissism. I'm surprised that I made finals with this, yet sad that it ended up ranked so low. It's all a weird mix. Nevertheless, I thank everyone who commented or voted.
>>CoffeeMinion
Really, geez, Rainbow wasn't trying to rape Cadance! She just saw an opportunity for a prank. Probably wanted to stuff some of Cadance's lingere into Shining's wardrobe or something lame like that. I guess I really failed at getting the tone right.
>>Monokeras
This comment, among others, leaves me feeling weird. It questions the very word choices that I like the most in my own writing. It's not the first time this has happened and (hopefully) won't be the last. No hard feelings, obviously, but that's not something I'm planning to change.
And the Crystal Sun-Blossom is a magic crystal flower-thing that switches ponies' bodies around. I didn't think it through much more than that. It could have been called "Magical Plot Device #187".
Nice job to everyone who participated. Congrats to the medalists. For whatever it's worth, my own top 6 favourite fics this time, in order:
Data Doesn't Lie by horizon (Really, only seventh place?! This was as close to perfection as it gets!)
The Sphinx by Cold in Gardez
The Lighthouse and the Sea by TheCyanRecluse
Shooting for the Moon by Trick_Question
The Apprentice by Cold in Gardez (Hey, buddy, not fair getting on this list twice!)
Threads by Ceffyl_Dwr
>>Exuno
It has a vagueness-bordering-on-pointlessness to it that is endearing, yes. It's less the kind of story written down in a novel, and more the kind of story that is told from memory by an elderly uncle, with details that were once important but have atrophied in retellings. That is the charm, and I like this one for doing it well enough to hook me.
It has a vagueness-bordering-on-pointlessness to it that is endearing, yes. It's less the kind of story written down in a novel, and more the kind of story that is told from memory by an elderly uncle, with details that were once important but have atrophied in retellings. That is the charm, and I like this one for doing it well enough to hook me.
Re: other comments saying "Why are these clearly unprepared guards on such an important mission?"
Really, guys, considering the professionalism, intelligence, and fighting skill the average Royal Guards display in-canon, the soldiers in this story must all be legendary heroes of Equestria, every one.
Really, guys, considering the professionalism, intelligence, and fighting skill the average Royal Guards display in-canon, the soldiers in this story must all be legendary heroes of Equestria, every one.
The basic plot and the humour are pretty good. The joke is solid, though a little dated. I'd like to like it more, but for me it falls flat for simple technical reasons.
There are grammar issues sprinkled throughout, some of the descriptions are a tad confusing, forcing a second read to understand what's going on, and in other places they are too simplistic, lacking immersive power. There's nothing fatally wrong with it, but all those little flaws add up to drive me away from "being there". To paraphrase Family Guy: "I'm very aware that I'm reading something on a screen right now."
It's a good story - it just needs to be told in better words. A good editor or two would probably do wonders here.
There are grammar issues sprinkled throughout, some of the descriptions are a tad confusing, forcing a second read to understand what's going on, and in other places they are too simplistic, lacking immersive power. There's nothing fatally wrong with it, but all those little flaws add up to drive me away from "being there". To paraphrase Family Guy: "I'm very aware that I'm reading something on a screen right now."
It's a good story - it just needs to be told in better words. A good editor or two would probably do wonders here.
>>Trick_Question
By most people's standards I'm pretty damn perverted, but I didn't think of that until it was mentioned.
I thought "Winking" was meant to be a fourth-wall thing; she's the author winking his eye to the audience in a "You-see-what-I'm-doing-here-haha" way.
By most people's standards I'm pretty damn perverted, but I didn't think of that until it was mentioned.
I thought "Winking" was meant to be a fourth-wall thing; she's the author winking his eye to the audience in a "You-see-what-I'm-doing-here-haha" way.
Ranked at #2 on my slate.
I do love how well the story is told in the extremely limited word count. Just a beautiful use of the language. It's a simple story, but a satisfying one. It's quite odd to see a different reader wishing that Beacon drowned; a story is not more meaningful or profound for ending in tragedy. This one works for me; it's just ambiguous enough to give a sense of unsettling exoticism, but optimistic enough to leave the reader without feeling like they've been punched in the gut.
Great material.
>>TitaniumDragon
For whatever it's worth, I just screwed up and I withdraw any complaint I had in this regard. Really, it was made perfectly clear with this exchange:
As for "Twilight's sister", that's even more clear, but I think I misread "sister" as "Sparkle"; in any case I was certain the last line belonged to Twilight herself.
So... yeah. My fault, completely.
Also, given how many people asked whose sibling Winking Star was, I obviously did a bad job with that.
For whatever it's worth, I just screwed up and I withdraw any complaint I had in this regard. Really, it was made perfectly clear with this exchange:
“We were just talking about all our siblings.”
“Oh. I hope Twilight didn’t say anything too mean about me.”
As for "Twilight's sister", that's even more clear, but I think I misread "sister" as "Sparkle"; in any case I was certain the last line belonged to Twilight herself.
So... yeah. My fault, completely.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Eh. I see complaints about LUS so often I feel like it's way too automatic a criticism. I admit it's subjective, but I personally don't much like names being repeated back and forth. A bit of physical description, so long as it's not confusing, keeps the semantics fresh and efficiently reinforces the visual-physical feel of a scene. In this specific case, I'm not too bothered by it.
My issue with this story is that one of the two halves should be shorter. As it is, the second scene is a punchline that is way too drawn out and overstays its welcome, to the point of becoming awkward. Still, I can appreciate what it's doing; it's just rather clunky at it.
I can also see this working with the second scene given first, then a couple of paragraphs of the first scene to give the ending punchline.
Eh. I see complaints about LUS so often I feel like it's way too automatic a criticism. I admit it's subjective, but I personally don't much like names being repeated back and forth. A bit of physical description, so long as it's not confusing, keeps the semantics fresh and efficiently reinforces the visual-physical feel of a scene. In this specific case, I'm not too bothered by it.
My issue with this story is that one of the two halves should be shorter. As it is, the second scene is a punchline that is way too drawn out and overstays its welcome, to the point of becoming awkward. Still, I can appreciate what it's doing; it's just rather clunky at it.
I can also see this working with the second scene given first, then a couple of paragraphs of the first scene to give the ending punchline.
>>Trick_Question
This is very much a matter of personal preference. I actually love long, journeyeing sentences with layers of description - IF they are made to flow well and guide the reader along without confusion. The construction you pointed out is actually very well done, to my eyes, and if I were to be - or am - the author of this piece, I suspect I would be - or am - mighty satisfied with it.
That aside, it took me a bit of time to figure out why this story does feel like "2 stories that gradually wind together like a rope" (as >>Haze said). It's because Scootaloo's perspective is dropped two-thirds through. The story starts off being told through her eyes, and the subjective descriptions certainly seem to belong to her. But as soon as Applejack is introduced, it's like Scootaloo evaporates completely; the established POV character disappears from under the reader. That's why it feels like an unrelated story has suddenly appeared out of nowhere.
The story would be well-served, I think, by having a bit more of Scootaloo's feeling or thoughts, specifically about Applejack, added. Her wondering that the shouting is all about; maybe asking about it. If the author wants to keep it subtle, maybe just watching to see if Rainbow will react. Just... something there to keep Scootaloo in the story.
This kind of construction is awkward, and you have a few sentences like these. Think about whether you're saying something redundant or not when you try to add qualifiers, and don't stuff too many ideas into one line. Of course the trees grew together "at some time in SAA's history". That phrase makes the sentence awkward and confusing, whereas without it, the meaning is clear.
This is very much a matter of personal preference. I actually love long, journeyeing sentences with layers of description - IF they are made to flow well and guide the reader along without confusion. The construction you pointed out is actually very well done, to my eyes, and if I were to be - or am - the author of this piece, I suspect I would be - or am - mighty satisfied with it.
That aside, it took me a bit of time to figure out why this story does feel like "2 stories that gradually wind together like a rope" (as >>Haze said). It's because Scootaloo's perspective is dropped two-thirds through. The story starts off being told through her eyes, and the subjective descriptions certainly seem to belong to her. But as soon as Applejack is introduced, it's like Scootaloo evaporates completely; the established POV character disappears from under the reader. That's why it feels like an unrelated story has suddenly appeared out of nowhere.
The story would be well-served, I think, by having a bit more of Scootaloo's feeling or thoughts, specifically about Applejack, added. Her wondering that the shouting is all about; maybe asking about it. If the author wants to keep it subtle, maybe just watching to see if Rainbow will react. Just... something there to keep Scootaloo in the story.
Oh, now this is a good scary story. I got real chills down my spine. Like, actual ones, right at the reveal. Very good concept.
Nitpicks: "Squeals lit up the night" doesn't work; squeals don't light. Fluttershy saying "I was a little less timid back then." feels like an explanation that is less believable than just letting the thing go without an explanation (in TVTropes terms, it's a Voodoo Shark). A few punctuation issues (commas vs. periods) but a quick editing pass would fix those just fine.
Nitpicks: "Squeals lit up the night" doesn't work; squeals don't light. Fluttershy saying "I was a little less timid back then." feels like an explanation that is less believable than just letting the thing go without an explanation (in TVTropes terms, it's a Voodoo Shark). A few punctuation issues (commas vs. periods) but a quick editing pass would fix those just fine.
A really cool idea. As someone who thinks, in general, there isn't nearly enough honesty in relationships, I can see a great benefit to Twilight's spell, yet human/pony nature being what it is, I can also appreciate how devastating it would be to many.
There are many ways we read emotions and lies of others. It is fair to ask "Is my word not enough now?" when someone looks in our eyes to see how truthful we're being? The Golden Matrix would be a major shift, but if it persisted, it would become the new "normal". At the very least, I disagree with the absoluteness of Celestia's statement that "it serves [i]nopony[i]".
Is "trust" really a good thing if it means we believe something that isn't true? I don't think so, but I know others would disagree. The ponies who would most have a problem with Twilight's spell aren't being hurt by the spell itself, but by the underlying reality it shows. Which means that either there is something wrong with the real state of affairs, or there is something wrong with them for no being able to accept it. Again, I bet there are people who'd disagree, but I've always had little empathy for those who effectively want to be lied to.
Pinkie should learn to deal. And it's not AJ's right to interfere, unasked. The truth is a disinfectant; it might hurt when applied, but it's better for you in the long run.
Ah, excuse my rambling.
The story itself is very well written, and the twist about 75% of the way in is pretty clever and hits hard, but doesn't disrupt the story. The characters are on point and the emotions ring through loud and clear. Really, really, good, even if I don't completely agree that Twi's actions would be an unmitigated disaster.
There are many ways we read emotions and lies of others. It is fair to ask "Is my word not enough now?" when someone looks in our eyes to see how truthful we're being? The Golden Matrix would be a major shift, but if it persisted, it would become the new "normal". At the very least, I disagree with the absoluteness of Celestia's statement that "it serves [i]nopony[i]".
Is "trust" really a good thing if it means we believe something that isn't true? I don't think so, but I know others would disagree. The ponies who would most have a problem with Twilight's spell aren't being hurt by the spell itself, but by the underlying reality it shows. Which means that either there is something wrong with the real state of affairs, or there is something wrong with them for no being able to accept it. Again, I bet there are people who'd disagree, but I've always had little empathy for those who effectively want to be lied to.
Pinkie should learn to deal. And it's not AJ's right to interfere, unasked. The truth is a disinfectant; it might hurt when applied, but it's better for you in the long run.
Ah, excuse my rambling.
The story itself is very well written, and the twist about 75% of the way in is pretty clever and hits hard, but doesn't disrupt the story. The characters are on point and the emotions ring through loud and clear. Really, really, good, even if I don't completely agree that Twi's actions would be an unmitigated disaster.
Wow. I don't know how best to explain just how frustratingly unnecessary that last line is. It really hurts the story, IMO. If it'd just ended at "hungry", it would've been perfect, and probably ended up in second place in the story rankings I have so far. That last bit is just... too much, too blatant, too treacly.
Ah, pretty decent story still, but... yeah, that final line really doesn't work for me.
Ah, pretty decent story still, but... yeah, that final line really doesn't work for me.
I can mostly see what the story is trying to do, but it's not very coherent. Looks almost like some very last-minute editing mucked things up.
I'm not understanding what role Twilight is playing here. Or what's going on with her when she "stopped flying" (when did she start?) and "backed away".
Oh.
Figures I'd get it the moment I start complaining. Twilight was rushing over to help Applejack (the action is implied, not described), who waved for her to move away because Applejack wanted to continue working on her own.
Still feels odd that it's just Twilight and none of the others.
The weird construction of the whole story makes it hard to get into and feel what it's meant to convey. Again, it feels like it had chunks haphazardly removed to fit the word limit, making for something too distractingly confusing to be appropriately feely.
I'm not understanding what role Twilight is playing here. Or what's going on with her when she "stopped flying" (when did she start?) and "backed away".
Oh.
Figures I'd get it the moment I start complaining. Twilight was rushing over to help Applejack (the action is implied, not described), who waved for her to move away because Applejack wanted to continue working on her own.
Still feels odd that it's just Twilight and none of the others.
The weird construction of the whole story makes it hard to get into and feel what it's meant to convey. Again, it feels like it had chunks haphazardly removed to fit the word limit, making for something too distractingly confusing to be appropriately feely.
The joke relies (in TVTropes terms) on a Subversion of Genre Savvy and Lampshade Hanging. Twilight becomes aware In Universe that Remember the New Guy is at play and tries to Defy the trope. Alas, she fails.
It's troperriffic. I rather like this one; not too much, but enough.
I'm a bit confused about whose sibling Winking Star is, though. Applejack's? Is he even a sibling? Does it even matter?
It's troperriffic. I rather like this one; not too much, but enough.
I'm a bit confused about whose sibling Winking Star is, though. Applejack's? Is he even a sibling? Does it even matter?
Completely adorable. It vaguely reminds me of The Wizard and the Chalkboard, though I can appreciate the different styles of storytelling. What I'm saying is that filly Twi is a goldmine of nerdy-cute.
The Shining-Cadance shipping is rather meh, though; it tips a bit past "sweet" and into "cringy". Not enough to hurt the story, but it doesn't add anything for me.
>>Trick_Question
Twilight is the one who popped out from behind the curtains, and the dialogue in the same paragraph belongs to her. Reads quite clear to me. Everypony is in the living room, and Twilight is behind the window curtains prior to giving her presentation.
Cadance is reporting at midnight to Twilight's parents that Twilight went to bed at seven.
7pm seems way early. My absolute earliest bedtime that I can even remember was 8pm, and I was far too young to do an "independent study project" when that was the case.
The Shining-Cadance shipping is rather meh, though; it tips a bit past "sweet" and into "cringy". Not enough to hurt the story, but it doesn't add anything for me.
>>Trick_Question
Twilight is the one who popped out from behind the curtains, and the dialogue in the same paragraph belongs to her. Reads quite clear to me. Everypony is in the living room, and Twilight is behind the window curtains prior to giving her presentation.
Cadance is reporting at midnight to Twilight's parents that Twilight went to bed at seven.
7pm seems way early. My absolute earliest bedtime that I can even remember was 8pm, and I was far too young to do an "independent study project" when that was the case.
Paging WIP