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The New Head Of Sweet Apple Acres
From on top of the hill, Applejack could see the three members of her family. Big Macintosh was working the western field, trudging from tree to tree, giving a good kick to collect the apples. At the barn, Apple Bloom was tending to the livestock, currently wandering around the chicken coop, when she was supposed to be making sure it was without defect. Behind her, near the edge of Sweet Apple Acres, Winona loomed over Granny Smith’s grave, just as she had every night since her passing.
With a sigh, she pulled her Stetson slightly downward and called out to her faithful dog. It took another call to bring Winona to her. She had to see how Big Mac was doing. Winona hobbled alongside. Along the way, she saw Twilight looking at her from the outer fence. She merely gave Twilight a nod before continuing on her way.
She found him With another hard swallow, she spoke. “Hey, Big Mac.”
He drearily looked up at her. Not even a nod.
“Everything alright?”
He glared at her crossly. Not the best choice of words. She hesitated before speaking again.
“You need anything?”
“Nope.” He bucked harder.
“You sure?”
“Eeyup.” The next buck cracked the trunk.
“Okay,” she said without wavering. “Keep up the good work.” Holding back a sigh, she began walking towards the house.
“I’m sorry.”
It was soft, but loud enough for her to hear. She immediately turned back and, before he could resume working, placed a hoof on his withers. “Don’t worry about it. It’s hard, but we’ll get through it.”
After a lengthy hug, she went off and left big Mac to work. Twilight continued watching her, but she continued on regardless.
AJ, why’re you so adamant on doing this by yourself?
I just gotta, Twi!
You’re in over your head!
Getting closer to Apple Bloom showed Applejack what she already knew: she was angry. Her steps were stomps, her inspection was with a scowl, her breaths were snorts. Once Bloom saw her sister, she turned away.
“How’s the coop—“
“Don’t e-even start!” Apple Bloom began walking the other way.
“What’d I do?”
“You’re-you’re having m-me out here, l-l-looking at this stupid chicken coop—“ She bucked it, causing it to quake. “F-for no reason at all!”
“That’s not true, sugarcube,” Applejack replied softly. “We need to make sure everything’s up and running. With Granny Smith gone—“
“It’s not fair!” Apple Bloom rushed into her. “I-it’s not fair!”
She couldn’t say anything. Granny Smith had died of natural causes, it was her time to go. Life had been completely fair. She knew the day would have to come sooner or later.
“C-can’t we get somepony else to look at this stuff?” Apple Bloom’s eyes were wide. Winona whimpered in sentiment. “Can’t we just—“
“I’m sorry, Apple Bloom.” Applejack wrapped her in the softest hug she could. “We all have to pitch in now, to make sure nothing goes wrong.”
A huff. “Something’s already gone wrong.”
“Yeah, and we can’t fix that.” Applejack looked her sister square in the eye. “But we need to keep it together, okay? We’re Apples, and we stick together.”
She got a teary nod. “Now you go on and get some water. We still have stuff to do.”
As Apple Bloom galloped towards the house, she turned to see Big Mac staring at her. Repressing a sigh, she motioned for him to take a break as well.
In the distance, she saw Twilight continuing to look at her. She finally let a sigh escape her, a heavy one that caused her entire body to droop. Immediately, she held up a hoof. Twilight stopped flying, and with a coax from Applejack’s bidding hoof, she backed away. She rose, and, making sure Twilight wouldn’t interfere, picked up Big Mac’s baskets and began bucking. The apples went into the nearest barrel, and she continued on to the next tree. Then the next. And the next after.
Sweet Apple Acres needed a strong leader. She, Mac and Bloom would eventually have to manage on their own. She had figured it was better to begin early.
Was it the best decision? Was she making a mistake? She had no idea. In the distance, Bloom and Mac were hugging each other tightly, with Winona lay next to Mac’s legs. She hadn’t even realized that she was alone. In a single moment, the three looked at her. She smiled, and gave the next tree a powerful buck.
With a sigh, she pulled her Stetson slightly downward and called out to her faithful dog. It took another call to bring Winona to her. She had to see how Big Mac was doing. Winona hobbled alongside. Along the way, she saw Twilight looking at her from the outer fence. She merely gave Twilight a nod before continuing on her way.
She found him With another hard swallow, she spoke. “Hey, Big Mac.”
He drearily looked up at her. Not even a nod.
“Everything alright?”
He glared at her crossly. Not the best choice of words. She hesitated before speaking again.
“You need anything?”
“Nope.” He bucked harder.
“You sure?”
“Eeyup.” The next buck cracked the trunk.
“Okay,” she said without wavering. “Keep up the good work.” Holding back a sigh, she began walking towards the house.
“I’m sorry.”
It was soft, but loud enough for her to hear. She immediately turned back and, before he could resume working, placed a hoof on his withers. “Don’t worry about it. It’s hard, but we’ll get through it.”
After a lengthy hug, she went off and left big Mac to work. Twilight continued watching her, but she continued on regardless.
AJ, why’re you so adamant on doing this by yourself?
I just gotta, Twi!
You’re in over your head!
Getting closer to Apple Bloom showed Applejack what she already knew: she was angry. Her steps were stomps, her inspection was with a scowl, her breaths were snorts. Once Bloom saw her sister, she turned away.
“How’s the coop—“
“Don’t e-even start!” Apple Bloom began walking the other way.
“What’d I do?”
“You’re-you’re having m-me out here, l-l-looking at this stupid chicken coop—“ She bucked it, causing it to quake. “F-for no reason at all!”
“That’s not true, sugarcube,” Applejack replied softly. “We need to make sure everything’s up and running. With Granny Smith gone—“
“It’s not fair!” Apple Bloom rushed into her. “I-it’s not fair!”
She couldn’t say anything. Granny Smith had died of natural causes, it was her time to go. Life had been completely fair. She knew the day would have to come sooner or later.
“C-can’t we get somepony else to look at this stuff?” Apple Bloom’s eyes were wide. Winona whimpered in sentiment. “Can’t we just—“
“I’m sorry, Apple Bloom.” Applejack wrapped her in the softest hug she could. “We all have to pitch in now, to make sure nothing goes wrong.”
A huff. “Something’s already gone wrong.”
“Yeah, and we can’t fix that.” Applejack looked her sister square in the eye. “But we need to keep it together, okay? We’re Apples, and we stick together.”
She got a teary nod. “Now you go on and get some water. We still have stuff to do.”
As Apple Bloom galloped towards the house, she turned to see Big Mac staring at her. Repressing a sigh, she motioned for him to take a break as well.
In the distance, she saw Twilight continuing to look at her. She finally let a sigh escape her, a heavy one that caused her entire body to droop. Immediately, she held up a hoof. Twilight stopped flying, and with a coax from Applejack’s bidding hoof, she backed away. She rose, and, making sure Twilight wouldn’t interfere, picked up Big Mac’s baskets and began bucking. The apples went into the nearest barrel, and she continued on to the next tree. Then the next. And the next after.
Sweet Apple Acres needed a strong leader. She, Mac and Bloom would eventually have to manage on their own. She had figured it was better to begin early.
Was it the best decision? Was she making a mistake? She had no idea. In the distance, Bloom and Mac were hugging each other tightly, with Winona lay next to Mac’s legs. She hadn’t even realized that she was alone. In a single moment, the three looked at her. She smiled, and gave the next tree a powerful buck.
I can mostly see what the story is trying to do, but it's not very coherent. Looks almost like some very last-minute editing mucked things up.
I'm not understanding what role Twilight is playing here. Or what's going on with her when she "stopped flying" (when did she start?) and "backed away".
Oh.
Figures I'd get it the moment I start complaining. Twilight was rushing over to help Applejack (the action is implied, not described), who waved for her to move away because Applejack wanted to continue working on her own.
Still feels odd that it's just Twilight and none of the others.
The weird construction of the whole story makes it hard to get into and feel what it's meant to convey. Again, it feels like it had chunks haphazardly removed to fit the word limit, making for something too distractingly confusing to be appropriately feely.
I'm not understanding what role Twilight is playing here. Or what's going on with her when she "stopped flying" (when did she start?) and "backed away".
Oh.
Figures I'd get it the moment I start complaining. Twilight was rushing over to help Applejack (the action is implied, not described), who waved for her to move away because Applejack wanted to continue working on her own.
Still feels odd that it's just Twilight and none of the others.
The weird construction of the whole story makes it hard to get into and feel what it's meant to convey. Again, it feels like it had chunks haphazardly removed to fit the word limit, making for something too distractingly confusing to be appropriately feely.
Genre: Sad
Thoughts: Author, you manage to fit a lot of emotion into a very small package. This needs a decent editing pass, and some of the dialogue could be tuned-up to avert some current hamminess, but for the most part, I like the emotional heaviness I see here.
But then I'm self-aware enough to know that I'm an easy mark for this kind of story, so I should probably trust my instincts that those issues hold it back a bit...
Tier: Needs work
Thoughts: Author, you manage to fit a lot of emotion into a very small package. This needs a decent editing pass, and some of the dialogue could be tuned-up to avert some current hamminess, but for the most part, I like the emotional heaviness I see here.
But then I'm self-aware enough to know that I'm an easy mark for this kind of story, so I should probably trust my instincts that those issues hold it back a bit...
Tier: Needs work
This has some coherency problems. Let’s take the first paragraph:
1. the three members of her family Do you count Winona as a part of the Apple’s family?
2.giving a good kick to collect the apples. Not sure that conveys what you intend adequately.
3.wandering around the chicken coop, when she was supposed to be making sure it was without defect. Doesn't make much sense either. What do you mean?
4. just as she had every night since her passing. Is the story set at night?
She had to see how Big Mac was doing. Isn't she already seeing him from her vantage point?
Etc.
The English is clunky at times (‘continue’ used a zillion times for example, as well as awkward constructions).
Overall, well, not really sold on this one. It’s not bad, but I don’t grasp:
1. What is Twilight doing here? Looks like she indulges in voyeurism, and she does not play any other role at all.
2. Why are the other members of the farm so overreacting? That doesn't sound much like any of them.
I think you’ll have to work out these issues for the fic to be more effective.
From on top of the hill, Applejack could see the three members of her family. Big Macintosh was working the western field, trudging from tree to tree, giving a good kick to collect the apples. At the barn, Apple Bloom was tending to the livestock, currently wandering around the chicken coop, when she was supposed to be making sure it was without defect. Behind her, near the edge of Sweet Apple Acres, Winona loomed over Granny Smith’s grave, just as she had every night since her passing.
1. the three members of her family Do you count Winona as a part of the Apple’s family?
2.giving a good kick to collect the apples. Not sure that conveys what you intend adequately.
3.wandering around the chicken coop, when she was supposed to be making sure it was without defect. Doesn't make much sense either. What do you mean?
4. just as she had every night since her passing. Is the story set at night?
She had to see how Big Mac was doing. Isn't she already seeing him from her vantage point?
Etc.
The English is clunky at times (‘continue’ used a zillion times for example, as well as awkward constructions).
Overall, well, not really sold on this one. It’s not bad, but I don’t grasp:
1. What is Twilight doing here? Looks like she indulges in voyeurism, and she does not play any other role at all.
2. Why are the other members of the farm so overreacting? That doesn't sound much like any of them.
I think you’ll have to work out these issues for the fic to be more effective.
I think saying Winona was at the grave every night isn't sufficient to date it properly. I would add a "last week" or something so we know. It's clear Mac's still mourning, but a sense of scale would remove some of the ambiguity and assure us nothing very odd is happening (are Winona and Mac mourning abnormally long?).
Are the italicized words memories of a conversation with Twilight? Are they supposed to be unspoken conversation between them? I'm not sure.
At the end, I'm left not knowing whether AJ's smile is genuine or forced, and that's too important to the message to leave ambiguous.
I don't really buy the way the premise is sold, because Granny certainly doesn't run the farm. AJ's been the head of it throughout the series: Granny's too old, and Mac lacks leadership skills. It's true that they'd have to pick up the slack, but the management wouldn't have really shifted.
Ooh! Ooh! "Steedson"! :pinkiehappy:
Are the italicized words memories of a conversation with Twilight? Are they supposed to be unspoken conversation between them? I'm not sure.
At the end, I'm left not knowing whether AJ's smile is genuine or forced, and that's too important to the message to leave ambiguous.
I don't really buy the way the premise is sold, because Granny certainly doesn't run the farm. AJ's been the head of it throughout the series: Granny's too old, and Mac lacks leadership skills. It's true that they'd have to pick up the slack, but the management wouldn't have really shifted.
Stetson
Ooh! Ooh! "Steedson"! :pinkiehappy:
I’m with Trick. Granny’s definitely a fixture of the farm, but she’s hasn’t been the administrative head for a while. The Apples will mourn their grandmother, of course, but they aren’t going to scramble to reorganize everything with her gone. That torch was passed a while ago.
As such, and because I’ve never been one for prolonged heartstring tugging, this felt quite overwrought. Not at all my mug of cider.
As such, and because I’ve never been one for prolonged heartstring tugging, this felt quite overwrought. Not at all my mug of cider.
If this story was supposed to invoke any sort of emotional response in me, it failed miserably. And if it wasn't, then what was the point?
Yes, it's sad when loved ones die, but eventually you accept it and move on. Part of the problem is that this story gives us no indication of how long ago Granny died. I guess it was recently enough for them to still be in mourning, but at the same time, it feels like they should have moved on by now, possibly because of how AJ is acting. And their actions here don't seem all that believable to me, especially since this isn't exactly the first time the Apples have dealt with family members dying. Perhaps that's excusable for Apple Bloom, but Big Mac should be able to handle it as well as AJ.
And like others have said, it's not like Granny was doing a whole lot of work on the farm that the others have to pick up now. And any extra work she did leave should easily be compensated for by Apple Bloom growing up and being able to help out more.
Yes, it's sad when loved ones die, but eventually you accept it and move on. Part of the problem is that this story gives us no indication of how long ago Granny died. I guess it was recently enough for them to still be in mourning, but at the same time, it feels like they should have moved on by now, possibly because of how AJ is acting. And their actions here don't seem all that believable to me, especially since this isn't exactly the first time the Apples have dealt with family members dying. Perhaps that's excusable for Apple Bloom, but Big Mac should be able to handle it as well as AJ.
And like others have said, it's not like Granny was doing a whole lot of work on the farm that the others have to pick up now. And any extra work she did leave should easily be compensated for by Apple Bloom growing up and being able to help out more.
I understand what the story is trying to say, and with a decent session in the all-inclusive editing spa for confused stories I think this could come out looking pretty good. Like others, I think it's a misstep to suggest Granny Smith would leave much of a void, management-wise, in Sweet Apple Acres; she is undoubtedly its heart and history, however, and I could imagine that absence prompting AJ into doing something OTT to compensate.
There's also too much going on character-wise, considering the word limit, but both options (Apple Bloom and Big Mac, or Twilight) would present interesting options for drama, depending on what angle you wanted to take. My advice would be to pick one and focus on that.
I like a story with a strong emotional weight behind it and, with some tweaks, I'd probably dig this. Thanks for sharing.
>>The_Letter_J
I've always been quite taken with the idea of Apple Bloom wanting to pursue options away from Sweet Apple Acres, and this type of scenario arising, where she might be expected to help share the load, would present drama I could really sink my teeth into.
There's also too much going on character-wise, considering the word limit, but both options (Apple Bloom and Big Mac, or Twilight) would present interesting options for drama, depending on what angle you wanted to take. My advice would be to pick one and focus on that.
I like a story with a strong emotional weight behind it and, with some tweaks, I'd probably dig this. Thanks for sharing.
>>The_Letter_J
I've always been quite taken with the idea of Apple Bloom wanting to pursue options away from Sweet Apple Acres, and this type of scenario arising, where she might be expected to help share the load, would present drama I could really sink my teeth into.
Hmmm... I don't know. This just doesn't quite work for me. Sure, Granny Smith passing on would be a terrible blow to the Apple family... But It's not like it's unexpected, or, hopefully, unplanned for. And it's clear that Granny is more of the social heart of the family, as opposed to the one who runs the farm... That seems like a task that AJ and Big Mac have taken over quite some time ago.
Which makes it rather odd how the others are treating AJ... As if she were some sort of outsider that had been put in charge of their farm and their lives out of nowhere...
And Twilight's presence was.. strange. I'm not quite clear why she was placed in the story, when she serves little purpose...
Which makes it rather odd how the others are treating AJ... As if she were some sort of outsider that had been put in charge of their farm and their lives out of nowhere...
And Twilight's presence was.. strange. I'm not quite clear why she was placed in the story, when she serves little purpose...
The New Head of Sweet Apple Acres
>>Rolo
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Monokeras
>>Trick_Question
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>The_Letter_J
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
>>TheCyanRecluse
I apologize for putting you guys through this garbage. When I thought of this idea, I tried everything in my mental power to make sure it wasn't feels bait, that there was an actual reason that the characters were acting the way they were. I put Twilight in there because I wanted to be a bit mysterious about things. I labored over what happened, and why.
Some complaining ahead.
So it frustrates me to see how poorly it turned out—and it's my fault. I'll be honest in saying that I don't know how to interpret the feedback I've been given. The critic in my head has been trying to tell me that I shouldn't try to write anything with emotion, as this and the other two Write-Off entries I tried making emotional fell flat on their faces; though I won't take that advice yet, I am discouraged from trying to put any feelings (not feeling) into my writing. I didn't see that Applejack and Big Macintosh had everything under control, and that they would be strong when Granny Smith passed, but given how you guys described it, it makes sense. It frustrates me that I didn't see that.
Edit: Actually, if there's anything I should take from this, it's that I don't yet understand how to put together bitter, tearful moments, and should I attempt that again, I should try and study what it is that makes these sorts of moments literally palatable. That's a far more positive and understandable message.
Complaining over.
If this Write-Off has shown me anything, it's that I'm still at the very bottom in terms of skill. I've got a lot of work to do. I think I'll participate in the next Write-Off, though I'm not sure what I'll be aiming for when that time comes. Perhaps not ending up at the bottom for a fourth consecutive time will be a good start. :twilightsmile:
>>Rolo
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Monokeras
>>Trick_Question
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>The_Letter_J
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
>>TheCyanRecluse
I apologize for putting you guys through this garbage. When I thought of this idea, I tried everything in my mental power to make sure it wasn't feels bait, that there was an actual reason that the characters were acting the way they were. I put Twilight in there because I wanted to be a bit mysterious about things. I labored over what happened, and why.
Some complaining ahead.
So it frustrates me to see how poorly it turned out—and it's my fault. I'll be honest in saying that I don't know how to interpret the feedback I've been given. The critic in my head has been trying to tell me that I shouldn't try to write anything with emotion, as this and the other two Write-Off entries I tried making emotional fell flat on their faces; though I won't take that advice yet, I am discouraged from trying to put any feelings (not feeling) into my writing. I didn't see that Applejack and Big Macintosh had everything under control, and that they would be strong when Granny Smith passed, but given how you guys described it, it makes sense. It frustrates me that I didn't see that.
Edit: Actually, if there's anything I should take from this, it's that I don't yet understand how to put together bitter, tearful moments, and should I attempt that again, I should try and study what it is that makes these sorts of moments literally palatable. That's a far more positive and understandable message.
Complaining over.
If this Write-Off has shown me anything, it's that I'm still at the very bottom in terms of skill. I've got a lot of work to do. I think I'll participate in the next Write-Off, though I'm not sure what I'll be aiming for when that time comes. Perhaps not ending up at the bottom for a fourth consecutive time will be a good start. :twilightsmile:
>>Not_Worthy2
Don't beat yourself up! You got a story in the finals, and having a single story do poorly doesn't cancel that out. Our medal-winner and new-second-place-in-the-scoreboard author Titanium Dragon had one of his three stories come in below both of yours, and that doesn't make him a bad author. Some stories just need more love before they're polished to their full luster.
Taking this as an opportunity to work on specific writing problems, like you mentioned, is a great approach. Try revising it and then talk to your editor, or one of the people who gave you helpful editing feedback, to see whether that improved it; the compare and contrast between revisions can be instructive.
If this Write-Off has shown me anything, it's that I'm still at the very bottom in terms of skill.
Don't beat yourself up! You got a story in the finals, and having a single story do poorly doesn't cancel that out. Our medal-winner and new-second-place-in-the-scoreboard author Titanium Dragon had one of his three stories come in below both of yours, and that doesn't make him a bad author. Some stories just need more love before they're polished to their full luster.
Taking this as an opportunity to work on specific writing problems, like you mentioned, is a great approach. Try revising it and then talk to your editor, or one of the people who gave you helpful editing feedback, to see whether that improved it; the compare and contrast between revisions can be instructive.
>>horizon
I hate to admit it, but that's news to me. I always thought that stories took the same amount of time, depending on the author. What you say makes sense, though. I'm going to need to learn how to adequately judge data and criticism, and not be so hard on myself.
Looking over all of my stories, both here and elsewhere, I think I may've identified my biggest problem with writing as a whole, and I'll be trying to work to remedy that. In any case, thank you for your encouragement and suggestions. I'll try and fix the things I'm consistently doing badly—assessing situations, giving flat and vague descriptions, developing stakes—and be back for the next one, whenever that's going to be.
You got a story in the finals, and having a single story do poorly doesn't cancel that out...Some stories just need more love before they're polished to their full luster.
I hate to admit it, but that's news to me. I always thought that stories took the same amount of time, depending on the author. What you say makes sense, though. I'm going to need to learn how to adequately judge data and criticism, and not be so hard on myself.
Looking over all of my stories, both here and elsewhere, I think I may've identified my biggest problem with writing as a whole, and I'll be trying to work to remedy that. In any case, thank you for your encouragement and suggestions. I'll try and fix the things I'm consistently doing badly—assessing situations, giving flat and vague descriptions, developing stakes—and be back for the next one, whenever that's going to be.
>>Not_Worthy2
I have to say that the criticism you have received (including mine) can indeed seem unhelpfully vague. A full editing pass, going line by line with someone pointing out which details don't work or don't make sense, would be the proper thing to do here, and would be far more educational than anything you've received as feedback so far.
For reasons I'd rather not get into, I'm not that person right now. But don't be so hard on yourself. This story is not "garbage". I've read garbage. This isn't it. This is a "fixer-upper".
I have to say that the criticism you have received (including mine) can indeed seem unhelpfully vague. A full editing pass, going line by line with someone pointing out which details don't work or don't make sense, would be the proper thing to do here, and would be far more educational than anything you've received as feedback so far.
For reasons I'd rather not get into, I'm not that person right now. But don't be so hard on yourself. This story is not "garbage". I've read garbage. This isn't it. This is a "fixer-upper".