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>>Trick_Question
>>TitaniumDragon
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>pterrorgrine
>>QuillScratch
>>QuillScratch
>>CoffeeMinion
>>horizon
>>TheCyanRecluse
Damn, got really good feedback on this one, which I'm really grateful for. So thanks everyone for taking the time to put your critique to words!
First of all, that intro. Originally I had planned to show Sunset's dialogue with Twilight in the movie, where Sunset's basically shouting at Twilight for risking her friends' lives. Buuut... that would've take up way too many words. I think that's why the first paragraph seems a bit odd because I had trouble defining how to start this piece effectively without it.
I'll be expanding this entry though and I think I will include that movie scene. It'll allow me to explore Sunset's emotions better, writing in her rage and her fear and hopefully that'll make the conversation with Rainbow mean much more. Hopefully.
As for show don't tell... really good advice here. But aaaaaaargh! I'm always so paranoid about not falling into that trap but I fell into it anyway! Problem is it's really hard to find things to show because I run out of human actions to write, or I'm worried something might be too telly. It's really damn difficult for me to achieve.
On the positive, I'm glad people liked the SunDash interaction here. I actually do want to write a shipfic with them but I figured, baby steps first, let's establish the groundwork for what could be a romance between them. This is it, I suppose. The reason why I like pairing them is because I always feel that, in the EQG movies, Rainbow kinda shares leadership dynamics with Sunset. She is the head of the band, after all. I find it pretty interesting to explore and I love comparing Rainbow and Sunset, then putting them together. I dunno, it just works for me.
As for Rainbow's backstory, I'm glad people liked it! Being human 'n' all, I don't think there was probably a Flight Camp equivalent for EQG!Rainbow. Personally, I think that's a pretty big factor in deciding how her childhood was. Without any camp instructors or guidance, I think it's believable Rainbow would've grown up to be very competitive and in school, always wanted to be adored and cheered. For a kid, the connection between winning = popularity isn't a hard one to make, personally.
Anyway, gonna work on this soon. Things to add/fix:
-New opening with Sunset shouting at Twila
-More show, less tell
-Greater elaboration on Rainbow's backstory
>>TitaniumDragon
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>pterrorgrine
>>QuillScratch
>>QuillScratch
>>CoffeeMinion
>>horizon
>>TheCyanRecluse
Damn, got really good feedback on this one, which I'm really grateful for. So thanks everyone for taking the time to put your critique to words!
First of all, that intro. Originally I had planned to show Sunset's dialogue with Twilight in the movie, where Sunset's basically shouting at Twilight for risking her friends' lives. Buuut... that would've take up way too many words. I think that's why the first paragraph seems a bit odd because I had trouble defining how to start this piece effectively without it.
I'll be expanding this entry though and I think I will include that movie scene. It'll allow me to explore Sunset's emotions better, writing in her rage and her fear and hopefully that'll make the conversation with Rainbow mean much more. Hopefully.
As for show don't tell... really good advice here. But aaaaaaargh! I'm always so paranoid about not falling into that trap but I fell into it anyway! Problem is it's really hard to find things to show because I run out of human actions to write, or I'm worried something might be too telly. It's really damn difficult for me to achieve.
On the positive, I'm glad people liked the SunDash interaction here. I actually do want to write a shipfic with them but I figured, baby steps first, let's establish the groundwork for what could be a romance between them. This is it, I suppose. The reason why I like pairing them is because I always feel that, in the EQG movies, Rainbow kinda shares leadership dynamics with Sunset. She is the head of the band, after all. I find it pretty interesting to explore and I love comparing Rainbow and Sunset, then putting them together. I dunno, it just works for me.
As for Rainbow's backstory, I'm glad people liked it! Being human 'n' all, I don't think there was probably a Flight Camp equivalent for EQG!Rainbow. Personally, I think that's a pretty big factor in deciding how her childhood was. Without any camp instructors or guidance, I think it's believable Rainbow would've grown up to be very competitive and in school, always wanted to be adored and cheered. For a kid, the connection between winning = popularity isn't a hard one to make, personally.
Anyway, gonna work on this soon. Things to add/fix:
-New opening with Sunset shouting at Twila
-More show, less tell
-Greater elaboration on Rainbow's backstory
There's something going on here but it's confused. Seems like it's lost in translation, y'know? I can taste a good twist on the tip of my tongue but then it just gets lost and confused.
Unlike the others, I don't actually mind Anon. But the use of Anon is for a very specific audience, that being wish fulfilment. Anon isn't really a character. I mean, he is, but the use of Anon as a name allows readers to put themselves in Anon's shoes very easily. There are themes in here that make sense for an Anon story though, so I don't think Anon's use is out of place here. For example, there's the theme of longing for a special someone that you know doesn't exist. (>tfw she's not real, etc.)
However I can't say the Writeoff community will really appreciate Anon. It's very niche, at best.
Unlike the others, I don't actually mind Anon. But the use of Anon is for a very specific audience, that being wish fulfilment. Anon isn't really a character. I mean, he is, but the use of Anon as a name allows readers to put themselves in Anon's shoes very easily. There are themes in here that make sense for an Anon story though, so I don't think Anon's use is out of place here. For example, there's the theme of longing for a special someone that you know doesn't exist. (>tfw she's not real, etc.)
However I can't say the Writeoff community will really appreciate Anon. It's very niche, at best.
Script format is a little odd. I'm not sure what benefit it provides to this story, other than just freeing up more words for dialogue.
And why would Luna want to be alone for thousands of years doing... not much at all, really. I don't get it, sorry!
And why would Luna want to be alone for thousands of years doing... not much at all, really. I don't get it, sorry!
Cute but like the others say, somewhat confusing.
I think adding in a mention of the attic door opening with a slam might help. Gets across where the two parties are and that the sisters are more angry than distraught (and therefore it'll help people realize the CMC ain't dead).
I think adding in a mention of the attic door opening with a slam might help. Gets across where the two parties are and that the sisters are more angry than distraught (and therefore it'll help people realize the CMC ain't dead).
It's never really explained why Bluewisp decided to punch Blueblood in the face for his comment. I mean, it can be implied, but it seems a bit radical when he was tolerating him just fine seconds before.
Like the others say, it's trying to be a comedy but isn't nearly goofy/extreme enough. Therefore the ending, with the guards not listening to Blueblood, comes off as weird because the world seems fairly normal.
Like the others say, it's trying to be a comedy but isn't nearly goofy/extreme enough. Therefore the ending, with the guards not listening to Blueblood, comes off as weird because the world seems fairly normal.
Kinda saw the ending coming but regardless, this was a nice character piece sprinkling good little details about the Mane 6 and worldbuilding throughout.
Only issue, and I guess this is what people have been saying about the word count, the twist comes a bit too suddenly. Like, I think I was meant to feel sad and shocked but I wasn't really. It just came and went.
Only issue, and I guess this is what people have been saying about the word count, the twist comes a bit too suddenly. Like, I think I was meant to feel sad and shocked but I wasn't really. It just came and went.
It's a Fluttershy story.
I despise Fluttershy.
So I can't really comment without much bias clouding me, unfortunately. That said! ... this is probably one of the most show-tone fics I've read in this contest so far and I'm a big fan of those types of stories, so props on that.
I despise Fluttershy.
So I can't really comment without much bias clouding me, unfortunately. That said! ... this is probably one of the most show-tone fics I've read in this contest so far and I'm a big fan of those types of stories, so props on that.
Cactus juice. It's quenchy! Nothing's quenchier! It's the quenchiest!
After reading through the comments and getting a grasp on what it means...
Eh.
I mean the basic joke is that Fluttershy likes porn. A lot. But this joke has been done in the fandom many many times. This fic just dresses it up and attempts to give it deeper meaning, I guess. At the end of the day though, the punchline is still the same, giving this fic a lack of meat to its bones because... not much actually happens other than the joke.
After reading through the comments and getting a grasp on what it means...
Eh.
I mean the basic joke is that Fluttershy likes porn. A lot. But this joke has been done in the fandom many many times. This fic just dresses it up and attempts to give it deeper meaning, I guess. At the end of the day though, the punchline is still the same, giving this fic a lack of meat to its bones because... not much actually happens other than the joke.
Disclaimer: I haven't read many stories featuring the Wonderbolts. So I'm just going by their canon interpretations which are... unique, at best. That may have affected my enjoyment of the fic, sadly. It's interesting and uses the prompt in a creative way, don't get me wrong, but why does Spitfire want to be a normal pony? It just came out at the end all of a sudden.
This is also another story that likes using human insults for the ponies. It was really jarring to read Soarin say
I'm no prude, don't get that impression. I love to fucking swear like a Goddamn sailor. But when I'm reading ponies... seeing human swears just breaks my immersion. Also, like Spitfire says, I don't think Soarin would be so callous and spiteful towards his uncle, even if nobody liked him. He seems much more chill than that.
This is also another story that likes using human insults for the ponies. It was really jarring to read Soarin say
“Eh, he was a dick anyway.
I'm no prude, don't get that impression. I love to fucking swear like a Goddamn sailor. But when I'm reading ponies... seeing human swears just breaks my immersion. Also, like Spitfire says, I don't think Soarin would be so callous and spiteful towards his uncle, even if nobody liked him. He seems much more chill than that.
A nice little idea that makes for a sweet moment between sisters. The idea of Celestia not forgetting Nightmare Moon, since it's a part of Luna, is interesting too.
Still, though, to say that Nightmare Moon brought them together because of Twilight...? Bit of a stretch. That was all Celestia's efforts, in my view.
Still, though, to say that Nightmare Moon brought them together because of Twilight...? Bit of a stretch. That was all Celestia's efforts, in my view.
I smirked.
Reminds me of episodes in kids TV shows where for that one episode the bad guy wouldn't be so bad and would work with the protagonist, at least for a bit.
Like others say, I think it could be made even better if the ham was juuust a bit hammier. Maybe Daring lamenting on the fact that she will never be able to write a book and Ahuizotl's stunned by this revelation and asks why he never got royalties from the sales.
... holy crap that's a good idea in itself.
Reminds me of episodes in kids TV shows where for that one episode the bad guy wouldn't be so bad and would work with the protagonist, at least for a bit.
Like others say, I think it could be made even better if the ham was juuust a bit hammier. Maybe Daring lamenting on the fact that she will never be able to write a book and Ahuizotl's stunned by this revelation and asks why he never got royalties from the sales.
... holy crap that's a good idea in itself.
Fun idea but, I dunno, there's a lot of dialogue without much description so the whole thing feels a bit too rushed for me.
And did Discord just... create life? I thought he was going back in time and plucking these extinct animals from their time zones but apparently not.
But... isn't creating life order? I, uh...
I'm thinking too deeply about this aren't I.
And did Discord just... create life? I thought he was going back in time and plucking these extinct animals from their time zones but apparently not.
But... isn't creating life order? I, uh...
I'm thinking too deeply about this aren't I.
Is this memes?
As someone who loves memes myself, this speaks to me. Just because you use memes, doesn't mean you're a drooling idiot or something. You just think memes are funny and have a different sense of humor than others. This story is all silly style and hidden substance.
Thought it'd annoy me at first but I got the message and smiled in appreciation.
As someone who loves memes myself, this speaks to me. Just because you use memes, doesn't mean you're a drooling idiot or something. You just think memes are funny and have a different sense of humor than others. This story is all silly style and hidden substance.
Thought it'd annoy me at first but I got the message and smiled in appreciation.
A little telly in places at the beginning, for example:
ECH.
Was nice on the whole but as the others have said, it needs more.
I, however, have a different suggestion than what they might propose. The second part? SCRAP.
It's not bad but if you wanted to keep the length short, cut that part, and add in a bit at the beginning about Lily coming up with the idea of using her strength to save Equestria.
I think going from that to seeing her dreams get crushed under Tiara's hoof would make the fic feel much more complete.
Diamond Tiara smirked at the discovery of her opponent's weak spot.
ECH.
Was nice on the whole but as the others have said, it needs more.
I, however, have a different suggestion than what they might propose. The second part? SCRAP.
It's not bad but if you wanted to keep the length short, cut that part, and add in a bit at the beginning about Lily coming up with the idea of using her strength to save Equestria.
I think going from that to seeing her dreams get crushed under Tiara's hoof would make the fic feel much more complete.
Small niggle but given that this seems to be going for a show tone and setting, the use of 'bitch' feels a bit out of place. That's just personal opinion.
As for the fic itself, it's nice but feels kinda drive by. Everything takes place from Rainbow's perspective so we never see that conversation Fluttershy has with her mother. Now, that's not a bad thing in itself but we don't get nearly enough detail on Rainbow worrying and waiting. It's only, like, one or two paragraphs long. If we're going with Rainbow's perspective, we need more of her feelings on the situation, for the reader to really connect with the situation.
As for the fic itself, it's nice but feels kinda drive by. Everything takes place from Rainbow's perspective so we never see that conversation Fluttershy has with her mother. Now, that's not a bad thing in itself but we don't get nearly enough detail on Rainbow worrying and waiting. It's only, like, one or two paragraphs long. If we're going with Rainbow's perspective, we need more of her feelings on the situation, for the reader to really connect with the situation.
Biggest problem here is a lack of coherence on who exactly the narrator is. I know now it's Spike but I only gathered that by the end of the fic, making the rest of it wholly confusing to read. At one point I thought Gummy may have been narrating, since we were in Sugarcube Corner and nobody had spoken to him directly.
Then the fic just kinda changes ideas from a baking mishap to time travel.
'kaaaaaay.
That's way too big in scale for a 750 word minific. It's basically two ideas. Definitely possible for a short story but this is a minific. Ya gotta be extremely selective in these.
Then the fic just kinda changes ideas from a baking mishap to time travel.
'kaaaaaay.
That's way too big in scale for a 750 word minific. It's basically two ideas. Definitely possible for a short story but this is a minific. Ya gotta be extremely selective in these.
>>FanOfMostEverything
No need to label, really.
It tells you what story you're commenting on at the top of your post, next to what time you made the post at.
No need to label, really.
It tells you what story you're commenting on at the top of your post, next to what time you made the post at.
Well this is a first. Not one, not two, but THREE entries done baby!
Maybe lightning will strike.... fourthice? What goes after thrice...
Whatever, I'm happy.
Maybe lightning will strike.... fourthice? What goes after thrice...
Whatever, I'm happy.
Well that's a first. Got an idea instantly that I committed to and finished!
As for the site, ehhhh... kinda awkward to use it. At least for pony stuff. Seems like more effort than it's worth on Roger's part to design a whole new feature of the website, especially if it's gonna be like Fimfic's system.
(Also I miss muh images. Send help.)
As for the site, ehhhh... kinda awkward to use it. At least for pony stuff. Seems like more effort than it's worth on Roger's part to design a whole new feature of the website, especially if it's gonna be like Fimfic's system.
(Also I miss muh images. Send help.)
Clearly the change was intended to stop me and my meme reviews.
No longer shall I have any fun images to use! Curses.
No longer shall I have any fun images to use! Curses.
Paging WIP