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The brilliant Sunset Shimmer had done it again. She’d let her inner demons take a hold of her, spark that fire within her, and she’d gotten someone burned. This world’s Twilight was no magical princess, she was just an ordinary girl, now running scared and crying because of the flames Sunset spewed.
“Great. Just great,” she said, covering her face, then gripping it. “Can’t I do anything right without messing up?”
Rainbow Dash, holding onto her friend’s shoulder, gave it a squeeze while silently motion for the others to give them some privacy. “So what? You had a slip, blew up a little. It’s no big deal.”
“No big deal?” Sunset said, glowering at Dash. “You say what happened. I was screaming at her. Shrieking at her like some raging she-demon—” She blinked, seeing Dash flinch just a little. “And I’m doing it again, aren’t I?”
“Just simmer down a little. Deep breaths, just like gym warm up, y’know?” Rainbow gave Sunset a little smirk, as she went through the calming rhythms. “Guess I should say ‘Shimmer down’ instead.”
It was enough to bring a flash of a smile across Sunset. “Heh.”
“You good?”
Sunset ran a hand through her hair. “Better.”
“Sweet,” Rainbow replied, giving her a thumbs up. “Look, maybe you said things a little badly. But that happens, it was a mistake. And we just did go through the most dangerous bike race of all time.”
Sunset hummed in response, then gave Rainbow a stronger smile. “Thanks for saving my life, back there.”
Dash grinned, scuffing her chest casually. “Think nothing of it. It’s just what I do.”
“Now you do, I guess.” A pause. “Question?”
“Shoot,” Rainbow said, pointing a finger gun at her.
“Out of everyone in our group, you took to me the quickest.” A curious frown and she asked, “Why?”
Rainbow shrugged. “I see myself in you, kinda.”
Sunset did a double take. “Really?”
“Hey, I wasn’t always as awesome as I am now. I’ve made some pretty bad mistakes too,” Dash said.
Glancing towards the school she almost destroyed, Sunset could only sigh. “Bet you never turned into a demon.”
“Nah. But still, I hurt people.” That brought Sunset’s interest back around. “When I was young, I wanted to be the best athlete ever. I still do but back then, it was just about the only thing I cared about. And I didn’t care about how I got it either.” Sunset perked a brow, prompting Rainbow to continue.
“I’d do some pretty lousy things,” Rainbow said, rubbing at her arm. “Cheating, mostly. But sometimes, especially during football, I’d just push other kids down so I could get a shot at glory.”
“You were just a kid,” Sunset replied. “You didn’t know any better.”
“Did you?” Rainbow asked, her question the perfect parry.
Sunset paused momentarily before answering. “I should have.”
“Me too,” Rainbow agreed. “But I didn’t. I just didn’t know how my actions were affecting everyone, and how everyone saw me. I wasn’t some hero or someone awesome to them. I was just a rotten bully.”
Smiling, Rainbow gazed towards her friends, gathered in a circle nearby. “Fluttershy was the first to forgive me. She made me see what the end of the road would be like, if I kept being a bully. Then the others quickly followed suit. I owe them a lot, really.”
Turning back to Sunset, Dash held out her hand. “So I’ve been there, sorta. Maybe not on the same level as you but definitely a similar principle, or something. But whenever you stumble, or fall down, I’ll be there to pick you back up again.”
Sunset eagerly took Rainbow’s hand, feeling a warm glow inside her. “I appreciate it, Dash. And if you’re ever down, I’ll give you some lift, okay?”
Rainbow squeezed Sunset’s hand, then let go, patting her shoulder. “Alright, that’s a deal. I mean, it shouldn’t happen much, but if I’m ever not feeling too awesome one day, you’ll be the first to know.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so sincere,” Sunset remarked, smirking.
Rainbow forced out a laugh, nudging Sunset aside. “Yeah, well, guess I’m just feeling like it after saving your life.”
“We’ll go with that, sure,” Sunset replied, looking over to the rest of the group with a smile. “Let’s get ready for the next event.”
“Totally,” Rainbow replied, then immediately ran towards the group, pumping a fist into the air and shouting, “Let’s win this thing!”
“Great. Just great,” she said, covering her face, then gripping it. “Can’t I do anything right without messing up?”
Rainbow Dash, holding onto her friend’s shoulder, gave it a squeeze while silently motion for the others to give them some privacy. “So what? You had a slip, blew up a little. It’s no big deal.”
“No big deal?” Sunset said, glowering at Dash. “You say what happened. I was screaming at her. Shrieking at her like some raging she-demon—” She blinked, seeing Dash flinch just a little. “And I’m doing it again, aren’t I?”
“Just simmer down a little. Deep breaths, just like gym warm up, y’know?” Rainbow gave Sunset a little smirk, as she went through the calming rhythms. “Guess I should say ‘Shimmer down’ instead.”
It was enough to bring a flash of a smile across Sunset. “Heh.”
“You good?”
Sunset ran a hand through her hair. “Better.”
“Sweet,” Rainbow replied, giving her a thumbs up. “Look, maybe you said things a little badly. But that happens, it was a mistake. And we just did go through the most dangerous bike race of all time.”
Sunset hummed in response, then gave Rainbow a stronger smile. “Thanks for saving my life, back there.”
Dash grinned, scuffing her chest casually. “Think nothing of it. It’s just what I do.”
“Now you do, I guess.” A pause. “Question?”
“Shoot,” Rainbow said, pointing a finger gun at her.
“Out of everyone in our group, you took to me the quickest.” A curious frown and she asked, “Why?”
Rainbow shrugged. “I see myself in you, kinda.”
Sunset did a double take. “Really?”
“Hey, I wasn’t always as awesome as I am now. I’ve made some pretty bad mistakes too,” Dash said.
Glancing towards the school she almost destroyed, Sunset could only sigh. “Bet you never turned into a demon.”
“Nah. But still, I hurt people.” That brought Sunset’s interest back around. “When I was young, I wanted to be the best athlete ever. I still do but back then, it was just about the only thing I cared about. And I didn’t care about how I got it either.” Sunset perked a brow, prompting Rainbow to continue.
“I’d do some pretty lousy things,” Rainbow said, rubbing at her arm. “Cheating, mostly. But sometimes, especially during football, I’d just push other kids down so I could get a shot at glory.”
“You were just a kid,” Sunset replied. “You didn’t know any better.”
“Did you?” Rainbow asked, her question the perfect parry.
Sunset paused momentarily before answering. “I should have.”
“Me too,” Rainbow agreed. “But I didn’t. I just didn’t know how my actions were affecting everyone, and how everyone saw me. I wasn’t some hero or someone awesome to them. I was just a rotten bully.”
Smiling, Rainbow gazed towards her friends, gathered in a circle nearby. “Fluttershy was the first to forgive me. She made me see what the end of the road would be like, if I kept being a bully. Then the others quickly followed suit. I owe them a lot, really.”
Turning back to Sunset, Dash held out her hand. “So I’ve been there, sorta. Maybe not on the same level as you but definitely a similar principle, or something. But whenever you stumble, or fall down, I’ll be there to pick you back up again.”
Sunset eagerly took Rainbow’s hand, feeling a warm glow inside her. “I appreciate it, Dash. And if you’re ever down, I’ll give you some lift, okay?”
Rainbow squeezed Sunset’s hand, then let go, patting her shoulder. “Alright, that’s a deal. I mean, it shouldn’t happen much, but if I’m ever not feeling too awesome one day, you’ll be the first to know.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so sincere,” Sunset remarked, smirking.
Rainbow forced out a laugh, nudging Sunset aside. “Yeah, well, guess I’m just feeling like it after saving your life.”
“We’ll go with that, sure,” Sunset replied, looking over to the rest of the group with a smile. “Let’s get ready for the next event.”
“Totally,” Rainbow replied, then immediately ran towards the group, pumping a fist into the air and shouting, “Let’s win this thing!”
That brought Sunset’s interest back around.
Show us, don't tell us! Shooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow! Push yourself to find errors like these and paint them with Sunset's actions rather than telling us in the vulgar.
Sunset Shimmer blows her lid with SciTwi. Equestria Girls Rainbow Dash cools her down.
This was actually a pretty good little character piece, giving Equestria Girls Rainbow Dash some character background which is believable, as well as a reason why she might take to Sunset Shimmer. I liked this on the whole; it may have been a simple little scene, but it did what it was trying to do.
This was actually a pretty good little character piece, giving Equestria Girls Rainbow Dash some character background which is believable, as well as a reason why she might take to Sunset Shimmer. I liked this on the whole; it may have been a simple little scene, but it did what it was trying to do.
This was quite nice. Good background for human Dash, good interaction with Sunset, enjoyable all around. My only complaint is that there are a few points where Dash doesn’t sound like herself. (I can’t see her saying “Think nothing of it,” for example.)
“Did you?” Rainbow asked, her question the perfect parry.
Somewhat in the vein of >>Trick_Question's comment: this story would be about twice as good if the highlighted phrase was deleted.
Overall, while it didn't grab me too much, it was fairly solid. I think "show, don't tell" can extend a long way for this one, in the sense of making Dash's side of the conversation more powerful. She's too telly with Sunset and it holds the character interaction back for the same reasons that apply to expository prose. (Then again, there's no way Dash is a restrained and self-aware orator, even in this context.)
But this is a very Sunset-y story, in a good way.
Lots of people have talked about "show, don't tell" above me. I want to expand on that a little, and talk about what exactly is going wrong with the telling in this piece, because I actually think in a lot of places here it's not the choice of telling over showing that's let you down, but the way in which you've told things. Let's take an example sentence from near the start and break it down, shall we?
I can't remember who it was who said this, but a while ago I was having a discussion with some writeoffers and someone said they always tried to avoid present participles because they found them weaker than alternative phrasings in almost every case. I strongly disagree with that advice—I think present participles are an important part of writing, and should be used a lot more often than that advice suggests—but I do think that the "holding" clause in this sentence is a fantastic example of a really weak present participle. For a start, it takes the object of the main clause ("her friend's shoulder") out of that clause, which certainly isn't wrong but weakens the impact of the main clause. This is particularly problematic in that there doesn't seem to be any reason for that subclause to be there! The sentence would lose no real meaning as "Rainbow Dash gave Sunset's shoulder a squeeze..." (though in this instance I'd advise an adjective for "squeeze"—without that clause the sentence seems a little empty) and by removing the clause we make the real focus of the sentence clear and allow the intimacy of the moment to shine.
This is very important, because if there's one thing this entry consistently fails to achieve, it is the depiction of intimacy. In the sentence above, for example, the subclause is fairly lacking in emotion, and takes a great deal of the impact away from the scene. Another sentence with a related issue would be "Sunset did a double take." I want to make one thing absolutely clear: I am really not a fan of that sentence, wherever it appears and whoever is the subject of it. There's something awfully clunky about its phrasing, and the way the lack of an actual verb for double takes forces us to use the awful construction "[noun] did [noun describing action]" (a construction which, to me, seems almost impossible to make sound good, and I think I'd only ever consider using it with a deliberately childlike narrator). It's constructions like these that come across as unnecessarily telly, and I think that the best option is to try to avoid them wherever possible.
The other thing I really want to talk about can be pretty aptly summed up in the first paragraph:
Let's start with that last sentence. The first two clauses are both main clauses. Independent main clauses should not be separated by only a comma! The act of doing this is called "comma splicing", which I didn't actually know until today was stricly defined by using a comma to separate two independent clauses rather than (as I'd always thought) "using a comma in place of a semicolon", though I guess those two are technically the same thing. Anyway, yeah. Comma splicing. Don't do that.
Now let's jump back to the end of that first sentence. Gramatically speaking, I can't see anything wrong with what you've done—there's no strict reason for that first clause to be dependent on the second sentence, so it's an independent clause and you can have it as a standalone sentence. But it really doesn't seem that way—without the second sentence to clarify, the first sentence is almost entirely meaningless. For this reason, I strongly recommend the use of a colon to join the two, because that's pretty much what colons are meant to be used for.
The reason I'm highlighting these two issues is simple: throughout this piece, there are quite a few occasions where the connections between your clauses don't quite work, for reasons similar to the above. That's not good! It can be really jarring to a reader, but it also confuses the meaning of your sentences because the way clauses connect and interact is just as important to understanding their meaning as the clauses themselves. I'm sorry if I've spent quite a while talking about this, but I felt these were two points that really needed a closer examination.
So let's finish this off with the positives, because I've been a terrible person and just yelled at you about grammar for six paragraphs without even talking about your content! For a start, I agree with some of the comments about this as a good character piece—I loved what you've done with EG!Rainbow's past, and the overall feel of the piece had a good Sunset tone. It was a sweet moment that would have benefited a lot from a more intimate tone, but did a good job regardless. With a little bit of spring-cleaning, this could be quite a fantastic piece!
Rainbow Dash, holding onto her friend’s shoulder, gave it a squeeze while silently motion for the others to give them some privacy.
I can't remember who it was who said this, but a while ago I was having a discussion with some writeoffers and someone said they always tried to avoid present participles because they found them weaker than alternative phrasings in almost every case. I strongly disagree with that advice—I think present participles are an important part of writing, and should be used a lot more often than that advice suggests—but I do think that the "holding" clause in this sentence is a fantastic example of a really weak present participle. For a start, it takes the object of the main clause ("her friend's shoulder") out of that clause, which certainly isn't wrong but weakens the impact of the main clause. This is particularly problematic in that there doesn't seem to be any reason for that subclause to be there! The sentence would lose no real meaning as "Rainbow Dash gave Sunset's shoulder a squeeze..." (though in this instance I'd advise an adjective for "squeeze"—without that clause the sentence seems a little empty) and by removing the clause we make the real focus of the sentence clear and allow the intimacy of the moment to shine.
This is very important, because if there's one thing this entry consistently fails to achieve, it is the depiction of intimacy. In the sentence above, for example, the subclause is fairly lacking in emotion, and takes a great deal of the impact away from the scene. Another sentence with a related issue would be "Sunset did a double take." I want to make one thing absolutely clear: I am really not a fan of that sentence, wherever it appears and whoever is the subject of it. There's something awfully clunky about its phrasing, and the way the lack of an actual verb for double takes forces us to use the awful construction "[noun] did [noun describing action]" (a construction which, to me, seems almost impossible to make sound good, and I think I'd only ever consider using it with a deliberately childlike narrator). It's constructions like these that come across as unnecessarily telly, and I think that the best option is to try to avoid them wherever possible.
The other thing I really want to talk about can be pretty aptly summed up in the first paragraph:
The brilliant Sunset Shimmer had done it again. She’d let her inner demons take a hold of her, spark that fire within her, and she’d gotten someone burned. This world’s Twilight was no magical princess, she was just an ordinary girl, now running scared and crying because of the flames Sunset spewed.
Let's start with that last sentence. The first two clauses are both main clauses. Independent main clauses should not be separated by only a comma! The act of doing this is called "comma splicing", which I didn't actually know until today was stricly defined by using a comma to separate two independent clauses rather than (as I'd always thought) "using a comma in place of a semicolon", though I guess those two are technically the same thing. Anyway, yeah. Comma splicing. Don't do that.
Now let's jump back to the end of that first sentence. Gramatically speaking, I can't see anything wrong with what you've done—there's no strict reason for that first clause to be dependent on the second sentence, so it's an independent clause and you can have it as a standalone sentence. But it really doesn't seem that way—without the second sentence to clarify, the first sentence is almost entirely meaningless. For this reason, I strongly recommend the use of a colon to join the two, because that's pretty much what colons are meant to be used for.
The reason I'm highlighting these two issues is simple: throughout this piece, there are quite a few occasions where the connections between your clauses don't quite work, for reasons similar to the above. That's not good! It can be really jarring to a reader, but it also confuses the meaning of your sentences because the way clauses connect and interact is just as important to understanding their meaning as the clauses themselves. I'm sorry if I've spent quite a while talking about this, but I felt these were two points that really needed a closer examination.
So let's finish this off with the positives, because I've been a terrible person and just yelled at you about grammar for six paragraphs without even talking about your content! For a start, I agree with some of the comments about this as a good character piece—I loved what you've done with EG!Rainbow's past, and the overall feel of the piece had a good Sunset tone. It was a sweet moment that would have benefited a lot from a more intimate tone, but did a good job regardless. With a little bit of spring-cleaning, this could be quite a fantastic piece!
It would be unfair of me to let the other Sunset & Rainbow piece running around this Writeoff unduly skew my assessment of this one. But where the other one aims at building tension and excitement and does a fantastic job of it, this one seems to aim at a quiet, almost intimate moment... but I just didn't feel the connection between the two materialize. The suggestion by >>pterrorgrine may be a big part of it, though I'm not 100% sure.
The friendshipping here is solid on the whole, but the "thanks for saving my life back there" moment broke me out of the story. What? That's, uh, a little bit big to just sort of come up offhandedly in conversation. And it sets up a parallel source of conflict with the Twilight argument that diminishes both -- you could very easily have hung Sunset's angst around one of the two and removed the other entirely.
Agreed with the other commenters on the prose issues; take an edit pass through this to trim it down before you start expanding it out to FIMFiction size. Maybe show us the life-saving event you reference, if you're writing further scenes to bring it up to 1000 words?
Actually, on second thought: is that bicycle race thing they discuss an event from the third Equestria Girls movie? If so, I'm missing context here that would probably hang this a little closer together. That's another crossover-rules issue, though a more forgivable one because it's more reasonable to assume in a pony writing competition that that's a thing your audience has seen. You would be well served by adding a few sentences of subtle exposition as if none of your readers had watched that movie -- not only to bring everyone up to speed, but also to ground your scene a bit more. It's not until your ninth paragraph that the bike race is even mentioned; they're basically talking in a blank white room until then, so having her stand up from a crashed bike in the opening (or whatever) provides much better framing even for your EG-aware readers.
Tier: Almost There
Agreed with the other commenters on the prose issues; take an edit pass through this to trim it down before you start expanding it out to FIMFiction size. Maybe show us the life-saving event you reference, if you're writing further scenes to bring it up to 1000 words?
Actually, on second thought: is that bicycle race thing they discuss an event from the third Equestria Girls movie? If so, I'm missing context here that would probably hang this a little closer together. That's another crossover-rules issue, though a more forgivable one because it's more reasonable to assume in a pony writing competition that that's a thing your audience has seen. You would be well served by adding a few sentences of subtle exposition as if none of your readers had watched that movie -- not only to bring everyone up to speed, but also to ground your scene a bit more. It's not until your ninth paragraph that the bike race is even mentioned; they're basically talking in a blank white room until then, so having her stand up from a crashed bike in the opening (or whatever) provides much better framing even for your EG-aware readers.
Tier: Almost There
I really liked this one. It's an excellent character piece. At first, I found the idea of Rainbow Dash being a bully a bit unlikely... She's the element of loyalty, after all. But after a few moments reflection, it makes perfect sense. Loyalty just means you don't bully the people you're loyal to.
All in , I thought it captured the characters pretty well, and I liked it. If you want more insightful reviews, you'll have to read all of the ones above mine I'm afraid. :>
All in , I thought it captured the characters pretty well, and I liked it. If you want more insightful reviews, you'll have to read all of the ones above mine I'm afraid. :>
>>Trick_Question
>>TitaniumDragon
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>pterrorgrine
>>QuillScratch
>>QuillScratch
>>CoffeeMinion
>>horizon
>>TheCyanRecluse
Damn, got really good feedback on this one, which I'm really grateful for. So thanks everyone for taking the time to put your critique to words!
First of all, that intro. Originally I had planned to show Sunset's dialogue with Twilight in the movie, where Sunset's basically shouting at Twilight for risking her friends' lives. Buuut... that would've take up way too many words. I think that's why the first paragraph seems a bit odd because I had trouble defining how to start this piece effectively without it.
I'll be expanding this entry though and I think I will include that movie scene. It'll allow me to explore Sunset's emotions better, writing in her rage and her fear and hopefully that'll make the conversation with Rainbow mean much more. Hopefully.
As for show don't tell... really good advice here. But aaaaaaargh! I'm always so paranoid about not falling into that trap but I fell into it anyway! Problem is it's really hard to find things to show because I run out of human actions to write, or I'm worried something might be too telly. It's really damn difficult for me to achieve.
On the positive, I'm glad people liked the SunDash interaction here. I actually do want to write a shipfic with them but I figured, baby steps first, let's establish the groundwork for what could be a romance between them. This is it, I suppose. The reason why I like pairing them is because I always feel that, in the EQG movies, Rainbow kinda shares leadership dynamics with Sunset. She is the head of the band, after all. I find it pretty interesting to explore and I love comparing Rainbow and Sunset, then putting them together. I dunno, it just works for me.
As for Rainbow's backstory, I'm glad people liked it! Being human 'n' all, I don't think there was probably a Flight Camp equivalent for EQG!Rainbow. Personally, I think that's a pretty big factor in deciding how her childhood was. Without any camp instructors or guidance, I think it's believable Rainbow would've grown up to be very competitive and in school, always wanted to be adored and cheered. For a kid, the connection between winning = popularity isn't a hard one to make, personally.
Anyway, gonna work on this soon. Things to add/fix:
-New opening with Sunset shouting at Twila
-More show, less tell
-Greater elaboration on Rainbow's backstory
>>TitaniumDragon
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>pterrorgrine
>>QuillScratch
>>QuillScratch
>>CoffeeMinion
>>horizon
>>TheCyanRecluse
Damn, got really good feedback on this one, which I'm really grateful for. So thanks everyone for taking the time to put your critique to words!
First of all, that intro. Originally I had planned to show Sunset's dialogue with Twilight in the movie, where Sunset's basically shouting at Twilight for risking her friends' lives. Buuut... that would've take up way too many words. I think that's why the first paragraph seems a bit odd because I had trouble defining how to start this piece effectively without it.
I'll be expanding this entry though and I think I will include that movie scene. It'll allow me to explore Sunset's emotions better, writing in her rage and her fear and hopefully that'll make the conversation with Rainbow mean much more. Hopefully.
As for show don't tell... really good advice here. But aaaaaaargh! I'm always so paranoid about not falling into that trap but I fell into it anyway! Problem is it's really hard to find things to show because I run out of human actions to write, or I'm worried something might be too telly. It's really damn difficult for me to achieve.
On the positive, I'm glad people liked the SunDash interaction here. I actually do want to write a shipfic with them but I figured, baby steps first, let's establish the groundwork for what could be a romance between them. This is it, I suppose. The reason why I like pairing them is because I always feel that, in the EQG movies, Rainbow kinda shares leadership dynamics with Sunset. She is the head of the band, after all. I find it pretty interesting to explore and I love comparing Rainbow and Sunset, then putting them together. I dunno, it just works for me.
As for Rainbow's backstory, I'm glad people liked it! Being human 'n' all, I don't think there was probably a Flight Camp equivalent for EQG!Rainbow. Personally, I think that's a pretty big factor in deciding how her childhood was. Without any camp instructors or guidance, I think it's believable Rainbow would've grown up to be very competitive and in school, always wanted to be adored and cheered. For a kid, the connection between winning = popularity isn't a hard one to make, personally.
Anyway, gonna work on this soon. Things to add/fix:
-New opening with Sunset shouting at Twila
-More show, less tell
-Greater elaboration on Rainbow's backstory