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>>No_Raisin
Fwiw, I think the concept of this group is really cool, and I absolutely want to participate in the future! :)
Fwiw, I think the concept of this group is really cool, and I absolutely want to participate in the future! :)
Sadly, I'll have to bow out as well. I did come up with a pretty darn good idea a couple of days ago, but I foolishly thought I could crank it out this weekend.
The Finale has left me an emotional wreck, and I need time to process it all. So I'll have to bow out. Apologies to all.
The Finale has left me an emotional wreck, and I need time to process it all. So I'll have to bow out. Apologies to all.
>>Anon Y Mous
Oh! Huh, I did not know such a setup was in play in Short Story Writeoffs. Guess I missed a lot of new things while I was away.
So I have two basic choices:
1. Write a fic based on the art, which itself should be based on the prompt
2. Write something totally unrelated to the prompt (or the art, presumably)
/is that a correct reading of things?
Oh! Huh, I did not know such a setup was in play in Short Story Writeoffs. Guess I missed a lot of new things while I was away.
So I have two basic choices:
1. Write a fic based on the art, which itself should be based on the prompt
2. Write something totally unrelated to the prompt (or the art, presumably)
/is that a correct reading of things?
So we have a prompt. Does that mean writing may commence now? Or do we need to wait until 10/3 to start, as shown on the little timing/calendar thing?
Aw, crud. I never even knew this contest was coming up, much less already complete. Really wish the notification thing worked better. :\
Whoa, I missed prompt submission already? Drat, I thought I had notifications turned on too. :\
Out of curiosity, the voting results show a 3-way tie at 10 votes. So did the system pick a winner at random?
Congrats to the winners!
As for me: this was by far my most coherent (and based on comments, well received) entry to date. And I still landed 3rd to last.
Maybe I need special handling to get into the top half, lol. xD
Until next time!
As for me: this was by far my most coherent (and based on comments, well received) entry to date. And I still landed 3rd to last.
Maybe I need special handling to get into the top half, lol. xD
Until next time!
I honestly can't say anything on this better than what Posh wrote in their comment. I very much echo the same sentiments, as well as the recommendations to try and tease/develop this out more.
Still, this was a lot of character packed into a tight fic, and it still worked really well. Open it up to more word count though and it'll really sing. Nice job!
Still, this was a lot of character packed into a tight fic, and it still worked really well. Open it up to more word count though and it'll really sing. Nice job!
Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but it kinda struck me as OOC to have Cadance essentially manipulate Shining into liking her. (maybe this is a comic reference?)
That aside, I'm very interested to know who the voice in her head is, and how she puts this skill to use in everyday life. This concept definitely deserves to be a fleshed out story.
That aside, I'm very interested to know who the voice in her head is, and how she puts this skill to use in everyday life. This concept definitely deserves to be a fleshed out story.
Off the top: This needs to be expanded and posted to Fimfic yesterday. 'If Luna retires who watches dreams next?' is an AMAZING question, and one author seems very well prepared to answer.
That said, I agree with TQ here that Fluttershy's performance was too good for an amatuer. Seeing RD and Pinkie fail in their own ways makes sense. And I can imagine a good argument for Shy here, but there's not enough backstory to support it right now. (word limit didn't help I'm sure) With some expansion though, this really could work well.
I really hope to see this evolve into a full story!
That said, I agree with TQ here that Fluttershy's performance was too good for an amatuer. Seeing RD and Pinkie fail in their own ways makes sense. And I can imagine a good argument for Shy here, but there's not enough backstory to support it right now. (word limit didn't help I'm sure) With some expansion though, this really could work well.
I really hope to see this evolve into a full story!
Throwing shade at the AppleDash club here. #ShotsFired
The suspense that tried to come on with the ending didn't really work for me, thanks to the narrator eliminating most suspects before I got to the ending. Reduce the tell factor and let the characters debate it through dialogue and it'd be a much more mysterious read. Still a very neat idea though!
The suspense that tried to come on with the ending didn't really work for me, thanks to the narrator eliminating most suspects before I got to the ending. Reduce the tell factor and let the characters debate it through dialogue and it'd be a much more mysterious read. Still a very neat idea though!
Dang. Now THAT is how you hook a reader with an opening line. Points!
A bit of a hiccup transitioning from dialogue to narration at a few spots, but that's easily fixed. But really, this needs some expansion to flesh out more details and then submit to Fimfic. Frankly, I'd be interested in a multi-chapter look at these two characters in this relationship.
A bit of a hiccup transitioning from dialogue to narration at a few spots, but that's easily fixed. But really, this needs some expansion to flesh out more details and then submit to Fimfic. Frankly, I'd be interested in a multi-chapter look at these two characters in this relationship.
The feels man. The feels.
To an extent I agree with TQ's comment that pulling back a bit on the crying instances would help the story overall. Three crying spots in such a short fic dilutes the emotion of each individually, imo.
That said, this was well written and flowed very well. Solid stuff for sure!
To an extent I agree with TQ's comment that pulling back a bit on the crying instances would help the story overall. Three crying spots in such a short fic dilutes the emotion of each individually, imo.
That said, this was well written and flowed very well. Solid stuff for sure!
But that individual focus also leads to less connection with others. That means less love, a lower population, downward pressure on the escort industry…”
“Hm. That’d impact our tax base.”
And I almost spewed coffee all over my keyboard. That, dear author, is certified platinum comedy right there. This was a riot, and Cadance was somehow crazy and so in character all at the same time. I'm not sure how you did it but you did it. Well done!
“Hm. That’d impact our tax base.”
And I almost spewed coffee all over my keyboard. That, dear author, is certified platinum comedy right there. This was a riot, and Cadance was somehow crazy and so in character all at the same time. I'm not sure how you did it but you did it. Well done!
Having watched dementia reduce my sharp-as-a-tack grandmother to 'watching the local news re-broadcast all day and think each re-run is new news', this hit me like a set of brass knuckles. Author played with emotions very well here, and both Dinky and Ditzy/Derpy sounded well in character.
BUT, part of me wants to recoil from the 'Ditzy has dementia too' angle, probably due to my own experiences watching it work its evil on someone. I'll have to reserve ranking on this one until the end. I don't want to ding the author for my own personal foibles if I can help it.
BUT, part of me wants to recoil from the 'Ditzy has dementia too' angle, probably due to my own experiences watching it work its evil on someone. I'll have to reserve ranking on this one until the end. I don't want to ding the author for my own personal foibles if I can help it.
I have to be honest, I did not feel much of the emotional impact that the author was probably going for here. Maybe it was the changing POVs, or the fact that I saw where it was going pretty quickly. But it kind of bounced off of me in the end (RD however did not bounce off Twi so much as smooch tackle her)
That said, the prose is very well done and has great imagery throughout. Flows well and balances the 'flowery' aspect pretty well.
That said, the prose is very well done and has great imagery throughout. Flows well and balances the 'flowery' aspect pretty well.
If you took out the penultimate line and let the story end with just Zecor'a last line, it would put this fic over the top imo. The build up was funny, but easy to follow, and things were kept just coy enough to not spoil the saucy magic at play. But the awkwardness of the last few paragraphs let a lot of wind out of the sails right at the best moment.
Still, if you choose to push this to Fimfic, some minor adjustments and expansion to meet 1k words should be an easy hurdle for you, author. Nice stuff!
Still, if you choose to push this to Fimfic, some minor adjustments and expansion to meet 1k words should be an easy hurdle for you, author. Nice stuff!
I'm pretty sure the center of the conversation here is an impending marriage between Starlight and Trixie, but I had to re-read it to be confident in that thought. Maybe it's the specific line that starts things off that's leading me astray, but I had a tendency to keep drifting back to Fluttershy as the conversation's subject. Maybe I'm wrong. I guess my point is that joining a scene 'in media res' is a great idea, but I didn't get enough context to get a clear starting point in my head as to what the larger picture (of which this scene is a part) is trying to show.
My wife is an engineer, so she'd get a kick out of this one. ;)
I like the idea at work here. It's simple and straight-forward, but makes for some good comedic potential. It lost some of its punch though due to the telly nature of the opening scene. The narrator gave away too much of the game for both Lug Nut and the reader, so the only question left coming into the closing scene was 'which pony gets to use the flawed product?'
If Lug Nut's dilemma were shown more than told through action or dialogue, that would help connect us more to the scenario he's in. Also, it might give you a good opening to set Lug Nut up for that bonus you mentioned. Specifically, what if Lug Nut had a sudden thought while mulling over the design flaws, approved it as-is but went straight to work on something new and unseen? Then in the end, you can reveal that his new idea was to build the upgraded parts as separate units, then sell them at an inflated price. Anyway, just a rambling thought there.
I like the idea at work here. It's simple and straight-forward, but makes for some good comedic potential. It lost some of its punch though due to the telly nature of the opening scene. The narrator gave away too much of the game for both Lug Nut and the reader, so the only question left coming into the closing scene was 'which pony gets to use the flawed product?'
If Lug Nut's dilemma were shown more than told through action or dialogue, that would help connect us more to the scenario he's in. Also, it might give you a good opening to set Lug Nut up for that bonus you mentioned. Specifically, what if Lug Nut had a sudden thought while mulling over the design flaws, approved it as-is but went straight to work on something new and unseen? Then in the end, you can reveal that his new idea was to build the upgraded parts as separate units, then sell them at an inflated price. Anyway, just a rambling thought there.
Two fics in a row now that have specifically name dropped RariTwi. I sense a Monochromatic fan club in our midst. :D
Anyway, this was pretty enjoyable. A few grammar glitches here and there, but easily polished. The second scene seemed rather abrupt, but tight word counts do that to all of us. Could benefit from some expansion though.
Speaking of that, I would enjoy an expanded version of this for sure. The idea of 'Cadance and Flurry Heart arguing over who has the better Shipping Eye' could be quite fun.
Anyway, this was pretty enjoyable. A few grammar glitches here and there, but easily polished. The second scene seemed rather abrupt, but tight word counts do that to all of us. Could benefit from some expansion though.
Speaking of that, I would enjoy an expanded version of this for sure. The idea of 'Cadance and Flurry Heart arguing over who has the better Shipping Eye' could be quite fun.
Paging WIP